Print Story Stupid glorious morning.
Diary
By blixco (Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 06:07:17 AM EST) (all tags)
It's getting so a guy can't sleep past 3:00am anymore.


Woke up this morning, like every morning, at 3:00-ish, and stayed awake (some days I can get back to sleep).

Too many long-term problems.  Non-work problems, niggling things that stick and burrow what with no distractions from my solitary track.  Then there's work.  The bizarre behavior of some of the user accounts at work, coupled with the normal load of nonsense at work, coupled with an upcoming change to our network (from a flat 512 host network to a routed network fabric with five user networks and one storage network, two remote sites with one new one on the way, and the usual external services buckling under our 110 percent growth), coupled with...where was I?  Interrupted, is where I was.  And for the good of anyone left reading this.

Thing is, I'm outdated.  My skillset has been cheapened by google.  I'm bitter toward innocence.  I don't like anyone, at the moment.

Last night on the drive home...after a harrowing drive created by what must be an influx of insane asylum escapees...my normal route to the house was blocked by a dozen news vans.  Seems a 5 year old boy was kidnapped some four blocks from my house, snatched directly from the back seat of the SUV, which was apparently backing out to drop the kids at school.  Three white hoodie wearing youths in a gray or silver Jetta took the kid before the mom could react / shoot them.

They found him last night a couple of miles away, wandering around.  His kidnappers, apparently, were seriously freaked by the Amber Alert that went out.  Either that or the kid was packing.  One never knows in my neighborhood, being that the neighbors are pretty well armed.

It was surreal to see myself drive by in the background of the local Fox affiliate 24 hour crisis coverage of the event.  I recognized my empty gaze.  It looks just like this.

I've completely lost interest in my own comings and goings.  My wife seems to derive very little from my existence outside of the utilities (bills, taxes) since she now does her own shopping and food preparation.  She's on a crazy diet, and to her credit it has her complete and total focus.  My own self interest is pathetic at the moment.  Nothing to write here about; I have no cause to whine or complain.  Much to celebrate, you know.  Heck, even this seemingly meaningless life has some sort of joy around it, right? 

We're not all special snowflakes.  I think this may be the greatest single cause of our collective malaise (as a generation or a country or a segment of society): we were brought up being told by our boomer parents that we were special, could achieve anything.  All of our TV, all the fables of our lives...all of it geared to create a bajillion little special fucks. 

Maybe.  Yeah, maybe not.  But I'm certainly no different than, say, that guy who drives the panel truck who always cuts me off at the onramp to Lamar.

You ever wonder where your fulfillment is supposed to come from?  No?  Then you're doing what you need to do, I suppose.  We all find purpose in something.

Or even nothing.

For now I'm marking time.  Maybe next week I'll have a better idea.  Last week seemed pretty good other than the disasters at work.  Heck, maybe the whole sense of long-term is a ridiculous endeavor in the modern age.  When I think about, hey, I've been married for twelve years...it makes my head sort of spin.  We moved to Austin in 1999.  I've been here longer than anywhere outside of Las Cruces.  Las Cruces, which has become a horrible retirement hellhole well on it's way to being the next Phoenix, so there's no sense in lamenting my home. 

Goddamn.  Not sure where that last bit came from.

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Stupid glorious morning. | 30 comments (30 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Could most five year old's handle a gun? by georgeha (4.00 / 3) #1 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 06:11:16 AM EST
I don't know any in Texas, who presumably are much bigger, but the most I expect any five year olds I know of to handle would have been a .22 short, maybe. I'm sensing a Fisher-Price marketing opportunity here.


A .22 short will ruin your whole day by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #16 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 09:51:55 AM EST
at close range. Many derringers are .25 cal.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
I dunno, by blixco (2.00 / 0) #18 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 10:07:12 AM EST
I know of two suicides in the .22 and .25 calibers that resulted in nothing more than massive brain damage.

Wait.

How'd we get on this topic?  Fuck.
---------------------------------
"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin

[ Parent ]
Is it the nightmares? by muchagecko (4.00 / 3) #2 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 06:16:29 AM EST
I'll wake up screaming and in some other part of the apartment, but after my heart stops racing, I can get back to sleep.

Everything will get better once we get through this crappy season. Warm weather and blue skies are just around the corner.

"It means more if you have to earn it, even if it's by doing something as simple as eating a meal." Kellnerin

In some other part of the apartment? by ReverendDoctorGraves (2.00 / 3) #19 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 10:26:13 AM EST
Wow. Tentacle sex nightmare or liberal democrats nightmare?

I can think of very little besides violent psychotic clown buttsecks that could match the horror of either of those things. Unless...both. OMG Democrats with tentacles! My REM cycles are fucked until I administer mental bleach. Why do I do this?

[ Parent ]
NFIRL by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #21 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 12:34:13 PM EST
Not Funnay In Real Life.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
eehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh by ReverendDoctorGraves (4.00 / 1) #23 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 01:33:03 PM EST
Clown buttsex...wig...big shoes...honky-nose, you know the type. Ronny Mc-Dee and the fry kids? Not fake enough? Ehhhhhhh. Hmmm. I don't need to know why this nonsensical humor seems to elude the two of you. I can specualte it may have something to do with too many drinks and a happy meal that was way too happy. Or buttrape. Either way. I'll just sit back real quiet-like now and allow you time to unclench before my next funny. M-kay?

[ Parent ]
I'm a special snowflake! by ad hoc (4.00 / 3) #3 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 06:21:51 AM EST
I'm the one that's been plowed to the curb and is slowly compacting and melting into an unrecognizable black sludge.
--
The three things that make a diamond also make a waffle.
This will be sigged, when I get home. by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #10 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 08:23:13 AM EST


[ Parent ]
If you're waking up from nightmares . . . by slozo (4.00 / 1) #4 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 06:34:34 AM EST
. . . or finding yourself in one, there's only one solution: Find a new dream.

Dreams cost money! So I have to become a C*O first by greyrat (4.00 / 1) #6 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 06:40:03 AM EST


[ Parent ]
Allergies. by blixco (2.00 / 0) #11 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 08:30:58 AM EST
Just allergies.
---------------------------------
"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
So slozo enters the cubicle area . . . by slozo (4.00 / 1) #14 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 08:45:22 AM EST
. . . and sees Blixco sitting in the chair, slumped over, head in hands. He appears to be sobbing.
"Hey . . . what's up, Blix? You ok man?"
Blixco starts, and rubs his eyes, replying, "No, no worries, it's just the . . . the allergies. Dust, y'know? Sensitive eyes, kills me every time."

Later, by the watercooler, slozo see Blixco, back turned to him, and seems to hear a sniffling.
"Umm . . . something wrong, dude?"
"Oh - uh, no, everything's fine," Blixco says as he turns around with tissue in hand. "Just this bloody cold that won't go away - I think it's allergies."

Next morning, Blixco looks like hell as he passes by the crew - bleary eyed, dark circles, messed up hair. He looks like he hasn't slept in years.
"Hey Blix, you o . . . um, allergies?"
"Yeah man . . . allergies. Fuckin' allergies."

[ Parent ]
I am lmao, by blixco (4.00 / 1) #15 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 09:08:56 AM EST
and I love you.
---------------------------------
"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
+1 - FP. Nice entry. Being there. Doing that. by greyrat (4.00 / 2) #5 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 06:37:57 AM EST
Like reading Breakfast of Champions, it makes me seriously reconsider slitting my belly open. And I'll leave that open to both interpretations. Because I'm a prick that way.

It looks just like this. by rizzo (4.00 / 1) #7 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 06:41:28 AM EST
Too many long-term problems. Non-work problems, niggling things that stick and burrow what with no distractions from my solitary track. Then there's work.

I should invent a new and interesting way to give more pseudo-intellectual gravitas to the tired old "man, I hear ya," but since I haven't yet, um... Man, I hear ya.

I'm having easily the most angina-tastic month EVAR at work. It's like I'm playing soccer by myself with a giant boulder.

All in due time. In the meantime, take Coop's advice from Twin Peaks and give yourself... a little present... each day. Even if it's just a jelly donut, or to stand in rapture of the phrase "balsam fir". Anything... really, you seem sorely in need of a little satori moment or two.

And congratulations for surviving the ride home last night...
--

Ah, introspection, our oldest foe by Rogerborg (4.00 / 8) #8 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 07:11:29 AM EST
Fulfilment lies in the simple purity of action and reaction.  Be like the striking viper, the gyring falcon, or the blogging liberal.  Qualifiers bring only self doubt.  Flect and gruntle your way to enlightenment.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
This is why you do medeval battle, by greyrat (4.00 / 4) #9 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 07:15:21 AM EST
and why I raced. But now the only practical this to do is rob banks.


[ Parent ]
rogerborg, by alprazolam (4.00 / 2) #12 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 08:38:36 AM EST
its really great to have you back.

as for blixco, i have a simultaneous fear of getting older, disappointment for wasting my youth, and...anger, i suppose, that i can't find something useful to do with my life. a constant feeling that i've let everybody down.

[ Parent ]
French. Foreign. Legion. by Rogerborg (4.00 / 6) #13 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 08:44:04 AM EST
You get to shoot people under an assumed name, plus you march reaaaally slowly.  What's not to like?

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
Indeed. by blixco (2.00 / 0) #29 Sat Feb 09, 2008 at 06:03:16 AM EST
This is just a side effect of the debilitating nostalgia addiction that I've battled since I had a memory.

It comes and goes.  Takes days like this to remind other days how not to behave.
---------------------------------
"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin

[ Parent ]
I'm outdated. by wiredog (4.00 / 2) #17 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 09:55:32 AM EST
Nice thing about being a programmer is that while languages change, and even names of paradigms, the underlying paradigms don't. Not really, anyway. Functional, object oriented, design patterns. Whatever. A loop is a loop. Threads are threads. All same same.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

Just because by me0w (4.00 / 2) #20 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 12:33:01 PM EST
So I learnt this crazy cool technique today that allows the body to self correct with just minimal pressure from the therapists hands. And when you let go just enough you can feel the other person's rhythms.

Just thought I'd share since no one in my real world seemed to care.


"the only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."

Do you travel. by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #22 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 01:29:01 PM EST
Because that sounds really really cool.

--
Click
[ Parent ]
I wanna hear about it. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 2) #24 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 01:45:46 PM EST
write it up, homie.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
Cool. by blixco (4.00 / 1) #26 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 04:20:12 PM EST
I sort of miss the scary massage therapy I used to get.  Deep tissue stuff that hurt like a mofo, but left me feeling better than I'd felt since the previous time I'd had it done.
---------------------------------
"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
I need a good massage therapist. by toxicfur (2.00 / 0) #27 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 04:34:26 PM EST
And I want one with your training. Want to visit Boston? We have a spare bedroom. :)
-----
If you don't get a Bonnie, my universe will not make sense. --blixco
[ Parent ]
Well ... by me0w (4.00 / 1) #30 Sun Feb 10, 2008 at 05:34:48 AM EST
I do have a portable table and a car .... :)


"the only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."

[ Parent ]
Now that's more like it. by bruno (4.00 / 1) #25 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 04:02:47 PM EST
I was able to escape and live vicariously through your random tangent for a good ten minutes.  Way to go, bro!

Good diary. by Pasofol (4.00 / 1) #28 Fri Feb 08, 2008 at 04:58:00 PM EST
Been out of touch reading your things.

Stupid glorious morning. | 30 comments (30 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback