This Week in Poops

This has been a momumental week as far as fecal output goes. Seriously, each day I have been amazed by the mass and volume of my turds. Pretty friggin' intense, yo. I don't know where it's all coming from, but I'm glad to get it out of my butt. I've not been eating any more or less than usual, nor has the nature of what I've been eating changed significantly. Poops: The Eternal Mystery!

Soon, I shall poop for the first time today. I'm looking forward to it. I can feel it stewing in my bowels. Each cigarette break brings me closer to the brink, though I'm not quite "prarie-dogging it" yet. If you know what I mean.

OMFG, DID YOU GUYS SEE STEVEN COLBERT STICK IT TO BUSHITLAR???

Cory Doctorow did. He thinks it's a conspiracy that's kept it out of the "mainstream media". I swear to god, if one more person sends me a link to that shit, I'll make poops on their chest. Yes, I saw it. I like Colbert. Colbert was doing his Colbert schtick. Yet, curiously enough, Bush is still President. Weird! It's like the Kosmonauts don't have any power or something!

Attention Apartment Complex-Advertising Infidels:

I don't give a shit about your "pool". I won't be swimming in that. Everyone and their brother knows that public pools are 90% kid urine, and 10% chlorine. Or maybe 9% chlorine, 1% algae. In searching for a place to live on rent dot com, there are seemingly billions of apartment complexii that, for some reason, don't feel the need to post pictures of their actual apartments, seemingly under the delusion that I give a shit one way or another what their common areas and pool look like.

People, I'm a nerd. Further, I'm a nerd of Irish descent. I don't tan, I burn. As such, I won't be laying on your public grounds in the sunlight reading a book. I'd just end up with a sunburn. I won't be swimming in your pool. That's just nasty. I want to know what the THING YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL ME LOOKS LIKE.

I've just been ruling out any complex that doesn't post pictures and floor plans of the apartments, themselves. I've also been ruling out every apartment with a tiny kitchen attached to a dining room attached to a living room. Fuck that. You have to draw the line someplace, and I'm done living in a shithole. Other auto-elimination elements: white walls, no washer/dryer in-unit, anything that says "remodelled", anything without a smoking balcony, non-walk-in closets, any place that lists "air conditioning" as an apartment feature (that's just basic standard-of-living shit, people), and the list goes on. Am I being too picky? Maybe. That's my right as a FRIGGIN' WELL PAID NERD, YO. You can take it from me when you get past my .45 slugs.

Ever Have A Mountain of Work Ahead of You?

Did you end up deciding that because you can't do it all, you shouldn't do any of it? Well, then, you're a lazy asshole. You lazy asshole.

My Name is Saint Mohammed Niyal Sayeed

And I seemed to have sparked a Jihad on the behalf of transsexuals on the Internet. Oh, how many of their stories begin the same; shitty childhood, sometimes with molestation, sometimes just garden-variety beatings, junior high school bully oppression, blah blah blah. Gender rolls: DELICIOUS!

Seriously, though, I know Thailand has a large number of trannies, but Thailand also has a large number of child prostitutes, so I'm not sure that helps make the case that TS/TV is anything more than "what privileged white people think about when they have too much free time". Oops, I just excluded Ru Paul. OK, how about "what privileged Western people think about when they have too much free time." Much better.

Men in elaborate women costumes, yo. Men. In. Elaborate. Women. Costumes.

Kinda like Furries, but without the surgery.

I'm not saying people shouldn't be allowed to be into all sorts of stupid crap, though I'm not above saying that, as I am allowed to say as a crypto-fascist, but I am saying people like pushing buttons. They do it, I do it. You do it. We all do it.

I Have Some Other News

But I can't drop it just yet. Nor can I confirm or deny it. Fucking Intarweb.

And thus concludes this week's extended poops review remix.

Love,
Senior Advisor for Keepin' It On the Rizno*

[*] - Special thanks to joh3n for the awesome job title

< PUZZOLOGY | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
Making Poops, For Reals. | 45 comments (45 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Poops by glamorgan (4.00 / 1) #1 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:25:12 AM EST
I hear ya.  I'm in the middle of a detox cleanse, and let me tell you that the supplement called 'laxaherb' is living up to it's name.  I am unable to prairie-dog it, if you know what I mean.  I could shit through a sieve and it wouldn't slow me down.

Speaking of, I gotta run.......

Stay strong, stay clean by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #2 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:27:12 AM EST

And use toilet paper with aloe (I prefer the Charmin) to keep your posterior soft, like a baby's.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Air conditioning? Swimming pools? by nebbish (4.00 / 2) #3 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:27:48 AM EST
Wow, you guys have it so good.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

We need the air conditioning by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #5 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:31:44 AM EST

But the swimming pools are "what apartment complex owners spend money on instead of an architect with a little inventiveness to design the apartments, themselves".

Really, though, it's because we have so much wide open space. Gotta fill that space with swimming pools and flourocarbons to deplete the atmosphere's protective layers such that the swimming pools become a necessity!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
So do we by yicky yacky (4.00 / 2) #6 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:31:48 AM EST

The north wind and puddles; don't be fooled by their flashy names.


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Vacuity abhors a vacuum.
[ Parent ]
I would sooner swim in a puddle by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #10 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:41:54 AM EST

than a "swimming pool". At least parents don't drop their kids off in puddles, then let them swim around making warm spots all afternoon.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Dude, let it go by notafurry (4.00 / 1) #36 Thu May 04, 2006 at 09:31:08 AM EST
It was a long time ago, and everyone experiments a little in college.

[ Parent ]
We call them by calla (2.00 / 0) #43 Fri May 05, 2006 at 05:51:53 PM EST
'cement ponds' on this side of the lake.


[ Parent ]
i once got in a pretty serious tiff by 256 (4.00 / 3) #4 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:30:24 AM EST
with my queer friends for indicating that TS/TVs and furries were basically playing the same game.

ah well. if they can't get over their patriarchy instilled anti-furry bigotry, that's their problem.
---
I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni

You know what image I haven't used in a while? by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #9 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:41:00 AM EST

Not a one of us is free until furries are accepted in the Pride March!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Where are you looking for apts? by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #7 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:34:52 AM EST
or is that too extreme to tell.


Way too EXTREME by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #12 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:43:53 AM EST

But imagine I'm facing you and holding up my right hand. It's about 3 feet to the right of my right hand.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
You're moving to cubicle 95? by georgeha (4.00 / 2) #13 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:58:57 AM EST
That's right next to the printers, you'll never get any sleep.


[ Parent ]
It's to scale by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #18 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:35:25 AM EST

With this as a reference point. Also, when I say to the right, I mean to my right. I'm not moving to the middle of the Atlantic. Though that'd be cool. I can also say I'm not moving from a cubicle, or to a cubicle. Offices with lockable doors FOR LIFE, yo!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Colbert by lm (4.00 / 1) #8 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:36:49 AM EST
I've read the transcript. Maybe I should watch the video because the transcript didn't seem very funny.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
It was OK. by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #11 Thu May 04, 2006 at 06:42:59 AM EST

If you like his show, you'll like the speech. It was not, however, a "momentous occasion in the history of mankind", the likes of which, say, usually make the news.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
IMO, it wasn't really funny by lm (2.00 / 0) #31 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:23:38 AM EST
I'm more partial to Al Franken's humor, but only the stuff he writes. Franken's radio show is usually not very funny except for the bits he writes out ahead of time. His books tend to be quite funny.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
Of course, humor is subjective by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #33 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:35:44 AM EST

Or at least the interpretation of it is. What isn't subjective is that Colbert's speech wasn't "earth-shattering", and was no cause for anyone to get their panties in a bunch. It was another comedy bit, at another press dinner, for the umpteenth year in a row.

Cory Doctorow has become what The Great Prophet, tps12, said didn't exist.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
I ignore Cory Doctorow by lm (2.00 / 0) #34 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:50:55 AM EST
Well, it isn't so much that I ignore him but that I don't really pay him any attention.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
Interestingly enough by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #38 Thu May 04, 2006 at 09:42:54 AM EST

Cory Doctorow is what I wrote about in this diary. The Colbert stuff was tangential, and acted as a direct object in order to further my Doctorow defamation.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Probably because, by mrgoat (4.00 / 2) #40 Thu May 04, 2006 at 09:49:47 AM EST
A lot of the material was, verbatim, from his previous shows. It's not so much that he said, that's funny, or what he said, that is funny, what was funny, I think, is that he said it near the president, instead of back in his studio.

--top hat--
[ Parent ]
I didn't find that particularly funny by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #41 Thu May 04, 2006 at 11:02:28 AM EST

But, then again, I don't Hate America.

Really, though, I thought the material was funny, but I liked it the first time I saw it, as well. On his show. The Tixinator said it already, but this press dinner president-mocking happens every year, like, well, an Annual Dinner.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Well, see, by mrgoat (2.00 / 0) #44 Sat May 06, 2006 at 06:59:34 PM EST
I hate america, and everything that it stands for, apparently.

By which I mean, I walk to work, everyday. To a state agency. In New York. (The state, not the city.)

It's right in my job title. I'm a Hating America Specialist I.

Now, if Colbert had bothered to write some material for the occassion, which, you know, is the kind of thing that could have been kind of a big deal for him, then it would have been better.

But I still laughed.

--top hat--

[ Parent ]
couldn't hack the Specialist II reqs? by infinitera (4.00 / 1) #45 Tue May 23, 2006 at 11:52:12 AM EST

[…] a professional layabout. Which I aspire to be, but am not yet. — CheeseburgerBrown

[ Parent ]
Video is worse than the transcript by cam (4.00 / 2) #23 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:46:26 AM EST
the transcript had me laughing out loud, the video is full of uncomfortable pauses. I love the audacity of Colbert. On the Daily Show they pick losers to have uncomfortable interviews with, like the guy who showed his buttocks and claimed it was a 1st amendment right or something. I think Ed Helms when looking for another job said his particular skill was making uncomfortable and embarrasing pauses in interviews. Colbert does the same, but just to anyone and everyone; including the President. I dont know why Richard Cohen felt obliged to write about it, it is the same stuff that Colbert does on his show?

Good on him, our politicians and media need more pokes in the eye.

cam
Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic

[ Parent ]
condo pool. by garlic (2.00 / 0) #14 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:00:08 AM EST
my condo has a 'pool'. Not that you could swim in it because I've seen plastic kiddie pools that had more surface area than this thing. We pay $6000 or so a year for pool maintainance, which is like $200 per unit. The retarded thing is that we're about half a mile away from the community center with an indoor pool that can be used year round. Sending people who want a pool there would be cheaper for everyone, and you could actually swim in that one.


Well, *some* people could swim in that by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #19 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:41:07 AM EST

(the community center indoor pool, that is). I still couldn't, but I'm batshit insane with regard to public bodies of water. I avoid them at all costs, and will only swim in a private pool if I know the people who've swam in it for the past two or three weeks well enough to know they're relatively disease-free. To the credit of this behavior, I have never in my life contracted any disease from swimming! Hell, I hardly ever even get a cold.

I totally don't understand condo/apartment complex pools. We have one here, and it's fair-sized, but the management refuses to allot a 3 week period of mns-only swimming, so I've never used it, and rarely see anyone but little kids in it. When I lived in Kalamazoo, there was a tiny pool up by the main office that I *never* saw anyone swim in. Then again, half the year, it was filled with snow, and the other half, I was out of town all the time.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
our development has a pool by cam (4.00 / 1) #20 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:42:34 AM EST
but you cant do laps in it because the thing is a couple of ellipses and has a waterspout in the center. I think they design it so that it wont be used. I cant get a "pass" anyway, I have an outstanding ticket with the HOA over not painting my front window.

cam
Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic

[ Parent ]
White washed appartments by MartiniPhilosopher (4.00 / 1) #15 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:04:37 AM EST
Good luck finding one that isn't. There's some sort of international conspircy by the owners to use white in every interior they own. That or they all bought cheap white paint in bulk at some point in the 80s that they're still trying to work through.

Whenever I hear one of those aforementioned douche bags pontificate about how dangerous [...] videogames are I get a little stabby. --Wil Wheaton.

Paint Conspiracy by Improbus (4.00 / 1) #17 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:28:29 AM EST
I rented from a guy that painted all his rental houses blue.  Why?  He got a really good deal on blue paint.  The house I rented was atrocious but cheap.  In fact, my house mate and I had to help the landlord remove about two dozen large trash bags of garbage before we could move in.  Got to love life in a college town.



If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago. --- Oma Desala
[ Parent ]
Where I'm looking, I've found 3 candidates by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #21 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:43:39 AM EST

thus far that have red, blue, or beige walls with white ceilings. I could live with any of those three, really. Or grey. Or maybe a light green. Or dark green. Just not white. I realize I'm setting the bar pretty high here, but I feel it's justified. I've lived below my means for years, so it's time to upgrade, and wall color seems to be a direct indicator of higher standards of living.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Wall Colours by cam (4.00 / 1) #35 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:58:49 AM EST
bedroom cream
office purple/mouve
spare bedroom blue
lounge room cream
family room brown
kitchen white
bedroom bathroom green
garage white

We invite epos to our house and make them run between rooms at high speed.

cam
Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic

[ Parent ]
Magnolia by idiot boy (2.00 / 0) #42 Fri May 05, 2006 at 02:24:46 AM EST
In the UK, this is the universal and sickening colour of the landlord. I don't know what happens to them. They buy a house to rent and suddenly they think magnolia is a nice colour.

Actually I do know. It hides the dirt a bit better than white = fewer re-paints.

It's still disgusting though.

[ Parent ]
Prairie dogging by Breaker (4.00 / 2) #16 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:28:27 AM EST
Or have you got the tortoise's head?


Well, at this point by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #22 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:45:16 AM EST

I've crowned, and logged out.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
And the free world can rest easy by Breaker (4.00 / 1) #25 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:55:34 AM EST
Until tomorrow!


[ Parent ]
Or later today, by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #28 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:16:10 AM EST

depending on how much afternoon coffee I drink...


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
poop fetishist! by MillMan (4.00 / 2) #24 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:49:14 AM EST
dude, rent a floor of a house in $TOP_SECRET_CITY. Apartment complexii are bad for the soul.

Also, I was having a bad day until I got to pet some doggies outside the local food mart. PUPPIES!

Everybody still hates me in this city and I hate everybody.

Hrmm, you may be onto something there... by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #30 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:23:34 AM EST

But, on the other hand, I don't believe in "souls", so I won't look for a floor of a house out of fear, more out of the desire to have more space.

And funny how PUPPIES brighten any day, eh? Office Samoyed was here today, and I took a twenty minute nap, resting my head on her soft, furry back, and I feel FRIGGIN AWESOME now.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
making poops by 606 (4.00 / 1) #26 Thu May 04, 2006 at 07:57:46 AM EST
I will play that game soon.

You should confirm or deny some stuff to me by e-mail.

Sexual preferences are sexual preferences and who cares what people like? Some people like UTBNB. Some people like a good Hot Carl. Some people like to wear women's clothes. Meh. As long as I don't have to see it, though with furries you do cuz it's all over the Intarweb, and with trannies it's (sometimes) on the street or in bars. What's that quote? "People can do whatever they like in their bedrooms, so long as they don't do it in the street and startle the horses." I'm not sure who's quote I'm mangling there.

-----
imagine dancing banana here

I'm all for everybody doing what they want by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #29 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:21:29 AM EST

even if it's wearing women's clothes or eating poops. Strangely, this belief that people should be able to do what they want extends all the way out to include "making fun of other people". Some people seem to want a clause that says "let people do what they want, free from the mocking criticism of the public at large", and I'm not down with that. It oppresses those who like mocking, and seeing as how I'm one of those people, I'll fight for it. If you don't want what you do, think, or say in public to be mocked in public, then don't do, think or say what you're thinking about doing, thinking, or saying, in public.

It's Jeffersonian, really.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
AC as a Feature by ks1178 (4.00 / 1) #27 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:00:28 AM EST
I agree with all of your other auto-elimination points, but I'd be wary of an apartment that doesn't list AC. Very likely it's not that they assume that's a given, but they don't actually have it.

Hopefully the price range I'm looking at by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #32 Thu May 04, 2006 at 08:25:53 AM EST

is already weeding those places out, but you can never be too sure, so I'll definitely ask before I sign anything.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
or, by garlic (4.00 / 1) #37 Thu May 04, 2006 at 09:38:27 AM EST
you can verify it's central air. Places with central air should be much classier than places with window / wall units.


[ Parent ]
Given. by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #39 Thu May 04, 2006 at 09:44:09 AM EST

I would go so far as to say I don't consider wall-unit air conditioning to be real air conditioning, but, again, I think the price range I'm looking at precludes any window AC units from being present. Still, better safe than sweaty.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Making Poops, For Reals. | 45 comments (45 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback