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Wizards and Hobbits
By Bob Abooey (Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:14:09 AM EST) All this and much much more! (all tags)
The B.A.D.TM

Another award winning episode of Cooking With Bob



It would seem some Muslim Fundamentalists tried to shut down my HuSi account, but fear not, I've defeated them and re-taken control! Indeed, it takes more than a handful of Islamic Fascists to stop an Internet SuperHero!! BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And thanks be to God I'm back as I've got what will certainly be the most talked about HuSi cooking episode of ALL TIME. Home-made Veggie Pizza!!!

First, as always, get all your crap ready to go. There's nothing worse than making a gourmet dish only to find out you forgot to buy something, so lay it all out and make sure you've got all the ingredients:

Take note, the Betty Crocker crust mix is just a prop, I made it from scratch, okay, so just cram all those "you should have made the crust from scratch blah blah blah" comments, okay? Okay. Next, lets chop up all the veggies. I'm going with olives, onions, peppers, tomatoes and some zingy pepper rings, plus some fat-free mozzarella cheese. Of course you can put whatever you want on your pizza, but since this is my pizza, I'm putting what I want on it. Okay? So chop chop chop and cram all your toppings in a little bowl. Of course I only use home-made bowls as those are the best.

Mmmmmm. Next you whip up the dough. Just follow the directions and you can't go wrong. Here's a shot of my dough rising in a bowl. Note, that's a home-made towel that I knitted myself, those are the best towels to use when covering home-made dough.

Next you slop some grease on the pizza sheet and slather the crust stuff all over it. I like doughy pizza's so I always double the crust part so it's nice and thick.

ADVANCED COOKING TOPIC - If you're new to cooking you may want to skip this as it's a rather advanced technique. Right. As my crust is thick I've found it best to partially pre-cook the crust prior to putting any toppings on it:

I usually give it about 5 or 6 minutes then take it out and start with the toppings. But first you want to put on your pizza sauce. Of course I made mine from scratch, with ingredients that were all grown from scratch and whatnot:

Mmmmmmm. Next you dump all your toppings on. Mmmmmm.

Mmmmmmm. Then you put the cheese on and it's ready for the oven!!

Make sure you have the proper temperature or you'll end up with a crap pizza. I usually go by looks and not by time when deciding to take it out. Let the crust get brown then yank that baby out.

Wooooo!! It's almost dinner time!! Note - the fat free cheese doesn't cook up so well, but it tastes okay, so while it's not the best cheese option it works okay if you're trying to live forever and whatnot.

And now it's time to eat! Bon Apetit!

And that concludes this very special episode of Cooking With Bob. Be sure to tune in next week when I show you how to feed a family of 20 with nothing more than 6 Zagnut candy bars and a quart of Sugar Free fruit punch!

< observational morning | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
I woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand | 45 comments (45 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Good work for a first try! by DesiredUsername (4.00 / 1) #1 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:21:31 AM EST
Next time, you may want to:



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Blasphemy! by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #3 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:26:38 AM EST
You can go back to baking sand you silly man, you're waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of your league here in the realm of baking edible food!

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Au contraire by DesiredUsername (4.00 / 1) #8 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:33:26 AM EST
(when arguing it is OK to use French)

How many women have you drawn with your "pizza"? How many children clamor for more at your house? I think I'll let my record stand for itself.

However, you've made some good first steps. Flour and sliced banana peppers (or whatever those are) are two of the basic ingredia for real pizza.

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Now accepting suggestions for a new sigline

[ Parent ]
LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #13 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:38:09 AM EST
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
So bob by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #2 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:22:06 AM EST
have you repented from your green pepper ways ? I see a nice yummy red pepper there..

Other hints: spinach works well on a pizza. Though better to stir-fry it first to wilt-down. (Can cook it with the onions and pepper, if you like them soft too). The spicy pepericinos (whatever they're called) sold in the deli area with the fancy olives, those peppers rock.

Fresh mozz (in water) is quite tasty, but not fat-free. Other cheeses that are good: Fontina, 'real' parmesian.

I skip the sauce, just makes the pizza soggy. And lots of basil/oregano.. Little spice garden outside, 2 plants, you're set.

Didn't I ban you for a week? by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #6 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:29:33 AM EST
Look, you can put whatever toppings you want on your pizza when you make your own pizza.

Okay? And no, I'm not changing peppers, it's just that the store was out of green ones, so I was forced to buy an inferior red one. QED.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Well, see, bob by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #9 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:33:48 AM EST
I have this dupe account, but I forgot my password to it.. And sure enough, I got 2 emails with a new password..

However, unlike some other mentally challeneged folks, I was able to login with the second password it sent me. But I had already posted a comment. rest assured, I'll now troll you with my other accounts.. hahah.

[ Parent ]
wha by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #32 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:05:32 AM EST
The way to avoid soggy crust is not to leave off the sauce—that's like cutting off your nose to spite your face, or violating civil liberties in the name of defending freedom—but to place between sauce and crust a layer of non-water-soluble insulation. Any hydrophobic substance will work, especially if it is oily and tastes like olives.

[ Parent ]
Hmmm by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #33 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:09:08 AM EST
Or you can partially pre-bake the crust.

That said, I'll have to try this olive-oil idea, it sounds interesting, do you just dab a little bit on the crust before dumping the sauce on it?

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
All depends on your methods by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #35 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:26:11 AM EST
I make generic sourdough 'dough'. Cut off a part for pizza after the first rise, hard roll out to flat, oil, put lots of holes in it and bake for 10 mins, at 450. That gets the crust ready.

Then add toppings and re-bake. Don't be a dolt and oil after the first baking, took 2 days for the fingers to feel better. Also sprinkle the pan with corn flour for good texture/taste. Back in for another 10 minutes at 450.

So I get oil and partial baked crust, and a thin crust tends to not sog, and support the weight of lots of toppings.

We'll get soggy if we dump cut too many cut up tomatoes on the pizza or too much fresh mozz. But I will never use tomato sauce on my pizza. Cheese, spices (garlic, crushed red pepper, basil, oregano, thyme) and veggies.

[ Parent ]
Not bad, Bob by DullTrev (4.00 / 4) #4 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:27:05 AM EST

But with such a nice, thick crust, you really need something to dip it in. May I suggest using hummus, the exciting foodstuff that is a great all-rounder, and is yummy to boot!


--
DFJ?
I'll take that under advisement by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #12 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:35:06 AM EST
Say, perhaps you didn't see it, but The UK has big screen TV's on sale!!

BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Apparently by DullTrev (2.00 / 0) #14 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:38:13 AM EST

What I really needed to steer clear of were tents. Who knew?


--
DFJ?
[ Parent ]
When you're ready for something more advanced by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #5 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:29:31 AM EST
I recommend a white pizza, with sundried tomatoes and basil on top.


Capital idea! by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:32:46 AM EST
I'll have to grow some sundried tomatoes for use with the next one.

rere: I had loads of basil cooked in the crust.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
racist (nt) by DesiredUsername (2.00 / 0) #11 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:34:17 AM EST
Also, basil is one of the other basic pizza ingredia. In the crust is a great place to put it, too.

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[ Parent ]
White pizza... by superdiva (2.00 / 0) #22 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 06:01:47 AM EST
I have my own version of "white pizza": I'm not fond of red sauce although I'll eat it with most pizzas.  When I make my own pizza, I get the shrink-wrapped crust, alfredo sauce, fatty mozzarella cheese, and fresh spinach, and maybe mushrooms depending on what mood I'm in.

_________________________________________________
Psych-E.org
[ Parent ]
I cheat, I buy bottles of a white pizza/sub sauce by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #23 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 06:09:47 AM EST
mostly olive oil with garlic and herbs and cheese all mixed up in it. Salty and tasty.


[ Parent ]
What kind by paperdoll (2.00 / 0) #26 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 07:19:09 AM EST
do you get and where?  My Mom's allergic to tomatoes and is always looking for a good white sauce for pizzas.

[ Parent ]
I forget by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #27 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 07:24:00 AM EST
but I will look when I get home tonight.


[ Parent ]
Beano's of Pittsburg by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #44 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 02:36:43 PM EST
Thanks by paperdoll (2.00 / 0) #45 Wed Sep 13, 2006 at 02:54:39 AM EST
I'll see if it's available in my Mom's area or available online

[ Parent ]
Low fat cheese? by wiredog (4.00 / 2) #10 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:34:16 AM EST
What can I say. I've lost all respect for your alleged cooking prowess. Only tairists, EuroTrash, and Leftist Weenies put low fat "cheese" on a pizza.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

For the record by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #15 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:40:26 AM EST
It's ZERO fat cheese. I wanted low-fat stuff but they didn't have any and I didn't feel like running all about towne looking for some.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Whatever it is... by wiredog (4.00 / 2) #17 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:44:52 AM EST
it ain't chesse.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
Europeans?!? by nebbish (4.00 / 3) #18 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:48:45 AM EST
We're effette when it comes to a lot of things, but don't fuck with our cheese.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Except in Scotland by DesiredUsername (4.00 / 3) #20 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:54:28 AM EST
No wait, I thought you said "sheep".

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[ Parent ]
some of us like fitting through doors by alprazolam (2.00 / 0) #39 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:44:21 AM EST
anybody can make something taste good when you're loading it up with fat and sugar...the real trick is to make something taste good without all that garbage.

[ Parent ]
My Grandma used to be make weird pizza by nebbish (4.00 / 2) #16 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:42:17 AM EST
With quartered whole tomatoes on a sort of scone base. It wasn't a pizza by any stretch of the imagination, but it tasted really, really good.

Oh and Bob - you forgot to hand build your wood-fired pizza oven, and bought one from the shop instead. -1

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It's political correctness gone mad!

My mum claims scone based pizza is pizza. by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #25 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 07:11:21 AM EST
She's wrong, although it is tasty.

[ Parent ]
As my what? by gpig (2.00 / 0) #19 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:49:44 AM EST
As my crust is think I've found it best ....

Your crust is think? This can mean only one thing — you are such an intellectual giant that your pizzas have a base of solidified philosophy.

I am in awe.
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(,   ,') -- eep

Good catch! by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #21 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 05:59:57 AM EST
I've fixed it. No wonder everyone has been so confused and unable to make relevant comments!

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
What the... by notafurry (4.00 / 1) #24 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 06:51:34 AM EST
Is that a fork?!

What kind of sick bastard are you?!

Er... by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #28 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 07:28:07 AM EST
What, pray tell, should I use to eat it with? A spoon? A knife?? A spork?

I mean, it's too top-heavy to eat by hand so a utensil is a necessity here.

Damn rookie, anyone who has ever made a decent pizza would have known that.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Amen. by skippy (2.00 / 0) #36 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:37:43 AM EST
I'm not the only crazy bastard out there who occasionally uses a fork to eat pizza!

[ Parent ]
You fail it! by notafurry (2.00 / 0) #41 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 09:27:02 AM EST
Even Chicago style pizza - much more top-heavy than your feeble attempt - can be eaten by hand, if it's made properly.

The secret is to glue it together with cheese and sauce. Apparently no-fat plastic is insufficient for this task.

[ Parent ]
Balderdash by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #43 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 10:05:37 AM EST
A complete and total fabrication of the truth!

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
garbage pizza by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #29 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 07:49:20 AM EST
I like to clean out the leftovers in the 'fridge by making "garbage pizza" - use whatever I can find as a topping.

mmmmm, tasty!

I also bake my crust from scratch.  I prefer to make whole-wheat pizza crusts.  Hooray for the kitchen-aid mixer!!

That wouldn't work for me by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #31 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 07:59:51 AM EST
Unless you like bread or soy milk as a topping.

I'm not a big left-over kinda guy.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
sorta ok by dev trash (4.00 / 2) #30 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 07:56:15 AM EST
needs more mushrooms.

--
Blizzard of Death '06
Heathen! Infidel! by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #34 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:18:19 AM EST
One does not glop dough. One kneads dough. One lets it rest and rise. One punches dough down. One lets dough rise a second time. Then one gently flattens it out and -- this is really important here -- one stretches it out to its final form. One does not roll it with a rolling pin or any other object nor does one smoosh it around.

Dough is stretched by playing pat-a-cake with the dough until it's somewhat flat. It's then tossed between hands to further flatten it. Dough is then supported by the outsides of curled fingers, allowed to hang from said curled fingers which are slowly drawn away from each other, with one hand dropping slightly to allow the other to slowly turn the dough in a circle before coming up to stretch the next bit.

Chicken and bloccori you may know well, but when it comes to pizza, you are a tairist.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

The pictures don't lie my friend by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #38 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:41:20 AM EST
That pizza pie would take top honours at any state fair and you know it.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Wax fruit looks good, too. by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #42 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 10:03:31 AM EST
The taste leaves something to be desired, as does the texture.

Warmest regards.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
Bob, by garlic (4.00 / 1) #37 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:38:47 AM EST
let me be the first to say that I think your pizza looks tasty, and that I approve of your pre-baking the crust idea. I don't know what's wrong with all these other nay-sayers.


Not bad by debacle (2.00 / 0) #40 Tue Sep 12, 2006 at 08:54:25 AM EST
But your product doesn't really resemble pizza that much.

There's no meat, for one.

Doesn't look like you used any spices at all. Where's the garlic, the basil?

With the Betty Crocker stuff I use 2 TBS of minced garlic per 3 packages (2 pizzas) and 3 TBS of basil. Mix it before you add the water. A little olive oil is good too, but I usually have an olive-oil layer between the crust and the sauce.

Your 'cheese' is atrocious. Real cheese > fake cheese. No cheese > fake cheese. You can substitute hummus or go without.

Your layering skills need work, too. Tomatos go below the cheese, so they cook through better. Onions should be sauteed first but if not, they go on top. Green olives on top, black on the bottom. This isn't apartheid it's good culinary sense. Peppers can go top or bottom - top for better flavor, bottom for texture.

Jarred peppers do not a real pizza make. You want this pizza to come out like acidic napalm, right? For that you need some really fucking hardcore shit. A cup of chiles diced finely and then sauteed for a few seconds. Add the chiles under the cheese (so the whole fucking pizza is like fiery pain) and mix the juices in with the sauce.

It's not real pizza unless you're crying on the toilet the next day.

Next time we can try and work in some meat, but for now follow these easy steps.

Also of note: The betty crocker shit sucks. Any good store (Wegmans here) will have half-frozen uncooked bags of pizza dough. Just let the dough thaw until the entire bag is full of yeasty goodness, pull it out of the bag and pound it out. The flavor is a lot better and the crust is a lot thicker. They sometimes even have whole wheat dough, which is nice.


IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

I woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand | 45 comments (45 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback