Print Story Let's assume it is fiction.
Diary
By blixco (Thu May 08, 2008 at 04:11:30 AM EST) (all tags)
If I lose my step along the way
and if the speech of victim fills my throat


For any perceived injustice done to my life, there are countless worse visited to countless more.  The world is a trial for some, a rough and deadly way to no good end. It can always be worse, but for some it could not possibly be.

If I were to tell you what she'd been through, list it out like a grocery list?  Write it out longhand in the nearest notebook?  It would shock and seethe, you would be lost for air, wanting an exit. Her mundane "bad day" makes my mundane bad day look like a day in a park, a day spent at rest in fields.  She's had the very worst of it distilled to a point and driven through her from childhood.

Some people live as examples of their kindness or tolerance or ability to forgive in the face of inhuman struggle.  Some people seem to serve as markers for the sorts of reserve strength that humans are capable of.  And some just light the way with their fire, pointlessly dying in the course of suffering so dire that no human language can contain the description; it breaks into howls and grinding.  She rests firmly in that company, caught between her mundane life and the course it offers, the paths and trespasses clearly marked. Scar tissue in and out, a constant nerve on bone pain.  She wakes with it, breathes with it, eats with it, talks to it, writes around it. Physical, emotional, turmoil.

She wakes with nerve pain blinding her, does what she has to. Makes breakfast. Puts the kids to school.

Works through the day finding phrase from muses too dim and distant. Grinds her teeth with agony when the pain is too distinct.

Goes to bed at night with echoes, spirits.

She exists as a mother, a wife, a friend. She can still be labeled daughter, but not without a certain warfare happening behind her eyes. She wears combat boots in there, marches in strict lossless time to her inner turmoil.  Wakes with fire behind every nerve, and starts it up again but the whole time there's a pinpoint of pain sharper than any other, every day bright and backward, evil.  She faces that, no matter what. Every action lit by it.

One day back there, one day she must have just decided: fuck this.  This is too much and too little, and it courses through veins sickened by so much poison.  And it is threatening the very core of what I am, it is breaking me into smaller and smaller pieces and one day I may not be able to identify my ashes in this hurricane.

And she found something else, something more than human, some thing that allowed her to stay calm. To steady her hands, to make the world spin under it's own power and not under the weight of her trouble.  And slowly piece by piece, she dropped the danger and blood and turmoil and picked up on some universal thing, some untold truth that exists somewhere buried in the most traumatic heart of all of us.

And she won't call it God, and neither will I.

She won't ascribe magic to what can be explained. No arrogance, no hatred, everything she has been victim of her entire life becomes braille on armor that she sets aside for future reference but lives now without the weight. She has found some core thing that gives mothers strength to lift busses from their children's bodies. She has found fuel and fire from her past and pain and no amount of hyperbolic hysteria can properly put the words on the page that mean what she is now.

Her motherhood means, some part of her is passing into the world and science insists that the best of it will be handed off to her daughter and the universe? The universe may be saved by this.

< A Day in the Life | You'd think that there would be some sort >
Let's assume it is fiction. | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
VS2FP by ana (4.00 / 3) #1 Thu May 08, 2008 at 04:31:25 AM EST
That is all.

"And this ... is a piece of Synergy." --Kellnerin

Morphine. Morphine is the answer. by greyrat (4.00 / 3) #2 Thu May 08, 2008 at 04:35:21 AM EST
I know because I just used my last back surgery hydrocodone and I dearly miss them. The fact that I either can't feel my right foot or feel that my right foot has and ice pick shoved in it all becomes irrelevant in the presence of morphine. And the pain in my foot is the easy one.

But hey, I'm just a guy.


Morphine is self serving. by blixco (3.33 / 3) #3 Thu May 08, 2008 at 04:47:11 AM EST
It makes the pain worse.

I hated leaving it. That warmth. That stirring consequence of one small pill.  Every nerve yearned for it.  My paralysis was, like yours, stabbed on occasion by hot nails of pain.

It has been a long time since I dropped the opiates. My numbness is still there.  I do still have jarring pain if I move just wrong.  But I don't have that urgent desire to flood my body with bloodwarm opiates. It takes a good few days of cursing the ground you live on.

You know all of this.
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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin

[ Parent ]
Everything is self serving. by greyrat (4.00 / 2) #5 Thu May 08, 2008 at 05:05:10 AM EST
Just sayin'

[ Parent ]
Oh and, by blixco (4.00 / 1) #4 Thu May 08, 2008 at 04:50:07 AM EST
I hate it when I get interrupted by work while I am supposed to be working.
  1. "Just a guy" implies something that I did not at all intend and
  2. The "her" in the above story has dealt not just with physical pain since childhood, but traumas I cannot go into without losing my goddamn mind. To compare ourselves...any of us...to that?  Why do that?

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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
Yes, I know. by greyrat (4.00 / 1) #6 Thu May 08, 2008 at 05:07:07 AM EST
  1. "Just a guy" was poking fun at myself.
  2. I got that in your text. I just cherry picked for my response.


[ Parent ]
There are things that defy commentary by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 1) #7 Thu May 08, 2008 at 05:37:31 AM EST
there's nothing to be said, it stands on it's own.

Peace.

--
Has anybody seen my clue? I know I had it when I came in here.

VS2FP by Breaker (4.00 / 1) #8 Thu May 08, 2008 at 12:30:46 PM EST
Powerful, brutal and uplifting.


yep. it sucks having ovaries. by 256 (4.00 / 1) #9 Thu May 08, 2008 at 05:56:26 PM EST
but it turns out the human experience is the human experience.
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I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni
It sucks having ovaries? by blixco (2.00 / 0) #10 Fri May 09, 2008 at 04:23:37 AM EST
That's an interesting thing to take away from this.
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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
i would agree that it sucks having ovaries by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 1) #11 Sun Jun 01, 2008 at 02:33:53 PM EST
but i didn't get that out of this either- even though my ovaries ARE my pain.
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if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]
Let's assume it is fiction. | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback