Print Story THE CAREBEARS HAVE INVADED!
Diary
By nightflameblue (Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 05:45:27 AM EST) (all tags)
Our home will never be the same.

Invasions. Money redux. Photo family fun. Work bullshit. VOLUME! I CAN HAZ INTERNETZ!

PLUS! A very special, limited edition, don't me a moron with your money special report, just for you, that's way too long.



So, I told you about Mrs. NFB's coloring contest at work right? Everybody is supposed to pick from this series of pictures to color, color them, put their names on the back of them so the judges can't tell whose is whose, and turn them in for the big contest at her work. Winner gets something or another. I don't know, the chance to feel even less adult than the rest of the crew? Something.

Anyway, she brought them home last night. I see the stack of papers on the table and ask if that's the pictures. She says yes. I look at them.

Carebears. They're Carebears. Right out of a coloring book.

I thought about scanning one of them in and doing it up on the computer cell-shaded style. I have some minor experience doing comic/cartoon style coloring and these pictures were simple enough it wouldn't be a major problem. But then I realized, giving her a glossy printed super-colored picture would probably send those jackasses at her place of employment into sugar shock and instead of seeing it as sarcasm (as it was intended) they'd think she was some kind of prodigy with a crayon and elect her to a department that does coloring all day long.

Her idea was to just take a black crayon and scribble-color over the entire page and turn that in. I like her idea better.

BREAK

ATTENTION FUCKERS WHO OWE ME MONEY INFIDELS!

You still owe me. And none of you paid up. You've been given until Sunday, and then I put everything back up for sale. There's people out there willing to pay. If you aren't one of them, stop wasting my time.

NEGATIVE!

BREAK

This weekend is phase two in our old-school clothing photos. Since her mom and dad can't ever be around each other, we have to do pictures with each of them separately. So, this is "mom's" turn.

Also, I've been told to brace myself for going to my second least favorite restaurant in town. I warned Mrs. NFB the food sucks. She doesn't believe me. The god damn pizza tastes like someone vomitted in the sauce. I dislike it muchly. So, I just won't eat. Or I'll nibble on a breadstick or something.

I'm pretty open-minded with food, but once a place has sucked three consecutive times, I'm not going to give them another chance. For some reason, people keep dragging me back there. I protest it each time, but whatever. She'll see, it's just as sucktastic as the previous SIL suggestion. Even though she ultimately agrees with me after trying, she always seems to think her sister's suggestions HAVE to be good. So far she's suggested Long John Silver's (greasy suck), Coyote Canyon (greasy, all-you-can-eat suck), and now Valentino's (pizza that tastes like puke suck).

But, hey, I'll go. I made my protest up-front. So when everybody but SIL ends up saying it sucks, I'll just smile knowingly and keep my mouth shut. 'Cause I'm a model of restraint, bitches.

BREAK

So, Zippy just up and disappeared yesterday sometime after eleven. No one knows what happened to him. He came in this morning and explained that his kid was a little bit sick. His wife stays home all day taking care of her, but if there's so much as an overly shitty diaper, she calls him and he'd better move his ass and get home.

She's a little needy. His wife, not his kid. His kid's a kid. His wife? She's a whole other level.

So, I'm sitting in Destro's office at around 4:30 going over shit for me to work on today and next week, making sure we got our priorities straight and all that. Destro here lately has been pushing BB and myself's buttons by constantly re-prioritizing lists based on who comes last. FILO instead of FIFO. So, we're sitting there talking about a query report request he's been sitting on for several days and is just now getting around to telling me about. It's something the requesting department has actually wanted for months, but we just now are starting to get specced out. OK, I can deal with that. But then he gets an email in the middle of the discussion. It's one of the HR folks with a "when you get time" request. Basically, the type of thing that should go on the bottom of the priority list and be taken care of in the order it was received.

Destro immediately says, "oh, here's another one. Better do this one first."

I had words.

He tried to explain to me how important it is that we take care of things as they come in. I re-explained to him that pushing everything else aside to take care of the last thing that was requested just makes all the other jobs wait longer. He seemed extremely confused by this.

BB and I discussed it and came to the conclusion that the boss runs on a single-interrupt system. Something new catches his attention, and it trips his cache dump and that's the end of everything else. The only thing that matters is what's immediately in front of him. Everything else falls away.

We're not sure there's any cure, short of a hard-reboot of his primary operating system. We're discussing ways to route power mains to his keyboard.

BREAK

ATTENTION LOUD FUCKERS IN THE OFFICE INFIDELS!

Wahwah is one of the loudest, most obnoxious assholes in the building. Constantly wahwahwahing his way around the office. Everything he says, he says at top volume. Yet he's so cotton-stuffed that you can't make out anything but a vague WAHWAHWAHWAH sound.

There's this stupid chick that sits three desks up and one row over from me that has a laughter problem. I mean, she can't not laugh. Ever. And it's not the nervous titter giggle type laugh either. It's full-fledged WAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAWAHAHAHAHA laughing.

A few moments ago she's on the phone with someone and breaks into one of her fits of laughter. This may be the loudest one yet. Screaming peals of laughter that just rain down on the cube-farm like a bombing run. Once, twice, three times. WAHWAH, never one to complain about noise for any reason, as he's the primary instigator, yells out of his office, "SETTLE DOWN!"

She laughs louder.

I look for this war to last a while. We've got two noise-makers trying to one-up each other. This is going to get ugly.

BREAK

BREAK

A VERY SPECIAL REPORT

AFKS called me last night to catch up a bit. And to express his fear.

Those of you who remember, AFKS has a SIL that's a bit of a princess. She's the youngest of quite a troup of brats. Seven I think? Anyway, she's the baby, and everybody still treats her as such.

So, she's going on her second bankruptcy. Oh, not there yet, but headed that route.

Now, personally, I don't get it. Her husband is a guy who works three months a year but gets a SHIT_TON of money for it. Like, over fifty grand at least, every summer. Seventy-five grand this past summer. And it's not like they live in the lap of luxury. It's stupid shit the money goes to, and nothing that affects quality-of-life. They practically live is squallor. So, in my mind, there's no fucking excuse for the monetary position they keep finding themselves in. And yet?

Well, they couldn't afford the rent the past two months. AFKS's wife helped out last month, but probably won't help out this month. Even though the edict from the higher powers of the family has been no more help for those lousy bastards, she worries about their kids, and so she helps. As AFKS says about it, her heart's in the right place, but her head's up her ass.

Anyway, she had to help with rent last month, and they probably are going to get booted this month because they can't pull it together. And, to illustrate just how they keep ending up here, the sister tells his wife, "I'm gonna throw a pool party at the $FANCY_MOTEL for my four year old's birthday party. Want to come?"

To say her reaction was one of anger would be a mild understatement. They can't afford a roof over their heads, probably can't afford to eat, and she's talking about throwing a pool party at one of the most expensive motels in the city.

This, my friends, is the problem. She's got no mind for practicality, and has an uncanny ability to find the most frivolous things in existence to spend money on. And refuses to hold down a steady job. And refuses to allow her husband to hold down even a decent part-time job during his off season. He needs to be at her beck and fuckin' call, because that's why she married him in the first place.

AFKS's wife suggested they cancel their cable (which apparently has every pay-channel in the universe on it) for a few months, and their in-house internet. Her sister lost her god-damned mind over that, saying it's a horrible idea. So, they won't be able to afford a place to live, but by gawd they'll have their cable (to nowhere apparently).

So, you see the spiral?

Anyway, AFKS's wife is explaining the situation to him. Saying they're going to be booted out of their home soon. "They could live with mom for a while, but that would only be for a week or two before she'd have to kick them out because she just can't get along with them. They could live with his dad, but his dad is somewhat sick and not really able to handle being around the kids all the time. They could go live with our dad, but that would mean moving away from the rest of the family. . ." blah blah blah on and on.

Finally, sensing the pattern, AFKS interrupts her, "Are you suggesting they come and live here with us?"

She gets all happy looking and excited and says, "could they? That would be awesome."

His unequivocal answer was HELL FUCKING NO.

The entire problem is the family continues to bail them out, no matter how far they fall. Unfortunately, they're in one of those addiction situations where the only way out is to hit rock fucking bottom and realize you got nowhere else to turn. That's not going to happen if people keep bailing them out. I see that. AFKS sees that. AFKS's wife? She wants to help.

I gave him the only advice I could give. I told him that I know she's thinking in terms of protecting the kids, which is admirable. Hey, it's not their fault their mommy is a fucking blithering selfish bitch idiot. So, if it were my situation, and Mrs. NFB was trying to save our niece from a similar situation, I'd say it's cool if she comes and lives with us, but the parents are old enough to take care of their own shit. Sink or swim fuckers. Taking care of their kids for them is more help than they deserve, but the kids deserve it.

He seemed to mull that one over carefully. It grants his wife the children she's wanted for a time anyway. It gets her to not spend so much time working to save her sister. It distracts her from other problems because kids have a tendency to do that. And he really does love the brats already, so he knows he can handle being around them. He doesn't think there's a lot of downside to that, but he wants to sit on it for a day or two before saying anything to her about it.

Now, the one possible negative, and I pointed this out to him, is that they may LIKE the idea of not having to take care of their kids anymore, and AFKS and wife may have permanently taken on raising some brats. He said that's why he wants to think on it. He's OK with one, but he's not sure he's ready for both of them at the same time.

I tried to tell this story to Mrs. NFB, but she kept interrupting in a rage over being so stupid as to want luxuries when you can't afford a roof over your head. I have a feeling if Mrs. NFB and AFKS's SIL ever end up in the same room together, there will be a major, MAJOR chick-fight. Except, it won't be much of a fight. Mrs. NFB would shred AFKS's SIL in about 0.03 seconds. Plus she has the POWAH of righteous indignation on her side.

I hope something can be done for those kids, but I hope mommy and daddy spiral on down and crash again. And this time without someone there to bail them out. Fuck 'em. They should have learned their lesson by now, but they haven't. And as much as their situation sucks, it's not like they didn't have a choice in the matter. This isn't an "oh no, the economy is screwing me" situation for them. This is them, being fucking idiots, year after year, day after day, pissing money down their legs when they should, by all rights, at least be holding steady. Hell, if either of them had a full-time job on top of his three-months-a-year high payout, they'd be upper-crust instead of middle-class based on income.

ARGH!

And did I mention the tax return? Oh yeah, they set themselves up for a nearly ten thousand dollar tax return because they like the "found money" principle. Yes, they are stupid enough to believe that's found money, instead of money they've stolen from themselves throughout the year. AND they're stupid enough to take the rapid-refund loan. AND they managed to blow-through the seven-thousand or so that left them with in less than two weeks. AND as far as anyone knows, they had absolutely NOTHING to show for it.

They tried to set me up with her years and years ago. So very, very, VERY glad I followed my gut on THAT one. And that my gut churned and said, "NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! RUN!"

I'm sometimes dumb with money. But those two make me feel like I should be giving seminars to people on how to save money.

< God. | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
THE CAREBEARS HAVE INVADED! | 27 comments (27 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
On the bright side by wiredog (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:03:39 AM EST
Lost Boys 2 is coming out this summer. So you've got that to look forward to.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

This sure is gonna be a summer for great movies. by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 2) #5 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:29:50 AM EST
Speed Racer. Indiana Jones and the Social Security Check of Doom, The Hulk Smashes Stupid Critics, Iron Man. Star Wars: The Christmas Special II.

Actually, I take one back: Iron Man looks good enough to eat.

--
Has anybody seen my clue? I know I had it when I came in here.

[ Parent ]
The trailer for Lost Boys Too by wiredog (4.00 / 1) #7 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:34:51 AM EST
is up in the Hole.

"Star Wars: The Christmas Special II." Won't be nearly as much fun now that Leia is off of the blow.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
it's got both corey's by sasquatchan (4.00 / 1) #11 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 07:01:36 AM EST
I mean, damn, how many of my fellow girls growing up lusted after those two.. Time doesn't seem to have treated them too well..

[ Parent ]
And I forgot some. by ObviousTroll (2.00 / 0) #26 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 12:55:04 PM EST
There's that great "Get Smart" movie coming, 10,000 BC, That Jackie Chan/Jet Li movie, and Jack Black's got a movie out but I don't want to know about it.

--
Has anybody seen my clue? I know I had it when I came in here.
[ Parent ]
The cat is currently working on by joh3n (2.00 / 0) #2 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:09:40 AM EST
his CARE BEAR STARE while he does his taxes.

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I just ate about 7 pounds of meat
-theantix

Colouring in? by hulver (4.00 / 1) #3 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:15:02 AM EST
Wow.
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Cheese is not a hat. - clock
Aren't you jealous? by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #4 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:27:57 AM EST
And we wonder why credit card companies need to charge thirty percent interest rates.

[ Parent ]
I thing you should photoshop by ad hoc (4.00 / 1) #6 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:31:53 AM EST
a carebear zombie.
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The three things that make a diamond also make a waffle.
Oh damn. by nightflameblue (4.00 / 1) #8 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:48:25 AM EST
Now there's an idea with merit. I hope she hasn't started coloring them in yet. I need to scan one of them and pull a zombie coloration on it.

[ Parent ]
Just in case by ad hoc (4.00 / 1) #10 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:57:00 AM EST
GIYF

Hmmm, that might be an interesting FC. ZCBFC.
--
The three things that make a diamond also make a waffle.

[ Parent ]
+1 FP by TPD (4.00 / 1) #12 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 07:18:53 AM EST
ZCBFC I'm in!

why sit, when you can sit and swivel with The Ab-SwivellerTM
[ Parent ]
I'm tempted. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #13 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 07:45:45 AM EST
Now to pick the perfect shade of yellow for rotted white fur. . .

[ Parent ]
That'd be a good K5 dupe account. by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #9 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:53:56 AM EST


Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
afks deal with wife by alprazolam (4.00 / 3) #14 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 08:41:32 AM EST
one blowjob, per kid in house thats not ours, per day.

Ah, the sweet sticky currency of marriage by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #15 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 09:01:01 AM EST
That reminds me, Farmgirl will likely need some funding for her eBay habit soon.  What's the exchange rate these days?

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
Great! If you're exporting from USia. by wiredog (4.00 / 2) #17 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 09:36:59 AM EST
Not so good if you're trying to sell to USia. I mean, the pound is about 500 dollars these days, so we really can't afford used cabers anymore. Not the Real Jocklander Cabers, anyway. Cheap Meskin ones, maybe, but the peso's doing well too. Soon we'll be reduced to buying them from Wisconsin.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
Not the pound to dollar by Rogerborg (4.00 / 1) #18 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 09:51:58 AM EST
The pound to, uh... marital currency.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
Oh, well, I wouldn't know. by wiredog (4.00 / 1) #20 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 10:22:26 AM EST
What's 4 grand in pounds these days, anyway? I hear that's what high class tail runs for.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
Let's set our sights a little lower by Rogerborg (4.00 / 1) #23 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 11:00:04 AM EST
How much to get the rollers and towelling bathrobe off?



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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.

[ Parent ]
It's not a very linear scale. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #19 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 09:55:24 AM EST
It can be as simple as 1 marital currency per item purchased, whether that item falls within a lower or higher price bracket. However, if the deal is struck as a "but I REEEEEEEEALLY WANT IT" type, the exchange rate becomes more favorable.

All to be discussed at the time of purchase decision, of course.

[ Parent ]
correct, this is more the case by case bartering by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #21 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 10:43:55 AM EST
system. ie "i want to buy this thing but for some reason i need your ok first"

"oh you want to buy that do you? well, how bad do you want it"

"bad enough to be flirty and offer potentially boring sex?"

"oh that might be enough for a new vacuum cleaner or eyeglasses, but that doesn't cut it for the convertible you want"

"so, anal then?"

"let's go buy you a car!"

[ Parent ]
No comment. by Rogerborg (2.00 / 0) #27 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 04:47:34 PM EST
Nooooo comment.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
NO BLOWJOBS IN HIS HOUSE EVAR! by nightflameblue (4.00 / 2) #16 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 09:16:28 AM EST
I think this information speaks volumes about why they've had so many problems over the years.

[ Parent ]
ahh well then by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #22 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 10:44:42 AM EST
i really have no sympathy for stupid people. can can lie in his own bed. or spend $5k on a mediocre looking hooker...none of my concern.

[ Parent ]
I know you said 'wahwah' by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #24 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 11:07:01 AM EST

But I cannot help but read that as "wah", and then I get lost, thinking just how tedious it would be to work with someone whose brain was that fundamentally broken. Man, I'm glad for you that isn't the case. I would, however, suggest bringing Sennheiser 280s in to work with you for a while.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
Believe me, I've thought about it. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #25 Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 12:27:37 PM EST
The headphones that is. Unfortunately, then the sneaky bastards could wander up behind me and see what I'm (not) doing. And we can't have that, now can we?

[ Parent ]
THE CAREBEARS HAVE INVADED! | 27 comments (27 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback