Print Story True Stories of the Witch House, vol. 2
Funny stuff
By Captain Tenille (Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 12:37:34 PM EST) witch house (all tags)
In today's installment of True Stories of the Witch House, we examine what happens when you have a band play in the upstairs bedroom, pumpkin decoration - with SCIENCE, concealment of indiscretions, and why you should insure that you get up good and early.


One: The Witch House did not have a very large living room. The best way to put it would probably be "charmingly cramped". Occasionally, we'd have parties there and sometimes even shows. This was difficult, because having a hundred people in a house that was so small leads to much squished-ness. We were fortunate that we didn't have any neighbors close by that weren't businesses.

One time, a fairly popular band called "C Average" was going to play at our house. We'd learned the hard way that having a band in the living room was tough, so we decided that we should have them play in one of the upstairs bedrooms, because that was the biggest room in the house.

The party turned out to be great. Tons of people showed up, everybody had fun. I was walking around, mingling and schmoozing, when someone said to me "Hey, Jeremy, look up." I looked up, and the fucking ceiling was moving. Bowing up, and down, up, and down. Very noticably. As you might imagine, I was pretty concerned about this. I forced my way upstairs, got to where the band was playing, and told them what was up. I then told everybody "Look, please don't jump up and down. The ceiling is going like this! (made gesture to show the ceiling's movement) We don't want the ceiling to collapse."

Someone in the back yelled "Fuck you, Jeremy!" but for the most part, everyone took to standing very still. The ceiling ended up not collapsing, but when we looked the next day, there were cracks in the ceiling that were very definitely not there the day before.

Two: For some reason, the Witch House had a pumpkin growing out front. It was sort of a small, sad pumpkin, and there was only one, but it was our pumpkin.

Halloween rolled around, and we figured we should make it into a jack-o-lantern. I'm not quite sure why we didn't just carve it up with a knife like normal people, but we didn't. Maybe we didn't have a knife (a very real possibility), or we just didn't feel like going to the effort (an even more likely possibility). What we did was use SCIENCE to decorate the pumpkin. SCIENCE, here, is defined as "hooking the pumpkin up to the 9000 volt transformer we lit cigarettes off of and using electricity to burn "Witch House" onto the pumpkin." Interestingly, because we didn't carve it out, it lasted a really really long time out on our doorstep.

Three: I had totally forgotten about this one, but someone yesterday reminded me of it. As some of you know, I was raised Mormon. When I lived in the Witch House, it was the first time I had lived away from my parents, so I was still nervous about them finding out about my debauched ways.

One day, they were coming over for some reason, and I didn't want them to know I drank beer. The living room floor was covered in beer cans. Knowing that my parents were coming over shortly and thinking fast, we shoved all the beer cans, cigarette packs, etc. under the couch. This didn't work as well as you might think it would, seeing as the couch was visibly tilting at maybe a 20 degree angle. We had someone lay on it, and my parents didn't say anything about it.

Four: We were a lazy bunch at the Witch House. One might say that sitting around or partying was pretty much all we ever did. There was one thing we tried really hard to always do, though. We might not waste money on frivolous things like "food", but we'd always make sure we were up at 1pm. We weren't getting up that early for no reason, though, or even a stupid reason like "going to work". Nope, we wanted to watch the greatest show ever to be shown on television: "Breaker High". If you never got the chance to see this ground breaking work, it was a show sort of like 90210 or "Saved By the Bell", but at SEA. Needless to say, we couldn't miss this piece of quality television. There would be days where I'd be laying it bed after having been up until 6am or whatever, and I'd hear a banging at my door. "Dude, wake up! Breaker High's on!" Those words would raise the dead, assuming the dead care about quality television.

< Nostalgia | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
True Stories of the Witch House, vol. 2 | 2 comments (2 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I guess you didn't have to by calla (2.00 / 0) #1 Sat Sep 23, 2006 at 10:23:27 AM EST
worry about a security deposit? Our landlord is going to have a fit about our hanging shelves on the wall.

Good work on the beer cans under the couch - although it would have been more like a sitcom if your folks had sat down and the couch had gone "crunch".

Breaker High? - was that a local show?

"but i have a vested interest in keeping the people who see me naked interested in continuing to see me naked." 256

For the record by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #2 Sun Sep 24, 2006 at 01:58:39 PM EST
I have never been "high".

Oh no, not I. 

That was pure fiction.


True Stories of the Witch House, vol. 2 | 2 comments (2 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback