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By ni (Fri Aug 25, 2006 at 06:36:18 PM EST) moving, contemplative cowwqas (all tags)
Disjoint thoughts on endings. Music for a Friday night.


(Editor's note: For full effect, background music here.)

The ability of music to trigger vivid memories is so well accepted as to be a truism, but this does not make it any less potent. I'm melancholy tonight after casual mention of a song on #husi jammed it into my head, where it has seemingly braced itself against my cranium walls in an effort to avoid removal. Music seems to have the power to provoke feelings long removed from the context that created them; orphan feelings existing without sane causes. It helps us remember, so damning when the struggle is to forget. I shouldn't be so delicate. I have been beaten around by a song.

I feel delicate for other reasons too, lately. Moving is such a painful ordeal. People recommend leaving as much as possible, and this seems wise enough -- the chance for a new start is rare, and not to be squandered. Forcing yourself to remove things -- even petty material ones -- from your life forces a person to take stock, though. If accumulating this isn't what I've accomplished, then what is? What have I done? Have I progressed? Is my situation now better than it was before? I'm financially down from birth, and probably a bit more emotionally confused than I was when I started life. I have the bulk of a degree, for whatever that's worth. I have some friends here, but few I'll miss. There are good memories, but bad ones too. It would be nice if life had a clearer sense of progress to it, or rather, a sense of progress toward something other than death.

Throwing out books is a special pain of its own. I was once told that "books make the best furniture". Throwing out cheap cookware is easy, but getting rid of books -- even when they're off to a good home -- is ripping out a piece of my soul. They'll never love them like I did. Yes, even the ones I didn't get around to reading. Fuck, especially those ones. They had all the promise in the world; the potential to be incredible. To be surrounded by books is to be comfortable. I love everything about them. It seems like most of the people I like best share this affection, and it's comforting sometimes to know that I am not alone in it.

Received a call from my sister tonight, telling me that my mother was upset and that it was my fault. I called her and eventually smoothed things over, but this is but one rippple on a bigger wave. (A local maximum, to put that math minor to some use.) She says that I attack her; that I am vicious in mocking her mistakes; that I act bitterly toward her. She doesn't think I treat her fairly. I know she's right. I am still emotionally broken in some ways, although not without understandable cause, and young Jewish men having mother issues isn't exactly uncommon. It's painful to see in myself such a vicious streak toward someone who treats me so kindly. (My favorite scene in Hamlet is the hallway scene, in which Hamlet mercilessly attacks Ophelia, and she replies with only honesty, love and concern. It's the scene that redeems her, an otherwise kind of ditzy manipulated character. Ophelia is pure in a way that no one else in the play is, and it is this purity that makes her beautiful.)

My tea is done. Back to packing.

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Exodus | 4 comments (4 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
books. by aphrael (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Aug 25, 2006 at 09:41:12 PM EST
i surround myself with books sort of without even thinking about it; when i'm not watching it carefully, books are my largest non-rent non-food expenditure.

hell, even when i am watching it carefully.

jared complains a lot about it; he doesn't share the love of books. :(

good luck, and good travelling to you, my friend; and may the new city and the new life be everything you hope for.

HUG

If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

Awww by ana (4.00 / 1) #2 Sat Aug 26, 2006 at 02:28:23 AM EST
*hugs* to you, and best wishes for the next chapter in your life. Moving is hard, and i've done probably more than my share. There'll be new people, new things to do, and yes, new books, but they're never quite up to replacing the old ones.

Mothers are resilient people. You'll figure out how to interact as adults one day; most people do. And yet, for her, you'll always be six, you'll always be twelve.

Thanks for the soundtrack.

Can you introspect out loud? --CRwM

Waits wants to mess you up. by calla (2.00 / 0) #3 Sat Aug 26, 2006 at 06:34:19 AM EST
That's his specialty.

You are searching for a purpose? Good for you - you are way ahead of the curve. I've found help in my search by reading Wayne Dyer's books. His work is powerful.

I've been criticized/berated by some on this forum for expressing some of what I've learned from Mr. Dyer. But I've benefited - its only natural that I'd want to share.

"but i have a vested interest in keeping the people who see me naked interested in continuing to see me naked." 256

Tell your mother by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Aug 28, 2006 at 02:21:49 PM EST
I said she's a whiny cow full of shit. And when she cries about that smack her up both sides f her head -- also from me.

Exodus | 4 comments (4 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback