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Diary
By Alice Pulley (Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 05:02:53 AM EST) (all tags)
Wow. Been a pretty funking intense couple of weeks.


So these things have happened:

I broke up with Claire.
I own a flat.
I am totally broke.

So, am pretty sad about the first part. I really, really believed and wanted this to be it. I can't really explain what went wrong, it wasn't one thing or another so much, just an underlying feeling of not-quite-rightness, which I had put down to the initial weirdness of the situation - of getting back with someone after so long.

I am genuinely not sure if I have done the right thing. I know that I was not sure we should be together.

I have the horrible feeling that during 18 months of accepting fate and trying to get over it, I just did. I don't even think it was that long ago, either. During post mortem conversations with best friend, he explained to me that in the few months leading up to Claire and I getting back, I finally seemed to be getting my happiness back and snapped out of my moping. Maybe I just got over her. Or got used to being alone.

Or, I could have just made the biggest mistake of my life. But, the one thing I know, is that she deserves someone who can treat her better than an unsure Alex.

I will always regret this decision because unfortunately for me it really isn't black and white. I love her dearly, as a friend and as a person, but I think I know deep down I am not convinced she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with as a partner and with our past, there was not really another option. I could easily have settled down with her but feel that being honest with myself and her was the right thing to do.

Another regret is that perhaps this wouldn't have happened if we had got back together sooner, maybe too much water had flowed under the bridge. My biggest regret is that there is every chance she will never speak to me again and I have lost her totally from my life. I hope I get the chance to tell her all this at some point and that we can both come to a bit of peace. I would like her understanding and forgiveness, that I realised too late that my love for her was honest but just not that of a lover, in the end. I don't want to lose her, there are so few people I truly care about and she is one of the most important.

I feel desperately, desperately sad about the situation and truly worried about her, as I know she will be looking to find fault in herself for a reason. I have told her I want to talk to her whenever she is ready but I guess she is too hurt/angry right now, because she isn't replying.

I am very scared that if I couldn't be happy with her, I will never find someone who will make me truly happy.

So, thats that. No more mooning over C anymore. I have to start enjoying my life on my own, not spend it wanting someone who will make me happy depsite myself. I am not sure I will ever find peace and happiness in a relationship unless I can find it on my own.

In other news, the 9 month flat buying saga is finally complete. Although pleased to have done it, the first lot of news took the wind out of the sails slightly. Compounded by the lack of money which means I am now completely skint with another month till payday. This is not good. Particularly as I could do with keeping myself a bit busy rather than sitting thinking on my own.

Still, a friend has been pretty much told to leave his parents in a couple of weeks (they don't dislike him, they just feel he will never leave). I have told him he can move in till the new year, which will generate a bit of cash and give me a bit of company.

Thats it folks.

< Doldrums And Mondays Always Get Me Down | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
Whoa. | 14 comments (14 topical, 0 hidden)
Just to get the knife in by DullTrev (4.00 / 1) #1 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 05:19:13 AM EST

AHA!

I'll do you an actual human response later, mate. Chin up, and such like.


--
DFJ?
Meh. by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #2 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 05:26:02 AM EST
I know the old 'never go back' rule, but I just thought things would be different.

Its not devastation I feel, just sadness, at what might have been and at how shes feeling.

Ho hum.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Really sorry by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #3 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 06:02:09 AM EST
With it being that complex I feel you've probably done the right thing.

Good luck with the flat - great timing in making a fresh start!

--------
It's political correctness gone mad!

admit it by TPD (4.00 / 1) #4 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 06:19:10 AM EST
you held off telling us till you were certain that the Borg wasn't about anymore....

As to whether it's the right or wrong decission I've no idea, beyond the fact it seems a definite decission as opposed to the sort of half way house you were in before - which has to be good. Here's hoping we don't have to get out Clink jar again!

why sit, when you can sit and swivel with The Ab-SwivellerTM

I'm just trying... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #11 Wed Aug 30, 2006 at 01:42:41 AM EST
...to call him home.

This is absolutely final. Whatever doubts I have (and as I said, I am not completely sure I have done the right thing) she would never ever consider it again.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
That isn't much fun by lm (4.00 / 1) #5 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 06:26:10 AM EST
I hope things work out.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
Reassurance by jump the ladder (4.00 / 3) #6 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 06:39:19 AM EST
Girls come and go but a morgage is for 25 years...

I do believe by anonimouse (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 07:35:28 AM EST
..that sig is mine! Mine I tell you!!

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
[ Parent ]
Relationship Diary Season by anonimouse (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 07:51:49 AM EST
Is it my imagination, or does there seems to have been an upsurge on these type of diaries after a summer hiatus?

Looks like CU is setting us up for entertainment, molasses is going for it, and ....

There's only really been clock and stacky and one can only stand so much gooey treacle....


Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
Ouch. by Metatone (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Aug 29, 2006 at 11:53:30 AM EST
The hard choices we make define us, so they say.

Chin up and good luck.

"Friend" by idiot boy (4.00 / 1) #10 Wed Aug 30, 2006 at 12:10:42 AM EST
Will still be there when hell freezes over. If he's mooched off his old dears long enough to end their patience, I guarentee he'll work his way through yours in short order.

He'll probably shit on your pillow too.

Good luck getting over C (again). Don't worry about not finding "the one" too much (or at all). I find that taking each day as it comes is a far more productive approach to life.

Nah... by Alice Pulley (4.00 / 1) #12 Wed Aug 30, 2006 at 01:46:55 AM EST
...I genuinely trust him and have already firmly established the ground rules. We also have a mutual friend who wants to get a place and the 2 of them are already in preliminary discussions to rent a place together in Jan. So, should be fine.

Thus fate, I tempt thee.

I'll get over it, I just feel sad this time, not devasted, or like going out and getting obliterated. I guess I always believed in the back of my mind we'd end up together, that that was some kind of safety net I had and now I'm just falling through life.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Congratulations!!! by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #13 Wed Aug 30, 2006 at 10:50:38 AM EST
What?

Just because everyone else is focussing on the breakup means I can't mention the owning the flat?

It's sad to hear about you and C, but don't forget (please tick one or more)

Remember, take it easy, enjoy yourself, hang out with your long haired games-programming friend with the two kiddies who's just moved back to this country, etc, etc.

That's it, I've run out of sage, wise advice.

Was good to hear from you again.

Oh, and good to see you take people in when their parents get fed up of them. Any chance you'll have a vacancy in 6 months? (Actually, plans are I'll be sorted out by then.)

Hmmm... by codemonkey uk (2.00 / 0) #14 Thu Aug 31, 2006 at 03:20:32 AM EST
I'd like to say "afraid of commitment", but you just got a morgage, so thats not exactly true.

Hmmmm...

PS: Whatever happened about that J5 gig?

--- Thad ---
Almost as Smart As you.

Whoa. | 14 comments (14 topical, 0 hidden)