Print Story An Abridged Numerical Dating History, Part Two vs. Another Regular Diary
Family
By MohammedNiyalSayeed (Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 07:48:50 AM EST) (all tags)
I am Sofa King We Todd Ed.


4.0: Codename Accidentally Fucked Her Own Brother: In her freshman year of college, she dated one of my roommates. Both of them were adopted in the same town at the same time, but the disturbing aspect was that, as it turns out, they both had the same birth mother. Which is to say that they were fraternal twins. Who dated. And didn't know it. Surprisingly, she had some issues.

Map, the Remote Control Hog

Could you pry that thing from his tiny little paws? I couldn't do it, even with the frustration of having woken up at 5am when he was growling about how he had to go poop, then standing around in my pajama pants and a fleece, freezing my nuts off, while he completely refused to make poops, instead preferring to sniff stuff, and look around. Good times, good times.

5.0.1: Codename Anarchist: You know that feeling when you're dating someone just because you're too fucking lazy to find someone else, or too fucking lame to address the fact you don't want to be in the relationship with that person? Yeah. It's not a proud feeling, is it.

Crazy Morning Beard

So it seems that my beard is now officially long enough that every single morning I suffer from Crazy Morning Beard. This morning, the right side of the beard was completely flat, and the left side was sticking straight out, horizontally, from my face. Friggin' awesome. This only made me look cooler and more justicey when I took the pup out to make the poops. I really should start hairspraying it when it's like that, so it stays like that all day.

6.0: Codename Princess Guinevier: Princess Guinevier was from Webster Groves, the third and youngest of three Catholic daughters. She introduced me to heartbreak, the likes of which prior to her I had never known. I don't harbor ill will towards her, but she is unique in that I sincerely hope I never see her again. I think it would be entirely too depressing, and confusing. Once, I wrote a paper for her about Margeret Atwood, for which she received a B+. I was very offended by that grade, as I felt it was most decidedly an A-quality paper, but when you do other people's homework for them, you don't always get to complain about the grade they get, I guess. These days, the princess is an attorney. Rowr.

Is it just me,

Or did Teri Hatcher actually just get hotter?

7.0.3: Codename Purity: Round deux of dating Purity, though by this point she was, shall we say, less pure. This made dating her a lot easier. The coolest thing was getting to know each other all over again, after both of us had grown up quite a bit.

Thoughts on Yetii

Many years ago, I posted some very valuable insights into the Universal Sasquatchian Knowledge Base. All praise archive.org for preserving this useful resource.

Who are the Sasquatches?

The Sasquatches are alien beings from another planet. This is why bodies have never been found. As well, Sasquatches do not defecate. They simply eat, and grow larger, and when they reach 480 pounds or greater, they are sent back to their home planet, where they continue to eat, eventually resulting in a grotesque explosion of processed food. This is usually in a tank, specially designed for such explosions, called the "Fecal Explosion Tank."

Where are they from?

The MNS/lab has conclusive data that documents the origin of the Sasquatch as being Uranus, which is a boggy, dark planet similar in environment to the Pacific Northwest. Any evidence that contradicts this fact is part of a conspiracy to conceal the truth on the behalf of those who conceal truth with some degree of regularity.

What do they want?

The Sasquatches simply want to live amongst us, and use all available land to produce Summer Squash. They would also like to hire a good number of us to help them with the production, and are currently in negotiations with the United Nations in an attempt to set up trade legislation, which would dictate acceptable currencies and labor rates. Once again, to paraphrase the immortal words of Nicole Dawn Maschke, "just because you don't agree with these statements doesn't make them not true; it only means you don't agree."

Why are they here?

Confidential documentation indicates that the Sasquatches are here to scout out a place to grow the food that they need to continue their lifestyle of gratuitous overconsumption; Summer Squash (named by the Native Americans after the alien beasts who brought the plant to this planet, and the time of year during which they made their initial appearance). The Sasquatches are in the process of trying to legally acquire land in order to create huge, federally- funded (by Sasquatch Uranal Government; not our own) Summer Squash farms so that their gluttony may continue unfettered.

How are they going to get it?

The Sasquatches are already in the process of normalizing us to the idea that they are here among us; one need only look at pop culture to see dumbed-down versions of Sasquatch mechanisms (See "X-Files" [aliens], "Star Wars" [Jedi = Yeti], television "mystery" shows). These are to help us become more comfortable with their presence. As well, they have made frequent attempts to contact campers and outdoorsmen, who unfortunately, have spurned these advances, out of fear, hatred and bigotry. This will eventually change, and the Sasquatches will become friends of North Americans, and subsequently, friends of the world (except, of course, the French, who do not have the resources to generate significant Summer Squash crops, and whose bodily odors compete in strength with those of the Squatches, which they take as an affront.

8.0: Codename Regret: To this day, I wonder what would have happened had circumstances been different. It doesn't help that she emails me out of the blue upon discovering her husband has been cheating on her, asking for advice and a shoulder to cry on.

It is a Proud Day for Ireland

And Catholicism.

9.0.3: Codename Not the Right Waitress: There once was a bar that I frequented fairly often. I had a total crush on one of the waitresses. Once, that waitress came over to my table and told me that there was "a waitress that liked me". While I hoped that she meant herself, turned out, she didn't. The subsequent relationship was odd. We had absolutely nothing in common, aside from our desires to defile ourselves in a wide variety of ways.

Changes at My Apartment Complex

This past Saturday, I picked up a note posted to my front door from the apartment management company. It seems they've sold the place once again, this time to a Floridian company. This place has changed ownership 3 times now in the last 12 months. I figured not much would change.

However, my ex-roommate/coworker emailed me this morning to say he talked to Burt, the head leasing agent dude, who informed him that:

FYI, I just found out that ${apartmentComplex} is going condo in 10 months. Burt says that they're not going to renew anyone's leases. Instead, everyone will go month-to-month. They're also not going to hold anyone to their leases--they just want a 30 day notice.

Now, had I just moved here, this would be annoying news. Yet, I'm ready to leave. In fact, this could not be better timed for my purposes. Still, what I find strange about the announcement is that I've generally thought of condos as places that were kind of nice, new, fixed up, and attractive to buyers. I cannot fathom someone wanting a condo being remotely interested in this place. Maybe they're going to tear down all the existing buildings and construct new ones? Oh well, not my fucking problem, yo. Step one: Procure new job. Step two: Move the fuck out of Dodge.

9.4: Codename HOLY FUCK THOSE ARE HUGE: I've referred to her before. Her name was Haley, and she had big thingies.

I love Ben Stein

He's no Christopher Hitchens, but he's still funny as hell. On the subject of Hollywood and the Oscars, I hereby express disinterest. I didn't go see Brokeback Mountain. I didn't go see Crash. I have no interest in either one. Until zombie movies get their own category, and David Lynch starts winning Best Picture oscars, I will continue to ignore Hollywood. They make crap films. This is why their profits have decreased; not because of piracy. The solution to film crapitude is to make less crappy films. It's a simple solution, really. Maybe someday they'll figure it out.

10.0: Codename Only Child: As a girlfriend, manipulative, selfish, and prone to crying when she didn't get her way. As a landlord, offered an excellent deal for renting out her basement, which was awesome except for when her boyfriend (also known as my drinking buddy) was out of town, at which point she'd get drunk and try to make out with me. Sometimes I'd resist. Sometimes I wouldn't.

Cindy Sheehan: Addicted to Fame

Heh, heh, heh. She's just busy! She hasn't got time for trivial shit like putting a marker on her son's grave.

12.4: Codename Weedwhore: Nuff said.

OH NOES, I'M GONNA DIED!!111

It seems that having more than 2 cups of coffee a day may cause heart attacks. I trust, however, that my cigarette habit actually counteracts this risk.

12.9: Codename The Right Waitress: Remember that waitress who introduced me to the other waitress? Well, I eventually dated the right waitress. When she was a child, her parents were killed by a tornado. A fucking tornado. What. The. Fuck.

Utter Barbarism

On the subject of coffee, one of the saddest things about lmfB getting a new job is that I no longer get free coffee all the time. Sure, sometimes her roommates (using the term very loosely, as, really, she is almost *always* over here) will be working, and they'll hook me up with an undercharged drink, but the days of a free bag of fresh beans every week and all the Venti Blackeyes are gone, and it brings a little Indian tear to my eye. Man, that shit is expensive when you have to pay for it! Who knew?

13.0: Codename Laurel: I've already written about this shit. Serious, adult-scale damage.

Give Me One Good Reason

Not to blow off work, get lifted, and go take a nap with the puppy right now. I dare you. Fuck you, motherfucker! I'm doin' it! IF YOU TRY TO STOP ME, IRAN WILL STOP SELLING OIL TO THE US!

Oh, wait... they already don't sell oil to the US? Oh, well, nevermind.

14.0: Codename I'm Not Ready: I've only online-dated one time. I'll never do it again. However, to tell the truth, I could have done worse. Months after Laurel, I figured I was ready to dip my toes in the dating pool, so I gave a look at craigslist. There was one and only one ad which didn't fill me with revulsion; Codename I'm Not Ready was a Fall fan, and mentioned said fact in her description. We emailed back and forth for a while, then decided to meet each other. She was pretty, and nice, and smart, and funny. I, however, was still way too damaged by the Laurel experience. Pile on top of that the disillusionment with humanity I went through after September 11th, and I ended up withdrawing from society as a whole. I still hope she understands that; she was good people, and certainly no one I'd ever wish harm upon.

Hot Audio Editing Action

Looks like djproselytic and I are collaborallationating on a cover of "Underground" from Swordfishtrombones. So far, all systems go. After I wake up from my mid-day nap, I'll probably finish the mix, and submit it.

14.5: Codename Me With Tits: I have a friend who used to refer to his sister as himself, but with tits. Well, I met Me With Tits as she was a coworker of my friend David. Sadly, she had a boyfriend, but that didn't stop us from debauching at will for a few months. Now, for the record, when I say "Me With Tits", I don't mean she looks anything like me; I just mean our personalities were very, very similar. Eerily so, even. Fortunately for me, she was substantially cuter than I am.

I am So Behind On Personal Correspondence

That it's not even funny. I've got 14 draft emails half-written. I've got a stack of unresponded-to email to hit off after that. Maybe I'll just claim the spam filter ate it all. That shit still works, right?

The puppy is now licking my pillow. I have to put an end to this.

Lighters up, motherfuckers. It's 4:20 somewhere...

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An Abridged Numerical Dating History, Part Two vs. Another Regular Diary | 31 comments (31 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I miss my sister's partner by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #1 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 07:56:31 AM EST
who is also a barista, and hooks us up with free beans when we see her, which isn't enough, so I end up buying beans at the store to the tune of probably $40 a month.

Mrs. Ha has expressed interest in working at Starbucks, but she wants to work at one she doesn't like, so when it doesn't work it she can still go to a Starbucks she does like. But, she has yet to apply.


You mentioned Mrs. Ha wanting to be a barista by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #2 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 08:11:47 AM EST

And I hereby approve of being selective about which one she's willing to work at. The bennies are hella cool, as I said before, and if you get the right group of people, they can be pretty cool, too.

I guess I knew the beans were expensive, but holy fuck that's a lot of money for home-coffee, as it doesn't include out-coffee. I am so investing in Starbucks stock ASAP.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Ayup, 12+ scoops day, which ends up as by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #4 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 08:39:24 AM EST
7 Chinese "cups" a day, plus whatever Mrs. Ha makes to get through the day.

I should start buying some 8 o'clock brand and supplement the pricey Starbucks beans with those, do the time honored unknowing switch.


[ Parent ]
It occurs to me by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #6 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 08:56:02 AM EST

That I really have no idea how many scoops I use anymore. I just fill the grinder to where the cap goes on, grind the hell out of it, throw it in the filter, fill the pot, and let it rip, I don't know just how many scoops of ground coffee I actually use.

Thanks a lot, dude. Now I'm friggin' OBSESSING over it, and, as such, will have to add a measuring step to my ritual!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
I think the Manbeard is ready by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #3 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 08:26:43 AM EST
Sasquatch Militia wants you.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
I'm totally going undercover by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #5 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 08:49:22 AM EST

Looks like their militia could use a system administrator, so this could be a win-win!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
WHO SILENCED SASQUATH MILITIA? by Rogerborg (4.00 / 1) #7 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 08:56:28 AM EST
Is there nothing that BUSHITBLIAR won't stoop to?

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
A picture by Rogerborg (4.00 / 1) #8 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 08:58:08 AM EST
is worth a thousand dead links.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
The Uncle Sasquatch one was what I found by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #9 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 09:03:18 AM EST

at cafepress. SOLD!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
On Iran not selling us their oil by lm (4.00 / 3) #10 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 09:11:58 AM EST
By putting their oil on the market they might as well be selling us their oil. The only way to not effectively sell us the oil is to not sell it at all. If Iran did that, we would be pretty fucked. Of course, Iran would be fucked harder without the oil revenues than we would be by the higher prices.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
being fucked by ucblockhead (4.00 / 2) #17 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 11:51:22 AM EST
I'm fairly convinced that a small shortage of oil now would decrease the bad effects of the big shortage of oil that is bound to come some time in the future. A small shortage would cause problems, but it'd be the kick in the butt needed that'd get people to make changes that'd make the big shortage easier to deal with.
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[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
15% of OPEC's production doesn't count as small by lm (4.00 / 1) #18 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 12:20:46 PM EST
But I do agree with you that, long term, a gradual increase would be much better than running into a cliff. There are all sorts of energy sources that become viable once the price of oil approaches $100 per barrel on a sustained level. If oil starts to inch up now, it gives us time to build the infrastructure for those alternatives.

There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
"small" by ucblockhead (4.00 / 2) #19 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 04:48:44 PM EST
I mean, compared to 100%. When I say "small dislocation" I mean "Like to OPEC oil crisis in the seventies".

My fear is that the way the market is structured, it'll be more of a cliff, and that also, like the proverbial frog, the public only notices shocks, not gradual increases.
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[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

[ Parent ]
I can't find any good figures on the seventies by lm (4.00 / 1) #20 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 06:17:44 PM EST
If Iran stopped production altogether, about 6% of the US oil supply would evaporate overnight. (Iran is responsible for about 15% of OPEC production and OPEC is responsible for about 40% of US oil imports.) I guess that's within the realm of hiccuping. During the seventies, the US cut down on consumption by about 5% during the Arab oil embargo.

OTOH, I think that 21st century society is far more dependent on oil than 1970s era America.

Do you happen to know by what percentage world production actually fell in '73?


There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
Not sure by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #27 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 05:47:46 AM EST
I do know that when that happened, a higher percentage of oil production was in the mideast, and that it wasn't just Iran that turned off the spigot.

I suspect we're actually a tiny bit less dependent then in the seventies...that was the age of muscle cars, and since then we've built more coal-fire plants. The embargo influenced a number of moves to reduce oil dependence. Unfortunately, we backslide in the nineties. I'm not entirely sure...

According to wiki, US consumption dropped 6% dring the embargo.
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[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

[ Parent ]
one word: sprawl by lm (2.00 / 0) #29 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 06:24:25 AM EST
With regards to energy production, I would agree that we're far less dependent on oil than in the seventies.

With regards to the average joe getting to work, I think we're far more dependent on oil. Futher, suburban and exurban lifestyles are now far more dependent on cheap gas. I think a need to reduce oil consumption by 5% would hurt more people far more quickly than thirty years ago.


There is no more degenerate kind of state than that in which the richest are supposed to be the best.
Cicero, The Republic
[ Parent ]
I dunno by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #30 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 06:40:04 AM EST
I honestly do not know if that's the case or not. I am convinced that a 5% reduction now would cause changes that would make the eventual 100% reduction less painful.
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[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Definitely *not* killed by a tornado. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 2) #11 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 09:19:19 AM EST
I'd wager they were struck by some tornado-blown debris, such as a collapsing building, or a stray cow, unless they were sucked up by the tornado, then dropped, but then they'd be dead from the trauma of falling from a height and striking the ground, or some other object.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Everybody by Gedvondur (4.00 / 3) #13 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 09:58:41 AM EST
Dies from lack of oxygen to the brain.

Even if that brain is scattered over several hundred square feet.

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
I tried finding out more about the specifics by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #14 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 10:19:47 AM EST

But apparently that was a bad idea. The lesson I didn't learn was that "people who grow up without parents, grow up weird, and usually end up weird". It's entirely true, but it took me like four other girlfriends to figure it out.

It's important to be sure of your thesis, after all!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
LOL. Everyone's fucked up in their own way. by dmg (4.00 / 1) #31 Thu Mar 23, 2006 at 10:58:51 AM EST
Amusingly enough this came on iTunes just at the time I started reading this diary. Spooky.
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dmg - HuSi's most dimwitted overprivileged user.
[ Parent ]
What's a Sofa King? by ks1178 (4.00 / 1) #12 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 09:49:27 AM EST
Man I love asking people to read that out loud when they're messed up.

Good times.

Not so fast... Loses meaning... by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #15 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 10:34:09 AM EST

The puppy totally doesn't get the joke. Sometimes I wonder if dogs are even capable of reading.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
And you can't by ks1178 (4.00 / 1) #16 Wed Mar 08, 2006 at 10:43:25 AM EST
stop repeating it out loud until you finally understand it.

[ Parent ]
Your beard has been an inspiration to me by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #21 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 12:37:50 AM EST
In persuading my flatmate to also grow a huge, voluminous beard. Luckily he has been invited to a Victorian exporer-themed fancy dress party in a month's time, so the beard is on its way.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

I made a pact with a very good friend by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #22 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 04:26:29 AM EST

who is also growing his beard, that neither of us will shave these things until after October 31st, 2006, when we've successfully attended another mutual friend's annual Halloween/Burning-shit-party as ZZ Top. Personally, I'm not shaving mine, ever, but then again, that's me.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Superb by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #23 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 04:51:07 AM EST
Now all you need is another friend with a clone moustache and a mullet.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
And the party's held in Indiana by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #24 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 05:18:20 AM EST

So finding such qualifications for the third participant shouldn't be too hard.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Just pull some guy out of the nearest trucker bar by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #25 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 05:35:13 AM EST
Oh god I sooooo want to go to this party

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
Well, I hereby extend an invitation by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #26 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 05:45:32 AM EST

Imagine, if you will, a large, rural field, full of arty hipsters taking drugs, drinking like fish, and blowing shit up. Seriously blowing shit up. Last year, I'm told they had a shitty old car which they took turns driving (drunk) in a field, then they unloaded firearms into the thing, and set it on fire.

The beautiful thing about having a sizable portion of land, is that you can totally, and legally, drive a shitty, unregistered car around while totally blitzed, provided you don't leave the land and hop on an Interstate or something.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Now that sounds good by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #28 Thu Mar 09, 2006 at 06:03:46 AM EST
In the unlikely event that I find myself in Indiana (well, you never know), I'll be sure to get in touch :-)

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It's political correctness gone mad!

[ Parent ]
An Abridged Numerical Dating History, Part Two vs. Another Regular Diary | 31 comments (31 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback