Tuesday I got a new laptop at work. I had to drop off my old laptop for three hours so that they could copy over my data, apps and settings. So I couldn't work for the morning. I went for a walk. I decided to check up on the ghost-bike at the junction of WPKAW's accident.
The plaque was coming loose so I bought some extra ring ties to bind it tighter.
I went straight home in the evening and spend time at the PC or in front of the TV. On Facebook I posted pics of the reception after WPKAW's thanksgiving service.
I expected to feel quite empty and listless this week. The last twelve weeks I have been obsessively planning and preparing for Friday's service. I've realised that I have an obsessive nature and tend to fixate on something for weeks or months at a time, often to the exclusion of healthier behaviour. When WPKAW was alive I tended to spend hours playing computer games, especially racing games. WPKAW would watch her chick TV and I would play on the computer. She'd get annoyed that she wasn't getting any attention and I'd get fed up that she wouldn't do much else, if we stayed in, but slob on the sofa and watch TV. Computer games and TV became tools to use to ignore or neglect each other.
So I've stopped playing games since WPKAW died. They just remind me of all the time we could have spent together but that we wasted. Which leaves me with even more time on my hands and nothing to obsess about. I can't obsess about the midgets since they are not here most of the time and we've never been parents that try to arrange every waking minute for them anyway.
Wednesday was unremarkable at work. We're ramping up for a major launch in December, entering into UAT and OAT cycles at the moment. I couldn't care less.
In the evening I went to the church where we'd held the thanksgiving and collected the remaining orders of service and a giant canvas print portrait that an ex-bf of WPKAW had got printed especially for the service from a photo I had provided.
It's too large to put up at home though so I have no idea what to do with it. It's a lovely picture, but I can't see it being hung anywhere. It will just go into storage to be taken out rarely. Which seems like a waste. But I have so much of WPKAW's stuff that is like that. I can't bring myself to throw it out but it is of no practical use to anyone. Some of her stuff will find a home or go to charities. Her father is already driving her car. A Uni friend will take her immaculate folders of course notes.
With the stuff piled in the cab I picked up the midgets on the way home as I do every Wednesday evening. Except major midget wasn't yet home at her mums. She was late. She's a teenager now and is getting into the testing boundaries phase. Her mum was livid. I just pointed out that she'd have to get a bus to mine instead of the cab with us. Her mum phoned her and ripped shreds off her.
Major midget turned up at mine an hour after minor midget and I did and went straight up to her room to sulk. I left her for half an hour and then went up for a chat. Eventually we got talking and I managed to get out of her why she was acting up. I'll not share here, but I think she felt glad to be able to get it off her chest. I warned her not to be late again as she'd get grounded and not be allowed to go to any Halloween parties.
Thursday was not unremarkable. Busty Legal Sec (BLS) was greatly concerned when she found out I was in touch with TWEG. She was more than concerned when I told her I was actually meeting up with TWEG that evening. My friends worry about me. In the mental state I'm in at the moment they worry that I'll head straight back into a crap relationship with TWEG and she'll lead me on an inevitable march to heartbreak again. But I've assured them it is not like that. I can't go back into relationships I used to have. TWEG and I are friends. If she still has the angst and is as difficult as she could be of old, then I don't think I'd want to be her friend, let alone anything else. She put me off people like that and I have no time for them any more.
We walked and talked for an hour, stopped for some sushi in Clerkenwell and then went back to mine.
TWEG was on her best, most attentive and sympathetic behaviour. It's been seven years since we dated and the demons she had seem long gone. I met her immediately after her mum had died and she'd been jilted at the alter. She had a lot of angst. She is now remarkably chilled, happy and doesn't chug wine and bourbon to dull the pains. She's also single.
She's also very aware how much I still love WPKAW.
I showed TWEG around the house and introduced her to George.
We chatted for an hour or so more before I put TWEG in a cab home and settled myself into bed. I read to WPKAW from the book she was reading at the time of her death. I figured she probably wants to find out how it ends.
Friday I went out after work and got drunk.
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