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By Gedvondur (Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 08:26:33 AM EST) Twilight, IG, VD (all tags)
My wife wanted to see the movie Twilight.  She has read all of the books and wanted to see it.  In a moment of weakness, I agreed.  We went to a matinee.


There will be spoilers, but unless you are a tween girl, I don't know why you would care.


First, the theater is full of tween girls.  This is NEVER a good sign.  We get some popcorn and some soda before taking our seats.  I settle in for the long haul, sensing this was a mistake.


I am intreiged by the preview for The Spirit.  And disappointed that they don't show the new trailer for Star Trek.  Dammit.


So the movie starts.  The protagonist, who's name I haven't bothered to remember, is living in Phoenix.  I'll call her Idiot Girl or IG for short.  She has to move in with her father, because her mother is going to follow her new husband around, as he is a minor league baseball player.  She's got GREAT maternal instincts.  Took the girl out of high school mid-year and sent her a thousand miles away to her father while she presumably bangs the new husband and the rest of a minor league baseball team.  Awesome.

So IG goes to some stupid town is Washington state called Hook, or Bong or something.  Some kind of tool.  I'm not sure of the name, so I will call it Bong.  So supposedly Bong is the rainiest city in all of the land, shrowded in perpetual fog and gloomy all the time.  After Phoenix, this must have been AWESOME.  This brings is to the weather in this movie.  To say its not consistent is a gross understatement. At one point in the movie IG slips and falls in her own front yard on rain-slicked ice.  Yet we see her cudding in green fields later.  And her friends are surfing at the Duck or some stupid name they gave the beach.  Pick a season and stick with it, assholes.

So, IG meets up with her father, whom she treats......cooly.  Not mean, but not exactly happy to see him.  Her dad is the local cop and drinks a shit-ton of the local beer swill out of 16oz king cans.  Cop-Dad is probably the only reasonable and decent person in the entire movie.  He buys her an old but reliable pickup truck (which IG instantly learns how to drive stick by just being told "the clutch is on the left.....right.) and then later puts new tires on it.  He doesn't give her a curfew, never asks her where she's been and generally lets her do what she pleases while keeping an eye on her from a distance over the top of a giant can of beer.  But all in all, he's the most believable character in the whole movie. 

So IG goes to her new school. We then get to endure the whole "Gee, going to a new school mid-year is REALLY HARD! I have to make new friends!  Some of the kids here are dicks!  Woe is me!" thing.  Lovely.  She hooks up with a group that includes an androginous token Asian dude, a token black dude, and some other pathetic boys and girls to whom IG dispenses wisdom.  If only those little friends knew just how emtpy IG's head was, they would cease listening to her.

So IG goes to chemistry class, and this boy is there.  As soon as he smells her, (she conviently stands in front of a fan, inexplicably running in the Bio classroom, but since the seasons change with story need, why not) he freaks out.  She sits next to him and he leaves all upset and doesn't come back for days.  When he does, he's more or less nice to her.  Considering what a spectacular dick he had been the first day, I have no idea why Idiot Girl even considers talking to him.  But it wouldn't have been much of a story then, I guess.  

So things progress, and the guy, I'll call him VD, for Vampire Dude, saves her from a van skidding in the school parking lot.  Why, we don't know.  Maybe there was rain and ice?  Maybe not. But Mr. VD is certainly super fast, super strong,and to IG, super hot!    IG notices that neither VD nor his brothers and sisters ever come to school when its sun-shiny out.  They talk and talk and talk, him telling her time and again to stay away from him and just let the whole thing drop.  But no.  IG wouldn't be IG if she did anything sensible.  She eventually does some fucking Google searches and gets a book that more or less tells her that he's a vampire.  Lovely.

IG confronts VD.  VD admits he's a vampire and tells her he's a killer and that she should go away and stay away from him for her own saftey, as her blood "smells more delicious than any other person he has known"  Right.  Anybody with a fucking OUNCE of sense would have taken a powder and GTFO.  But not IG.  No, he gets her to admit that his whole family is vampires, but they are "vegitarians" eating only animal blood.  That stupid bitch even agrees to go to their HOUSE and meet them.  Clearly IG has never watched ANY vampire movie or television show.  Or even gotten out Stoker. 

Side note:  The guy who plays VD, that Ashton Kutcher looking mother fucker, is what is considered handsome by girls these days?  Jesus.  It really is the 70s all over again.

So because I am getting bored even recounting this, the vampire family is all nicey nice to her, and then they go play baseball in a thunderstrom.  Don't ask.  Its stupid and you will regret it.  During this little "happy vampire family" scene, they meet other vampires.  The meat-eating variety.  They act all nice then they want to eat IG.  Cause she smells all delicious to vampires remember?  So Mr. Bad Guy Vampire, a "hunter" is gonna kill her and whatever.  The family protects IG, why I'm not sure.  Clearly she's a fucking liability and brain damaged to boot.  She smells to good even the vegitarians want to eat her.  

There is a whole tedious and hard to believe chase scene that ends back in Phoenix for the flimsiest of reasons.  There is an epic battle between BGV and VD.  Of course, VD wins.  Some other pointless shit happens, VD agrees to stay with IG, who after all that fucking bullshit STILL wants to hang with VD.  Even though VD can barely keep himself from ripping her throat out ever time they even fucking kiss. 

At the end of the movie the tweens all sigh, get misty eyed and happy that IG and VD are together now.  I imagine that they then go home and dream lustily about VD.

Me, I went home, had a beer and tried to get two hours of my life back.






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A Review: Twilight | 20 comments (20 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
thank you for this valuable resource by dr k (4.00 / 1) #1 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 08:35:55 AM EST
When this movie is available on demand in about 3 months I'll be able to fast-forward to the stupid moments.

:| :| :| :| :|

my near-Twilight encounter ... by BlueOregon (4.00 / 1) #2 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 10:11:02 AM EST

A colleague of mine in the department is reading one of the books in that series. I don't know which. Another colleague informed that it was indeed his, not one that she loaned to him (she's on the waiting list at the Madison Public Library for it ... go figure).

2nd colleague -- D -- and I went to Quantum of Solace Friday afternoon. Both really enjoyed it.

Anyway.

As we arrived a gaggle of preteen and teen girls showed up. We knew what they were there for -- before heading inside they flocked straight to the Twilight poster outside the cinema. The place was busy for a Friday afternoon, with 80-90% of the people there young-ish girls and their guardians/custodians/whatever lining up for that movie.

QoS had a decent crowd, too -- the theater was perhaps 5% full. We got shown the Will Smith "7 Pounds" trailer twice. The rest of the trailers were underwhelming. We got one for 2012 ... we weren't the only ones in the audience who laughed. Not a good sign for such a movie.

And when the movie was over and we walked out an even larger crowd of preteen and early-teen girls were there for the next showing. They're everywhere.

Then Saturday afternoon during the football games I found myself switching back and forth to Fox for an utter guilty pleasure -- they were showing the 1998 version of The Parent Trap. Not quite the 1961 version, mind you, but I still found it hard to click away.

My wife by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #5 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 10:33:23 AM EST
My wife has a Masters in Creative Writing told me that the writing in the books is terrible, yet totally mesmerizing due to characterization.  I have not read them myself.

I am going to wait for video for Quantum of Solace.  I like Bond movies, but not enough to pay the theater price.


Gedvondur

"I love my brain. It's the only organ I can afford to lose." --frijolito
[ Parent ]
I've got to say by dark nowhere (4.00 / 1) #12 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 12:21:20 PM EST
characterization is appealing. As a reader: If the writing is bad just in terms of content, then it can be forgiven, to an extent. If it's something else... well, it's awful hard to abide.

Also, it has to be said: you paid see this in the theater but somehow won't do it for Bond?

Chill out, snowflake.

[ Parent ]
Heh by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #15 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 01:21:20 PM EST
I paid to see this in the theater to indulge my wife.  I almost never go and see the movies she wants to see.  And I won't force her to see something I want to see like Bond.

She had a hard week, and I wanted to do something nice for her. 

I agree about characterization.  The chick that wrote all of this Twilight stuff has like three or four books on the NYT best sellers list.  My wife's problems with the story have to do with plot, pacing and the like.  Being a professional writer and highly trained in the craft, she sees problems I wouldn't even think of.


Gedvondur

"I love my brain. It's the only organ I can afford to lose." --frijolito
[ Parent ]
Great writing about un-engaging people by ObviousTroll (2.00 / 0) #16 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 02:13:08 PM EST
is awfully boring.

I forget what writer said it (James Blish? Updike? who knows) but when he was asked what makes a great novel his answer was "story. story. story." - and I would say that great characters are the most important part of a great story.


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[ Parent ]
That's not a review. by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 2) #3 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 10:13:55 AM EST
It's a Cliff Notes study guide.

I took my tween daughter to see it, Friday, Lamb laughed, cried, was totally mesmerized. The only point that was vaguely interesting to me was watching the vampire chick pitch.


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I have to agree by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #7 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 10:46:22 AM EST
The pitching thing was pretty cool.  But since most major league games happen out in the bright sun-shine, probably not a career for the budding vampire.


Gedvondur

"I love my brain. It's the only organ I can afford to lose." --frijolito
[ Parent ]
more night games these days by gzt (4.00 / 1) #10 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 11:53:47 AM EST
still, quite a few day games, but there are more night games.

[ Parent ]
Oh, it wasn't the game I found interesting. by ObviousTroll (2.00 / 0) #17 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 02:14:26 PM EST
I just thought she looked completely... edible... in her uniform.


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WIPO: by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 2) #4 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 10:19:03 AM EST
Better than watching yet another version of Pride and Prejudice with SWHTL. Again.


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VD always wins HIV on the other hand by cam (4.00 / 1) #6 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 10:33:34 AM EST
apparently the woman that writes it lives in Cave Creek just north of Phoenix.

cam 
Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic
hehe by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 3) #8 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 10:55:28 AM EST
the phrase "dream lustily about VD" made me giggle.

---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
But about the beer. by ni (4.00 / 1) #9 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 11:14:56 AM EST
More about the beer, please.


"These days it seems like sometimes dreams of Italian hyper-gonadism are all a man's got to keep him going." -- CRwM
Beers by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #11 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 11:59:43 AM EST
Rogue Mocha Porter, a Young's Luxury Double Chocolate Stout, and a Magic Hat Jinx. 

All good beers, I like the Young's a lot, but it is a bit of a "treat" beer.  The Magic Hat Jinx is very good, but I can hardly ever get it. 


The Rogue Mocha Porter is a good beer....but I'm very so-so about porters.  Some of them are truly horrible.

For homebrew:

On tap right now:  Belgian Saison, and Oktoberfest Lager

In fermentation:  Christmas Spice beer, Prestidigitation (beer made from leftover hops, malt and yeast we had laying around) and a Belgian Triple.

Planned:  A strong ale and I think perhaps a stout.


Gedvondur

"I love my brain. It's the only organ I can afford to lose." --frijolito
[ Parent ]
One good thing about Twilight by lm (4.00 / 1) #13 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 12:21:40 PM EST
It gives me a great reason to mock my teenaged daughter.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
I got out of seeing Twilight by yankeehack (4.00 / 1) #14 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 12:58:49 PM EST
as my daughter's best friend had already seen it on Friday and so they weren't going to see it again on Saturday.

But, yeah, LO isn't into "older" guys... yet.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB

The place is called Forks. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #18 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 04:11:26 PM EST
Yes, it is shrouded in perpetual fog and gloomy all the time. I'll go next weekend and post a pic of me at the city limits so you can see how gloomy we are collectively.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

It was full of FROMAGE!! by me0w (4.00 / 1) #19 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 04:19:08 PM EST
That made it great! Cheesy vampire movies are the best movie genre EVAR!

"the only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."
If it isn't Monster: The Adjective or Near Dark... by atreides (4.00 / 1) #20 Sun Nov 23, 2008 at 05:07:40 PM EST
...it isn't for me.

He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.

A Review: Twilight | 20 comments (20 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback