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Pres. Bill Clinton, System Administrator

Imagine one of those porcelain bobble-head figures mounted on the dashboard of a 1944 Jeep driving 90mph over, say, the lunar-like lava fields of Iceland. That's pretty much what my noggin looks like today as I repeatedly smash it into the my-head-shaped-dent in front of my keyboard, high atop Munich on the first floor of the Panopticon.

1) Please let me know, what is the meaning of “YES” under "CHANGES REQUIRED" column in patch installation document.
Gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! <thunk!>

x-posted from the blog



Maybe it was the full moon on Tuesday, but this ticket was submitted last month.

He also asked:

2) Do we need to do all the config changes mentioned as “YES” in the list?
No, not really. We only wrote that because we like making our customers do a lot of busywork. You see, it not only makes them feel special but it also requires companies to keep more admins on staff. This keeps admins in general short supply and thus props up our ridiculous salary demands.

But that's not the only one, not by a longshot.

Hi,

We ran chkdsk on our File System Drive, and encountered numerous issues...

Also, please let us know if $YourBigApp files are Windows standards compliant, and if its ok to run chkdsk on our File System Drive and other $YourBigApp drives.

No, dude, we totally bypass the Hardware Abstraction Layer, go straight to the motherboard and write to the drive in a compressed, interleaved trinary format. In order for you to be able to see the files we also replace the Explorer and other Win32 DLLs with our own versions.

Having finished up with Bobo, I came across Leonard's updated ticket. It started a month ago with:

We have an ofices in Asia and they are expiriencing poor application performance.
Our servers are in US.
Do you have any reccomendations?
My first recommendation: give me some info, and I specified what kind of info: traceroutes, pings, network diagrams, router and WAN specs, an Ethereal trace... the usual kind of stuff.
OK. Here is a snapshot of Asia's Reponse time for Friday. Let me know if you need anything else.
The attachment was called "response". Not "response-dot-tee-are-see" or "response-dot-gee-eye-eff", just "response". After some trial-and-error followed by looking at the header with a hex editor it turned out to be a JPEG of nothing but a meaningless two-line graph made by some no-name monitoring software we've never heard of.

Three more tickets in need of my Root Cause 17 in one day.

Also in my mail today was a note from an ex-girlfriend from some years ago who's decided she needs to help me find the right girlfriend. Considering my track record she couldn't really do much worse than I have.

So really what you need is a 5' 86 pound redheaded anorexic Japanese nympho with an Aberdeen accent who's well-read and seriously into kinky sex. I'm supposed to go to Scotland next month so I'll keep my eye out for you.
To take my mind off that odd (and eerily fascinating) image I went back to re-re-reinstalling SQL Server 2005 in the hopes that if I do it often enough it might finally work.
< Egads | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
A Day in the Life | 25 comments (25 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I've never walked a mile in your shoes by lm (4.00 / 1) #1 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 04:04:55 AM EST
But I certainly would never have trusted any of my ex-girlfriends to find a new mate. That would have been certain doom. I generally try to avoid certain doom. For that matter, I generally try to avoid even probable doom and pretty likely doom.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
I dunno by MartiniPhilosopher (2.00 / 0) #11 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 06:59:12 AM EST
Pretty likely doom can be fun in small doses. The problem comes in making sure the doses are small enough. What looks like a wave from the ocean can seem like a tsunami on shore.

Whenever I hear one of those aforementioned douche bags pontificate about how dangerous [...] videogames are I get a little stabby. --Wil Wheaton.

[ Parent ]
does. not. compute. by lm (2.00 / 0) #12 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 07:02:43 AM EST
A small dose of pretty likely doom. Isn't that the same as not very likely doom?

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
NVLD by MartiniPhilosopher (2.00 / 0) #13 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 07:23:43 AM EST
Not really. A small dose of pretty likely doom implies that whatever the small dose of PLD is, it is still doom(ed). NVLD no matter the dose is still not doom(ed).

PLD in a small dose would be jumping off a three foot wall when trying to fly instead of the third floor balcony (standard dose) or out a thirtieth floor window (extra-large dose).

NVLD in no matter the dose is like ordering a burger1. It doesn't matter where or when for the most part. You are NVLDed to fail at getting said burger.

[1]Does not apply in California. It is the only place in the states where saying "I want a burger" is likely to not get said object and instead have something not entirely unlike a burger show up instead.

Whenever I hear one of those aforementioned douche bags pontificate about how dangerous [...] videogames are I get a little stabby. --Wil Wheaton.

[ Parent ]
so you're applying the small dose to the object by lm (2.00 / 0) #15 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 08:10:09 AM EST
And not the modifier of the object as in a small dose of doom (which happens to be pretty likely) rather than a small dose of pretty likely (which happens to be of doom).

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
Correct by MartiniPhilosopher (2.00 / 0) #21 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 08:49:48 AM EST
Much like "peril" is used in the following quotation:


LAUNCELOT:  We were in the nick of time.  You were in great peril.
GALAHAD:  I don't think I was.
LAUNCELOT:  Yes, you were.  You were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD:  Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT:  No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD:  Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
LAUNCELOT:  No, we've got to find the Holy Grail.  Come on!
GALAHAD:  Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT:  No.  It's unhealthy.
GALAHAD:  I bet you're gay.
LAUNCELOT:  No, I'm not.

Whenever I hear one of those aforementioned douche bags pontificate about how dangerous [...] videogames are I get a little stabby. --Wil Wheaton.

[ Parent ]
I hate illiterate Windows developers/support by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #2 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 04:15:07 AM EST
Right after I booted up the laptop, opened up my 8 normal applications, I get this [paraphrased] gem.

Updates have been installed. To complete Installation, you must restart your computer.

Do you want to restart your computer?

YES

What the fuck? Don't pretend you're giving me a choice when you're not. If my only option is to click Yes, why ask? Just be honest, display

Click Yes to restart your computer.


$OurBigApp has many, many stupid menus by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #3 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 04:18:44 AM EST
I'm in the position where I can actually change this and have already begun doing so. I'll probably write this up sometime next week.

woof.

OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
restart by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #9 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 06:27:17 AM EST
For a certain version of our software, the number one complaint was that the installation ended with a box that said "$BigJapaneseApp will now restart your system" with nothing but an "ok" box.

What applications should do is to say "You may not run $App until the system is restarted, restart now? [yes/no]" and put a flag in the registry that prevents the application from being run until a restart.

Microsoft's version is amusing...it let's you say "not now" but then bugs you about it every fifteen minutes.
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

[ Parent ]
The best I could do was move the menu by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #14 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 07:37:54 AM EST
to the side so I could confirm my Firefox close. I have no idea what got updated, anti-virus, OS, soudn card driver?


[ Parent ]
when given the choice by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #18 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 08:21:09 AM EST
i always say 'no'.

half of the apps which say they need to restart your computer will work MOSTLY FINE without it.

If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.

[ Parent ]
Sounds like the kind of GF I'd like to have. by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #4 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 04:33:58 AM EST


Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

Which do you mean? by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #5 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 04:49:02 AM EST
A) The anorexic Japanese redhead with a brogue
or
B) The chick who used to bang you and now wants to find the next girl who'd be an even better match for you than she was

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
Decisions, Decisions by anonimouse (2.00 / 0) #8 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 06:10:27 AM EST
Do I have to choose?

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
[ Parent ]
A by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #16 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 08:11:39 AM EST
I already have B.

Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)

[ Parent ]
"So really what you need..." by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #6 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 05:13:28 AM EST
Well, don't we all!

DUNDEE 4 EVAR by Rogerborg (2.00 / 0) #7 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 05:49:17 AM EST
The only way(*) you'd get an Aberdeen accent is by living there, and then you're spoiled goods.

Also, there's no such thing as kinky sex, just repressed people.

(*) OK, two.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.

Re: point two by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #10 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 06:28:58 AM EST
I'll be at your door with vaseline, a yak and ten feet of rubber tubing in an hour.
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
No can do by Rogerborg (2.00 / 0) #19 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 08:27:33 AM EST
Yaks bring me out in a rash.  Bring an okapi instead.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
yeah, but by ucblockhead (4.00 / 1) #22 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 09:04:11 AM EST
That'd ruin the obscure early eighties text adventure reference.
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
"changes required" by aphrael (2.00 / 0) #17 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 08:18:57 AM EST
i would expect to list what the changes were, not be a boolean yes/no field.
If television is a babysitter, the internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.
I shall elaborate: by BadDoggie (2.00 / 0) #23 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 09:09:51 AM EST
(on behalf of REC who can't use a lot of HTML)

$MegaCorp Patch Installation Guide
Version 3.5.1h

Please note your current patch version. If it is earlier than any patch which requires configuration changes, configuration changes will be necessary. If your current patch version is later than the patch level at which configuration changes are required, you do not need to perform any configuration changes.

All changes required for each bug which requires configuration changes are listed in the next section.


Example

Your system is at 2.1.3c. There is a patch 2.1.3a which requires configuration changes. Your version is higher and you do not have to make these changes.

There is a patch 2.1.3f which requires configuration changes. Your version is lower so you must make these changes.


Bug No. Description Fixed ver. Chg Req'd
SA‑12041 Pressing the Do Not Press button results in CPUs exploding 3.5.1d
CF‑3163 Entering more than 2047 characters in LastName field borks SYS_SECURITY table
Fix requires change of column type
3.5.1d YES
SA-10337 Applying Microsoft security patches causes system to fail
Fix changes embedded ActiveX call methods
3.5.1g
CF-2722 Left Outer Join between TAB_STUFF and TAB_NONSENSE tables causes users to be electrocuted
Fix removes earlier negative reinforcement fix CF2180 to prevents developers adding LOJ between these tables
3.5.1.b YES
All clear?

woof.

OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

[ Parent ]
bang your head by clover kicker (2.00 / 0) #20 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 08:47:44 AM EST


I have that graphic by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #24 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 09:24:30 AM EST
It's supposed to be in my blogspot header. For some reason Blogger/Google keep converting the fucker to a static PNG whenever I upload it even though other animated GIFs go up fine, like ROFLcopter and LOLlercoaster. Any ideas?

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
this diary haiku by fleece (2.00 / 0) #25 Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 01:37:47 PM EST
pings sent in July
returned to me at Christmas
That explains a lot...

A Day in the Life | 25 comments (25 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback