Print Story I've officially hit
Diary
By molasses (Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 09:53:09 AM EST) (all tags)
the anger stage.


Rage I think is more like it. It comes and goes in violent waves that sometimes I feel like I can't hold onto my sanity with my own two hands.  Like it would be easier if I could hand over my head (which feels like it's going to explode at ANY SECOND) and let someone else deal with it so I can have a break.

He hasn't officially moved out yet.  But last night we agreed that it's time for him to find a couch to stay on and not be here at night. So that sucks.  I'm not used to him being around. And to top it off: he broke the deadbolt on his was out (not on purpose, it's been having problems.  but it finally went last night).  He didn't know he did it; i dind't know until i realized that i was locked in.  Go ahead Dr Freud, read into that one.

I just wish it was all over. That the pain is gone, that the hurt was less, and the fact that he doesn't want me didn't hurt so badly and cut me to my core.  I know I said that I thought I was going to break up with him in the nearer future (fall), but to know that he's not only done, but has been able to turn off the feelings - that just hurts the most.  And I don't know if that means he's dealing in his own way, or not dealing at all - i suppose it doesn't matter.

And my friends?  What friends.  They seem to have disappeared after the initial week of "oh, I'm so sorry!"  I've left messages - they don't call back.  And these aren't a her friend/his friend situation - they are just all busy.  So i'm alone, in an apartment I'm hating, with no money, still TOTALLY dependent on him financially, ending my teaching year and have no idea what i'm doing next.

But at least I'm cute.

*sigh*

Oh, did i mention it's raining like HELL here?  AND i'm PMS-ing?  AND my best friend (one who actually calls) is moving away tomorrow?

It's a banner fucking week in my world.

I just wish it would all disappear.  I wish I could disappear.

ugh.

< Girl at War | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
I've officially hit | 24 comments (24 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
#hugs# by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #1 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:00:57 AM EST
I don't know what to say. I do hope things get better. And that the fucking rain stops.
--
I've got more than one membership to more than one club, and I owe my life to the people that I love. - Ani DiFranco
what she said by iGrrrl (4.00 / 4) #2 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:23:12 AM EST
and you are cute.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

[ Parent ]
Friends by The Fool (4.00 / 2) #3 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 10:47:31 AM EST
If virtual friends count, you've got plenty.


Awww, that's sweet by Rogerborg (4.00 / 1) #6 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:27:07 AM EST
And I think some of us guys quite like you too.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
Yeah, You're Cute. by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 2) #4 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:13:37 AM EST
And, also, all of this will one day be but a memory. You'll be hanging in your swank new loft with your boy-toys licking chocolate off your toes, and some random thought will make you remember the summer of 2006 when some things used to suck.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.
Bullshit by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #11 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 01:10:42 PM EST
In the summer of 2004, I was in the same situation, and it felt like it would never end and...

Oh wait, it has ended. Believing it will end it the hardest part, though.

[ Parent ]
I can deal with tha by molasses (2.00 / 0) #13 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 02:55:39 PM EST
chocolate on the toes vision.  Ummm...chocolate....

Yeah, I know all that hippy-shit-psychological-bullshit of "it'll be fine once you're over it", but right now, as i'm living it, it sucks donkey balls.

I just want him totally out so i can revamp my space, my life, as soon as possible.

[ Parent ]
Baby! by littlestar (4.00 / 4) #5 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:20:11 AM EST
I have always found that the best way to deal with untold heartache is to always be the bigger person,  and when you need to find things that make you angery about him. It's not good to sit and obsess about them, but when you are really feeling shitty just remember the stupid things he did; ways he was embarassing, or ways he didn't try.

It usually helps a little bit; but of course, time, as all of the songs say, is the only healer.

I give you my shoulder. Lay your head down. It will get better eventually.
*twinkle*twinkle*


What. The. Hell? by Rogerborg (4.00 / 6) #7 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 11:29:34 AM EST
Is he going to break you with goodbye?  Are you going to crumble?  Are you going to lay down and die?

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
Should've changed that stupid lock by Herring (4.00 / 4) #9 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 12:42:42 PM EST
etc.

Herring - Official HuSi diarist of the 2016 European Korfball Championship (October 22nd, Dordrecht, Netherlands)
[ Parent ]
Margaritas and chocolate for everyone!!!! by greyrat (2.00 / 0) #8 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 12:07:50 PM EST
Except him. It's the only solution.

I'd offer my listening services, but you don't even know me. PM if you'd like to vent on a (mostly) harmless and dispassionate observer.

Hang in there. Here's a #HUG# too.

i hear ya by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 12:57:12 PM EST
I have no friends either, least none that call me or call me back.

I'm not cute though, so you at least have that.

--
Blizzard of Death '06

yes but by molasses (4.00 / 1) #14 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 03:31:58 PM EST
you have an excuse: you JUST moved and haven't met anyone.  I, OTOH have lived here 6 years and have 3, maybe 4 friends that i consider close enough to call in a time of crisis.  and none of them have responded back to me.

plus, you're bitter. ;)  i'm just angry and going through a phase.

[ Parent ]
ha! by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #24 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 04:08:42 PM EST
I lived at my old place for 32 years, and had friends who are always too busy.

I'm not so bitter this week.  I even have a date this weekend.

--
Blizzard of Death '06

[ Parent ]
Drink heavily by riceowlguy (4.00 / 1) #12 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 01:22:33 PM EST
and listen to The Smiths for a couple weeks.  That seems to work for me...or, by the time I've realized it isn't working, I've forgotten what the fuss was about.

Seriously...I really, really know what you're going through.  I don't think there's anything that can "fix" it...you just need to keep on living for a while, and then it will better.

PM me for my IM info and we can chat.


It's about time he moved out by vorheesleatherface (4.00 / 1) #15 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 04:05:38 PM EST
...really really. Best for both of you. And isn't it strange that even though you were thinking of breaking up with him it bugs you that he did it first? Been there, done that. Just think of it as a mutual decision, that may help. And trust me, he hasn't turned off feelings. Men are just good at suppressing them for a while so we give the outward appearance of strength and stability. We deal with it, we just take a little longer to do it sometimes. We do it alone, or with close friends and beer. And we never forget. Ten years from now he'll sit back to reminisce with a cold one and he'll think about you. We're like that.


You know, in a strange way by molasses (4.00 / 1) #18 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 04:44:32 PM EST
that makes me feel better.  I do try to think of it as a mutual decision, but today, it doesn't feel like that.  Tomorrow?  Possibly.  The day after?  Maybe.  But knowing that someday he might actually regret it (I said this, not you) is only slightly reassuring.

In a sad way, i do hope he's suffering.  At least then I'll know I'm not alone.  Which is really, really REALLY what i'm feeling tonight.

So.  I'm on the couch.  Dominos in hand.  Hershey's next to the pizza box.  Bottle of wine in hand (remember, I'm not much of a drinker).  Watching a sappy movie.  My friend asked me how I could watch a sappy movie.  I said becasue it gives me hope that someday I will find true-ish love.  At least they do in the movies.

Now excuse me.  Diane Lane is waiting for me.

[ Parent ]
Karma is a bitch by vorheesleatherface (2.00 / 0) #19 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 05:20:52 PM EST
I cannot condone wishing someone to suffer...but I understand. I still hope one of my exes burns in the fiery pits of the deepest dungeons of hell. Me, such a fun and friendly man!<.br>
Chocolate and wine would mess with my innards. More wine, less chocolate, a bit of pizza...sounds pretty good. Enjoy the movie. NExt time I recommend a comedy. Comedies and alcohol are great lovers.

Diane Lane is georgeous.


[ Parent ]
It's an ugly situation. by calla (4.00 / 1) #16 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 04:22:08 PM EST
The sooner he's out, the better. Thank the ISG that I never moved in with my last boyfriend. I probably would have killed him when we broke up.

You are not only CUTE - but you've got a great rack!!! I think right now would be a good time to post pics of it here. By posting the pics yourself, you can avoid the embarrassment of having someone else post less flattering pics of your rack.

RACK PICS!!! RACK PICS!!!

"Are Linux chicks worth it?" fencepost

See, here's the issue: by molasses (4.00 / 1) #20 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 05:49:01 PM EST
he's the one with the camera.  and i can't really ask him to take pics of my rack now.  sigh  oh well.  someday I'll post a pic.  i promise!

[ Parent ]
Here's the trick - by calla (2.00 / 0) #21 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 07:56:09 PM EST
Find a cute student photographer to take pics of your rack. eh?

Years ago, I found a student to take pics of me in robes. It worked well.

"Are Linux chicks worth it?" fencepost

[ Parent ]
Grief and anger and such by blixco (2.00 / 0) #17 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 04:42:16 PM EST
may never stop orfade completely.  But they dim, they clock less time on your spine.  They require less heart.

He's not just dropped his feelings.  But us guys, we'll hide it, we'll have a few weeks initially where we're very much "this is GREAT!" Then we're awake at 3am, driving a back road, listening to Peter Gabriel or Monk.  And we're devastated, and it's years.

You, you're going to come through all of this with so much so well.  You know that.

But for now?  Bear down.  Find equations.  Make your lists.  Get work sorted out.  Make each second count for reasons other than what's not there.

And know, know that you are loved.
---------------------------------
Taken out of context I must seem so strange - Ani DiFranco

i still love you by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #22 Wed Jun 07, 2006 at 08:31:42 PM EST
if you have long distance calling ability, i can give you my hotel number and you can call all you want. i'd also come visit, but it's a bit far.
Send me to Austria!
apropos nothing by komet (2.00 / 0) #23 Thu Jun 08, 2006 at 08:07:38 AM EST
your sig is obsolete, isn't it?

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]
I've officially hit | 24 comments (24 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback