Print Story Hot Dog Pad Thai: Because it popped up in auto-complete
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By MohammedNiyalSayeed (Tue May 15, 2007 at 07:59:27 PM EST) poops, makin' poops, what's awesome, hotdogpadthai (all tags)

Today's poops were solid, until they were not. Very strange hybrid poops. I suspect the changed timing and sporadic stop/start use of doctor-prescribed pharmaceuticals is having an unwanted, and largely undocumented, effect. Then again, I'm not a doctor. I'm a dude with some weird poops today. Oh, and yesterday.



So, About Cute Girl Downstairs

Man, is she cute. Oh, and dudes? Yesterday, in the morning, it was cold out. Nice and cold. Did I mention that she smokes?

She's pretty awesome, but, as I was explaining today at work, she's awesome because I don't know her. I don't know anything about her. Well, that's not true. I know she lives up North, and she's from back East, and she's a member of the Ashkenazi tribe. And she's cute. Like a button. Where the fuck did that phrase come from, anyway? When is the last fucking time you saw a button, and thought to yourself, "awwww, lookatthatbutton"? Never, that's when. Whatevs. I digress.

But the main reason she's so awesome is because the relationship is perfect right now; it doesn't exist. From this point on, any change will only bring inevitable disaster. I ask her out, and she says no? Rejection! Hooray for rejection! My coworkers are right, and she likes me back? Sooner or later, I'll find her annoying. Or she'll find me annoying. Or we'll both find each other annoying. Or she'll change her mind. It happens! Believe me, I've seen it. Or don't, and learn it on your own, sucka. The truth is, no matter how much you think you know someone, you can never really know them. So, with the current situation being that Cute Girl Downstairs and My Relationship is as follows:

  1. I see Cute Girl Downstairs
  2. Cute Girl Downstairs sees me and smiles
  3. My core temperature rises, and my stomach does a little roller coaster hill-crest thingy
  4. I proceed with my day

This is a manageable work flow. This, however, is not:

  1. My phone rings, Cute Girl Downstairs wants to know what I want to have for dinner
  2. I want lamb, because it's delicious
  3. She won't eat lambs because they're cute
  4. I explain that's the exact reason you eat lambs
  5. She calls me a Nazi, and reports me to HR
  6. I end up sleeping in a van, down by the river.

She just might not like lamb. You never know. And at my advanced age, I'm not risking that shit. It's a no-brainer.

But Fuck All That, Let's Go To Colorado

By "Let's" I mean "I'm going to". You aren't invited. Don't take it personally, it's not you; it's me. I need some space. I need to get out there, kick the tires, take a poop in the woods, as it were. Literally. Actually, I'm only going for 2 days of woods and mountains, so I can probably hold it for two days. Well, I think I can. The altitude helps with that, though I'm not quite sure why. I would have assumed less atmospheric pressure outside the ass cavity would result in less resistance to the equalization process, but, dudes, I seriously have a hard time pooping at altitude, outdoors. Or indoors. The outdoors thing might be just some ol' OCD-awesomeness. Hard to say.

That's all the details I am at liberty to provide about that trip.

Oh, except that, in doing preliminary research for staging area lodging and entertainment, I was sad to see that Tiki Boyd's is no longer. There goes my chance to hobnob with royalty, and hit Mr. Rice up for permission to reform the Abraxas Foundation. Fucking hell.

SEE WHAT PROGRESS GETS YOU, PROGRESSIVES? NOT COOL, DUDES. NOT COOL. DID I COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND PEE ON YOUR CHILDHOOD TEDDY BEAR? NO, I DID NOT. AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I'M COOL ABOUT THAT SHIT. I MEAN, THAT'S NOT THE SORT OF THING I LIKE TO DO. Speaking of which, time to make either a sandwich, or spaghetti. Who am I kidding? It's 9:30pm, that's sandwich time, as I don't have the desire to do any more work today. Also, I need to call sherpasovernight.com, as the tracking number (if you want to call it that; I had to install this weird-ass font to get it to display properly) is showing no Sherpas on their way to me, and that's just fucked up. Man, I ordered those things like 10 days ago. Give or take a day for customs?

Every Day, My Life Becomes More Like A Sitcom

Where all the characters are pretty funny, but, ultimately, I don't give a shit about any of them. Except the protagonist. I should probably either up my dosage, or dump the shit, entirely. Definitely one, or the other. Which one do you think it is, Carl?

My Back Hurts!

Fortunately, it's not a serious problem, just the result of busting my ass at work. For months now. Consecutively. Today, in fact, I, myself, installed 120 Dunkin' Donuts servers. 50 lbs isn't a lot to pick up, once, but try doing that 120 times in 9 hours. 5 days a week. 14 weeks in a row. On the plus side, my back looks buff. But, dudes, my back? Why the fuck do I need a buff back? I need softer hands, is what I need.

But I'll say this; there is a very nice feeling from physical work, where, at the end of a big project, you can look at it and say, "I built that thing, motherfuckers! I BUILT IT!" "cat ~/projects/whatever.lib" lacks that visceral impact. And the whole thing feels, well, manly.

Jerry Falwell's Death Made Me Think

Not anything about Jerry Falwell, as I don't give a shit about him one way or the other, but about how I would be remembered if I died. Ignoring the obvious fact, of course, that I wouldn't be remembered, for the sake of argument, it would probably be easy enough to make a credible case that, in general, I was an asshole. I've no problems with that. However, I'm a selective asshole. I think, in a way, this has always been my goal in life, and I intend to go eat a ham and swiss sandwich to celebrate having achieved my own life goal, so easily, so often, so awesomely, and the joy of liberation upon having found out the extent of one's victory... ah, fuck it. Drink up, dudes. To awesomeness.

Update [2007-5-16 1:41:49 by MohammedNiyalSayeed]: SPAGHETTI SANDWICH: Not the best idea I've ever had.
< 2007.05.15: Cylon Hunter or Replicant Hunter? | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
Hot Dog Pad Thai: Because it popped up in auto-complete | 31 comments (31 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
True Fact: Boyd Rice & I have a mutual ex-gf by chuckles (4.00 / 1) #1 Tue May 15, 2007 at 08:17:50 PM EST
It's like we're related or something.

"The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin [...] would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities"
He's your BFF! by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #2 Tue May 15, 2007 at 08:40:40 PM EST

The real question, though, and the one Boyd Rice would probably ask, is "who got there first?" Not that there's a wrong answer, just that it's relevant.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
He got there first. by chuckles (4.00 / 1) #5 Tue May 15, 2007 at 10:38:54 PM EST
Although she was still illegal by the time I got there.

"The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin [...] would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities"
[ Parent ]
That's the Boyd Rice I know and love by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #16 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:12:37 AM EST

Good to see you've got a little Boyd Rice in you, too!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
I recently met a girl by MillMan (4.00 / 1) #3 Tue May 15, 2007 at 09:23:49 PM EST
and stuff happened, where stuff != getting fired!

When I'm imprisoned as an enemy combatant, will you blog about it?

I've never actually been fired by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #4 Tue May 15, 2007 at 09:56:49 PM EST

Well, not from a real job, anyway, and never over stuff happening with a girl, but it could happen. Just like she might not like lamb. You never know.

And me? I don't care to find out. Ultimately, blah blah blah, my tagline goes here.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
You will be remembered by Herring (4.00 / 2) #6 Wed May 16, 2007 at 12:20:11 AM EST
"Hey, there was this guy in the US who'd actually heard of The Fall and got some of their records and everything. What was his name again?"

christ, we're all old now - StackyMcRacky
Yes, but to get back on topic, by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #7 Wed May 16, 2007 at 12:37:49 AM EST
did he know The Fall well?

[ Parent ]
He once annoyed Craig Scanlon and Steve Hanley by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #15 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:12:02 AM EST

at the bar two doors down from where the Fall were to play in Chicago, when he recognized them as being Fall members, by thanking them for making his childhood memorable, and by buying them drinks.

MES threw down his mic mid-show that night, and stormed out. He was in better spirits the next night in Milwaukee.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Wow. by Herring (4.00 / 1) #29 Wed May 16, 2007 at 09:51:57 AM EST
I annoyed Neil Tennant once, but that's not in the same league.

christ, we're all old now - StackyMcRacky
[ Parent ]
What you did, however, was far more noble by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #31 Wed May 16, 2007 at 04:52:06 PM EST

Mine was just another drunken mistake.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Nota Bene: In Cute Girl Downstairs scenario two by greyrat (4.00 / 1) #8 Wed May 16, 2007 at 02:48:30 AM EST
there might also be some actual sex involved before the lamb incident. But then again, it might not be any good... Hmmm...

See? So many negative possibilities! by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #14 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:09:58 AM EST

The outcome could be bad in so many ways!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Meanwhile . . . by slozo (4.00 / 2) #19 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:37:52 AM EST
. . . your hand and wrist get a workout and we get angst-ridden diaries. It's win-win!

[ Parent ]
I'm moving on to a yiffing machine by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #20 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:46:13 AM EST

But, serious, angst-ridden? I'm the happiest man on Earth! What do I have to be angsty about?


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
With my special, x-ray vision . . . by slozo (4.00 / 2) #21 Wed May 16, 2007 at 06:03:26 AM EST
. . . I can see through your shiny veneer of sentence-ending happy catchphrases. I feel the sense of emptiness at not having found the partner of your dreams, so that you can share your new found wealth and success with someone special.

I see an unhappy clown with the everlasting, painted on grin.

Yay strippers!

[ Parent ]
I am as transparent as WEB TWO POINT OH! by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #24 Wed May 16, 2007 at 06:42:28 AM EST

The partner of my dreams has three arms, and wears a chewbacca mask at all times. I'm not sure I want to meet her, much less spend any of my loot with that dirty, masked whore.

I do, however, agree with your insights about strippers!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Weird poops? by mrgoat (4.00 / 8) #9 Wed May 16, 2007 at 03:54:45 AM EST
I can't think of anything that qualifies you to be a doctor more than that.

Also, you could do this thing with the girl, but skip the middle steps, by which I mean cook some lamb, eat it by yourself, and masturbate while crying. She won't even have to know!

Though, you could tell her. You would walk up to her and be all like, "Hi. I ate lamb and cried while masturbating last night, thinking of you the whole time. Just FYI."

Maybe she'll dig it. Or get a restraining order, solving the whole conundrum once and for all!

--top hat--

this is an excellent idea. by garlic (4.00 / 3) #11 Wed May 16, 2007 at 04:21:52 AM EST


[ Parent ]
Whoa, that's the best idea anyone has ever had! by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #12 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:07:18 AM EST

I'll be picking up some lamb and Kleenex from the store on my way home tonight!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Get something for the tears too. by mrgoat (4.00 / 2) #17 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:20:49 AM EST


--top hat--
[ Parent ]
The tears are the lube by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 3) #18 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:25:02 AM EST

As they always are, as they always are...


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Sigged! by greyrat (4.00 / 1) #25 Wed May 16, 2007 at 06:48:55 AM EST
At least it will be when I get home...

"The tears are the lube. As they always are, as they always are..." -- MNS

[ Parent ]
i made straight up pad thai last week. by garlic (4.00 / 1) #10 Wed May 16, 2007 at 04:19:41 AM EST
it has some weird ass ingredients in it that I could have done without and substituted hotdogs and been fine. Who needs a jar of pickled cabbage sitting around so they can add it a teaspoon at a time to pad thai? Or tamarind?

oh well -- looks like I'm eating a lot of pad thai this month.


Top tip: by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #13 Wed May 16, 2007 at 05:09:12 AM EST

Stop by McDonalds and buy a hot fudge sundae. Ask for a few extra little bags of chopped peanuts. Take the peanuts home, and use one package per serving as a peanut topping for your Pad Thai, and presto, instant new meal freshness with a layer of crunch!

That, and a couple of squirts of Sri Racha, and you will happily eat Pad Thai for a couple of months.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
you need the tamarind by MillMan (4.00 / 1) #27 Wed May 16, 2007 at 07:44:34 AM EST
for the "sour" part of sweet and sour...but the pickled cabbage, yeah, it doesn't add anything to the dish and I don't use it anymore.

When I'm imprisoned as an enemy combatant, will you blog about it?

[ Parent ]
Wierd poops by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #22 Wed May 16, 2007 at 06:28:54 AM EST
Must be cancer. You better get it checked out.

I am dismayed that Donut Wheel Corp doesn't have its own fleet of user friendly large-object lifting robots. Aren't they supposed to be the future!?
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[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

Checked out, schmeckt out by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #23 Wed May 16, 2007 at 06:40:14 AM EST

I've been courting cancer for years, finally, all that hard work is paying off!

I do have a hydraulic lift at my disposal, but if I used that thing to lift each 50 lb server, I'd only have installed a fraction of what I did, and then I wouldn't get the "attaboy" delivered with the flowers to my hospital room, and who wants that?


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
You should subcontract by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #26 Wed May 16, 2007 at 07:29:50 AM EST
There's usually guys hanging out at the Home Depot in the morning who will do the heavy lifting for $3/hour. They don't speak English, so if your bosses ask, you can just say they are the janitorial staff.
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[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Oh, the idea has crossed my mind by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #30 Wed May 16, 2007 at 04:50:51 PM EST

The problem is getting them past the handprint scanner. That thing is so picky.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
+1 something; best use of ... by BlueOregon (4.00 / 1) #28 Wed May 16, 2007 at 08:14:26 AM EST

... "schmeckt" in ages, sort of a double-meaning ... whatever. Gross.

But I digress: 1) I agree with the goat, and 2) good job keeping the faith, er, the monkhood.

[ Parent ]
Hot Dog Pad Thai: Because it popped up in auto-complete | 31 comments (31 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback