Print Story There's three fundamental elements to a hit record
Furries
By MohammedNiyalSayeed (Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 06:21:28 AM EST) makin' poops, friggin' intense (all tags)

There's rock, and there's... there's pizzazz... and there's the vocals bein' loud enough and shit.

Some people call me a Free-Range Jackass.
Some people call me a son-of-a-bitch
Some people call me up and ask for people who don't live here.
I'm gonna blame all the zeros in my phone number.


PICKING THE SCAB(S)!

Day before yesterday, during my morning shower (as opposed to my afternoon or evening showers), I scrubbed my new tattoos extra hard. This felt like cleaning a cut out with a wire brush; not unbearable, but certainly not pleasant. This had the most excellent result of scraping the outer layer of skin, which had begin to peel, off my tattoos. Unfortunately, it also had the side-effect of getting a bunch of red and black skin flakes lodged in the poofy shower thing that was once mine. I fixed this situation by claiming the other poofy shower thing as mine, thus giving the skin-flake-infested one to la mia former Barista. She seems unaware of this switch of ownership, preferring, instead, to just keep using what used to be her poofy shower thing. While I'm a little skeeved out by her using the same poofy thing as me, ultimately, we swap fluids, so I should probably just get used to it. Or throw out my former poofy shower thing and buy a new one, which is what I will likely do later today. That thing is a couple months old, anyway, and who knows how many non-visible germs, bacteria, skin flakes, and little bodily wildebeasts are hiding in it's meshy tendrils?

I am a naked spaceman
I like to stand naked on the moon
I am naked and I like to watch the stars, and satellites
I have a broken four-track recorder
I like to record rock guitar. I like distortion rock-songs.
I want to be a Superstar... okay!

If the Eighties are Back, Then I have a PLAN

Musically, the first few years of this century have been marked by an influx of 80's-sound revival bands. The Strokes. The Faint. Franz Ferdinand. Interpol. These bands conjure up the audio imagery of Joy Division, Gang of Four, and the like, but offer better production standards and more modern recording techiques. Any given Interpol album sounds like any given Joy Division record, had it been recorded with better mics, less tape noise, and deeper, more resonant bass. That's all well and good, I suppose, but why must they dig in such shallow cultural dirt? Were there not more interesting things going on, musically, during that time? Hell(z) yeah, there were, and that's where my plan kicks in!

Be kind to the tiny mice,
Don't freeze them in icy ice
Don't step on them in the hall
Don't drop them from upstairs at malls
Be kind to the tiny birds
Don't tease them with harmful words
Like "punk-ass, scared-to-sleep-on-cars
cat-lovin'-bitch". Say things to them like
"Wow, your beak looks shiny".
Make way for the vicious cougar
He's in the drive-thru ordering tacos
And burgers for his friends at the
Cougar Den, If you bought booze, they'll
allow you in. The parrot will make you clap
when he sings "oh go fuck yourself"
you'll laugh and laugh. Like Monkey he
sits in cage, but he'd rather go free today

I shall take what Laibach did tongue-in-cheek, and do it without cracking a smile. I shall use the sentiments expressed by the prophets of that time; prophets like Boyd Rice, William Bennett, Peter Sotos, Douglas Pearce, Tony Wakeford, Patrick Leagas, Steven Stapleton, David Tibet, and sundry others, and I will compact and mutilate those sentiments until they appear to be pop songs about love and loss, then I will market them to the same imbeciles buying My Chemical Romance songs like so many McGriddles.

This plan is without flaw, and is bound to succeed gloriously.

It would be a lot easier, though, if some friendly Venture Capitalists would give me 24.3 million dollars for "expenses" and "promotion". By which I mean to say I would take the money, move it to the Cayman Islands, then Switzerland, then pull a vanishing act, and start writing Hello Kitty commercial music in Japan under an assumed name, while living off the interest of an invested 12.8 million, which is about what it would take, conservatively, to maintain a lifestyle of 120-130k a year. The rest, I'd just blow on recording equipment and drugs. By which I mean "art supplies".

You Punk-Ass, Scared-to-Sleep-on-Cars, Cat-Lovin' Bitch!

This is the first day I've bothered to come in to the office in over 2.3 weeks. Life is so much better when you don't even bother to pretend you're actually working. But I have actually been working. In my pajamas. They are the CAT'S PAJAMAS, and you motherfuckers KNOW IT.

This
Is how it always starts
Dumb choices from the heart
Oh shit
I can't let them see me like this

C-Clamp my pussy?

Weird thing about manly manbeards: they retain herb smells even more than cigarette smells. la mia former Barista and I went to a movie (The World's Fastest Indian), and during said movie, she noted that someone must be having a good time. When she explained that she just smelled TEH W33D, I figured it all out. It was me. It's pretty cool to go around smelling like drugs, I guess.

Never could be your friend
Fifty percent less words
I wonder if I can

Oh, and the World's Fastest Indian is a pretty good date movie, in the sense that, despite having no zombies, violence, or violent zombies, it manages to still be a feel-good lollercoaster of mild chuckles, all the while NOT TELLING A FUCKING LOVE STORY. I mean, really, does the world need another fucking love story?

You don't have to be alone anymore
Good company's a gift
You don't have to be alone anymore
Go ahead, dispell the myth
You don't have to be alone anymore
Sad letters on the drift
You don't have to be alone anymore
That really ain't no way to live
That really ain't no way to live

I must admit, throughout the film, I kept expecting Anthony Hopkins to FLIP OUT and CUT PEOPLE'S HEADS OFF then eat their livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. You know, just like he did in that one movie... What was that called? Oh yeah, Remains of the Day. That one.

It's OK to eat the heart of a cow, but you shouldn't eat their filter organs. For all you know, they could be alcoholics. Or chronic aspirin abusers.

You know the cool thing about a good vacation is that when you come back, you just don't give a fuck about all that work crap you were stressed about before. Now, I just feel like concentrating on replacing this gig with one I hate less. Fuck the rest of it.

Guess what fucking time it is, yo? That's right! IT'S POOPS-THIRTY!

< The many, many things. | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
There's three fundamental elements to a hit record | 43 comments (43 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
You scrubbed your tattoos? by blixco (4.00 / 3) #1 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 06:24:13 AM EST
YOU SCRUBBED THEM?!?

Dude.  I'm....dude.  I'm shocked.

They will eventually peel n' heal past that stage...but you should be lotioning them to death.  Not exfoliating!
---------------------------------
Taken out of context I must seem so strange - Ani DiFranco

Even I Know That. by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 2) #2 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 06:33:31 AM EST
I keeps it real. by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #3 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 06:41:18 AM EST

Actually, it's just the nature of OCD. I cannot have something visible on my skin without automatically trying to scrub it. However, I am doing my best to lotionizing as much as possible. In fact, I think I'll go do it again right now!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
DAMMIT! by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 4) #10 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:30:20 AM EST

He meant the tatoo.

[ Parent ]
I planned ahead by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #13 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:45:04 AM EST

Where did you think I put that thing, anyway?


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
I don't know. by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #14 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:47:02 AM EST

I know where you want to put it *COUGH*ROBIN*COUGH, but I'm not sure where you actually put it.

Oh, you meant the tatoo.

[ Parent ]
owie by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 2) #41 Sat Mar 04, 2006 at 09:11:19 PM EST
if i did anything remotely close to scrubbing when i got my tattoo, i nearly threw up. the first washing and lotioning, i DID throw up. i cannot believe he scrubbed those things.
Send me to Austria!
[ Parent ]
I have a pretty high pain tolerance by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #42 Sun Mar 05, 2006 at 11:16:07 AM EST

Well, at least higher than to prevent me from indulging my compulsive desire to clean my wounds.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
World's Fastest should be a double feature by georgeha (4.00 / 2) #4 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 06:43:22 AM EST
with The Brown Bunny, for the ultimate date movie combo.


We watched World's Fastest, by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #6 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 06:59:05 AM EST

Then came home, played zombie games, then watched Charlotte Porn Waitress as the second entreé of the double-feature. Does that count?


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
An hour and twenty minutes of zombie-like by georgeha (4.00 / 3) #8 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:07:36 AM EST
behavior, followed by a five minute blowjob, yeap, that sounds like the Brown Bunny.


[ Parent ]
Hmmmm ... by Improbus (4.00 / 1) #5 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 06:47:07 AM EST
Now I have a reason not to grow a man beard ... not that I could anyway.  My hair genes only produce large amounts of hair on top of my head not my face.  At least I don't have to worry about going bald.



If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago. --- Oma Desala
Really, it's nothing that a quick rinse by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #7 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:01:37 AM EST

and maybe a handful of Redkin anti-snap conditioner can't cure. The only weird thing was readjusting to Raleigh life, after returning from San Francisco. When I first moved there, it took me six months to figure out that I didn't need Visine before I went out, because it didn't matter if anyone knew I was lifted. That mindset comes back quickly, then you find yourself in less civilized environs, where people do care if you're high or not.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Tai-Bo that pussy. by joh3n (4.00 / 1) #9 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:23:46 AM EST

----

Sauté my pussy! by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #17 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:49:10 AM EST

Karate-chop my pussy!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
SANDBLAST MY PUSSY! by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #19 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:52:06 AM EST

Oh, I seem to have gotten carried away again.

[ Parent ]
That should be in the extended remix by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #21 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:54:05 AM EST

Dog-train that pussy!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Wow. by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #23 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 08:52:44 AM EST

I'm getting all sorts of weird irony waves flowing from that one. Dog trained pussy? I'm not sure I could handle it.

[ Parent ]
There's a link in the parent. by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #27 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 08:57:10 AM EST

It explains everything.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
And like most of your links. . . by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #28 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 09:04:01 AM EST

I clicked it, saw a page full of nonsense that I didn't want to bother reading, then closed it.

I assume there's about two lines of text somewhere about three-quarters of the way down the page that is the explanation of which you speak, but like I tell the monkey, when you quote a cool movie, you don't have to make the person sit down and watch the whole movie right there on the spot. Just show them the cool bit if it's that important to you.

Man, I feel like I'm being kinda harsh to you today. I should probably offer to buy you a beer or something. I won't actually do it, but I'll make the offer.

[ Parent ]
That page was HAND TYPED BY ME! by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #31 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 10:14:36 AM EST

With LOVE!

The last song for which lyrics appear on there contains the entirety of the Holy Bible of Songs, "The Pussy Song". You have no choice but to learn, live, and love it. It is your destiny!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
That's not helping your case. by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #32 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 10:34:48 AM EST

Well, OK, it is. But only because studying your weirdness could be a full time job.

And I was right. Almost three quarters of the way down the page there's the line you posted. That is a pretty bad song lyrically. Sounds like something you'd hear on a pop-radio station. If I hear that Black Eyed Peas song "Whatchew gonna do with all that junk" crap again I'm gonna puke.

[ Parent ]
Dude, DONT MAKE ME ZERO YOU! by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #33 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 10:44:18 AM EST

Bad song, lyrically? BAD SONG, LYRICALLY? Arm of Roger is the BEST BAND OF ALL TIME! Every golden nugget of lyrical truth that stems from them is to be cherished and held, like a little baby puppy!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
I don't know. by Awakened Dreamer (2.00 / 0) #34 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 11:16:44 AM EST

Maybe I need to be more drunk to read that or something. It's just not doing nothing for me.

[ Parent ]
Maybe you just need to hear the source material by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #35 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 11:19:15 AM EST

Too bad I can't hook you up til I get home...


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
And by then it will be too late. . . by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #36 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 11:58:10 AM EST

FOR I WILL BE HOME, AND SUCKED INTO A WHIRLWIND OF ACTIVITY THE LIKES OF WHICH NO MERE MORTAL COULD WITHSTAND!

Thank gord I'm not mortal.

[ Parent ]
I know, I know by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #37 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 12:54:54 PM EST

But I'll hook it up anyway, then you can listen to it instead of working at work on Monday. Then you can make all your cow-orkers listen to it, too, when they come by to ask you what the fuck you're laughing at.

It's basically a bunch of throwaway joke demos recorded by Grandaddy when they got signed to V2, that they actually submitted as candidates for their first big release album on a major. Taking that into context, the songs are DOUBLE-PLUS-PLUS-FUNNY, in addition to being funny in and of themselves. The "Band Synergy" track, in particular, is both hilarious and uncomfortable. Hearing that, if you know anything about Grandaddy at all, you will see why the band broke up. Consider it the "GROUP THERAPY" era Metallica, except funny, instead of sad...


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Woah. by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #38 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 01:00:07 PM EST

Consider it the "GROUP THERAPY" era Metallica, except funny, instead of sad...

Can you do that? Seriously?

Bad songs recorded for a demo. Perfection.

[ Parent ]
It's all in the vocabulary: by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #39 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 01:05:02 PM EST
Because I can, I'll just post the whole thing here:
Panda: Like Santana and shit like that. Okay, so you got that, you got
that and then...
Timmy: All I'm sayin' is...
Panda: But, but, but then it's just like...
Timmy: There's three fundamental elements to a hit record alright,
there's, there's rock, and there's... there's pizzazz... and there's the
vocals bein' loud enough and shit.
Panda: But it's... but it's like ahhh okay... you get... you get complete
artistic freedom you know... and so it's just artistic freedom, I mean
you're just like goin'... it's just like, okay.
Timmy: Kevin, Kevin, let's give him a little example of what we're
talkin' about here
Panda: It's just like , it's just like artistic freedom.
so it's like:
Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep. Papa don't preach, I been losin'
straight, but I made up my mind, I'm gonna keep the baby. Papa don't
preach... you know what I mean. So it's like that, it's like.
Timmy: 'nother perfect example, all I heard was your big old tom-tom
playin' and I couldn't hear your voice.
Panda: But that's what I'm tryin' to say. Maybe artistic freedom we have
to like...
Timmy: Get a producer.
Panda: Maybe artistic freedom...
Timmy: Get a producer loud-mouth.
Panda: Maybe artistic freedom, that's what we're supposed to do is just,
like, make the vocals so you can't hear 'em.
Timmy: Okay.
Panda: Maybe this record should just be drums.
Timmy: Maybe you oughta be in a little indie-rock band.
Panda: That's what I mean, maybe that's what we are.
Timmy: Okay.
Panda: It's just like okay, you're just sittin'...
Timmy: Okay, we got problems.
Panda: You're just sittin' there goin' like, uh, Ah Ah Ah-Ah-Ah-Aaaaaah.
All the time, all the time, it's just always vocals for you, that's all
you ever wanna hear is vocals
Timmy: I think we need to uh... I think we need to give you an example
of what hit records are all about. Kevin?
Kevin: G?
Timmy: Yup... and maybe if you can not play so loud, Mr. Play Loudy.
Panda: But that's... uh see. That's what I mean, I'm not.
Timmy: You can do some back-ups.
Panda: I'm not even the drummer in this band, I'm still the lead guitar-
ist and that's what I mean.
Timmy: You know what?
Panda: I still just, I just think maybe we have to like, break down all
the walls for this record.
Timmy: I hate every one of you guys in this band.
Panda: Maybe just all the walls have to be broken down though.
Timmy: Maybe I need to break... Kevin?
Panda: You're just Mr. Band-Fuckin'-Leader all the time.
Timmy: That's not even the right beat. Kevin, where's?
Kevin: Rock and roll?
Timmy: Who's that guy on Jay Letterman's show? Paul Davis? Where's
where's Jay Davis when you need 'im?

They gave themselves fake names and such in the liner notes, but how can awkward conversations that contain the phrase "Mr. Play Loudy" not be hilarious?


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Yeesh. by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #40 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:22:23 PM EST

I couldn't make it through the "Papa Don't Preach" quote. I'm thinking I need to hear the performance.

This is my five minutes of pain-of-death relaxation before sleep for the entire weekend. I hope I enjoy it.

[ Parent ]
I lack any big content by sasquatchan (4.00 / 4) #11 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:30:24 AM EST
but I thought you'd like this picture I found.
open for deposits

Sweet! by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #16 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:48:05 AM EST

The financial arm is up and running as planned! Lookout, Holy Land, we're going to take all your shit!


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Coincidence? by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #12 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:32:17 AM EST

I THINK NOT!

For being insane enough to scrub the shit out of new tatoos, I salute you. With what I'm not sure. If I figure it out, I'll be sure and let you know.

Indeed, it was an intentional reference by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #15 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:47:21 AM EST

I should probably be saluted with some sort of serotonin reuptake inhibitor or something, but I'll take what I get, cause I'm cool like that.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
I've got some M&Ms. by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 2) #18 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:50:40 AM EST

Here, I'll salute you with a couple of them. I might even still have some of those giant M&Ms laying around if I dig in the couch cushions.

[ Parent ]
All I ask by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #20 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 07:52:33 AM EST

Is that you make sure they're M&Ms. I mean, you could have had a rabbit over to visit or something...


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
No rabbits here damn it. by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #24 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 08:53:31 AM EST

All our poops are big enough to be recognized as poops. Except when their runny. And those wouldn't look like M&Ms anyway.

[ Parent ]
Unless you rolled the poops into balls by MohammedNiyalSayeed (2.00 / 0) #26 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 08:56:41 AM EST

and gave them a candy-coating... Just sayin'...


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Why? by Awakened Dreamer (4.00 / 1) #29 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 09:05:35 AM EST

Why would I wasted good poops on a candy coating?

[ Parent ]
For VC funding of 80s pop music development by cam (4.00 / 1) #22 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 08:18:19 AM EST
you must first display, prominently in a public place, a picture of yourself with a flock of seagulls hairdo.

cam
Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic

That's in the wrong direction on the 80s spectrum by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #25 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 08:55:58 AM EST

Flock of Seagulls   Joy Division   Current 93
^---------------------^-------------------^

I'm aiming at repurposing the stuff to the right of Joy Division, not the stuff to the left.


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Are you dissembling? by cam (4.00 / 1) #30 Fri Mar 03, 2006 at 09:59:52 AM EST
I know there is a picture ..... :)

cam
Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic

[ Parent ]
The rich seam of 80s new wave music by nebbish (4.00 / 1) #43 Mon Mar 06, 2006 at 01:52:20 AM EST
Is explored comprehensibly in this excellent book, which I cannot recommend highly enough. You will never be stuck for something to search for on p2p again.

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It's political correctness gone mad!

There's three fundamental elements to a hit record | 43 comments (43 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback