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Diary
By 256 (Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 02:26:56 PM EST) (all tags)
i haven't written one here in too long.


much has happened.

it has been two months since the end of my relationship with misslake. it seems a long time in its way, though it is dwarfed by the full third of my life that we spent together.

i haven't talked about it much here (and that's not likely to change) but i hope you know it's not because i don't love you guys. i'm thankful for the support that you have given her when she needed it and for the kind words that have come my way even though i didn't reach out for them.

we're still both living at the shawshack and that's been both good and bad. but mostly good i think. the people here are wonderful and have been  better friends than i deserved. ni especially has given of himself endlessly and someday i hope to be able to repay him.

i know people here (where here is both husi and toronto) have suggested that we should really be putting more distance between ourselves, and this isn't bad advice. but i think it has actually been good for us to have the contact we have had for the past few months. certainly we have hurt each other in that time, hurt which has been compounded onto greater hurt. but i feel that now we are better equipped to heal. now we are ready for distance.

i only hope that what we have right now can survive the two weeks before misslake's departure.

speaking of which, though the shawshack will live on, its first era (or perhaps its second, for there was a definite shift when ni arrived and k* departed for chicago) is coming soon to a close.

in less than two weeks misslake flies to amsterdam. shortly before she returns, i will be flying to london, where our paths will cross for lHusi drinks.

afterwards, misslake will return to the shawshack's waiting bosom. i do not intend to do the same.

i do not indulge frequently in nostalgia--preemptive nostalgia even less so--but the thought makes me sad. this has been a wonderful home. i haven't mentioned this to anyone else yet, but i think jan 12 may be an appropriate date for a party. happy trails to misslake and adieu to an iteration of a home.

christmas vacation has overall been wonderful. because of the nature of $programming job, i had all of last week and this week off. and because E was going to be in the city (and also, in no small part, because of the crappy weather) i scheduled that same period off from couriering (actually, i was supposed to courier tomorrow, but will not be doing so for reasons that will become clear).

i took advantage of the respite from work to:

  • spend time with my mom and my sisters
  • play cranium (arguably the ultimate board game)
  • drive too much, but derive extreme pleasure from it
  • spend an entire phenethylamine afternoon building racetracks for RC cars with rhooke
  • get back into civ 4
  • take a couple of baby steps towards rebuilding a relationship with my father (with whom pretty much my only interaction in the past few years has been an awkward phone call on my birthday)
  • consume rather a lot of whiskey, some of it quite tasty
  • see a lot of bad movies
  • etc etc etc
but most of all, this christmas break was measured in precious hours spent with E before she disappeared once again overseas.

and yesterday. yesterday was misslake's birthday. yesterday was the last evening with E. yesterday was the night that found ni and i up later than everyone else and looking for mischief.

mischief that resulted in me dropping an approximately 120 pound manhole cover on my foot.

it sucked rather a lot.

fortunately, insufflated hydromorphone seems to be a perfect therapeutic match.

except that it seems to be negatively affecting my ability to put together a coherent diary. so i shall leave off here before matters grow any worse.

< Everybody dies frustrated and sad | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
a real diary | 13 comments (13 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
women, booze, civ4, RC cars by MillMan (4.00 / 2) #1 Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 02:40:14 PM EST
man, that's like my dream weekend.

When I'm imprisoned as an enemy combatant, will you blog about it?

man, you have no imagination by persimmon (2.00 / 0) #3 Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 03:27:21 PM EST
/me jumps straight to the mu-agonists up the nose
-----
"Nature is such a fucking plagarist."
[ Parent ]
look by MillMan (4.00 / 1) #4 Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 03:31:42 PM EST
not all of us are into world domination and saving puppies in Africa, ok?

When I'm imprisoned as an enemy combatant, will you blog about it?

[ Parent ]
it's been a wonderful couple of weeks by 256 (4.00 / 2) #5 Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 03:32:16 PM EST
the kind of pure joy that even throbbing pain and oozing blood from your foot can't really put a damper on.
---
I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni
[ Parent ]
with love ... by aphrael (4.00 / 1) #2 Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 03:13:25 PM EST
ni especially has given of himself endlessly and someday i hope to be able to repay him.

ni has struck me as being amazing. you are very lucky to have him; and, likewise, he is very lucky to have you.

but the thought makes me sad.

Moving always makes me sad; saying goodbye to a place I have loved, or even a place I have despised, is wrenching. I work near my old home; every day I go by, it brings a twinge of sadness which does not heal with time.

And yet ... recognizing when it is the right time to move, and doing so, is an important part of growth, and I commend you for taking that step, even while I commiserate in the sorrow.

good luck to you on your travels, and may they bring you home.
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

on the contrary by 256 (2.00 / 0) #6 Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 03:37:47 PM EST
i generally love moving.

it is reaffirming because i can reap a tangible benefit of my decision to own as few things as possible. and the anticipation of the next chapter seems to always overshadow for me the closing of the previous.

but this is a special case. the house is nice enough, but the people that live here are amazing. they have been more than just friends to me, the shawshack really does feel like another family to me.

when i think the word "home", i think my mind will conjure up this space for a long time to come.

still, i am excited to move forward, and i do so without trepidation or regret.
---
I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni

[ Parent ]
moving by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #7 Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 03:45:13 PM EST
binds a sense of loss with a sense of anticipation; but I am always keenly aware of what I am losing, and that overwhelms the anticipation, even when I know I'm doing the right thing.

I spent a long time with no 'home' whatsoever; each move carries with it a fear that the new place won't be home, that no place will ever be home again. it's not a paralyzing fear ... but it's a fear nonetheless.
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

[ Parent ]
256 - SS = Sad Ponies by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #8 Thu Jan 04, 2007 at 04:00:51 PM EST
It's always sad to see a shack shift, especially when it's as shaw as yours is. Alack, better a fond memory than something worse.

I'm not a doctor, but my advice is to not drop manhole covers on any part of your anatomy. Also to be avoided are dropping manholes, which may result in falling, strange Boolean operations, or homosexuality, depending on the exact context.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da.
i know exactly how you feel by fleece (2.00 / 0) #9 Fri Jan 05, 2007 at 02:02:18 AM EST
don't be afraid to be human

LOL WHAT? by komet (2.00 / 0) #10 Fri Jan 05, 2007 at 02:12:38 AM EST
Name one person on Husi who is less afraid to be human than 256.

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]
i don't even know by fleece (2.00 / 0) #13 Fri Jan 05, 2007 at 12:30:27 PM EST
i was just trying to think of something supportive to say

[ Parent ]
So the 12th is a Friday . . . by slozo (2.00 / 0) #11 Fri Jan 05, 2007 at 02:56:00 AM EST
. . . count me in!

Couldn't make it to misslakes b-day celebrations, unfortunately, but the "End Of The Shawshack Era" party is a no-brainer to attend.

hopefully I won't be fired by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #12 Fri Jan 05, 2007 at 05:41:50 AM EST
for looking up on wiki all the pharmacological references in this diary.

a real diary | 13 comments (13 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback