Print Story A Day in the Life
Check-one-two! Check-one-two!

"REC! You still haven't signed up for the new version 4.b certification training!"
"You said it was optional. It's 70% $Area_I_don't _work_in and not 5% of what I do work in."
"It's mandatory. You have to sign up!"
"I have a mail from you that says..."
"It's now mandatory! Sign up today!"

Poll: cheating
x-posted to da brog.

And so once again I have to take a week of advanced classroom training about subjects I know nothing about to get a certification I don't need for things that I don't work with. Such is corporate life and I have no idea how I've held out this long. The last time we had such training was four years ago with the version 3 roll-out. You could only attempt the certification three times and if you didn't make it, you lost your job. I failed twice but then it turned out a similar but higher-level certification would also cover the basic necessary one. I failed that one on my first attempt.

I was given two weeks off to study to take it again because they weren't willing to lose me for the corporate bullshit of requiring everyone to be certified. I spent the time studying and creating a very small, compact and useful cheat sheet. I went in to take the test. This time I'd taken extra precautions. I'd shown up in a suit, and in my breast pocket was a mini recorder which I'd tested the night before. I read every question and answer out loud before answering it.

I failed again, but this time I had everything I needed. I transcribed the entire tape, then over the next couple days went over every bloody question with my cow-orkers. Armed with the correct answers to every single question I returned for what would probably be my last chance. It wasn't hard to position myself out of view of the cameras and the company doing the testing wasn't all that interested in this anyway. It was easy enough to slip my notes between the pages of scratch paper and took my sweet time.

I didn't score 100% -- two or three of the "correct" answers they had were wrong. Still, it was more than a passing grade and my ass was saved. The Übermanager gave a sigh of relief.

Currently, word is that there's a certification test but no maximum number of attempts. Of course, this training and certification were optional and voluntary two weeks ago so I have little doubt that the passing certification will likewise become mandatory. My only hope is that the testing is held at the shithole "training center" and not here on $MegaCorp's premises, a longshot on par with the odds of hitting the lottery jackpot.

I have no qualms about cheating for this cert. It's not "real", it's unnecessary, and it has nothing to do with my work. It's corporate bullshit so that they can tell customers "Look! All our monkeys are certified!" They actually believe customers attach any meaning to this.

I'm not too worried about sneaking notes into the room. My real concern is that since moving I don't know where the pocket recorder disappeared to and I may have to shell out another €40 or so for a new one. I wonder if I can write that off my taxes as a necessity for my job...

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A Day in the Life | 5 comments (5 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Double your pleasure by anonimouse (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Nov 23, 2007 at 03:46:29 AM EST
many MP3 players also record.

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
What kind of work is it you do? (nt) by ksiaz (2.00 / 0) #2 Fri Nov 23, 2007 at 09:22:14 AM EST

As far as I can tell, by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #4 Fri Nov 23, 2007 at 01:24:11 PM EST
He works for a company that offers a service whereby it keeps unfireable morons too busy talking to REC to disturb anyone in their own company, thereby allowing productive work to get done.

The one thing that makes me slightly suspicious of this analysis is that it appears that some of the systems that the idiots call up about appear to be business critical applications.

[ Parent ]
Pain by duxup (2.00 / 0) #3 Fri Nov 23, 2007 at 10:10:32 AM EST
I worked for company X and we were acquired by company Y and required to pass company Y’s certification test shortly after.  No job loss threats involved.  You just had to do it.  I passed part one on the first try by some miracle but like many others failed part 2.  They had taken the already horrendously written test full of grammatical issues, misspellings and tried to wedge in some of our companies products and concepts.  Some ape did the work and they constantly misplaced terms, swapped them around and generally horked it all up.  Several questions were of course simply wrong (at least the answered they wanted) and many others, even when you knew the answer, weren’t at all clear what they were asking.

Dude, that’s not even a question. Was my feedback on several questions.

We eventually conspired to buy one of those test prep things that it turned out actually just let you print out EVERY possible question with the answers.  Everyone passed, nobody learned a thing.  Even better we did have some technical screw ups shortly after as people tried to apply the test answers they memorized to their work… the test answers that were actually entirely wrong…  nice.


Were it not for the test prep availiblitiy by ReallyEvilCanine (4.00 / 1) #5 Sat Nov 24, 2007 at 02:07:13 AM EST
I'd swear we worked for the same company. Typos, bad grammar, questions  that aren't actually questions, wrong answers... Glub help the n00b who actually tries to apply half the shit in the cert testing to actual systems -- it's a sure-fire way to hose both the application and the database it accesses.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
A Day in the Life | 5 comments (5 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback