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By blixco (Mon Nov 10, 2008 at 01:42:28 PM EST) (all tags)
I fear I have nothing to give.


I spent about twenty minutes yesterday in the evening just meditating, for lack of a better term.  Sat on the deck next to the house, and stared, breathing.

It was a nice evening. The temperature has been higher than it should be this whole year. A dry year, with only a handful of rainstorms since May. The plants have suffered badly, dry and dead now, but our banana tree gave us three bunches of bananas.  I need to make banana bread.

I sat on the deck and stared loosely at the fenceline which was inches above the setting sun.  The sky in Texas, normally a milky white in these parts, was blue and drastic, clouds bottom lit with orange red that you could almost, but not quite, hear crackling with the death of the day. The breeze was up, and we have this bamboo wind chime that is distinctly not obnoxious, has weathered some severe storms, and sounds just enough like a chime to remind you to listen closer.

Kids and cars going by, both with the same level of noise and intensity.  Today was an adminstration day at the schools in Austin, but Pflugerville (the school district I live in, which is also the town I live just south of) was still in session so the kids were extending their Sunday evening as deep into the night as they could get away with, yelling back to their parents that they just wanted a few more minutes, yelling it back in pleading voices, in two languages, a mix of sadness and anticipation unique to children that age.

I sat trying to find a story.  Queued them into their normal slots: stories I can't tell, stories I can but won't because they're boring, stories that I wouldn't tell anyone anyway, stories too close, stories too far away, stuff that was more fiction than not, and stuff that was more not than anything.

I'm trying to breathe slowly and notice the everything around me.  I'd like to have more time and I'd like to care less about what I do because what I do is just a thing, is not who I am, but what I do is so much noise and so much payoff and so very intimidating. The problems I solve and create are infinitely better than the mundane things I imagined myself being.  Though the bulk of my day is understaffed support of underwhelming issues, I have the daily brilliant exposure to the sorts of people who make the world what it is, doing it one math problem or one bullet at a time.

Those are two very different approaches.

I've been all bullets to now.
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Let me be clear. | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I want to sit on your deck and hang out. by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #1 Mon Nov 10, 2008 at 02:04:49 PM EST
It sounds lovely. And I need to find my stories. In a relaxed fashion. Not the normal one. Where I'm trying so hard to justify myself. Hey, I'm doing OK.

fear by clover kicker (4.00 / 1) #2 Mon Nov 10, 2008 at 03:03:31 PM EST
<pre> But I fear I have nothing to give I have so much to lose here in this lonely place tangled up in your embrace There's nothing I'd like better than to fall But I fear I have nothing to give.... </pre>

stupid fancy comment editor -nt- by clover kicker (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Nov 10, 2008 at 03:06:13 PM EST


[ Parent ]
It's funny by blixco (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Nov 10, 2008 at 04:16:57 PM EST
because that is precisely the tune I had in mind.

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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
Were we in person by iGrrrl (4.00 / 2) #5 Mon Nov 10, 2008 at 07:15:56 PM EST
 ...I would deliver a dope slap.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

Honey-glazed bananas. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #6 Tue Nov 11, 2008 at 03:46:11 AM EST
You know what to do.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Aahhhh by littlestar (4.00 / 1) #7 Tue Nov 11, 2008 at 04:40:21 AM EST
I dream of sitting on back porch and taking it all in. Enjoy that!

*twinkle*twinkle*


I had to make a conscious effort by blixco (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Nov 11, 2008 at 05:10:53 AM EST
to do so, scheduling it in between chores.

More than worth it, though.

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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
Nothing to give? by Merekat (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Nov 11, 2008 at 05:45:05 AM EST
Probably time to take for a bit then.


sounds like you need some Tai Chi by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #10 Tue Nov 11, 2008 at 05:48:11 PM EST
2 years of Tai Chi really opened my mind to a lot of stuff I never realized before.  maybe it would help you.

Ahhhh yes... by bruno (4.00 / 1) #11 Thu Nov 13, 2008 at 05:56:04 PM EST
I long for the day we're both retired, old, gray and toothless, sitting around on your porch, drinking heavily and telling stories to each other.

I love you, honey.

Let me be clear. | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback