Print Story It's been awhile
Diary
By MissTrish (Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 06:28:20 AM EST) depression, anxiety, bitchiness, cacti (all tags)
In which I wake up. And see cacti.


I remember the winter. It was cold. I kept to my bed for the most part. Don't wanna go out. Movies rolled through the medium of ncmt's computer. Pages of books I know I love flipped past. I'm sure there were words on them. ncmt reached out to me, and I pushed him away. Loved ones left with improper good-byes until I saw them again, still unwilling to discard the safety of the bed.

I remember getting up, getting dressed, and getting into a car. It drove for a long time, and when I got out I was surrounded by warm and beautiful people. This time is clearer, the images more vivid. I have wonderful memories of beer and Eminem and flat tires and spare bedrooms and adorable children and breakfast and fuzzy memories of half-drunk cheap wine and subways and smoking. I remember promises made.

Then I got back into the car and it drove for a long time again.

Then I got back into bed. And loved ones left. And loved ones returned. I couldn't focus on them and their love or their needs. ncmt reached out to me again, and again I pushed him away.

Safe in the cocoon of the bed.

I remember spring starting. Now I would get up, get dressed, go to work. I could feel sunlight again and hear rain. I would come home, crawl back into bed and sleep.

Somewhere along the way I began to wake up. It hurt in my bones, along my nerves and with jarring vibrations along the metal of my spine. ncmt would reach out to me, and I would hurt him. Crying for no reason, screaming for imagined ones.

I still got up and I still went to work.

The routine stabilized me. Waking wasn't so hard. Now it's summer and I can't avoid the heat. There's no cold anywhere.

Work is long and stressful. My jaw muscles haven't unclenched. I stopped sleeping, awake all the time. Dreaming with my eyes wide open. Making mistakes based on the imperfect information of my mind.

A week ago my doctor put me on sedatives.

I sleep again. I wake up too. I notice the half-finished emails to the bright and shiny people from the winter and the half-finished letters to a friend who is still there for me even though we have never met. I notice the bright colours and that when ncmt reaches out to me this time, I can reach back.

A couple of weeks ago we stopped in at the corner flower store by our house. And this little cute and red cactus looked at me and winked, so to speak. I took it home and named it Titis for elephantitis of the penis (pictures to follow). Since then I have acquired enough succulents that I have been banned from more until proper shelf space can be set up. The windowsill is too crowded. I have scoured chapters and amazon for sufficient literature and have placed a self-ban on further book buying until I finish reading The Cactus Family.

My need to identify and catalogue all of my possessions has led me to frustrating internet searches. I am moderately satisfied that I have two euphorbia (obesa and milii), crassula ovata (jade), gymnocalycium 'Hibotan' (red moon) graft on unknown stock, and sedum morganianum (donkey's tail.) At work I have a common graft (at least I have seen it in many garden centres here) but I have no idea what kind either part is. I realize my collection is totally n00b, but they please me no matter.

I return to work with two pictures. One of me (because I am vain) and one of the unknown cactus graft, in case anyone can help.

P.S.
dev trash - watch the skies!

< It's like Piccadilly Circus out there | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
It's been awhile | 47 comments (47 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
*hugs n snuggles* by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 1) #1 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 06:56:12 AM EST
i'm glad you can get out of bed again. i know how it feels to not be able to.

lotsa love in your direction.
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if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake

thank you! by MissTrish (2.00 / 0) #12 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:12:55 AM EST
it is nice, being awake. My ass isn't as floppy.

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
your eyes look pretty intense. by garlic (4.00 / 1) #2 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 07:04:35 AM EST


This may not apply to MissTrish by muchagecko (2.00 / 0) #3 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 07:13:54 AM EST
I've noticed that some drugs (for treating depression, ADHD etc) make the taker's eyes more intense.

Makes me glad I never had to give any of those drugs to my kids.

The only people to get even with are those that have helped you.

[ Parent ]
I am pleased by MissTrish (4.00 / 1) #16 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:21:33 AM EST
that at least these drugs leave my pupils alone. If intense is the worst comment I get, better than "wow, you look high."

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
the Eyes of Ibad by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #8 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 08:23:19 AM EST
THE SPICE MUST FLOW!

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
Ativan by MissTrish (4.00 / 1) #17 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:23:05 AM EST
not melange. Close though. Kinda. Not really.

ypu're a chair
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That is because by MissTrish (4.00 / 3) #19 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:26:14 AM EST
my eyes are awesome.

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
I can handle that. by garlic (2.00 / 0) #26 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 03:45:06 PM EST


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I ate cactus the other night by cam (2.00 / 0) #4 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 07:20:00 AM EST
It appeared to be in something lik epicklye juice. very salty.

cam
Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic

umm by cam (2.00 / 0) #5 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 07:20:54 AM EST
seems like by dev trash (4.00 / 2) #9 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 08:28:22 AM EST
you ixed up cactus with psycedelic mushrooms

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Or not by Vulch (2.00 / 0) #23 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 01:15:47 PM EST

Lophophora Williamsii, or Peyote, contains Mescaline (Which is a Schedule III controlled substance in Canada. The cactus is exempt though)

In my second picture it's the one between the unhappy Haworthia and the Lithops in the tray nearest the camera.

[ Parent ]
San Pedro too! by MissTrish (2.00 / 0) #28 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 03:55:54 PM EST
I saw it there. And lusted. Silently. I think I may need to find some seeds. Aren't they a pain to cultivate though?

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
Slow growing by Vulch (2.00 / 0) #37 Sun Jun 17, 2007 at 01:25:58 AM EST

I got mine as a small plant a couple of years ago, and it's still small with no sign of budding. I don't know what it's like from seed, cacti seem like any other groups of plants, some types grow easily, others take ages and have a poor germination rate.

[ Parent ]
Welcome back from the depths of Hell. by StarRunner (4.00 / 1) #6 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 08:12:54 AM EST
Not an easy feat for sure. Even harder when all your friends seem to walk away from you...

Deer hunting would be fine sport, if only the deer had guns. ~William S. Gilbert
they're still there (mostly) by MissTrish (2.00 / 0) #14 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:16:39 AM EST
the ones that didn't move to europe that is. They've just been waiting for me to come out of limbo.

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
Too many cacti and succulents? by Vulch (4.00 / 2) #7 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 08:18:34 AM EST

What...

...a strange...

...concept.



omg sex by MissTrish (4.00 / 1) #13 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:15:07 AM EST
I need more windowsills. and pots. and cacti. and everything.

Beautiful!


ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
Windowsills are like disc space by Vulch (2.00 / 0) #21 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 01:00:20 PM EST

You always need at least 50% more than you've got. And the ones you do have turn out to face the wrong way.

[ Parent ]
sun is sun though? by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #35 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 08:09:30 PM EST
even if it is NE sun?

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It's the duration by Vulch (2.00 / 0) #36 Sun Jun 17, 2007 at 01:18:07 AM EST

Cacti are used to direct sun for most of the day, other types of plants want less or none at all, and the plant you've just bought will want to be on one of the window sills that are already full.

[ Parent ]
Presumably, by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #40 Sun Jun 17, 2007 at 12:59:46 PM EST
at an extra (no map of PA available to me at this point) 10-15 degrees south of us, he's a bit better off for sunlight.

[ Parent ]
odd. by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #10 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 08:34:09 AM EST
I was just thinking that I needed more plants in the house and since I nearly killed the dahlia ( vacation for 10 days and it had no water) I would need to acquire some plants that can survive 10 days without water.

Cacti it is then.

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Do it! by MissTrish (4.00 / 1) #15 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:18:58 AM EST
I have spent many hours now just staring at the awesomeness that are succulents. They are way too cool and way too hard ot kill.

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
tomorrow. by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #20 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:51:28 AM EST
if I can find the greenhouse local to me.  and if it has succulents.

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it's nice to see you post again :-) by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #11 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 09:42:56 AM EST
I've missed you. I'm glad things are looking up a bit, and I hope you can continue to feel a bit better. And sleep and wake up at all the right times.
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If you don't get a Bonnie, my universe will not make sense. --blixco
it's good to be back by MissTrish (4.00 / 1) #18 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 11:25:37 AM EST
I can concentrate on the internets again. And inter-species interactions.

I have good thoughts aimed at you, btw, for getting that bike!


ypu're a chair
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Re: The bike by toxicfur (2.00 / 0) #31 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 04:22:08 PM EST
Thank you! I really appreciate the good thoughts. When I get it, you'll have to come down and take a ride. Either that, or I'll have to make a road trip to Toronto on it. :)

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If you don't get a Bonnie, my universe will not make sense. --blixco
[ Parent ]
I think I have now hit my quota by MissTrish (4.00 / 1) #32 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 04:59:01 PM EST
for use of the word "awesome." And yet..tempted... I may try and make a solo trip to Boston should the funds/time free up. Get that Bonnie and we'll see ^.~

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
You're welcome here anytime. by toxicfur (2.00 / 0) #33 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 05:15:25 PM EST
We'd love to have you stay in our spare room again. :) So make plans sometime around the beginning of June, 2009. I should have the Bonnie by then.
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If you don't get a Bonnie, my universe will not make sense. --blixco
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gah by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #34 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 07:51:06 PM EST
get your passport now.

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wow awesome eyes by R343L (2.00 / 0) #22 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 01:12:35 PM EST
Also, is that tattoo on your left shoulder? Because that is a pretty cool one (and I am saying this as someone who kind of thinks tattoos are too permanent).

"There will be time, there will be time / To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet." -- Eliot
it is real by MissTrish (2.00 / 0) #27 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 03:52:14 PM EST
and needs touching up badly. The white paw-prints are fading in the sun. Thank you. ^_^

ypu're a chair
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Heh. You're back to looking like my daughter again by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #24 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 01:29:50 PM EST
Too cute for your own good.

Continues to creep me out by MissTrish (4.00 / 1) #30 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 04:03:47 PM EST
How up on your family's genealogy are you? All the women in my family are practically clones of each other. Baby pictures of each generation only prove that genetic engineering has been continuing to produce the same model of woman in my family for almost a century now.

My grandmother is also a grim reminder to die young and pretty.


ypu're a chair
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Negative. Negative. by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #43 Mon Jun 18, 2007 at 03:03:07 AM EST
Die old and pretty. It's easy enough to do. And you'll have more fun breaking guys hearts for a longer time.

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Promises stand by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #25 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 03:31:49 PM EST
That's all.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

Agreed. by MissTrish (2.00 / 0) #29 Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 03:58:07 PM EST
I have one half-finished email to you to finish. I apologize for how long it has been sitting in my "drafts".

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]
Not to worry by iGrrrl (2.00 / 0) #38 Sun Jun 17, 2007 at 02:49:50 AM EST
I've done the same thing myself a time or sixteen.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

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Speaking of... by ana (2.00 / 0) #39 Sun Jun 17, 2007 at 07:24:31 AM EST
may i buy you lunch for your birthday anniversary? Have your minion call my minion.

Power up your flaming yo-yos already! --StackyMcRacky

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We should by iGrrrl (2.00 / 0) #42 Sun Jun 17, 2007 at 05:17:58 PM EST
I left my electronic brain on the Cape, but Tuesday or Wednesday should be good. The problem is, I don't know which one. We need to sea trial the repairs on the engine, and it depends on when they say to come.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

[ Parent ]
The sleep of a winter by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #41 Sun Jun 17, 2007 at 01:14:53 PM EST
Making it through a winter can get more than a little tricky. I'm sending happy thoughts your way. If I could send more, I would, though.

The more happy thoughts the better by MissTrish (2.00 / 0) #45 Wed Jun 20, 2007 at 10:08:31 AM EST
I have a drug-doctor appointment tomorrow. Must. Not. Cry. In. Office.

ypu're a chair
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Welcome back! by Corky Sherwood (2.00 / 0) #44 Wed Jun 20, 2007 at 06:21:52 AM EST
I've known the feeling all too well.  Summer helps.

Keep smiling!

I try by MissTrish (2.00 / 0) #46 Wed Jun 20, 2007 at 10:09:26 AM EST
then it rains like an Alanis Morisette song. I need to remember that life should be more Aqua.

ypu're a chair
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Or Hoku by Corky Sherwood (2.00 / 0) #47 Wed Jun 20, 2007 at 11:38:20 AM EST
Life should be a bubblegum pop song all the time.

until, of course, you want to shoot someone....

But until then, bop away my friend!!

[ Parent ]
It's been awhile | 47 comments (47 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback