Print Story It's the balls.
There is a rush
And a collective sigh
When giving in


Sunday at 10:00a
You know how I've said: pain makes you selfish?  You know how I've alluded to time and time and time again that pain is the ultimate revealer?  That you know yourself, your horizons and your limits because of pain?

And that I had not yet found my limit?  That I was near breaking one night, everything gone wrong, but managed to pull loose and fight to near normal?

Sunday at 10:00am, I realized something was deeply, badly wrong.  That what I was feeling, pain-wise, was not what I was used to dealing with.  That the waves of increased pain in my legs...both of them now in harmony...were coming in with a breathtaking intensity, something I'd never felt.  Because in the past, pain so bad I blacked out made me hurt, made me suffer, but this pain made me weak.  I couldn't move my legs.

I tried walking, and small steps were the best I could manage.  I did not make it out of bed for any longer than it took to go to the bathroom or to take another handfull of pills.

Sunday morning at 10:00am, I looked over at my wife.  I saw a future of this.  I saw what my life was going to be like if I didn't get this fixed somehow.  And I found my limit.

My horizon.

Sunday night, 9:00p

All day in bed, I know a lot of people in the universe have it worse, had it worse, have suffered, are suffering in ways I can't picture.  But the constant waves of pain had me in desperate selfish pain management mode, and I'd tried everything.  My TENS unit was maxed out, I was using stimulus that was more intense than I'd ever been able to stand, and it wasn't working.  I did my exercises by the dozens, stretches and press ups and minor yoga moves.  My back muscles so tight and spasming that I couldn't, can't bend over more than 10 degrees.  I'd taken maximum safe doses of celebrex and I'd tripled by dose of hydrocodone.  Nothing, nothing, if anything I was worse off.

I'd been in bed all day.  Grunting with every breath, lamaze breathing (something one of my PTs had taught all of her patients), my abdominal muscles all fucked up from the hours and hours of tension.  Add to this: my sinuses weren't functioning properly, so I couldn't breathe when I lay down, but I couldn't sit or stand for any length of time.  Pitiful.

You have those moments.

You just open your arms up, and it's like relaxing.  Like letting go.  It's just give up.  You give up.  You give in to every emotion that runs up, you punch walls and wail about "why me" and you scream and cry and no, it doesn't help and no, it's certainly not deserved in the Big Picture but at that moment it's like a dam bursting, it's like a typhoon and nothing will stop it.  It's just giving in.  You just give up.

No, it doesn't help.  I don't feel any better afterwards.  If anything my sinuses are more fucked up and some thrashing about caused a muscle, already tight and atrophied, to pull and sharpen the pain in my mid-back.

Monday morning, 3:00a

Neurontin and cymbalta help me sleep for a few hours.  I wake up with burning crawling pins and needles, with no sensation in my right foot.  Cold and numb.  I get up, try to walk, drag my foot useless.

I finally hear back from two neurosurgeons at 10:00am.  Both are new to me, and want to re-evaluate me and do imaging and anything else that could line their pockets.  I tell them, look, I've done all of that, I can get my whole history forwarded to you and they say, fine.  But we'll still need new films, maybe diskogram, maybe more EMGs and I'm hanging up on them.  My current specialist is out, but is hopefully going to find me a surgeon tomorrow.

At this point I want someone to cut me open and pry out the bits that are doing this.  At this point I can't recall the stupid foolish reaspons I'd decided to avoid surgery for this long.  Should have done this months ago, should have broken months ago.  Stupid pride, or fear or love of this edge?  I don't know.  It defines me right now.  Maybe I need that definition?

And I don't care for consequences.  If I am in more pain after surgery, I can take care of it myself, the whole thing, with an ice pick and some whiskey.

(Yeah, I talk all tough.  Y'all know I'm not that stupid).

< Yikes | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
It's the balls. | 21 comments (21 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
for what it's worth by 256 (4.00 / 7) #1 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 08:40:05 AM EST
i love you about as much as i can love a man i've never met.

do what it takes.
I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni

Thanks. by blixco (4.00 / 1) #2 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 08:43:25 AM EST
And, I will.  Hopefully tomorrow will bring me some hope in the form of a surgeon who will see me asap.
Taken out of context I must seem so strange - Ani DiFranco
[ Parent ]
So you've been reading by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 09:26:50 AM EST
Stop moaning you baby by hulver (4.00 / 8) #3 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 09:19:32 AM EST
You think that's bad? I broke a nail this morning, talk about pain! I had to use just 3 fingers to drink my cup of tea!

(Good luck)
Cheese is not a hat. - clock

I think you know what's keeping you by sasquatchan (4.00 / 2) #5 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 09:28:42 AM EST
away from the knife. I hope you find solace throughout this.

It would keep me away too

Do the surgery my brother! by greyrat (4.00 / 1) #6 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 09:29:41 AM EST
You are where I was so many years ago. I can't feel my foot today, but I'm "pain" "free" AND I'll be touching my toes (knees to nose) before running 2.5 miles tonight.

As I've said here before I've had most of L3-L4 and L4-L5 taken out and one of them was in pieces that were rubbing through the dura on the spinal cord.

Do it NOW! There'll be just as much pain after surgery (trust me on that) but IT WILL GO AWAY -- eventually.

Hang in there.

Go. by iGrrrl (4.00 / 3) #7 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 09:30:35 AM EST

Be a good (informed and involved, not just compliant) patient.

I'll write a new song for you, and send you a mix of our version of Shed.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

I dont smoke myself by creo (4.00 / 1) #8 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 09:33:50 AM EST
but I have had a friend who suffered through intense pain (cancer - not back) and he swore by the power of green.

Just an option. YMMV.

"I shall do what I believe to be right and honourable" - Guderian

Its entirely unlikely by coillte (4.00 / 1) #9 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 09:40:29 AM EST
that I can in any sense cheer you up.

Its entirely possible that the idea of cheering you up is unremittingly and cranium, expandingly anodyne in this context.

Anything I got in the line of wisdom for this kind of gig seems trite and inapt.

Your beyond my experience here dude.

That said, whip the bugger out surgically, and have it mounted in heavy duty plexiglass, and I'll come over and learn to shoot. We can take turns pot shotting at the bugger while you recuperate.

Hell, we can shoot that plexiglassed monstrosity out of a cannon at something recondite, political and worthy of creative opprobium and call it operation infinite insult. Hell. It'll be art. And theres no way they can screw with that.

Like I said. I got bupkis. Maybe its enough that I gotta try though.

Arms my only ornament...

Good luck by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #10 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 09:49:42 AM EST
sounds like surgery is the least painful alternative.

As you know, by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #11 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 10:15:12 AM EST
I haven't been in your position, but I've witnessed it. Don't lose hope. Please. Here's hoping you'll be pain-free, or at least with the minor manageable pain that you can deal with, real soon now.
Continue to lean until you feel gravity threatening to discipline you for being stupid. - CRwM
demerol by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #12 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 10:31:16 AM EST
i'll give that one 3.5 stars.

Nurses by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #13 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 10:45:52 AM EST
Smokin' hot nurses.  Go gettem.

Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
I have no words by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #14 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 10:52:15 AM EST
and you know, I usually do. Have more than enough. But I don't.

I was gonna do something trite like "*hug*" but then I thought "yeah, genius, hug a man with screaming back pain." Even from afar, it doesn't work.

So: *****. That's all I got.

"later" meant either "when you walk around the corner" or "oatmeal."

I read what everybody else said by ana (4.00 / 1) #15 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 11:15:54 AM EST
and i can only add a heartfelt "yeahthat". Get well soon, my friend.

Can you introspect out loud? --CRwM

Holy crap, dude! by zarathus (4.00 / 1) #16 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 11:32:51 AM EST
Any surgeon who asks you to repeat the endless tests and imaging studies you've already undergone doesn't understand what's going on.  However, as you've helped us all understand, pain is a very private thing, it's unsharable.

Here's hoping that you get your day in surgery soon and that the outcome is better than you hope for. 

Keep us updated, man, and let us know how we can help.  Seriously.  Even if you just need someone to mow your lawn, just ask.

Blogger - n. Someone with nothing to say writing for someone with nothing to do.

I have to disagree by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #17 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 02:04:03 PM EST
Pain that numbs your foot and makes you bed ridden.  There isn't much more to make you slide to the not 'worse off' category.

Blizzard of Death '06
not that it helps by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 1) #18 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 05:32:04 PM EST
but if you want to ship me out there, i'll massage anything needed, and pet you on the head until you tell me to fuck off, because i *heart* blixco.
Dance On, Gir!
You're the bravest dude I know by 606 (4.00 / 1) #19 Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 07:34:54 PM EST
I've been where you're at but only for a few hours, and I don't ever want to be back there. Actually I think you went further than me. A lot further. Looking back at the time I wrote that it felt like "my leg was being ripped apart by beavers from the inside out". But that was only one leg.


It's not giving in, it's taking the next step.

And here's to the day when you can stop defining yourself with that edge of pain and start defining yourself with what God intended... how much liquor you can drink.

imagine dancing banana here

= ) by moonvine (4.00 / 1) #20 Tue Jun 20, 2006 at 07:06:29 PM EST
Get better dear friend.

It's very brave by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #21 Wed Jun 21, 2006 at 01:20:23 AM EST
To write about and face up to your pain. I've never experienced anything like what you're going through, but I really feel for you. Good luck with the surgery.

It's political correctness gone mad!

It's the balls. | 21 comments (21 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback