Print Story We'll All Be Taking Golden Showers
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By CheeseburgerBrown (Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 09:35:00 AM EST) tag, you're it! (all tags)
We'll all be taking golden showers once I figure out a way to amplify the transportative effects of Littlestar's SUNRISE GOGGLES to a global scale. If my calculations are correct, this will not have any significant impact on anthropogenic warming but it will make any eventual environmental calamities appear especially striking, aesthetically.


Okay, so basically they're sunglasses. But they're better than mine, because instead of darkening the world they turn the world golden like a perpetual sunrise. They wrap around like senior headgear or skiing equipment, which means less real world leakage in the peripheral zones.

I wore them for a week, driving to and from work in Enchanted Sunrise Land. Sealed in. Immersed. Even the dreary rain seemed magical. It was like a highway detour via Narnia.

Then Littlestar undid my stealing of them by unstealing them back to herself, so me and Yam and Popsicle went to Dollarama to find Papa a new pair of awesome. Unfortunately, some of the influential higher ups on the sunglasses council feel that SUNRISE GOGGLES are just for girls -- I could tell because most of the time the frames I found that had the right lenses were shaped at the points of connection like small flowers or stars or tampons or whatever.

The less floral-themed frames invariably had blue- or green-tinted lenses, manufactured on the assumption that the world ought to look nightier, grittier, or somehow more comfortably Matrixier. F that S.

So next week I have to drive to work in the desert of the real, which I suppose isn't too bad given that it's early autumn and everything growing's gone all Technicolor and flamboyant. Still, if I don't get my own SUNRISE GOGGLES by winter I reckon I could be in for a world of glum.

Winter is how God punishes Canadians for tolerating gayness.


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We'll All Be Taking Golden Showers | 39 comments (39 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I thought it was because your Sampo was stolen. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #1 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:02:30 AM EST
Kids come running for the taste of Sampo.

/obscure
//likes it that way

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

What *is* it with you... by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #5 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:27:54 AM EST
I'm really into oral. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #18 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 02:18:26 PM EST

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
Wait. "Finnish oral tradition" by johnny (2.00 / 0) #22 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 07:37:23 PM EST
"Sundman" may sound Swedish, but we're Finns, goddamnit, and I don't give a care what all those "real" Finns with the nen-nen-nen last names have to say about it.

Please explain this tradition.

It may explain a lot that has heretofore perplexed me.

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)

[ Parent ]
Suomi? SuoYou! by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #24 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 08:12:58 AM EST
speculation by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #29 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 01:08:17 PM EST
Your ancestors were Finns who interbred with Swedish occuppiers in the days when Finland was part of Sweden.
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.
[ Parent ]
Actually by johnny (2.00 / 0) #31 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 05:39:30 PM EST
I think they were all "Swede-Finns"-- 100% Swedish stock--no intermarrying with Finns.  Although, who knows, y'know? My brother & father & cousin Christian have done some genealogical research, but I forget what they found out. Probably not much; my forebears on all sides were peasant stock & didn't leave much of a record.

My Grandfather ("Pop"), with whom I grew up, evidently spoke Swedish in his home; in any event he was fluent in Swedish (the story of how he came to America in 1914 is dramatic even by 'johnny melodrama' standards). He also was of course fluent in Finnish, and he knew a fair amount of Russian too. And some German.

(By trade, he was a mechanic. He maintained a fleet of home heating oil delivery trucks for Northern New Jersey Oil Company.  You can see his garage in one of the grimier neighborhoods through which Tony Soprano drives in the opening of "The Sopranos". I used to go there with him on weekends. Pop died while I was in the Peace Corps, in 1974.)

Certainly Pop identified himself as a Finn. He was very proud of his Finnish identity, and indeed the reason he ended up in the USA is that he was part of an underground Finnish nationalist group that was resisting the Russian occupation & his name turned up on a hit list.

I was in my 30's before I discovered the Swedish aspect of my ancestry. I never heard a word about Sweden from Pop, although I heard many stories of Finland.

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)

[ Parent ]
swede-finns by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #32 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 08:17:15 PM EST
i'd just call them swedes. :) 'finn' and 'swede' are ethnic demarkers to me. :)
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.
[ Parent ]
So does by johnny (2.00 / 0) #33 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 08:46:35 PM EST
"Sotomayor" count as "American", or is she an Hispanic trying to pass?

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)
[ Parent ]
American. by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #34 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 09:42:13 PM EST
All societies are immagrants societies becuase by johnny (2.00 / 0) #35 Wed Oct 14, 2009 at 06:17:27 AM EST
I saw it today on a poster at the library, so it must be true.

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)
[ Parent ]
I think Sampo's a strapless evening gown. n/t by Captain Tenille (4.00 / 2) #17 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 12:57:14 PM EST



---------

/* You are not expected to understand this. */


[ Parent ]
I find this quite appropriate by BlueOregon (4.00 / 2) #2 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:04:32 AM EST

I am reminded of the Claude glass/mirror and its two main uses:

  1. helping (landscape) artists to produce limited-palette, often sepia-toned paintings, but also, in a more amusing way ...
  2. ... helping tourists to view such landscapes in the same colors as the paintings they (had) observed.

For reference see, for example:



You're Righter Than Right. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #6 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:29:09 AM EST
I should call Littlestar's sunglasses her "Claudes."


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
taking golden showers ? by sasquatchan (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:12:55 AM EST
uhoh, is the hot water heater broken again ? ;)

The Lenses Makes Stuff Look Yellow by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #8 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:35:06 AM EST
Even if they aren't really yellow at all.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
Stars are manly. by sugar spun (4.00 / 1) #4 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:25:17 AM EST
All those NASA people say so. Wear the sunrise goggles with stars, and if anyone says anything tell him you wrestled them off an astronaut.

Stars Don't Read That Way Up Hear, Eh? by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:33:12 AM EST
Up round these parts, stars either mean that you heart Texas or that you're a girl.

Naturally, I live or die by how strangers in other cars classify me based on the symbols I wear, so I have to be awfully choosy. I don't want people mistakenly thinking I'm Irish or objectivist or soft on screwing.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
You got some kind of problem with Texas? (nt) by notafurry (2.00 / 0) #20 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 03:02:45 PM EST


[ Parent ]
No Shootings, Please. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #25 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 08:23:12 AM EST
I'm no authority on the actual Texas, though I have watched King of the Hill a few times and seen some picturesque postcards. The symbolic Texas, however, up here is representative of a certain provincial, white privileged, racially polarized, evangelical cloak of wilful ignorance.

Cool flag, though.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
Texas is a ridiculous liberal myth by Herring (2.00 / 0) #27 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 10:02:00 AM EST
created to make republicans look bad.

christ, we're all old now - StackyMcRacky
[ Parent ]
Vaccines Programmed You To Type That [nt] by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #28 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 12:09:54 PM EST
I thought vaccines caused autism by infinitera (2.00 / 0) #30 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 01:35:36 PM EST

[…] a professional layabout. Which I aspire to be, but am not yet. — CheeseburgerBrown

[ Parent ]
Matrix glasses by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #9 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:41:55 AM EST
With a sort of green-and-black wireframe tint would be quite cool.

--------
It's political correctness gone mad!

Twin iPhone Augmented Sunglasses by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #11 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:46:17 AM EST
Bulky and auto-humiliating, sure, but a neat visual effect. Plus, in the earphones you could hear it go "zzzzoooo, zut-zut-clib, zuuuuuuub, bloop" very quietly.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
I think these exist by infinitera (4.00 / 1) #13 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:53:34 AM EST
http://gizmodo.com/5360006/vuzix-wrap-310-video-sunglasses-look-less-dorky-than-ever

[…] a professional layabout. Which I aspire to be, but am not yet. — CheeseburgerBrown

[ Parent ]
I'll Take Eight! by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #14 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:57:59 AM EST
I won't, actually. I'd crash my car. And my wife would stand far away from me in public.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
Those are almost as cool as... by chuckles (2.00 / 0) #16 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 12:03:03 PM EST

the Oakley Thumps worn by Dog the Bounty Hunter.

*Almost*.



"The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin [...] would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities"
[ Parent ]
You can have that pair silly by littlestar (4.00 / 3) #10 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:45:26 AM EST
I was always going to let you have them. I have spares in the bus. I will find more of them at the dollar store next week, then we can truly look like weenies when we go out together and have matching sunglasses.

*twinkle*twinkle*


Let's Date. by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 3) #12 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 10:52:21 AM EST
Also, I'm pretty sure that when I wear the sunrise goggles I can see through your clothes. It might be just my imagination but I don't think so.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
There's always LSD by jayhawk88 (4.00 / 1) #15 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 11:01:48 AM EST


That makes things look weird /nt by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #19 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 02:44:46 PM EST

--------
It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Why not go all the way? by duxup (4.00 / 2) #21 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 04:21:23 PM EST
Just get some glasses with  stamped impressions of ponies on them so no matter where you look.  Ponies!  Maybe some rainbows too.

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That sounds like one of the best ideas ever by Driusan (4.00 / 1) #36 Sun Oct 18, 2009 at 02:01:15 PM EST
Can I get kittens?

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
[ Parent ]
of course! by duxup (4.00 / 1) #37 Sun Oct 18, 2009 at 06:46:36 PM EST
Not
____
[ Parent ]
My Merciless Anti-Kitten Agenda by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #38 Mon Oct 19, 2009 at 12:01:44 PM EST
A few months back I worked on a project that involved selecting the "best" pieces of art from over 13,000 user submissions with very little time to h'mming and hawing. So pressed, I had to develop some very simple and effective criteria for rejecting artworks.

One of my first such quick-and-nasty rules was this: "If I see your fucking house cat or any portion thereof in your art, THOU ART REJECTED."

The sad fact is that this one rule allowed me to subtract over 500 submissions with just a single glance. Was it effective? Yes: in my initial quality-control samples, it was easy to determine that the overwhelming majority of all artworks inspired by or featuring a house cat were essentially without merit.

That's right -- that's just how evil I am. Kittens + Media == Fail.

(I still like real life kittens, though.)


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
Kittens by duxup (4.00 / 1) #39 Tue Oct 20, 2009 at 10:50:17 AM EST
That seems to be an effective rule. I used to browse the critique forum for photo.net a lot. Not that I’m a good photographer, rather I just enjoyed seeing other folks work, also photo.net has a lot of jerks and some who insist only professionals should rater their photos so I get a kick out of rating those folks photos as well. Anyway the maybe 2 or 3 cat related photos I commented on that I thought were at least “good” often began with something to the effect of “I can’t believe I’m rating a cat photo above a 3…”


I'm willing to bet that a fairly high percentage of first photographs taken with a new DSLR is of a cat.
____
[ Parent ]
by the way by johnny (2.00 / 0) #23 Mon Oct 12, 2009 at 07:39:53 PM EST
I think this is a wonderfully written account, and fun to read.

Your accounts of warfare among the Canadian in-laws, etc, are also well-written, but "not-so-much" in the fun-to-read department, as the kids say.

She has effectively checked out. She's an un-person of her own making. So it falls to me.--ad hoc (in the hole)

Fun To Read! by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 3) #26 Tue Oct 13, 2009 at 08:27:05 AM EST
It is true that not all HuSi diaries should make us want to cower in the corner and hug our loved ones. Not that I'm pointing fingers or anything, Mr. Guy Whose Diaries Give Me Nightmares.

(I gently kid, rather than do something else.)


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
[ Parent ]
We'll All Be Taking Golden Showers | 39 comments (39 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback