It has been great while you have been away. You have collectively inflicted more shit on the world than any other organisation since Mills had a drink with Boon and bet him they couldn't become rich by founding the worst publishing house ever. The only people who have missed you are idiots. Please go back on strike. Surely a bunch of 'creatives' like you can find a reason.

Sincerely etc...

Dear Barack Obama,

You are clearly the greatest orator of your generation or possibly any generation. Perhaps because of this, you scare the living crap out of me. In the end I cannot trust you because you are still a politician.

You do know who else was a great orator, don't you.

Cheers etc...

Dear Hillary Clinton,

For fuck's sake. The Republicans could elect a boll weevil as their candidate and it would still beat you. Is this not obvious? What are you thinking? I mean really. Christ.

Best...

Dear My Penis,

No I am not going to go and fuck that cute twenty something girl. She has the vocabulary of a peanut. It wouldn't go anywhere. I know she is really into me but I would just end up hurting her really badly. Will you please shut the fuck up about it now. I am getting bored with this.

Regards...

Dear Alcohol,

Look. Will you make your fucking mind up. Either kill me or not. What is with this ridiculous delay. According to current medical opinion I ought to have died about three years ago given my recent intake. You are rubbish. Please send my regards to your brother Marijuana. I miss him, even though we have not been on speaking terms for some time, as he makes me too depressed and I cannot function. Also I hate you.

See you tomorrow night as usual.

Best wishes...

Dear Zionists,

If the Jews have a right to national self-determination, so do the Palestinians. What is so fucking hard about understanding this? Also, I no longer believe your story about 1948. I think you have been lying to me. This will have consequences. I remain a disciple of Ahad Ha-am and HaShomer HaTzair's pre-1948 bi-national state platform. I am aware that this is ridiculous, but so are most of you. Your 'Zionism is not racism' shtick would go a lot further if you did not accompany it with actual racism. Please to rectify. Ta.

Lehitraot...

Dear Anti-Zionists,

Sure, the Bundists had a point. But they died. And you are not writing in Yiddish any more, are you? How about coming into the tent and pissing out instead of standing outside pissing in for a change. Abandoning Zionism to the right wing racists has worked out really well for all of us, including the Palestinians you claim to care so much about, hasn't it. In the end you need to sort out the difference between Realpolitik and those issues you still have with your father.

Gesundheit...

Dear Gordon Brown,

If you wear one more blue tie at Prime Minister's Question Time I swear to God I will strangle you with it. You are taunting me and everyone else on the left who from time to time entertains fantasies of holding their nose and voting Labour again some day, despite your obviously Tory nanny-statism. I swear to God I will start defining the Greens as a proper political party soon. I am not the only one. Seriously. You are on notice.

Faithfully...

Dear Wikipedia,

Fucking sort it out. You morons.

Thanks...

Dear Women,

I am aware that your smile is a gift worth more than gold. However, when I am busking on the Underground, quite frankly I could not give a fuck about that. I am doing it for the money. 50p will do. You probably have that in your pocket. A quid if you can spare it. Your loveliest smile, accompanied by walking by without putting your hand in your pocket is a little thing I like to call a 'mixed message'. How about giving me a coin and not smiling instead? It so happens I would prefer that. Call me a weirdo if you like. I'm just saying.

Yours ever...

Dear Internet,

It is true. You are making me stupid. I no longer read books. Not as much anyway. Please give me my brain back. In return I promise not to bother you any more.

Respectfully...