Print Story Anything but that.
By nightflameblue (Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:13:29 AM EST) (all tags)

It's official. We've just jumped the shark.

We have a "Life Advocate."

For those who don't know what a "Life Advocate" is, it's someone who comes around and goes all Richard Simmons on your ass, pumping you up, telling you how awesome you are, and how you can do anything you put your mind to. Technically, they're saying our "Life Advocate" will be able to help us work through really difficult life decisions like whether or not we add cheese to our burgers and whether we use conditioner or just shampoo, but let's be honest: you got a title as corny as "Life Advocate?" You're going to be really, REALLY difficult to tolerate.

Also, when a company hires a "Life Advocate" in any capacity, it's a sure sign that your HR department has outlived its usefulness. The only cure for such idiocy is a quick shot to the back of the head. Wipe the slate clean and start over. You'll be better off in the end.

It's too bad really, because I kind of like a couple of our HR people as people. But as workers, they're all just a little too touchy-feely, feel good about work, we're a big warm, loving family oriented for me. And while I realize that's HR's job, they've done it too well and now they need to be redundancized.

If there's anything I've learned in the business world it's that you don't do your job well. The better you do, the likelyhood you do something ridiculously stupid increases to the point where, you're gonna go overboard.

HR just crossed that line.

< Almost, but not quite exactly... | I saw two people in double-breasted suits >
Anything but that. | 15 comments (15 topical, 0 hidden)
Your task by Phil the Canuck (4.00 / 5) #1 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:18:10 AM EST
Break them.  You're not done until the Life Advocate is curled up in the fetal position in a corner.

Already on it. by nightflameblue (4.00 / 1) #5 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:30:11 AM EST
I'm considering visiting them with Dad, just to put it over the top. Bonus points for making them vomit before they curl into the fetal position.

[ Parent ]
you fail it by webwench (4.00 / 0) #2 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:22:49 AM EST
The position of 'Life Advocate' has to be the easiest ride ever. You should attempt to maneuver yourself into a position to usurp the contract. Profit!

Getting more attention than you since 1998. Ya ya!

That's not HR's job by ad hoc (4.00 / 2) #3 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:23:13 AM EST
HR's job is to administer your benefits and make sure the company is complying with labor laws. All else is makework or a hobby.

The three things that make a diamond also make a waffle.
That's why. . . by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #4 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:29:31 AM EST
this is one of the signs that HR has outgrown their own usefulness. Our HR department grows by leaps and bounds every year. Once they get to the point where they have to go LOOKING for things to do, you end up with shit like the touchy-feeling meetings and the position of "Life Advocate."

[ Parent ]
Sadly, by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #6 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:30:57 AM EST
Life advocate? by Merekat (4.00 / 6) #7 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:32:21 AM EST
Your company morale is so bad, people have to be dissuaded from suicide on a daily basis?

No, not really. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #8 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 06:38:33 AM EST
That type of thing would be ignored. This is more, "make sure everybody loves everybody else" crap. The type of thing that MAKES everyone want to commit suicide.

[ Parent ]
daily? by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #15 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 02:05:10 PM EST
hell we're down to hourly, every 30 minutes on Mondays

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Life Advocate is my natural enemy, by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #9 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 07:30:43 AM EST

as I am an active Death Advocate. If we have those here, I have yet to track them down, but once I do, we won't have them here any more.

You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
Man. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 07:36:22 AM EST
I totally need to get you here for a day. I doubt it would take the hole day either, just an hour or so. Not to kill them, to make them cry like little bitches. I mean, I'm working on it, but you could do it with the snap of a neck finger. And likely with more style.

[ Parent ]
Do you remember those CHOOSE LIFE by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #11 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 07:55:35 AM EST
tee shirts, that mid 80's trend where you wore shirts with large letters on them?

I made a CHOOSE DEATH shirt for Halloween, suprisingly, wearing it on Halloween upset people.

[ Parent ]
Metalz. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #12 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 08:31:34 AM EST
Sounds like something I would have done, if I had any ambition at the time.

[ Parent ]
CHOOSE LIFE by Merekat (4.00 / 1) #13 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 09:05:17 AM EST
Always Trainspotting.

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Just tell the Life Advocate by jayhawk88 (2.00 / 0) #14 Wed Oct 01, 2008 at 09:07:11 AM EST
That you took DiSC training and scored as an I-C. That will keep him/her off your back for at least a week while they figure out how to deal with you.

Anything but that. | 15 comments (15 topical, 0 hidden)