This past year has been disasterous for me in terms of physical fitness (I aged a decade and gained nearly two stone) but I'm fighting hard to reverse the trend. For a fortnight I've been waking up at the crack of holy shit in order to spend some solid time working out before work.

The results so far are that I am exceedingly tired by mid-morning, ravenously hungry all day, irretrievably grouchy by tea time, and eight pounds lighter. Plus I have sore tits. And cramped calves.

It has been four hundred days since purchasing the Wii Fit, and in that time I have spent a palty thirty-nine hours actively exercising with it. It is this failure to engage with the system coupled with my lassitude-friendly lifestyle and seemingly bottomless appetite for greasy food-like candy that has contributed in some small way, I'm sure, to my weight gain.

I do enjoy Coca-Cola, just like the old timey advertisements suggest I ought. Also cheeseburgers, home-smoked bacon, poutine, club sandwiches with mayonnaise, breakfast sausage patties, fried eggs, rare steak, chunks of cheese and nearly all forms of bread. Between such dietary bouts I eat bananas, apples, granola, raisins, oatmeal and Mars bars.

When I'm not eating I'm sitting in a car or sitting at a desk. I sit often. I sit with remarkable poise. I am a practiced and accomplished master of the seated arts.

This summer we rode our bikes a lot. I like riding my bike. It has all sorts of doohickeys attached to the handlebars, so I can ring my bell and honk my horn and flash my lights and so on. I bring my Garmin GPS with me because I am a nerd. Popsicle and Yam and Littlestar love riding their bikes, too, and we rove around the village like a gang.

This is a strictly seasonal pleasure, however, as snow tires are not available for my make and model. Soon, the bikes will have to be parked in the shed until next equinox.

Alack!

On the positive side, I am just beginning to see a little additional definition in my musculature...at least when I flex. And suck in. If I could walk around all the time with my muscules flexed and gut sucked in I'd look pretty damn fit. People would be all, "What's your secret for looking so svelte?" and I wouldn't be able to say anything because I'd be holding my breath. So they'd think I was a snob.

Fucking people.

While I do aerobics I watch Mad Men or The Twilight Zone or the remastered Star Trek via my iPhone playing through the television. Kids today don't take the time to appreciate The Twilight Zone. It remains one of the medium's most enduring efforts, in my opinion. What the duck is wrong with Rod Serling's upper lip, though?

On Mad Men I think Sal's wife is starting to suspect he's queer. On the other hand, he still has the best vests on TV. "Hello Patio!"

William Shatner is awesome.