Print Story Losing Your Voice,
Diary
By blixco (Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 11:01:56 AM EST) (all tags)
Losing Your Religion.


Let's See Just How Pretentious I Can Get.

In that at one point, I believe that I really did have a voice, an actual artistic voice.  I would sit and the words would pour out of me, and sometimes I found a rhythm and a nature to them that made every bit of sense, and sometimes it was senseless but syllabic poetry.  I really believe that.

Maybe that's not the case, in reality.  Since then, though, I have lost a lot of my capability as a writer.  I'm out of practice with it.  My stories hang half-formed in space, I get bored, they stop writing themselves, the world takes over and my interrupt-driven life finds something quicker to latch on to.

I don't feel it anymore.  I used to find it like I used to find it making music, or with sex, or with driving a goddamn car, or with escapism of any of a million types.  Hrm.  Desensitized, maybe?  Too much escape, with no real cause?

Because now I can't outrun the pace I live.  I can't get out of bounds.

Just now, in fact, I was given a set of tasks that completely derailed my thinking.  Where was I?

What a perfect ending that would be to this.  Where was I?  I was on things: drugs, drink, pain, corporate fraud, high on the falsely justified anger that comes with fooling yourself into victim status.  Man, could I catch fire at the right set of words, at the right set of circumstances.  The right Radiohead song coupled with a decent morning buzz.  The right haze-filtered rising sun, that blood-red south Texas sky that only makes sense if you see it, and it's only here and parts of Africa.

I started a process, though, many years ago, probably wrote about it many times, a process to eradicate my egotistical nature, remove the I I I Me Me Me, You Are Interested In Me Because I am Me.  See, it's tough to be in the same room as someone like that.  I hate that kind of person.  So I started striving to remove it from my language and my actions, remove that decayed thought.

I also stopped smoking pot a couple of years ago, and I stopped drinking myself to passing-out stage every night (stopped that a long while before the pain meds), and I stopped being in pain, so I stopped the pain meds, stopped the anti-depressants (prescribed when I was in dire pain, to help with my attitude), and now I have the following vices:

Spicy food.  Food in general.  Driving very aggressively.  Maybe alcohol, but only because there's not much else.

The job changed.  Laurea got her PhD.  We're in a house now, in a medium-grade neighborhood.  We have two dogs, two cars, and a motorcycle.  And a hedgehog.

And I have a growing sense that the older I get, the less I am inclined to trust my past choices.  Probably just a mid-life thing, maybe it's full-blown depression, who knows?  But the short of it is, I no longer feel that fuel.

I can't write.  I know it.  You probably picked up on it.  For me, reading my old stuff and my new stuff (the high-minded nonsense that I keep offline versus the high-minded stuff I kept online at places like k5) it's a sort of bizarre Algernon situation.

In my dreams, I bled out.  I finally purged those demons (save one, and that one stays put).  I made my voice ragged in this wind, made myself foolish in front of many thoughtful people, and finally now I'm sort of embarrassed, walking away from it.

Sort of.  I don't really know, but I think the gist of it is: I wish I could write like I used to write, live like I used to live, and hurt like I used to hurt. Feel it in my bones.  Have the phrases jump out of me rattling my jaw. Because the upside was extraordinary, that mindless timeless groove, that honey sweet river that I'd sink into, make the words make sense, find my rhythms.

Maybe I can still, I really don't know.  You may know more, older or younger than I am maybe you have some insight into my fatal thinking.

It is telling, though, that most of my longest most thought out bits here at HuSi have been along these lines, along the lines of what I lost and where, and how I'll try to write, try to find my voice.  But it came by accident, and now is gone.

< Insert Interesting Title Here | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
Losing Your Voice, | 28 comments (28 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
i used to be able to write by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 3) #1 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 11:08:59 AM EST
then i stopped being so depressed. i can't get my brain to settle down long enough to be creative. i suppose its a matter of retraining it, but i think everything i've written recently is crap, so i've mostly stopped trying. and i feel the loss.
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if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
well...you can't by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #2 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 11:36:22 AM EST
you still write fine. you can't go back though, no matter how much you'd like to. so all you can do is write with less teenage angst and more tempered vision.

You just need a personal injustice by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 11:43:27 AM EST
You're too middle class.  I'm working out having gotten fired for my diary.  We'll see where that leads me.




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
eeple! by ana (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 11:46:33 AM EST
Say it ain't so, Joe.

Power up your flaming yo-yos already! --StackyMcRacky

[ Parent ]
'tis true by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #9 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 12:25:30 PM EST
I was outted.  I was written up two weeks ago and that has been changed to terminated.  Amazingly there's  lots about offshoring that I  talk about.  Now I don't have to worry about getting fired.




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
Fired? by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 11:55:04 AM EST
That sucks, though IIRC you had some misgivings about work.


[ Parent ]
Yep by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #10 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 12:28:45 PM EST
I saw a layoff or a firing coming.  To be honest I'm relieved, and at least now I don't have to worry about  finding time to interview.




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
the last time i was laid off by aphrael (4.00 / 1) #12 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 12:33:38 PM EST
that's how i felt: yay, this is finally over, and i can move on now.
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.
[ Parent ]
Yeppers by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #13 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 12:46:02 PM EST
I think  I may be able to relax for a  bit in a way I haven't been able to do on any vacation in the last seven years.   I won't have 500+ email waiting for me.  I won't have to worry about  being paged.  It's a sort of freedom as long as the savings lasts.




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
wait by webwench (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 12:06:52 PM EST
what? seriously?


Getting more attention than you since 1998.

[ Parent ]
Seriously by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #11 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 12:30:06 PM EST
There's no such thing as free speech.




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
[ Parent ]
Hey what the fuck, over. by blixco (2.00 / 0) #17 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 03:28:39 PM EST
So, my friends at Dell (and I, too, when I was there) were always: for the love of god, fire me!

Lay me off!

Kill me!

So.  How does it feel?
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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin

[ Parent ]
I'm drunk and about to write a diary by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #20 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 07:31:17 PM EST
I don't feel much.  I feel ashamed at being fired by a bunch  of retards.  Otherwise, I feel like my life will go on like it has, but hopefully with a renewed sense of reality.  I  don't miss the job, I don't miss the management. I miss co-workers.  We had a shared sense of history. I'll miss that.  Years ago I talked to you about tribe, about the fact that we are tribal animials without tribes.   The shared sense of history was  a tribe and I'll miss that.  

Speaking of it.  I miss having you and Laurea down the street.  Call her Baby Toast and let me know that you did it.   I'll smile  tomorrow.  My  love to both of you.




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Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."

[ Parent ]
I don't believe it is ever gone ... by me0w (4.00 / 4) #6 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 12:02:48 PM EST
Perhaps just misplaced or secreted away for one reason or another.


"the only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."

That's true. by blixco (4.00 / 1) #8 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 12:16:02 PM EST
It hopefully is just a matter of searching.  Or better yet, not searching but finding anyway.
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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
this is a placeholder... by clock (4.00 / 1) #14 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 01:40:40 PM EST
...i'll be back...


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

+1 by dev trash (4.00 / 2) #15 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 01:52:47 PM EST
contains hedgehog content

--
Click
Fempto! by blixco (4.00 / 1) #18 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 03:59:41 PM EST

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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
You're acclimatizing to the weirdness by Alan Crowe (4.00 / 1) #16 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 02:03:26 PM EST
I sense that you are losing touch with how weird people are. The mainstream is a bubble of socially created reality, a sleep walk. The accidental encounter with the puncturing point, the burst, fails to wake the sleepers, even as they start to walk a new and unconnected nightmare.

Back in 1985 I worked for a defence company. Would there be a global thermo-nuclear war? My parents lived in South Queensferry. If the Soviets took out Rosyth Naval Base, on the other side of the Firth of Forth, what would become of them? What might the Soviets use? A ten megaton air burst? Maybe MIRV-ing would lead to a different attack with a pattern of 200kton warheads and less overkill.

After the Berlin Wall came down and the USSR broke up we were all safe and could look forward to a bright future.

Then comes September the 11th. The old enemy had their own planes, they didn't need to hijack passenger jets. They had bombs they could drop. They didn't have to crash their planes into targets, they could fly home to pick up more bombs and come back to drop them too. What bombs they were! Not poxy fission weapons such as Little Man and Big Boy, but the real deal, with hydrogen being fused, like in the Sun.

Relying on burning jet fuel to weaken the steel work and bring down a building is bathetic, even when it works. You are still a sad loser, whose religion has addled your brain so that you cannot create weapons.

It was the final confirmation. We were safe. We would not, after all, be obliterated in a global thermo-nuclear war. The new enemy had done their worst, struck the most devastating blow of which they were capable and only managed a single months work of traffic deaths. We could breath a huge sigh of relief.

Did the mainstream continue serenely towards a brighter future? No. They never actually woke up. The cold war bubble popped. The nightmare changed. The sleepers were as afraid as before.

You look at the people around you. They are weird. This is uncomfortable. So you let them suck you into their weirdness. They no longer seem weird to you and your pain goes away. You lose your voice and stop writing.

Reclaim your sense of the weirdness of the mainstream. They believe in being just as afraid of a nuclear bomb as a bucket of kerosene. There is too much to write about. Get some small fraction of it down on paper.

Maybe that's it. by blixco (2.00 / 0) #19 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 04:05:10 PM EST
I fell very quiet after September 11th.  Lost a lot of importance, all that crap that was important, it wasn't anymore.

I hadn't thought about that transference, though.  From the cold war to maybe a year or two of "what the....?" to the war on terra.

And all of a sudden, we're lucky enough to no longer be targets.

Or we're not under the microscope of a nuclear communist.

But we're so much more self-important.  Look at us, these blogs.

These words.

I don't know.  You have a very very good point.
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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin

[ Parent ]
You'd better not think that you are one of those by muchagecko (4.00 / 4) #21 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 08:52:34 PM EST
asshole artists that can only create beauty from pain. Think hard before you answer. You DON'T want me to have to take a long, long drive to kick your ass.

Dude, your voice is there, just not as easily accessible as when you were in pain. You get to find new ways to access your voice now.

The only people to get even with are those that have helped you.

Nah, it's nothing by blixco (4.00 / 1) #24 Tue Jul 24, 2007 at 03:40:13 AM EST
that simple.  It was easier when I was in a certain amount of pain or stress, but my best stuff came to me in a flash on random workdays.

I think the overall tone here is, I need to stop trying so hard, and just see where my voice is now.
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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin

[ Parent ]
writing by Merekat (4.00 / 2) #22 Mon Jul 23, 2007 at 11:58:47 PM EST
I had an eight year gap where I wrote nothing that was not a required document. It started coming back. Slowly, and kinda ugly, and not me 8 years ago but it has.

Oh, and spicy food FTW.

Fuel. by vorheesleatherface (4.00 / 2) #23 Tue Jul 24, 2007 at 12:21:32 AM EST
Trying to be creative and expressive when the well is dry is like squeezing orange juice from a fish. No juice, and the results stink. It's pointless. Nothing to be embarrassed about. We're all stupid enough to squeeze fish from time to time. We figure out sooner or later that it's time to gas up the car and go to the market for oranges. And that's fun, but then some of us have what we need to make orange juice and realize we're not even thirsty. Then perhaps it occurs to us that we should fillet the fish and cook it instead of squeezing it. See where this shitty analogy is going? I can't pull it together either but it started out being really promising. Dude, stop trying. Go do something else enjoyable. The words will come. Writing is like music. I believe that all the music that ever was and ever will be already exists. Music simply is. Words simply are. The different ways the pieces are shaped are infinite. I don't create. I create nothing. I find. I don't seek. I trip over. That's when the best stuff happens. You're not out of fuel, your voice isn't lost, and the fire in your belly is still there. It's just that sometimes we need to forget about it, stop agonizing, and just go have some fun until the creativity fairy pops up by surprise.


I have no advice by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #25 Wed Jul 25, 2007 at 04:22:07 AM EST
for your situation, see, because I never had the burst of genius thing. I write everything at least three times, every diary, every WFC, this comment included. I write a lot of stuff and throw it away, and my internal dialogue is something like "Hey, that sucked, let's try not to do that again. Or at least do it differently next time. Well, OK. One sentence out of that doesn't totally suck. I'm at about 1% un-suck on the day." Then I do it again.

So maybe you don't do what you used to do, the way you used to do it. Only you know that for sure. Maybe your thing now is something else; it could still be in the medium of words arranged in the right combination, mental rhythms, and the crazy magic of putting the thoughts in your head in someone else's head, but you get to it another way.

So I dunno. Maybe it's like Abe says: "I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me." Except I think it is still with you, you just don't recognize it yet.

--
"If a tree is impetuous in the woods, does it make a sound?" -- aethucyn

*flying muppet* by mrgoat (4.00 / 2) #26 Wed Jul 25, 2007 at 05:52:25 AM EST


--top hat--
DAMNIT. by blixco (4.00 / 1) #27 Wed Jul 25, 2007 at 12:17:51 PM EST

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"You bring the weasel, I'll bring the whiskey." - kellnerin
[ Parent ]
Warn'd Ya. by mrgoat (4.00 / 1) #28 Wed Jul 25, 2007 at 04:16:06 PM EST


--top hat--
[ Parent ]
Losing Your Voice, | 28 comments (28 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback