Print Story I Scream, My Love
By slozo (Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 03:34:59 AM EST) (all tags)
Some notes, musings, and ruminations on the weird, wacky, and wide world of iced desserts . . .

Vote in the poll to decide what flavour of treat I get tonight!*

*Ballots only cast via electronic means. No paper or electronic copies will be kept of said cast votes, voters must be 18 years or over. Rules subject to indirect scrutiny and flagrant violation. Residents of Quebec and the Welsh are exempt, no purchase necessary.

Life. What kind of sad, pathetic, wasteful, unimaginative a place it would be without impulse, without doing something bad. Tasting the forbidden fruit, knowing that, in the end, it will all go sideways, but plunging in straight ahead anyways.

That's right, I'm talking ice-cream, my second (yes dear) true love.

I can get downright preachy while pontificating on a lifestyle of health by eating only natural things from mother nature's grocery store. I do my utmost to obtain natural ingredients, to keep out as much salt and sugar from my diet. I work hard to eat my veggies, and when I don't want to, my wife 'helps' (forces) me. I'm on the road to a better future, and only one roadblock stands in the way . . . my crack-style addiction to ice-cream. And frozen yoghurt, sorry, forgot about that one - a perfectly just as great delicacy it is, oh yes, frozen yoghurt.

How I yearn for thee. Why can't you be as healthy as my other culinary loves?!? Why hast thou forsaken me in my quest for living the good and healthy life?

Seafood . . . I absolutely love seafood. Thankfully, the shrimp, lobster (once in a while, maybe even tonight as the idea has been seeded), oysters, scallops, fish . . . they are all quite healthy. I mean, I feel good after eating them, if you know what I mean (nudge nudge, wink wink). But my dreaded nemesis, ice-cream . . . no matter how much I try to rationalise the detrimental physical (and let's face it - spiritual, as well) effects, I just keep coming back for more.

Strange, twisted, wretched domestic scenes of violence have occurred in my homestead. My wife and I have wrestled in the kitchen, a large tub of frozen yoghurt between us, with both of us laughing (but with that undercurrent of consternation and determination to get one's own way) at the other. Like a sad basketball scrum gone wrong, where suddenly, as if in a dream, you realise that the tenacious Iverson has somehow managed to squeeze out the ball from Shaq's grip. Elbows fly akimbo as a foul-inducing headlock and wrestling move are administered. Oh, don't you worry now, and don't get me wrong - Shaq always wins. But Iverson is a feisty little bugger . . . and he bites!

As the other combatant leaves the arena in a huff, I hug my bowl of the creamy frozen treat, my guilty prize. The delicious sensation of the cold on my tongue, gently lolling it's way in my mouth as the consistency changes from solid to liquid. Like a child's science experiment, it's bloody science taking place here, serious business! Sweet, sugary, cool, creamy, and touched with the delicate flavours of that particular container . . . coffee flavoured, french vanilla and walnut, cookie dough, mint chocolate, egg nog (once a year), maple, butterscotch ripple, vanilla almond, and the lip-tremble inducing flavours from the H-D family - chocolate chip cookie dough, rocky road, banana split, that one with monkey in the title . . . (sigh) . . I mix it up in the bowl, inducing memories of when littlestar and I were kids. Spoon in hand, moving in a circular motion, agitating the contents like a furious chef whipping eggs. It changes form once again, into some kind of very smooth, pudding-like substance . . . this is my Valhalla dessert.

The fridge and freezer are a little empty right now, but we go shopping tonight, and I have already thrown down the gauntlet, and texted the wife: we will have lobster this eve.

When she's not looking, I'll mosey over to the frozen dessert aisle and surreptitiously place the icy grail into the cart, probably hidden underneath the foliage of chinese lettuce and broccoli.

Let the ice chips fall where they may!

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I Scream, My Love | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Oh, well! by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #1 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 04:48:12 AM EST
I had a really great idea for you; but as it turns out, I may be Wel[s/c]h.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

"May be" hints at a mixture . . . by slozo (2.00 / 0) #2 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 04:51:30 AM EST
. . . and depending on what else you have mixed into your DNA ethnic heritage, a special consideration could be forwarded. It better be good, though!

[ Parent ]
pay up you welcher by sasquatchan (4.00 / 2) #5 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 05:18:16 AM EST
I want my two dollars! /80s

[ Parent ]
I say - pick up the healthiest option. by muchagecko (4.00 / 1) #3 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 05:03:13 AM EST
Good luck.

"It means more if you have to earn it, even if it's by doing something as simple as eating a meal." Kellnerin
Let it be stated clearly here . . . by slozo (4.00 / 1) #4 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 05:17:22 AM EST
. . . this advice will not be tolerated!

I thought you were my friend.

[ Parent ]
A friend on a diet. by muchagecko (4.00 / 2) #6 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 05:21:01 AM EST
I wouldn't trust my judgment either.

"It means more if you have to earn it, even if it's by doing something as simple as eating a meal." Kellnerin
[ Parent ]
for whose definition of "healthiest"? by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #8 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 09:42:02 AM EST
it's not a terrible suggestion, if by "healthiest" you mean the richest, most complex, full flavored, and NATURAL ice cream you can find...the type that's probably twice as expensive as other ice creams. i use this strategy with chocolate, buying a $10 or so bar of chocolate and making it last 2 months, rather than a bar of cheap grocery store crap that's only good if you gulp it down in 3 bites because it's void of any and all flavor other than (cheap) sugar..

[ Parent ]
Buy an ice cream maker by Alan Crowe (4.00 / 1) #7 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 09:34:44 AM EST
You don't need to spend $400 on one with built in refrigeration, just shell out $40 for one with a cold cylinder that you chill over-night in the freezer. Then you can experiment with your own flavour.

My greatest success has been Halva ice cream. Just chop 100g of halva and stir it into the usual recipe: 1/2pt milk, 1/2pt dbl cream, 100g sugar, 50g water. (err, I'm omit the step of making the sugar syrup, read the instructions that come with the machine).

My worst failure was Liquorice Allsort ice cream. Disaster. Don't ask.

Health? Being fattening is an extensive quality not an intensive quality. There are no fattening foods only eating too much. Don't eat when you are not hungry and you will be fine. (though if you are a sedentary worker you will not each very much, which can be disappointing if you have created a flavoured ice cream that you especially like.)

That is a plan so devious . . . by slozo (2.00 / 0) #10 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 11:01:18 AM EST
. . . that it just might work! The Gatekeeper of the fridge won't see it coming . . . and halva, eh? That brings back the memories - I loved that stuff. With my Real Milk, my ice cream is sure to be extra rich and delicious!

I agree with your take on "fattening foods" to some extent . . . it is pretty well about 'how much'.

[ Parent ]
the less sugar you use, the less your by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #11 Wed Mar 19, 2008 at 01:21:04 PM EST
brain will crave it.

[ Parent ]
Hahahaha by littlestar (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Mar 18, 2008 at 10:17:52 AM EST
This is so YOU!!! Your love of ice cream has never wavered in all the changes of life and time. That has to mean something... you love ice cream!

I also tend to buy the good stuff and then eat it slower and smaller quantities. Yum!

I Scream, My Love | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback