Print Story Do you answer honestly?
By nightflameblue (Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 03:56:10 AM EST) (all tags)
AFKS sends me a questionaire from one of his teachers. It's supposed to be a "leadership in business" course, i.e. management. The questions are all about management and management decisions. Do I answer honestly, or do I fluff them up?

See below for the slightly exaggerated for comedic effect version. Something tells me this isn't what he wants, nor would the professor who has never worked in a real business a single day in her entire life be able to accept the possibility that any of these answers contain even a shred of truth.

1. What is your personal leadership philosophy?

Don't fucking lead. It's not worth the spinectomy, nor the lobotomy required. Also, it'll all end in tears.

2. When confronted by hostile superiors, what kinds of ethical ways do you use to diffuse the situation?

There's two choices here. First, scream obscenities at them to distract them and leave the room then wait for them to come apologize. Second, sit there with your head down and take your beating like a little bitch, the way your father taught you to, and let them get it out of their system. There simply aren't any other ways to deal with it that will result in anything other than action by an HR unit.

3. What do you feel are positive morale boosters? What would you consider to be morale downers? How do you react to negative morale?

Positive morale boosters - money. That's it. I'm here for MONEY you dumb fucks. Not beer. Not food. Not shiny objects with company logos printed on them. Money.

Morale downers - anything with a company logo on it meant to be morale boosting. t-shirts are particularly heinous, but coffee mugs, glasses, pens, calculators, or any other offensively cutesy piece of shit with a company logo is a good way to make me feel really fucking worthless.

Reaction to negative morale - whine about it on the intarwebs.

4. Whether individually, or in a group dynamic, when would you feel that giving up the work on a project or situation would be a positive action or decision?

After realizing we've been spinning our wheels on the same project with the same back and forth bullshit questions for six months and have made ZERO progress because some dumb ass can't pull their head out long enough to realize that they've requested we make the same back and forth changes fifteen times in the last three months alone.

5. What goals do set to complete daily tasks? (I'm not re-writing the bitch for them. If their teachers can't even put together a questionaire in answerable form, then fuck 'em.)

The 'goals do set' are "survive this day," and "try not to kill anyone in the process." The second part is optional.

6. Do you have any goals that will improve your work environment? If so, what are they, and how will you encourage others to follow your lead to ensure these goals are met?

Stir the shit so we can watch upper management fight amongst themselves leaving us lowly peons down in the muck able to actually do some work for a change instead of change diapers and warm up bottles all day. I encourage others by filming it and showing coworkers the results.

7. In a meeting, how would you take control of a stagnant situation?

If there's anything you learn in the business world it's that you DO NOT TAKE CONTROL once a meeting has gone south. When you see a pile of dog crap in the yard, do you pick it up with your bare hands? No, you leave it, or at best get a rake and shovel and get it picked up and thrown away. Your only option is to wait for some tool to come along and rake up the mess once a meeting has gone stagnant. You don't want to step in it and get it all over yourself.

8. What types of information do you incorporate into your decision making?

Decisions are things like, "do I get a Code Red, or a Pepsi?" Or, "Does the sausage or the bacon sound good this morning?"

I don't make business related decisions. Making a business related decision is the first step on the path to failure, and I'm not big on failure. This is the primary rule of the business world. Learn it, or become management.

< Unfeasibly long for a comment | I survived the night >
Do you answer honestly? | 19 comments (19 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
My answers by Clipper Ship (2.00 / 0) #1 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 04:36:01 AM EST
1. Why should i have one. People who 'lead' clearly don't, despite what they may think Anthony Robbins told them.

2. If my superiors are hostile I make it so that they are no longer my superiors. My current superiors apologize a lot, even for Canadians.

3. Positive Morale Booster: Leaving me alone with limited supervision to pursue whatever it is I'm into at the moment. Morale Downer: The opposite of Positive Morale Booster. Negative Morale makes me watch TV.

4. When the ideas stop flowing. I I'm a group situation, when I'm in a group situation. Groups blow. They always need synergy or metrics or team building exercises involving pyramids and stuff.

5. I say to myself, let's complete this task. Or, if it's a big task, complete this part. Then look at the internet.

6. Yes. I plan on educating myself to the point where I can leave the work environment. This will likely make the workplace a better place for those in my wake.

7. I wouldn't. I avoid meetings. When I have to go to them, I get to the point and try of think of things to say that make it sound like the meeting is ending so that we can all leave, since we all want to anyway.

8. Science, logic, heavy metal, push-ups, beef jerky. It really depends on the decision being made.


Destroy All Planets

negative morale by garlic (2.00 / 0) #2 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:01:05 AM EST
worst morale booster -- company labeled shit from china so cheap it doesn't work for the entire first day you get it. Stuff cheaper than happy meal toys isn't going to make my happy about my job.

What's really sad about that. . . by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #3 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:08:16 AM EST
is how much it costs the company to acquire that cheap shit. Having a direct in, I know that it costs the company about TWICE what it costs to buy the same cheap shit off of Amazon, including shipping, to buy it in bulk. When confronted with this information, management curls into the fetal position and sucks their thumb.

[ Parent ]
The worst one I got by theboz (2.00 / 0) #11 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:45:24 AM EST
Once I worked for a company that was heading south, and I think they were either about to or had already started their "one or two people a week but we'll say it is performance related" layoffs.  When everything started to fail, they gave us these stupid little trinkets that were key chains, carabiners, and compasses all in one tiny piece of junk with the company logo.  The president of the company gave a speech about how we all needed to go unified in the same direction and how those stupid things were to remind us of that. 

However, when some coworkers and I started comparing compasses, we found that they didn't necessarily point north, and that they all seemed to point in various directions.  This company eventually laid off all of their staff and went out of business.  I had quit about a month or two before that though, because I felt that the death march project we were working on was doomed.

- - - - -
That's what I always say about you, boz, you have a good memory for random facts about pussy. -- joh3n
[ Parent ]
Compasses that don't point in the same direction. by nightflameblue (4.00 / 1) #12 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:51:37 AM EST
That sounds like it sums up the company at the time perfectly.

[ Parent ]
Morale boosters by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #13 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:57:29 AM EST
Our team had a bit of a morale booster failure when the entire team got given a certain electronic toy that 80% of the team already owned.

But at least it wasn't cheap, nor was it crap.
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

[ Parent ]
Man by jayhawk88 (2.00 / 0) #4 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:16:55 AM EST
Those questions are like 5th level of hell evil aren't they? What the hell does any of that even mean? Does anyone really ever sit down and consider what they fell are "positive morale boosters" to them? Or what their "goals that will improve their work environment" are?

And even if you did get a bunch of responses from people that were trying to take it seriously and give thoughtful answers, what the hell does it tell you? People are different, they want different things, they have different motivations. Things that every boss has known since the cat-o-nine tails has fallen out of use in the workplace. I get that MBA's need work but Jesus, what the hell is anyone going to learn from a questionaire like this?

May I quote you? by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #6 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:26:57 AM EST
I believe you succinctly put together the general feeling I had the first time I read through the questions, and may be the best possible response to the entire affair.

[ Parent ]
My comment was DRM protected by jayhawk88 (4.00 / 1) #17 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 06:30:01 AM EST
And you subconsciously agreed to the invisible terms of use when you read it. Sorry.

Things like this just kind of get me going. HR touchy-feely stuff is kind of like this too, those BS "get along with your co-workers" training sessions they put you through every once in a while. They give you some multiple choice bastardized Myers-Briggs test where every question asks you if you're a Carpenter Ant, Nurse Shark, or Lawyer Bird, and then at the end we all have this wonderful revelation where we learn that some people naturally like to socialize with co-workers and some don't. Like we all haven't had this figured out since Kindergarten. All you really end up taking away is validation for your prejudices you came in with: The non-socializing, technical, "just come to work to work" types all figure they do all the work while the other half just sit around and gossip all day long, while the extroverted, face time, former cheerleader types all figure that they're the only thing keeping the office from becoming a Brazil-style sweatshop, and all the stick-in-the-muds on the other side just need to get happy dammit.

[ Parent ]
This is for an MBA program? by Phil the Canuck (4.00 / 1) #7 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:27:03 AM EST
Better ask what color crayon to fill it out with, then.

[ Parent ]
Markers. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #9 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:29:58 AM EST
Though this is for technically savvy MBAs, so Photoshop could do in a pinch.

[ Parent ]
My answers by Phil the Canuck (2.00 / 0) #5 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:25:06 AM EST
1.  Keep your head down, stay out of the line of fire.

2.  Eth...ethh...ethig...what?

3.  Money.  It gets me up in the morning.  It fills the gas tank of the car that gets me here.  It pays for the hobbies that I use to take out my frustrations, saving lives.  Lack of money is a negative.  I react to a lack of money with passive aggression, because active aggression would get me arrested (which would cause me to lose money).

4.  When the project becomes a pain in my ass and giving up doesn't cause me any loss of income (see #3).

5.  Don't miss out on lunch.  Try to get someone else to pay (saving money).

6.  Some sort of device that would cause any Toyota Prius (and contents) entering the parking lot to disintegrate.  Without knowing where I work, you'll just have to trust me that this would improve things around here.

7.  I would leave.  If the meeting was so damned important, someone would be talking.

8.  Will this cost me money?  Will this get me more money?

number 3 by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #8 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:27:59 AM EST
so true, so true.

i especially find it demoralizing when they have "team building exercises" or some other corny shit that takes you away from your job to participate in....and you're still magically responsible for getting all your work done.  total bs.  i am NOT a joiner.

Oh, good one. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 05:33:06 AM EST
The kids upstairs and their daily cheerleading session is something that makes me feel pretty beat down. You hear the "GOOD MORNING CUSTOMER SERVICE!" scream and then a few minutes later the "FUNHOUSE, WOOHOO!" and they all jump in unison making the floor and walls shake. Yeah, that feels like someone is beating my head with a baseball bat while yelling, "FOR THE GOOD OF THE COMPANY!"

They ever ask me to participate, I'll gut them.

That or the birthday club that goes through the halls clapping until they get to the birthday person, then sing a humiliatingly soul-crushing birthday song that they made up because they're scared they'd get in trouble if they used the real birthday song on company grounds. Which reminds me, I need to get vacation for the days surrounding my birthday so the little bastards don't try that on me. I'm not sure how many I'd kill if that happened to me, I just know the berserker rage would be likely to take out several bystanders as well as the birthday club itself.

[ Parent ]
customer service is a different world by gzt (2.00 / 0) #14 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 06:00:32 AM EST
the sort of people that do it, they have to do that sort of nonsense or they go completely utterly insane. in a way that costs the company money, that is.

[ Parent ]
That'd be a short trip. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #15 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 06:05:12 AM EST
Most of them are a single footstep away from insane when they start the job.

[ Parent ]
well, that's why i added the caveat. by gzt (2.00 / 0) #16 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 06:12:21 AM EST
they're insane, but not in a way that costs the company money. if they didn't do those things, they'd go insane in a way that costs the company money.

[ Parent ]
Twenty minutes a day spent screaming at each other by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #18 Wed Sep 24, 2008 at 07:41:31 AM EST
seems like a pretty big waste of money to me. But hey, I'm not the person with his name on the paychecks.

[ Parent ]
Ah by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #19 Thu Sep 25, 2008 at 12:41:28 AM EST
When I did frontline stuff, we all just drank a lot, and quit after 6 months.

[ Parent ]
Do you answer honestly? | 19 comments (19 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback