Print Story Suffering from short penisss?
Diary
By nebbish (Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 01:12:38 AM EST) football, footie, World Cup, reading, dead body (all tags)
where it was at, the this satanic
Macedonians image she speak of Alexander as their king and Philip

Marc



Football

We're going to win the World Cup! We're great!
We're going to lose the World Cup. We're rubbish.
We're going to win the World Cup! We're great!
We're going to lose the World Cup. We're rubbish.
We're going to win the World Cup! We're great!
We're going to lose the World Cup. We're rubbish.
We're going to win the World Cup! We're great!
We're going to lose the World Cup. We're rubbish.
We're going to win the World Cup! We're great!
We're going to lose the World Cup. We're rubbish.
We're going to win the World Cup! We're great!
We're going to lose the World Cup. We're rubbish.
We're going to win the World Cup! We're great!
We're going to lose the World Cup. We're rubbish.
We're going to win the World Cup! We're great!
We're going to lose the World Cup. We're rubbish.

This is how my brain works at the moment.

Skeleton on the toilet

Managed to forget all about it and was very chuffed with my professionalism and general importance, until last night when I went for a piss at 3am and thought "Wouldn't it be scary if I saw that corpse sitting on the toilet?" This now happens every time I go to the toilet. Might take to pissing in the sink.

Books

Finished High Rise by JG Ballard. I seem to be having good luck with books at the moment, this one's a corker, loads more readable than most Ballard and just as strange. I was put off by the far-fetched idea of a high-rise block of posh flats (think Barbican) isolating itself and descending into chaos, but of course all this is just a premise to hang scenes of surrealist violence and wierd pschological set-pieces on.

I don't want to say too much about it really as it builds horror upon horror and gets madder and madder as you go on, each chapter more shocking than the last, and I don't want to spoil it. Most wonderful for me was the children's sculpture garden on the roof of the tower block, which becomes a roosting place for hundreds of carniverous seagulls attracted by the chaos, and is later reclaimed by feral children who play amongst the sun-whitened ribcages and skulls. Pure Ballard.

This is the best introduction to Ballard I've come across (apart from maybe The Terminal Beach collection of short stories), and if you've never read any you really should.

Weekend

All set for Saturday. Barbecue at a mate's house starting midday so we're fed and drunk in time for kick-off at two. Mate's DJing that night so should be a good 14 hour piss-up.

Please, please don't let us down England.

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Suffering from short penisss? | 48 comments (48 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Pissing in the sink by gazbo (4.00 / 4) #1 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 01:28:21 AM EST
One of life's little taboo pleasures.

I recommend always assuming 7th normal form where items in a text column are not allowed to rhyme.

When I lived alone by nebbish (4.00 / 3) #3 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 01:36:47 AM EST
...No, I don't need to say anymore

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Pissing in the sink by Priscilla Kwateng (2.00 / 0) #38 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 07:01:24 AM EST
Don't you fucking dare!
Scone rhymes with John
[ Parent ]
Don't worry by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #39 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 07:03:38 AM EST
I'll just stick my penis round your door and quietly wee on your carpet.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Shurely Shome Mishtake by motty (4.00 / 1) #7 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 02:03:49 AM EST
Sink?

You mean shower. Please tell me you mean shower. You do don't you?

You don't, do you.

Eww.

I amd itn ecaptiaghle of drinking sthis d dar - Dr T

[ Parent ]
Hm. by Metatone (4.00 / 4) #2 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 01:33:41 AM EST
It looks like Rooney's back for the knockout stages.
But we might not make it out of the group phase.

Paraguay are not a top South American team.
But we drew with Austria and Northern Ireland in qualifying.

Crouch is looking good for a change.
But he goes missing sometimes.

Lampard and Gerrard are allegedly world class midfielders.
But they can't seem to quite gel together.

Beckham seems to have his crossing mojo back.
But he's still so slow that a good team will easily stop him crossing.

Owen is fit and running.
But sharp? Who knows?

Our defensive unit is looking good.
But will the referees take defending out of the game?

Joe Cole has matured a lot.
But he still runs up a blind alley like no-one else.

We actually have some tactical flexibility for a change.
But it relies on Sven trusting Carrick, else Owen Hargreaves is on the pitch.

That the kind of thing?

Don't worry, Breaker has reminded me of my duties as captain of the good ship mindless optimism. A diary will be on it's way to wash the optimism over all your worries.


We need a futile gesture of optimism at this point by nebbish (4.00 / 2) #4 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 01:39:09 AM EST
It will be good for morale. Get on the case.

The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that every other country has the same dilemmas. Nobody's perfect.

Except Brazil.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
And Scotland by Rogerborg (4.00 / 3) #5 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 01:51:11 AM EST
It'll be splendid if Great Britain win the world cup, but then again, pretty good if Engerland lose.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
There is a good case I reckon by nebbish (4.00 / 3) #8 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 02:07:10 AM EST
For having a British side consisting of England, Northern Ireland, Wales and Scotland, rather than the present system of splitting us into four useless sides.

I reckon the Welsh would be up for it. Of course it would mean winning things occassionally and having to smile so you lot wouldn't like it, and it would probably put an end to the IRA ceasefire, so perhaps not.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
If it was going to happen by yicky yacky (4.00 / 4) #12 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 02:24:58 AM EST

It should have happened fifteen years ago.

For over a decade, England couldn't find a left-sided player equal to that of even the most humdrum side. For over the same decade, Wales had the best left winger in the world. It's a complete waste that it never happened.


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Vacuity abhors a vacuum.
[ Parent ]
Yep by nebbish (4.00 / 2) #14 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 02:54:37 AM EST
It was Giggs who put me and a couple of Welsh mates in mind of the idea. They were all for it. An England and Wales team is more feasible than a British team, we have closer ties with them than with Scotland.

It'll never happen though. The FA doesn't like change.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Probably easier to just invade them again by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #24 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:39:18 AM EST
Burn their Assembly down, plant a few flags, it'll all be over by the start of next season.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
Welsh insurgency by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #26 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:40:52 AM EST
It'd be worth it just to see what they come up with. Hilarious.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Where do you think by yicky yacky (4.00 / 2) #31 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:58:20 AM EST

much of England gets its water from[*]? The "insurgency" would consist of two fat blokes from Neath with a van. I'm not sure the nation could handle the entirity of Birmingham tripping. It'd be like Jacob's Ladder.

[*] - Aside from "each other", naturally ...


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Vacuity abhors a vacuum.
[ Parent ]
We should go the whole hog... by Alice Pulley (4.00 / 2) #28 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:44:58 AM EST
...lets do all of the home nations at the same time, we could all put ourselves forward as rulers of each new province.

Bagsy not Scotland though for me though, eh?

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
You can have the Isle of Man by nebbish (4.00 / 2) #29 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:48:25 AM EST
The Scots are easily subdued with cheap, sugary treats. It'll be like the Opium Wars all over again, but with cut-price Mars Bars.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Good man! by Breaker (4.00 / 3) #9 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 02:15:12 AM EST
I'd expect nothing less than that from the Captain!

Also-
Ashley Cole: plays well on occasion but looked a bit  glory hunting last run out and neglected to get back.

Sol Campbell: Good with his head, solid in the opposition penalty box and his own.  Mad as cheese.

Paul Robinson: Safe pair of hands, good shot stopper and intelligent reading of play.  Went on record as saying the new World Cup balls are a "goalkeepers nightmare".


[ Parent ]
WIPO by Cloaked User (4.00 / 2) #6 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 01:52:29 AM EST
My brain errs on the side of not giving a shit.

I realise that that makes me a freakish outcast, but I'm used to that.


--
This is not a psychotic episode. It is a cleansing moment of clarity.

With regard to the world cup by yicky yacky (4.00 / 2) #10 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 02:19:54 AM EST

my brain operates on Nietzschean master-slave dialecticism.

Broadly, The girly right-side of the brain is ridiculously and completely unjustifiably optimistic and happy about the whole thing. I woke from a dream a few weeks ago convinced (adamant, certain) that England were going to win: It had already happened; it was a fact. It didn't last very long.

The logical patrician on the left side is having none of it. Facts speak against optimism. They also speak against caring that much.

When the left side slaps the right side down, I feel broadly relaxed and reassured that eveything is being kept in the correct perspective and we're just gearing up for an excellent spectacle of football. The right side cannot be supressed, though, and will mount a stubborn, sneaky, resistance (culminating in irrational outbursts and jumping up and down) until England are officially knocked out.

[I love all these people who continually make sure everyone knows precisely how much they "don't care". If they genuinely didn't care, they wouldn't care, by definition.

Dislike is fine. Hate is fine. Getting irritated with the hype, bull and omnipresence is fine (indeed, rational). Finding our inane prattle irksome is fine (indeed, the sign of a well-balanced mind). But it's delusional to think these are somehow the same thing as "not caring"].


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Vacuity abhors a vacuum.
My flatmate by nebbish (4.00 / 2) #13 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 02:38:20 AM EST
Realising he wasn't going to be able to get away from the whole thing, did the noble thing and decided to get into it. We've been watching all those shitty Top 100 Bestest Goals Evah programmes and he's gamely made an effort to engage with and learn about the whole shennanigans. I'd go so far as saying he's really getting into it now (though no doubt he'll pop up in this diary in a minute and say he's been humouring me and still thinks it's a load of nonsense).

That's the best attitude I reckon - you're going to have a miseable four weeks (ten with build up) if you're not into it, so you might as well make the effort.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Most of the people by yicky yacky (4.00 / 1) #15 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 03:09:53 AM EST

I know are either really into it, or are getting into it in a Wimbledonic kind of way. The few people who aren't are having a blast being all theatrical about how utterly tiresome they find the whole thing, but we all know they'll be shouting at the television come crunch-time. The one "bestest goals evar" program with Sean Locke doing the commentary was pretty funny, I thought, all football aside.


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Vacuity abhors a vacuum.
[ Parent ]
Yeah, that one wasn't bad by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #16 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 03:14:50 AM EST
There was another one about England's excuses that was pretty good as well.

Rather than whinging the uninterested should get themselves to a non-footy pub when a match is on and go on the pull, it's like that bit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail when he stumbles into a castle populated entirely by women.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
I used to try to get into it more by R Mutt (4.00 / 1) #27 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:42:31 AM EST
Especially when I was living in a flatshare.

I'm very apathetic about it at the moment though. Think it's a combination of living alone, not getting a daily newspaper anymore (used to read on the train but walk to work now), and watching very little live TV (Bittorrent and hard-drive-recorder). Apart from at the office, I don't get very much World Cup hype.

[ Parent ]
I suppose if you don't watch telly by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #45 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 11:46:19 PM EST
You're able to pretty much avoid it. I wasn't that interested myself years ago (pure club supporter), I don't remember the hype being anywhere near as bad is this time round.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
I'm doing my best by Priscilla Kwateng (4.00 / 1) #40 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 07:07:31 AM EST
but my attention does wander a lot.
I like the goals but the most entertaining thing about association soccerball is the malapropism frenzy of the commentators and the pundits. I believe afficionados refer to them as Colemanballs.
Scone rhymes with John
[ Parent ]
One problem by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #44 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 11:44:54 PM EST
Is that the only way to watch it is with your undivided attention, you can't read while it's on because you miss all the good bits (and catch the bits just afterwards when you hear the crowd roaring). Makes getting into that little bit harder.

It's a good game watching a match and spotting a commentating gem. There's always one.

Breaker mentioned another good game - down a shot every time the ref blows the whistle. We'll try that one.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Poll results so far by Breaker (4.00 / 2) #11 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 02:23:27 AM EST
We're all flip flopping!


That's the great part of living in the US by lm (4.00 / 1) #17 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 04:22:53 AM EST
There is absolutely no doubt that we will not win the world cup.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
Well, I think different by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #18 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 04:28:21 AM EST
I've put money on it. Still, it'd be quite a surprise.

Opinion in some of the British press is that in a couple of tournament's time when more of the American public is interested, you'll be winning it all the time. I don't doubt that.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
You think the same as me by lm (4.00 / 2) #19 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 04:32:06 AM EST
If you follow the link to yourself that you so nicely provided, you state that it is highly unlikely that the US will win. Your financial interest in the matter doesn't come from a belief that they will win but from a belief that the odds given by the powers that be are the least bad of the lot for the US.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
Nevertheless, he's right by yicky yacky (4.00 / 1) #20 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 04:55:25 AM EST

In 2000, the USSF was given fifty million dollars, with promises of another two hundred and fifty million over the next ten years, with the target of winning the World Cup by 2015. I don't think they'll manage it by then (although I wouldn't rule it out), but in the ten years following, it's quite possible. If the US managed to get on the football wagon, it could run the game for years.

As a counterinfluence, I've heard it argued that it will never happen as long as basketball and ice hockey enjoy such a high profile (all three being dynamically similar to an extent).

As a counter-counterinfluence, I think the global market for football is just too flipping huge for the modern godfathers of capitalism to ignore.


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Vacuity abhors a vacuum.
[ Parent ]
Suffering from short penisss? by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #21 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:12:40 AM EST
Not until I go back off sick leave. And not at all, if I hand in my resignation first.

Bastard oestrogen poisoned obese insecure bosses who can't deal with anyone but divorced middle aged women in any kind of polite role.

Why sick leave? by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #22 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:18:57 AM EST
Sounds stress related. Hope you're OK.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Not directly. by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #35 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 06:18:35 AM EST
But it looks a lot like it.

The feeling of lightness and freedom that I've had for the past three weeks are doubtless a part of the reason why my Crohn's disease which has been stubbornly untreatable all year is suddenly half as active.

Still, I've just been put on a solely liquid diet for the next fortnight. That'll be fun.

Unless daddy takes the T-Bird away.

[ Parent ]
Crohn's disease by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #36 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 06:20:36 AM EST
I've got a friend who has that. She's been up and down for years. I don't know much about it, except it's a pain.

Let's hope it stays inactive.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Here's hoping. by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #37 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 06:23:27 AM EST
It seems that the treatment I thought they were too stingy to give is actually not being given to me because it's not actually appropriate.

I've a feeling if I can keep it in remission long enough to get a stable house and job and local friends, I'll be pretty OK.

[ Parent ]
I'm spending it in Austria by idiot boy (4.00 / 1) #23 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:32:26 AM EST
Working with.... Germans.... Should be a laugh.

Mind, there's an 8ft screen in my hotel bar. I'm gonna get lots of work done. I'm also looking forward to slyly whistling england tunes in Austrian bars during matches.

I may not make it home alive.

Watched one of many, many World Cup previews by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #25 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:39:52 AM EST
last night, filmed in Germany. There are England flags everywhere, people cheering because Rooney is fit to play, blokes sat in bars saying England have much more chance of winning than Germany. They're nowhere near as into the rivalry as we are.

This is because they lost the war, so have no moral advantage.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Don't mention by idiot boy (4.00 / 1) #30 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:57:32 AM EST
the wienershnitzel.

Ahem.

They were having a friendly pop at me the other day so I mentioned a certain recent game. I think they're happier that it's happening in germany than anything else. They're incredibly excited - sometimes they even smile.

[ Parent ]
Wienershnitzel! by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #33 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 06:05:30 AM EST
You won't believe this but Orang Utan's talking about cooking this for me and Alison soon (Alison bought him a meat cookery book for his birthday). It's either that or faggots (can you see the theme?)

I've always found the Germans to be pretty funny. Don't know if that extends as far as Austria.

Have you been out in the sticks yet? It's meant to be like Deliverence with Nazis.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
By the way by idiot boy (2.00 / 0) #32 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 05:59:14 AM EST
Did you see the comment in today's Grauniad. OK so it was about the Who but it was still amusing to see Leeds there.

Yeah saw that by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #34 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 06:06:40 AM EST
Can't remember the Refectory funnily enough (don't think I was ever there on a combination of less than three types of drug). Remember the Poly better.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Text under heading 'football' by gpig (4.00 / 1) #41 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 07:12:55 AM EST
would seem to suggest that England have a 50% chance of winning the World Cup. Please fix, OK? Thanks.
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(,   ,') -- eep
Apologies by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #48 Fri Jun 09, 2006 at 01:07:49 AM EST
In feverish times such as these my brain doesn't do shades of grey.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
WIPO: I'm Australian by ajf (4.00 / 1) #42 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 07:11:16 PM EST
And therefore not entirely convinced we're really in the World Cup. It seems much more likely that it's all an elaborate mass media prank.

"I am not buying this jam, it's full of conservatives"
Sorry about the anglocentric diary by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #47 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 11:53:19 PM EST
Even more surprising is that you might do really fucking well. And best of luck to you.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Ballard: Everything Gibson Will Never Be by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #43 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 08:17:14 PM EST

Also, you could always pull a search and replace on the skeleton with a puppy. For instance, think of what it would be like if, every time you went to the terlet, you found a puppy hunched over it, squeezing a puppyloaf!

No, I have not tested this idea, but it has to beat pissing in the sink. Then there's always the diapers option. Some people dig those things. Then again, some people dig those things too much...


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
Dammit, that's so crazy it might just work by nebbish (4.00 / 4) #46 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 11:52:20 PM EST
I will try to imagine puppies. A mate of mine says when he wins the lottery he's going to have a pen of fluffy labrador puppies in his bathroom to wipe his arse on.

Could never get into Gibson - I'm one of the lucky ones who read Ballard first.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Suffering from short penisss? | 48 comments (48 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback