I broke up with Claire.
I own a flat.
I am totally broke.
So, am pretty sad about the first part. I really, really believed and wanted this to be it. I can't really explain what went wrong, it wasn't one thing or another so much, just an underlying feeling of not-quite-rightness, which I had put down to the initial weirdness of the situation - of getting back with someone after so long.
I am genuinely not sure if I have done the right thing. I know that I was not sure we should be together.
I have the horrible feeling that during 18 months of accepting fate and trying to get over it, I just did. I don't even think it was that long ago, either. During post mortem conversations with best friend, he explained to me that in the few months leading up to Claire and I getting back, I finally seemed to be getting my happiness back and snapped out of my moping. Maybe I just got over her. Or got used to being alone.
Or, I could have just made the biggest mistake of my life. But, the one thing I know, is that she deserves someone who can treat her better than an unsure Alex.
I will always regret this decision because unfortunately for me it really isn't black and white. I love her dearly, as a friend and as a person, but I think I know deep down I am not convinced she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with as a partner and with our past, there was not really another option. I could easily have settled down with her but feel that being honest with myself and her was the right thing to do.
Another regret is that perhaps this wouldn't have happened if we had got back together sooner, maybe too much water had flowed under the bridge. My biggest regret is that there is every chance she will never speak to me again and I have lost her totally from my life. I hope I get the chance to tell her all this at some point and that we can both come to a bit of peace. I would like her understanding and forgiveness, that I realised too late that my love for her was honest but just not that of a lover, in the end. I don't want to lose her, there are so few people I truly care about and she is one of the most important.
I feel desperately, desperately sad about the situation and truly worried about her, as I know she will be looking to find fault in herself for a reason. I have told her I want to talk to her whenever she is ready but I guess she is too hurt/angry right now, because she isn't replying.
I am very scared that if I couldn't be happy with her, I will never find someone who will make me truly happy.
So, thats that. No more mooning over C anymore. I have to start enjoying my life on my own, not spend it wanting someone who will make me happy depsite myself. I am not sure I will ever find peace and happiness in a relationship unless I can find it on my own.
In other news, the 9 month flat buying saga is finally complete. Although pleased to have done it, the first lot of news took the wind out of the sails slightly. Compounded by the lack of money which means I am now completely skint with another month till payday. This is not good. Particularly as I could do with keeping myself a bit busy rather than sitting thinking on my own.
Still, a friend has been pretty much told to leave his parents in a couple of weeks (they don't dislike him, they just feel he will never leave). I have told him he can move in till the new year, which will generate a bit of cash and give me a bit of company.
Thats it folks.
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