Print Story Cracking the Egg
Diary
By 2 plus 3 equals 5 (Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 01:33:42 PM EST) (all tags)
Yep, I wrote it.  It's odd to win the first one I entered.

I don't log in often, and don't comment much, mostly because I tend to only want to say something that comes from the most asshole part of my innate jerk. 



I started writing the story using the leather vest with a phoenix embroidered on it that a friend of mine wears.  He's known by it at professional conferences. His daughter picked it out for him at the Topsfield fair, or some such event with random vendor booths.  I started the story as being something about the daughter being dead, but it did not sit right.  I'd be taking a living person and killing them off, and a kid to boot.

Further down the page I wrote the first line of the story that became Egg.  It was done in two bouts.  It needs more editing than it got (none, and no outside eyes, which I deem essential).  Direct references to HuSi might have had a blatant pandering element, and I"ve been rightfully slammed for it.  I almost named the guy after a real user, but that would have gone too far. 

Thanks to those of you who voted for it, able to see beyond the parts that went klunk.  I think the competition was stiff, and I still think She Said is better.

So by the rules of the game I get to host the next one.  I'll give it a week or so, but not so long that the deadline interferes with NaNoWriMo.

I've been writing fiction off and on for about 10 years.  I appreciate the crits and the compliments.  Maybe it's time to start shopping stories.

So, er, thanks.  I'll go be embarrassed over there for a while.

< Boring Day at Work? Check. | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
Cracking the Egg | 20 comments (20 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Agreeing with you: by toxicfur (2.00 / 0) #1 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 01:46:17 PM EST
I liked "She Said" best, but "Egg" was a very close runner up. You managed to take something of a cliche and make it compelling. You should post more often.
--
The amount of suck that you can put up with can be mind-boggling, but it only really hits you when it then ceases to suck. -- Kellnerin
Half agreeing with you by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (4.00 / 1) #9 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 04:18:08 PM EST
She Said was better.  As for posting more, HuSi has enough obvious trolls and blatant asshole characters.

-- Do the math.
[ Parent ]
Interesting assholes by toxicfur (2.00 / 1) #12 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 04:34:06 PM EST
tend to be entertaining. Your writing is good enough that I think you'd be entertaining. I stand by my earlier comment, and, as my partner has come to understand, I'm nearly always right.
--
The amount of suck that you can put up with can be mind-boggling, but it only really hits you when it then ceases to suck. -- Kellnerin
[ Parent ]
So you aren't a newbie? by calla (2.00 / 0) #14 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 05:06:24 PM EST

"but i have a vested interest in keeping the people who see me naked interested in continuing to see me naked." 256

[ Parent ]
UID under 1K at least by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #15 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 05:52:40 PM EST
Not so much a newbie as a sometime lurker.  Like I said, I've been working on practicing "If you can't say something nice, don't sy anything at all" and not even logging in.

-- Do the math.
[ Parent ]
why be embarrassed? by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #2 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 01:53:30 PM EST
So far, every Writing Fun Challenge winner has been a WFC neophyte. Fresh blood is a good thing. You absolutely nailed the theme with an entertaining story. Each round I pick out a handful of stories to give my husband to read, including mine -- this time yours was his pick. I'd like to see more stuff from you; your critiques of the stories didn't strike me as innately jerk-y.

No need to rush into the next one right away ... I think both writers and readers need some downtime to bounce back, and there's plenty of time before November.

--
Do not misuse.

I restrained myself by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #10 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 04:21:33 PM EST
Although, for some reason when I see your .sig I think you mean the Oxford comma.

And, er, thanks. 

-- Do the math.

[ Parent ]
how do you by Kellnerin (2.00 / 0) #16 Sat Sep 02, 2006 at 04:42:49 AM EST
"misuse" the Oxford comma? You either do or you don't, is my understanding. I prefer to use it myself, but if you don't favor it that's cool, as long as you're consistent.

--
Do not misuse.
[ Parent ]
but I'm not by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #17 Sun Sep 03, 2006 at 05:53:58 AM EST
I abuse the privilege and choose to use it when it lends meaning or  makes the phrasing work better.

-- Do the math.
[ Parent ]
well, by Kellnerin (2.00 / 0) #18 Sun Sep 03, 2006 at 06:21:18 AM EST
that's an issue between you and your copyeditor, then. That you interpret "Do not misuse" in that context says something ferry eenterestink about you ... sometimes a .sig is just a .sig.

--
Do not misuse.
[ Parent ]
accents by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (4.00 / 1) #19 Mon Sep 04, 2006 at 11:21:45 AM EST
Now I think you look like Sgt. Schultz.


-- Do the math.
[ Parent ]
so by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #3 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 02:13:28 PM EST
why anon when it is all anon for the relevant part?

why? by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (4.00 / 1) #8 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 03:56:49 PM EST
Dunno.  I mean, if I had not had more of my tick boxes checked than others, it wouldn't matter.  But it seems the rules of the game are that if you "win" you have to host the next one.  Leaving the party without a host seemed rude even by my low standards.

-- Do the math.
[ Parent ]
Oh boy by debacle (2.00 / 0) #4 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 02:17:24 PM EST
I'm not going to say who I thought it was. I'd rather not hurt your feelings.

IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

You thought it was Woodrow Wilson too eh? by Scrymarch (4.00 / 1) #5 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 03:12:30 PM EST
It was all the flame imagery that threw me.

The Political Science Department of the University of Woolloomooloo

[ Parent ]
... by debacle (2.00 / 0) #6 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 03:14:02 PM EST
?

IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
Oh by Scrymarch (4.00 / 3) #7 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 03:29:45 PM EST
So it was just me then.

The Political Science Department of the University of Woolloomooloo

[ Parent ]
Yeah, right. by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #11 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 04:28:52 PM EST
My feelings are such a delicate flower. Pardon me while I mince across the floor.  PM me, if you don't want to say in public who you thought it was.  It ain't gonna bother me.

I don't mind a review of "meh" if you say why.   If you tell me why it was "meh", I might learn something.

-- Do the math.

[ Parent ]
Some people might have been thrown off by debacle (4.00 / 1) #13 Fri Sep 01, 2006 at 04:38:03 PM EST
By the HuSi references. They really got under my skin. They always do, I guess.

I also didn't like the inhuman interactions of the phoenix. She seemed to be very one dimensional. Her actions didn't seem to have a lot of basis and you didn't really develop her.

I also thought the masturbation bit was a little gratuitous. It defined the protagonist a little bit (desperate, depraved), but it really didn't make the story any more real. The story wasn't about him, after all - he could have been anyone.


IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
reply by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #20 Tue Sep 05, 2006 at 08:00:26 AM EST
Okay. This is why I prefer to have other people read stories before I do anything with them. They catch where I've failed.
... the HuSi references. They really got under my skin. They always do, I guess."
Yep, that was gratuitous, except that Dan and the unnamed protagonist knew each other IRL, but were HuSites. Dan's excuse to himself for staying at watching the fire was to post pictures online. I could have picked another online venue.
I also didn't like the inhuman interactions of the phoenix. She seemed to be very one dimensional. Her actions didn't seem to have a lot of basis and you didn't really develop her.
Inhuman is what I shot for, or at least only partly human. Imitation human. No one seemed to notice that she only started looking part human after she bit him, by the way. She's born knowing how to be a pheonix, but all she knows of the world of humans is his apartment and taste in TV in a week's experience. How sophisticated and deep can a one-week-old be? So, I'll take the hit that I could have conveyed it better, but she's stuck with limited knowledge and her only way out is the way she took.
I also thought the masturbation bit was a little gratuitous. It defined the protagonist a little bit (desperate, depraved), but it really didn't make the story any more real.
Hmm. I never thought desperate or depraved, more typical undersocialized geek that doesn't get laid enough. But that's the turning point for the phoenix, where there interactions changed from something relatively positive, her taking humanized form and trying to understand humans, to the abrasion in the story. It was fine before that.
The story wasn't about him, after all - he could have been anyone.
He's a bit more fleshed out in my mind, but he was unnamed on purpose. It was meant to be their story, not his or hers. Also, Dan's name is only used by the police in the last section; Dan becomes the generic 'he'. Also, the style changed there because Dan's story with the phoenix is a different one.

Now I've surfaced all the subtext. With more time and a longer word-limit it would have been better, and it would be better if I re-wrote it after this exchange. You probably still wouldn't like it.

-- Do the math.

[ Parent ]
Cracking the Egg | 20 comments (20 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback