So anyway, we hadn't spoken with each other for a few years when I read the NY Times story. So I got his office number and called him up one morning, putting on my best "enraged hillbilly voice".
Me: YOU THE MAN IN CHARGE OF BACKALOTMENTS? WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU CUTTING BACK BACKALOTMENTS??
Him: Excuse me?
Me: BACKALOTMENTS! BACKALOTMENTS! WHAT YOU DOING WITH THEM?
Him: Um, are you talking about tobacco allotments?
Me: God damit, what you think I'm talking about! Why you taking away my 'lotment?
Him: Well sir, tobacco allotments are established by Congress. We at the USDA merely administer the program.
Me: I don't want no fancy talk! Give me my money!
Him: OK sir, please calm down. Can I get your name so I can look into this?
Me: Is your name C?
Him: Yes, but--
Me: Sounds like a Jew name! I gotta listen to some Jew up in Washington DC tell me I can't have my money now? I'm gonna come up there and get it myself!
Him: Excuse me, sir . . .
At that point I couldn't keep it up anymore and told him who I was. It took him about ten minutes to calm down. I had really scared him. I guess that was pretty cruel of me, but once I got going I could hardly stop.
Of course if the shoe had been on the other foot I had been in charge of the program and he had called me pretending to be a redneck, he wouldn't have stopped until I had called the FBI.
MEANWHILE out in California today, my friend Harold Feld, who blogs with me on wetmachine, is going to be an expert witness on the FCC net neutrality hearing at Stanford. Man, I think we can expect that to be a circus.
All morning I've had in my mind an image of me taking his place at the hearing, like Ben Afleck took Matt Damon's place at the job interview in Good Will Hunting.
I jump up on the table and start screaming at the FCC commissioners: "What's this I hear you gonna take away my innernet! Keep yer goddamn politician hands off my innernet!" etc, etc.
Oh well, in order to have pulled that off, I would have had to have flown out to California, kidnapped Harold & stuck him in a closet, etc, etc, by now. But I didn't have enough room on my credit card to buy a ticket, so I guess I'm going to just have to watch from afar.
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