For many, the pitch was made to parents rather than the students themselves. Concerned guardians reasoned that if little Billy is wont to piss away his life playing first-person shooter videogames, it might be argued that this was his "passion" and therefore a field suitable for training up and a-hirin' via the shortest path (to accommodate Billy's short attention span) and the cheapest one (to accomoodate their own fundamental disinterest).

Or consider young Timmy whose only interest appears to be television special effects and cinema explosions -- could not those passions be likewise channeled into a proud and materially rewarding future without too hefty an investment?

The answer, naturally, is: fuck no.

You see, little Billy is an ignorant, learning-disabled shiftless punk and young Timmy is a spoiled, lazy, escape-addicted sensualist and the two of them put together have as much actual passion as a dirty limerick. Their parents or themselves have mistaken their state of chronic stimulation for one of dedicated immersion, and have let this misapprehension inform their next move in the Game of Life.

And now, trained up by underpaid failures, these stupid kids are applying to become my assistant.

I am animator whose objectives and goals will make your organization never regret giving me my first chance to really bloom in terms of creativity because of my hard work ethic and the way my problem solving abilities tend to make me continually excited.

Fail. Didn't anybody ever tell this kid that if you want to use brutal run-on sentences full of allusions to cock the least you can do is to proof read? Shit.

Of course, he still wins hands down over the guy who promised me in an e-mail cover letter that he would attach his demo reel along with yet another cover letter, but instead just attached two copies of his misspelled cover letter. (That's some quality assurance job there, Lou.) Clearly, the purpose of a cover letter was lost on the poor fellow: he didn't know the sole reason for the existence of a cover letter is for me, the hiring party, to ascertain in as quick a manner as possible whether or not you are developmentally handicapped.

Three copies of the same officiously insincere cut-and-paste yet somehow misspelled cover letter in two different media, with no demo reel or curriculum vitae? Brilliant. You're hired!

Ass. Hat.

I have now reviewed dozens of demo reels, and therefore been subjected to little else but a series of terribly executed explosions. I see battle-scarred soldiers blowing up with smears of particulate blood; I see battle-scarred tanks exemplifying a new and bizarre form of physics as they bounce apart in a hail of fluffy fire blobs; I see an endless parade of grey, featureless aliens being clumsily animated through the familiar archtypical motions of class projects with the words MAYA PERSONAL LEARNING EDITION obscuring the picture.

One young man even thoughtfully included a clip of a crude animated character lighting his farts on fire in order to showcase his professionalism and attention to detail. When the character attempted to light a particularly voluminous outgassing, he gorily exploded.

Stay classy, kid.

While some of the applicants had demonstrated the basic wherewithal to tailor their resumes to the job posting, few of them bothered to similarly edit their reels strategically -- perhaps reasoning that different departments of our organization might be responsible for evaluating information in differing media. Thus, I received many resumes which claimed a wide, wide bredth of experience which was somehow not at all reflected on their reels. No, despite what the resumes or cover letters promised, the reels invariably featured nothing but character skinning experiments followed by clips of those same characters being blown up.

My extensive experience with all manners of softwares can be seen from my demo reel (attached) which focusses mainly on character animation/rigging/texturing/etc.

Fail. Your class projects all concerning basic character rigging and all done in Maya PLE do not, in fact, showcase your extensive experience in all manners of software but rather your total lack of experience largely concentrated in one piece of software you're apparently too unremunerated to beg, borrow or steal a working copy of.

Dumb-ass.

Not to mention the reams of applicants who have convinced themselves that the posting's requirement for experience is adequately covered by having "experience in school" (where "school" is as often as much of a fail as the "experience" part is). And no, Virginia, the call for "a background in fine art" likewise cannot be serviced by the offering "I'm totally interested in art and have been for many years."

(By the way, I'm totally interested in gynecology and have been more many years. Where are my patients?)

WTF?

This is a job for a mostly-experienced junior production artist with an emphasis on 3D compositing. That's what it says in the ad. And yet I've yet to receive a single application that even comes near to being on target. Instead, I'm hearing from a single demographic: young men who aspire to be CGI character animators for games or film. These young men who seem to have done absolutely nothing to advance their dreams except to sign up for a single bullshit course at an obscure bullshit school after having washed out of more life-like post-secondary options. They slap together anti-compelling demo reels that highlight their immaturity and carelessness, and then pair them with mismatched and grammar-mangled cover letters that seem like they're copied out of a textbook.

My question is this: Who is giving these young men such awful guidance?

Also: Can they be found and shot?

I'm just about at my wits' end. I can't imagine going through the mutually embarrassing ordeal of actually interviewing any of these young dolts, and yet I need this position filled ASAP. Should I hold out for more applications or just start sorting the chaff from the chaffier now?

Get off my lawn!