So had cleaning done, it's been two years since I last sat down in a dentists chair.  They've been calling me since the last visit and I always ignored them.  Called them scheduled an appointment under my own will, I really don't like people trying to manage my life and I always do what I feel needs to be done despite what other's think.  Felt it was time partly since I'm planning to quit my job and with that go the benefits. 

It was nice to see the receptionist again, she's a nice girl felt last time like she was interested in me and this time got non of that.  I did see an engagement ring maybe that has something do with it.  On the plus side the hygienist was a new girl.  I couldn't stand the previous one, the cleaning was terrible and she kept me choking on excess water plus complained when I swallowed.  This one was gentle and pleasant plus her hitting on me is always a good thing.  I would have liked to do the same but it's kind of hard when there's things in your mouth.  This would have to be the first time I had an erection at the dentist, I can't really help it when a girl rests her rack on my face(well head), alright?

Almost forgot about my teeth, considering it's been two years nothing has changed.  Same wisdom teeth have to be pulled, receding gum line need to brush different motion, and besides that nothing to be concerned about to my surprise.  Was preparing myself to all kinds of drilling for next appointment.

On another note, it seems I find myself back here.  Which isn't a good thing I'm afraid, and I see a pattern developing which I keep trying to break to no avail.  This seems to be the start of the cycle, and in the end nothing changes I just end up being totally messed up again.  I just wonder what it'll take to stop.

I'm becoming the kind of person I always hated.  I'm trying to find pleasure where I can, at times it might be in acts of desperation and I fear I'll end up going back into a slump that I've become too accustomed to by now.  Incidents that I would have preferred not to happen are occurring too often.  Getting drunk at bars or concerts hocking up with someone just to feel another body next to mine seems to be the only comfort that I can find.  But in the end it's not the face I want to see and find my body just simply shutting down as if it's gone into a cave dropped into fetal position to be left alone just to await death.  Last one was with a high school girl, in self defence (pathetic as it maybe) I was drunk plus on the verge of losing it and her initiated everything did distract my brain even if it was for a short bit.  I find myself looking back now trying to figure out how I got to this point.  But I guess there's little that I can do now but try to make things more positive if even possible.  I'm not filled with hate anymore but my nerves are still fucked up.  I've started smoking cigarettes among other things just trying to gain control in anyway I can over them.  The only person that seems to matter to me doesn't want anything to do with me and at times the thought is just emotionally crippling.  I doubt I have any right to try and change that, at the same time I don't know what to do with myself but to try.  Some hope is the only thing I have left, that something will change one day even if it's misguided and far from the truth.