Just because you want something to be true, doesn't mean it will ever be.
If I could find the right combination of syllables to connect the dots from point A to point Z, from me to you to the world and the works, I'd do it without hesitation. My lack of capability with the words I use is more frustrating than any other capability I lack. And there is plenty that I lack, but I'm better at some of the stuff that I do than most, and I prove it only by doing it. An organic process that leads me to understand what my limitations are, regardless of the realm I am expressing them in.
Physical, emotional, intellectual...yeah. I'm a pretty big moron past a certain point. But I fool well, and lean into lies with a haste and innocence that liars find irresistible. I also listen intently to everyone, catalog every word.
I do it for the stories.
I am going to tell you a story about two dogs, both of whom died. One died on the 31st of June. The other died at the new year. Out of the two, one is alive again.
It was new year's eve, nearly 6pm. One of my co-workers, a woman who manages our contracts, was dog sitting for a friend. Her dog and this other dog got along well enough, but could play pretty rough.
Initially she thought they were fighting. The friend's dog (whose name I didn't get) had caught her lower jaw in my co-worker's dog Scooby's collar, and had subsequently twisted around so much that her jaw was being cut open. Scooby was strangling. They couldn't get scissors under the collar, it had bit in too deep.
They finally got the collar popped off, and the other dog ran while they tried to revive Scooby, who had turned blue and stopped breathing. No heartbeat. My co-worker's husband closed the dog's mouth and started giving it resuscitative breathing through it's nose. They scooped the dog up, ran to the car, and started driving. My co-worker threw her cell phone at her daughter and told her to call the vets...she had no idea where she was driving, but she was headed in that direction. The vet stayed open to treat Scooby. They got there at five minutes 'til six, the vet staff panicky but professional. The dog had started to revive.
They gave Scooby an epinephrine shot...this constricted the blood vessels that had burst around her neck, jump started her heart, and got her moving. They X-rayed and her neck was OK but there were burst blood vessels in the dog's sinuses and eyes.
But Scooby lived to play another day due to the quick thinking husband (who knew to close the dog's mouth and breathe through her nose) and my co-worker, who kept her panic and fear down enough to get to the vet. The vet staff told her at one point "you can clean up over there..." She didn't realize that she was covered in blood.
They get home, and the owners of the other dog are on their way, none the wiser. They find the other dog, calm her down, and check her out. Imagine having to tell someone, hey, your dog got pretty ripped up....
It all ended up OK, but it is a lesson: don't leave your dog's collar on if they're at all playful with other dogs. If you do leave their collar on, make sure it has a quick-release catch that can be snapped off (like http://www.rescuepetstore.com/category/lupine.html?gclid=CPGVsKOs7pQCFREWQgod2iiXqQ).
Recently, my friend Pat...he and his wife are two of my favorite people...lost their dog Oliver to a bacterial disease. Ollie was a standard poodle mix, a big curly haired black dog with this goofy, charging, strong personality. A great dog with a great personality.
Ollie died yesterday from kidney failure caused by leptospirosis. This disease is becoming more common in urban areas. See http://www.2ndchance.info/leptospirosis.htm
Pat, when he let us know Ollie had died, sent this link and a lot of info about preventing this disease.
If I could find the right set of words, I'd put things right. Restore all the dogs and the grandmothers and the soldiers. The lost and the dead, the missed and the forsaken. Remove the barrier that turns life into memory. Connect the dots.
Make sense of the universe.
And though I am sometimes adept at the language, I don't know magic and I am just not that good at the language. And that limitation pains me every time someone loses a friend, a family member, a pet, a love.
The heart breaks, and there is beauty in healing, but the moment is too myopic to properly endure. We lose sight of the wider view, the way the world works. Suffering sharpens the vision, whittles the soul, makes us self-aware. Loses us.
Eventually we'll all be dust, and that doesn't scare me a bit. What scares me is the time between now and then, and what losses may come to those I love.
The best I can do, then, is learn what I can, and make peace with what I can't. Maybe someone will find that magic language that restores our lunar selves, engages our mind and senses to the larger world. Maybe.
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