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By ReallyEvilCanine (Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 05:23:46 AM EST) reality (all tags)
What Women Want

So you're thinking of having your bitch squeeze out a few puppies? The following is my answer to a question someone recently asked me about "pregnant sex".

x-posted to da brog.



First trimester:
"I'm gonna barf." Once a week there's a 10-minute window with, "I don't feel sick! Get your ass over here and fuck me NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!"

Second trimester:
FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME NOW NOW NOW FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME SOME MORE! Go make me toast! And bacon*. And more toast. Now FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE! I need more toast. Since you're headed toward the kitchen anyway you can make me some bacon-flavoured toast and pile it high with bacon, and then bring the bacon-toast-bacon sammich back here and then FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME MORE!!

Third trimester:
I'm fat. I'm horrible. I'm ugly. I can't even see my overgrown bush. You only want to fuck me to make fun of me. I can deal with that. So are you going to fuck me? I know you only want to do it to mock me. That? It's my cervix. Yeah, it dropped. No, the baby probably doesn't notice your cock is pounding against her little head but.... huh? That's disturbing? GODDAMMIT I NEED SOME SEX NOW, BITCH! No, you can't fuck me in the ass. Because half of it is falling out, that's why! I'll blow you if you just... move... over this way... If you make that Greenpeace dragging me back into the water joke again you're going to bleed now FUCK ME ALREADY! You did this to me so you damned well better do this to me, NOW!

Immediate post-birth:
GODDAMMIT I'M HORNY! And in pain. And my guts will be leaking out through my crotch for the next two months. NO, you CANNOT go UTBNB because my asshole is still trying to turn itself inside out. No, I'm too tired for a blowjob. Handjob, too. You know that youporn site I told to quit spending so much time at? Yeah, spend some time there. But once I've healed you better fuck me like your life depends on it BECAUSE IT DOES.

Three months post-birth:
The kid's asleep. We have five minutes. Pay attention: fuck me, fuck me good, and for gods' sake do NOT make a fucking sound because I will end you if we have to stop in the middle to replace the damned pacifier or sing the Sleepy Song again. Let's GO!

* She was a vegetarian before she got pregnant.

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A Day in the Life | 14 comments (14 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
You had a boy by littlestar (2.00 / 0) #1 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 05:45:02 AM EST
did you? I can tell you that it's certainly not like this for all pregnancies, but lucky for you that it was!

*twinkle*twinkle*


perhaps not universal by codemonkey uk (2.00 / 0) #7 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 11:48:32 AM EST
but not unique either

--- Thad ---
Almost as Smart As you.
[ Parent ]
Indeed by littlestar (2.00 / 0) #9 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 03:02:02 PM EST
that was my point. Not universal.

*twinkle*twinkle*


[ Parent ]
Umm, no. by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #11 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 05:40:06 PM EST
See my bestest buddy's account for pictures. I think he's one of the editurds here.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
Wow! by littlestar (2.00 / 0) #14 Fri Oct 30, 2009 at 03:44:13 PM EST
That's unusual sex drive for a girl, extra lucky you!

*twinkle*twinkle*


[ Parent ]
liar by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #2 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 07:00:48 AM EST
first trimester: too much heaving and puking.  when not heaving and puking, then she is sleeping.

second trimester: still heaving.  and the groin pain begins where she can't move her legs.  there's a few week window where sex happens

third trimester:  still heaving.  groin pain so severe she can't walk, much less spread her legs for sex (hell, she screams herself awake at night from the pain of moving her legs in her sleep).

immediate post-birth:  she's leaking everywhere, and her body is pretty disgusting.  sex?  ha!  plus, her hormones make her have total emotional meltdowns every night at 8:30pm sharp.  her hot flashes are so severe that she just wants to stand in a walk-in meat locker most of the day.

3 months post-birth:  her body is still fucked up from the c-section.  more than that, she's really emotionally fucked up from it, and isn't in a place to think about sex.

this reminds me, i need to carve out some time to write that post on c-sections that i've been meaning to write.

I got off really lightly. by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #4 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 07:14:48 AM EST
Even my C-section scar is fine three months out. I still have a jelly belly and my poor breasts will never recover from their brush with gravity, but I'm feeling mostly ok.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time.

[ Parent ]
c-section scar by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #6 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 11:18:14 AM EST
mine healed amazingly well!  instead of staples (like almost everybody else I know had), my doc put this derma-plast stuff on my incision.  never any blood, never any weeping, nothing.  when it peeled off around 2-3 months, there was just a hint of a scar where it happened.  beautiful!

since you're in Europe, I'm assuming your c-section was for a legitimate reason and not just because the doctor wanted to make his tee-time or some such.  (note: mine was legitimate, but it could have been prevented.  this is why i am unable to let it go).  c-section rate in my fair country is something around 30%.

[ Parent ]
Foetal distress by sugar spun (2.00 / 0) #8 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 12:38:05 PM EST
Also preventable, but the surgery was necessary when it happened. I'm mildly devastated to have needed the surgery, furious that one person making one routine check and one minor change 9 hours in would have prevented it but they didn't and utterly outraged that I had to go through 12 hours of labour before we were hurried off to the OR.

What haunts me is that my husband went off to grab some dinner and I was fine, and he came back after they'd called him to a room with ten people all panicking and a wife on oxygen. And when he asked what was wrong and I waved him in the direction of the monitor on which a foetal heartrate in the 60s was flashing, he said, Oh God, she crashed? and the midwife repeated it, mocking the way he said it. I'm heartbroken that that's one of the clearest memories I have of the birth of my daughter.

I had stitches made of plastic and fastened around buttons. After ten days the plastic was snipped at my regular doctor's office and the whole string pulled out in one smooth painless movement. The scar itself is clean, but visible low enough to make personal grooming a conundrum of vanity: disadvantages on all sides.

[ Parent ]
I don't remember any mocking. by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #12 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 05:59:22 PM EST
And frankly, I never really care when stupid people mock me for not being stupid like them. That's something I learned back in grade school.

I do remember one or two docs and 8 or 9 midwives all running around like fucking headless chickens, not one of them taking control and giving directions so that the room was more or less a fucking Keystone Kops set. Next time I know. I will bark orders. Fucking muppets.

By "came back" you mean "flew down 4 flights of stairs inside 17 seconds". Just as well; the kitchen fucked up my dinner tray and gave me more inedible crap from the hazmat can, so that was just as well.

Your stiches were, IIRC, Vicryl 2-0 sewn in a continuous running, unlocked intracutaneous suture anchored with external buttons. I can call Dr. Z to confirm specifics if you'd like. I actually discussed this with your doc as you were being closed. When I mentioned staples (the most common closure in the US -- fast, simple, efficient), he was not amused, considering it amateurish to the point of barbaric and noting that you do your best not to leave scars on women so external staples are out. The stitch used pulls the dermis and epidermis together underneath which, in turn, pulls the the outermost layers together to form what's basically a flat butt joint.

The cut and scar are along a natural skin fold and while still visible, shouldn't be for much longer.

woof.

OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
You missed the bit about by debacle (2.00 / 0) #3 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 07:07:00 AM EST
lactation. Mmm, lactation.

IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

No mention of the PETs? by ammoniacal (4.00 / 2) #5 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 07:36:08 AM EST
PREGNANCY ENHANCED TITTIES

IME, this story is remarkably accurate.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Spectacularly accurate descriptions. by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #10 Thu Oct 29, 2009 at 03:14:43 PM EST
But I'll second the comments about sex during lactation. Mmmmm... Sex during lactation...

With cookies! by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #13 Fri Oct 30, 2009 at 07:52:57 AM EST
NT.


[ Parent ]
A Day in the Life | 14 comments (14 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback