this is the first week without live-in help and we're doing rather well.  i say "we" as though i were around all day long but stacky seems to be holding up quite well.  not that i expected anything different.  she seems to be having a good time with it thus far.  it feels so good to see her so happy.  could anyone have ever loved a baby as much as she loves our boy?  i'm not sure.  it's a beautiful look on her and it makes me smile. 

this morning when i left she had him napping next to her in bed.  she was holding his hand, it helps him stop fussing.  they both looked so completely at peace.  i kissed her on the cheek and rubbed his back.  they both moved a little but neither woke.  in the pale blue glow of the nightlight i took a deep breath, set my jaw and headed out to the car.  it was hard.  it's hard every day.  if it ever stops being hard i will know i've lost my way.

my complaints are few.  none of them out of tolerance.  i'm not as tired as i thought i'd be.  stacky decided that since i had to go back to work, she'd handle the pre-feeding diapers at midnight and 5 am.  she's really too good for me.  i could probably use a nap, but that's more work-related than anything else.  i have noticed that work isn't as stressful as it was pre-baby.  the three weeks off gave me back some of the perspective i'd lost.  as a result i'm more relaxed and am handling things better professionally and mentally.  remember kids, a timeout is a necessity...not just a good idea.

we went to dinner with my dad tuesday night.  it was his birthday.  he didn't really care where we went as long as he got to go with his grandson.  we went to TGIRubyAppleChiliBennigan's as we thought that it would be a good place to have a screaming baby (though he'd never freaked out in a restaurant before).  he did freak out.  7pm to 10pm is the "class 5 fuss" zone.  he screams and cries and kicks for a long stretch and then stops.  i'm going to chalk it up to being his workout.  we've come to grips with it and now we don't expend as much effort walking him around or bouncing him or looking for symptoms.  we know he's not hungry.  we know he's not rolling around in his own filth.  he doesn't need to burp.  he just wants to scream.  and who can blame him?  if i were smarter i'd join him.

anyway, he fussed us through dinner and we went back to my dad's place.  there was a fleeting and very touching moment when my dad was playing with him and the dude gave him a smile.  not a gas-induced thing, but an honest smile.  my dad told him quietly that it was the best birthday present he could ask for.  good stuff.  really good stuff.

i'm hoping to sneak in some studio time this weekend.  as is always the case i'm the most inspired and full of good ideas when i have the least time.  i'm lucky to have my lunch break to do some sketching, but what i really need is a solid block of about 90 - 120 minutes.  but maybe, if i'm lucky, i can put stacky and the dude down for a nap saturday or just work after they've gone to sleep.  i guess we'll see about that.  in any case, i'm adaptable.  i'll find a way.  it's what i do.