Print Story So if there is everything
By blixco (Fri Aug 01, 2008 at 07:58:52 PM EST) (all tags)
and nothing behind those eyes.

Disjointed, depressing.

I keep thinking that a theory of everything will be less a math problem and more a philosophy problem, a linguistic hack that makes our brains unwind and locate some inner sense of connection to the larger world.  A trick, on the surface, that unravels our biological jail cell and initiates some larger consciousness.  I keep thinking this, and it keeps not being true.

Just because you want something to be true, doesn't mean it will ever be.

If I could find the right combination of syllables to connect the dots from point A to point Z, from me to you to the world and the works, I'd do it without hesitation. My lack of capability with the words I use is more frustrating than any other capability I lack. And there is plenty that I lack, but I'm better at some of the stuff that I do than most, and I prove it only by doing it. An organic process that leads me to understand what my limitations are, regardless of the realm I am expressing them in.

Physical, emotional, intellectual...yeah. I'm a pretty big moron past a certain point. But I fool well, and lean into lies with a haste and innocence that liars find irresistible. I also listen intently to everyone, catalog every word.

I do it for the stories.

I am going to tell you a story about two dogs, both of whom died. One died on the 31st of June. The other died at the new year. Out of the two, one is alive again.

It was new year's eve, nearly 6pm. One of my co-workers, a woman who manages our contracts, was dog sitting for a friend. Her dog and this other dog got along well enough, but could play pretty rough.

Initially she thought they were fighting. The friend's dog (whose name I didn't get) had caught her lower jaw in my co-worker's dog Scooby's collar, and had subsequently twisted around so much that her jaw was being cut open. Scooby was strangling. They couldn't get scissors under the collar, it had bit in too deep.

They finally got the collar popped off, and the other dog ran while they tried to revive Scooby, who had turned blue and stopped breathing.  No heartbeat. My co-worker's husband closed the dog's mouth and started giving it resuscitative breathing through it's nose. They scooped the dog up, ran to the car, and started driving. My co-worker threw her cell phone at her daughter and told her to call the vets...she had no idea where she was driving, but she was headed in that direction.  The vet stayed open to treat Scooby.  They got there at five minutes 'til six, the vet staff panicky but professional.  The dog had started to revive.

They gave Scooby an epinephrine shot...this constricted the blood vessels that had burst around her neck, jump started her heart, and got her moving. They X-rayed and her neck was OK but there were burst blood vessels in the dog's sinuses and eyes.

But Scooby lived to play another day due to the quick thinking husband (who knew to close the dog's mouth and breathe through her nose) and my co-worker, who kept her panic and fear down enough to get to the vet.  The vet staff told her at one point "you can clean up over there..." She didn't realize that she was covered in blood.

They get home, and the owners of the other dog are on their way, none the wiser. They find the other dog, calm her down, and check her out.  Imagine having to tell someone, hey, your dog got pretty ripped up....

It all ended up OK, but it is a lesson: don't leave your dog's collar on if they're at all playful with other dogs. If you do leave their collar on, make sure it has a quick-release catch that can be snapped off (like

Recently, my friend Pat...he and his wife are two of my favorite people...lost their dog Oliver to a bacterial disease. Ollie was a standard poodle mix, a big curly haired black dog with this goofy, charging, strong personality. A great dog with a great personality.

Ollie died yesterday from kidney failure caused by leptospirosis. This disease is becoming more common in urban areas.  See

Pat, when he let us know Ollie had died, sent this link and a lot of info about preventing this disease.

If I could find the right set of words, I'd put things right. Restore all the dogs and the grandmothers and the soldiers. The lost and the dead, the missed and the forsaken. Remove the barrier that turns life into memory. Connect the dots.

Make sense of the universe.

And though I am sometimes adept at the language, I don't know magic and I am just not that good at the language. And that limitation pains me every time someone loses a friend, a family member, a pet, a love.

The heart breaks, and there is beauty in healing, but the moment is too myopic to properly endure. We lose sight of the wider view, the way the world works. Suffering sharpens the vision, whittles the soul, makes us self-aware. Loses us.

Eventually we'll all be dust, and that doesn't scare me a bit. What scares me is the time between now and then, and what losses may come to those I love.

The best I can do, then, is learn what I can, and make peace with what I can't. Maybe someone will find that magic language that restores our lunar selves, engages our mind and senses to the larger world. Maybe.

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So if there is everything | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I think I'll go cry now. by Ranieri (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Aug 01, 2008 at 10:34:56 PM EST
Beautiful, as always.

Thanks. by blixco (2.00 / 0) #2 Sat Aug 02, 2008 at 06:32:48 AM EST

"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
I have thought by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #3 Sat Aug 02, 2008 at 05:46:05 PM EST
that part of the barrier to our understanding the theory of everything was the inability of language to map directly to the fundamental truth of the way things are. You can get close; you can capture some approximation of it. I have thought that if you could somehow collect every expression of every thought ever, if you had the time and capacity to look at the cumulative efforts of the human race, you could see the Truth in the darkest Venn intersection of those things.

I believe in the power of incantations, though, of syllables and signifiers arranged in such a way as to have an awesome effect. Like truth, magic is something we can brush up against, even if by accident, when we reach out for it. It's just that it's hard to predict, difficult to reproduce, and sometimes we don't realize it's there. But we keep trying, and occasionally the sparks do leap across the gap, and there is that brief connection, that maybe we can find again.

"Late to the party" is the new "ahead of the curve" -- CRwM

Hard to prevent lepto by debacle (4.00 / 1) #4 Mon Aug 04, 2008 at 05:46:15 AM EST
It's basically a death mark for any dog smaller than a lab, and it'll fuck up every dogs kidneys and will eventually lead to failure.

You seem to lament very often. I don't know if it's a reconciliatory process for you, but if you can't easily shed the emotions and memories of yesterday, you're not going to be able to live for today very well. The world shouldn't have to make sense for us to be happy, just so long as we are ignorant (and yet accepting) of our insignificance.

Every thing we feel, we feel for ourselves, though we don't know it. Our emotions keep our mind moving long enough to get past them.

Lunar selves? Are we drifting into anime territory?


Well that's the core of it, isn't it? by blixco (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Aug 04, 2008 at 06:27:48 AM EST
I guess it's not so much lamentation as a certain inability to accept the current.

For whatever reasons.  And there are many.

Keep in mind though, that this here is just a small piece of my day.  A very very small piece. It doesn't reflect the whole person, just choice bits that are deemed readable.

The "now" is very boring. Boring is not an emotion that is easy to tap into and write. Sure, it's a lazy way to write. That's why I'm not a professional.
"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin

[ Parent ]
A lot of things are happening right now by debacle (2.00 / 0) #6 Mon Aug 04, 2008 at 06:57:49 AM EST
Maybe, as I said, you just can't properly encounter them?


[ Parent ]
Or maybe by blixco (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Aug 04, 2008 at 06:58:38 AM EST
a selective and narrow read on what I am is incorrect?
"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
I don't think that's possible by debacle (4.00 / 1) #8 Mon Aug 04, 2008 at 07:04:09 AM EST
All of my selective and narrow reads on what I am have proven that I am incapable of being incorrect.


[ Parent ]
So if there is everything | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback