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By komet (Fri May 05, 2006 at 12:51:56 PM EST) cunning linguist, centipedes, vagina full of fun loving cowwqas. (all tags)

For a while now, my Wikipedia user page has stated: "Komet's English is better than yours. So is his German."

At first, it was just an idle boast, something I wrote as a placeholder. Over time, however, I have come to realise that it is probably a true statement.

I have no literary ambition, and I really wouldn't feel threatened if someone were to turn up who did, in fact, speak both English and German better than myself. In fact, I would probably welcome such a person. The problem is simply that I haven't encountered any possible candidates. Ever.

In fact, I'm hard-pressed to think of someone who just speaks English better than myself (though several Hussites come dangerously close). Perhaps I have the perfect mix of pedantry and nonchalance. Perhaps I just rule. I know when to use instead of and when to use rather than. I know exactly how long each sentence should be. I'm just naturally damn good at it, but I derive no advantage in life from my superiority.

At work, I constantly find myself correcting or improving native speakers' German. Most German speakers have terrible flow, no timing, and poor metaphor - in a word, no feeling. I, however, play the German language like Miles Davis plays the trumpet. I'm consistently better. Perhaps I just rule.

Now, if only I could find some way to get laid.

< Attention All Husi Infidels | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >

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I rule. | 34 comments (34 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback

A hint: by garlic (4.00 / 3) #1 Fri May 05, 2006 at 12:55:10 PM EST

boasting about language skills will never help you get laid. Correcting this comment also will not get you laid.

I have never knowingly referred to my by komet (4.00 / 2) #2 Fri May 05, 2006 at 12:59:36 PM EST

monumental language skills during wooing. Notwithstanding that, as I said, this isn't a boast, merely a statement of fact.

Perhaps there's some other method of making it known that I'm also a cunning linguist?

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]

You can do things.. by Driusan (4.00 / 3) #3 Fri May 05, 2006 at 01:08:10 PM EST

..like referring to your brobdingnagian language skill levels, instead of using pitiful little words like "monumental."

I doubt it would help you get laid, though

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
[ Parent ]

Better than who? by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #7 Fri May 05, 2006 at 01:43:41 PM EST

You've made the female oral sex joke twice now. That's, well, a couple of times more than you should have.

[ Parent ]

Yes, you're quite right. by komet (2.00 / 0) #8 Fri May 05, 2006 at 01:46:04 PM EST

What poor judgement. POOR JUDGEMENT!!

btw. did I mention I'm drunk? No. No I didn't.

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]

there's your problem right there by Greener (4.00 / 1) #10 Fri May 05, 2006 at 03:08:32 PM EST

When Dr. Thrustgood is drunk he's unintelligible and he's always getting laid.

[ Parent ]

Heh by Dr Thrustgood (2.00 / 0) #22 Sat May 06, 2006 at 03:06:48 AM EST

The fun thing is that I really am unintelligible when properly lashed. Sod slurring words; I slur entire sentences.

Last night I fell asleep on the tube. With fantastic logic, I managed to catch the line that terminates a ten minute walk from my house. Anyways, I awake to someone shouting "Mate! Mate!" at me. Turns out he was being very kind and pointed out it was the end of the line. I slurred my thanks two or three times before he just shook his head and walked off.

Sadly he took his woman with him.

In other news: Argh! Hangover!

You're hungover? by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #26 Sat May 06, 2006 at 05:41:18 AM EST

Why, that must mean it's mid afternoon already. Not to worry, only a few hours and you'll be drunk again.

[ Parent ]

Update: by Dr Thrustgood (2.00 / 0) #28 Sat May 06, 2006 at 05:56:51 AM EST

Have restarted drinking activities.

: Good idea. by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #31 Sat May 06, 2006 at 06:40:39 AM EST

You may experience toxicity symptoms if you go without for too long.

[ Parent ]

Also, by gazbo

(4.00 / 1) #11 Fri May 05, 2006 at 03:21:10 PM EST

I think he meant "better than whom?"

I recommend always assuming 7th normal form where items in a text column are not allowed to rhyme.

[ Parent ]

I usually accept by komet (2.00 / 0) #12 Fri May 05, 2006 at 03:48:38 PM EST

people who use the subjective case in the auxiliary to the verb "to be", and I don't consider "than" a preposition (so it doesn't govern a fixed case), probably because of the German influence, where sein (to be) connects nominative to nominative and als (than) is definitely not a preposition. So I would accept both "Who is better than I?" and "Who is better than me?" equally, with a slight bias towards the former. (Or even better: "Who is better than my humble self?") OTOH, "with who" is clearly unacceptable. English grammar is such a mess sometimes. We never should have let those Norman scribes fuck up our language.

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]

Oh fuck. by komet (2.00 / 0) #13 Fri May 05, 2006 at 03:50:43 PM EST

"Equally, with a slight bias?" Someone slap me. Someone female, if possible.

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]

I'm on it. by MissTrish (4.00 / 1) #17 Fri May 05, 2006 at 04:59:08 PM EST

But first you have to speak dirty to me in german. You know, with bad grammar.

ypu're a chair
[ Parent ]

: Sie haben die nicen Tïts. by Driusan (2.00 / 0) #30 Sat May 06, 2006 at 06:39:02 AM EST

Ich wußte der ist nicht die Umlaut auf die 'ï', aber Ich likt Umlauts.
(I'm willing to concede that komet's German might maybe be better than mine. Also, comma, the above isn't an invitation to slap me. I just can't resist any opportunity to gratuitiously use umlauts and eszets.)

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
[ Parent ]

The use of 'whom' is optional. by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #21 Sat May 06, 2006 at 01:44:47 AM EST

It depends on your dialect. As it's not a feature of my dialect, I'm unsure as to whether your correction is correct.

[ Parent ]

dialect by codemonkey uk (2.00 / 0) #24 Sat May 06, 2006 at 04:51:41 AM EST

that be a right good excuse of all sorts of mishaps

--- Thad ---
Almost as Smart As you.
[ Parent ]

: Thaa' bee? by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #25 Sat May 06, 2006 at 05:38:32 AM EST

Oi be thinkin' thaat you're nart frarm Zummerzet, roigh?

[ Parent ]

Is that so? by TurboThy (4.00 / 1) #4 Fri May 05, 2006 at 01:15:29 PM EST

I've obviously never heard any of you speak, but I'd imagine Bartleby to give you a run for your money in German.
__
Sommerhus til salg, første række til Kattegat.

Maybe, maybe not. by komet (2.00 / 0) #5 Fri May 05, 2006 at 01:19:35 PM EST

Only one way to find out. DUEL TO THE DEATH AT DAWN!

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]

There's an easier way, ESFC and GSFC by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #6 Fri May 05, 2006 at 01:29:04 PM EST

perhaps something from Shakespear for the ESFC, no idea on the GSFC.

[ Parent ]

: Goethe by ad hoc (2.00 / 0) #15 Fri May 05, 2006 at 04:08:26 PM EST

--
Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
[ Parent ]

We'll ... by BlueOregon (2.00 / 0) #23 Sat May 06, 2006 at 03:10:47 AM EST

... just have you folks come to Berlin for the event, and I'll serve as the judge.

Shall it be a duel by pistol, or by sword. If by the latter, shall writing implements be introduced to prove that the pen is mightier?

[ Parent ]

Würstchen, was sonst. by Bartleby (4.00 / 2) #27 Sat May 06, 2006 at 05:49:42 AM EST

And I almost missed this... Concerning duels: You may or may not have heard of the duel between Otto von Bismarck and Rudolf Virchow that never happened. An anecdote version of the event says that Virchow accepted, and as he had the choice of arms, he proposed he and the chancellor should have sausages for lunch, one of which would be infected with some deadly germs. This allowed von Bismarck to laugh the whole thing off without losing face, and the new sport of Prussian roulette never took off. In reality, however, Virchow just refused to have a duel, which was courageous, earned him a lot of public support and was simply the right thing to do.

[ Parent ]

: curiously appropriate by BlueOregon (2.00 / 0) #32 Sat May 06, 2006 at 07:31:35 AM EST

Duels, that is.
I ended up at a bookstore today, and not only ended up there, but ended up purchasing a few paper products for later leisure, and among them is and was Portuguese Irregular Verbs, the second chapter of which describes a brief duel.
As for the Bismarck/Virchow anecdote, I had not heard it before, but now I have. And to conclude, it is perhaps worth mentioning that The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs follows Portuguese Irregular Verbs.

[ Parent ]

Thats not true!!! by ucblockhead

(4.00 / 1) #9 Fri May 05, 2006 at 02:04:41 PM EST

My english is much better than yours because I'm an native speaker so I know it from berth!
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

: I think you mean "better than your's" by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #18 Fri May 05, 2006 at 09:52:07 PM EST

It's possessive, like in CD's or potatoe's.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]

EDITORIAL COMMENT: by ammoniacal (4.00 / 2) #14 Fri May 05, 2006 at 04:07:23 PM EST

s/Perhaps I just rule./Perhaps I just rule?

You can't handle my complete attention.

heh by MillMan

(4.00 / 2) #16 Fri May 05, 2006 at 04:19:55 PM EST

While I don't doubt your prowess over native German speakers, the phrase "polishing a turd" comes to mind. German is the one language other than English I have attempted to learn.

Everybody still hates me in this city and I hate everybody.

I'm the least boastful person in the world, but... by Rogerborg (4.00 / 1) #19 Fri May 05, 2006 at 09:55:35 PM EST

Actually, I'm done. I'm not tangling with someone with the chutzpah to correct a Kraut.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.

That's easy by chopper (2.00 / 0) #20 Fri May 05, 2006 at 10:11:09 PM EST

Philosophy students and fucked-up "creative" goth chicks go for the German thing, preferrably with long rambling diatribes.

: Buh? by Driusan (2.00 / 0) #29 Sat May 06, 2006 at 06:06:38 AM EST

German's more of an industrial thing than a goth thing. I don't think most of the artsy German-diatribe type chicks you're thinking of are really into the whole goth thing, but I could be wrong here.

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
[ Parent ]

That Wikipedia page was wrong. by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #33 Sat May 06, 2006 at 06:59:09 PM EST

So I corrected it.

: Your grammar was a little awkward. by Driusan (2.00 / 0) #34 Sun May 07, 2006 at 04:44:31 PM EST

So I corrected it.

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
[ Parent ]

I rule. | 34 comments (34 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback