Print Story Aging Spinsters
By Christopher Robin was Murdered (Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 07:07:36 AM EST) (all tags)
Advance celebration warning system. Office gifts. Records. Reading.


    Yesterday was the birthday of Bella, the evangelical in sales. She'd been talking about it for the better part of two months. It started with generic comments about her supposedly advanced age. "I'm coming up on middle age," she'd moan.
    When actual middle-aged people suggested that she shouldn't consider her early thirties "middle age," she would respond with a sort of "But I'll be in my fifties eventually. You might as well call me grandma now."

    A week ago, the moaning turned into the repeated question, "So, what are we doing for my birthday?"
    This would be dropped into any conversation.

    "Bella, we've got to review the 2005 Q4 data for Company Y. We think they've been using purposefully overestimated margins and then rolling them to hide huge operating losses coupled with an underreported goodwill impairment charge. You'll want to alert sector clients to the . . ."
    "What are we doing for my birthday?"
    "Hunh? Were you listening?"
    "Sure. Goodwill margins for people with impairments. Hooray for the handicapped. What are we doing for my birthday?"

    Or . . .
    "I just kept telling people that I fell down the stairs or stumbled into the door frame. I thought maybe he'd chance with the new job. You know, less stress. But that is bullshit. He beats me, Bella! Do you understand that? He beats me! I have to leave, before he kills me or the kid. Once he hit the boy so hard, oh God, my son's jaw, it just crumpled around Jack's hand. I remember the noise - this dull, wet, snapping sound. The blood that . . ."
    "Right. That sucks. What are we doing for my birthday?"

    Yesterday was the birthday, and, to our surprise, Bella did not show up. Called in sick.
    Still, several people did leave gifts for her on her desk. There was a handmade card, red drawing of a stick figure in a dress on the front. Scrawl font copy in red crayon read, "Happy birthday Momy!" On the inside, same scrawl, "I hope this is the Year You remember Who Dady was!" No signature.
    Somebody left a "World's Greatest Grandma" mug for her.
    Another group pitched in for a custom t-shirt that read "All This and Desperately Lonely Too."
    She found them all this morning. She's wearing the t-shirt over her button-up blouse.


    Picked up some CDs the other day. Went for a specific record, but ended up poking through the bargain bin. On sale they had a Big Daddy Kane "Best Of." Perhaps I'm not enough of a fan to know, but shouldn't any album claiming to be a best of contain his song "Pimpin' Ain't Easy"?
    Perhaps, with its infamous homophobic lyric, it fell victim to the weird impulse that stripped Public Enemy's supposed "best" album of the sonically exciting, but dubiously misogynist "Channel Zero," or the brilliant "Night of the Living Baseheads," which features the infamously race-baiting Griff in a short but prominent section.

    Are older rap artists revising their back catalogue to clean up their images? Seems unlikely given that these excess would pale next to the ranting, female hating, anti-gay lyrics of Eminem. Perhaps they're attempting to refashion themselves as the wiser "elder statesmen" of the genre and are trying to set aside the sins of youth. Or, maybe, they think the audience for these historic reviews is not the same one that digs on current rap. I don't know. I didn't end up buying it.


Found in the "Missed Connections" of the Dallas Observer.

File Under: No, Really, What Do You Think of Perky?

You really are an asshole.

Found in the Kansas City paper Pitch.

File Under: Whatever Floats Your Boat

Ashley P.
I worshipped you from the day I first saw you, but now you are gone. Your eyes, your beautiful hair, your elegant fingers . . . I long to run my fingers through your hair, to feel your breath on my neck as we cling to each other.
I long to trace the outline of your tattoo with my tongue, and to make you mine.

Another Kansas City one – same paper. Who knew Kansas City was such a romantic town?. NB: the following was originally rendered in all caps, but I altered it to make it readable. 'Cause I can. 'Cause it's my freaking diary.

File Under: Closer

Looking for the guy who gave me crabs after the NIN concert.
Matt, I hope you know you gave me a horrible case of crabs. Remember me we had sex in my car, and then you ditched me!!!!!! In case I wasnt the only one you fucked that night, I was the red head with the prostetic leg. You owe me money for the cream I had to buy. You asshole!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, from Denver's Westworld, this sad little note.

File Under: I'm Sorry

hi its been / a year since i last since you, we meet on lavalife i was the girl that had a thing for birker not sure you remember.but we end it on bad note and i just want it to make things right and say sorry i was a B
well theres something i need to tell you i had your baby last year,and the baby didnt make it. im really sorry i hurt you and that i never give you the chance to know your baby. i hope someday you can for give me.

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Aging Spinsters | 23 comments (23 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Birker boys are the worst. by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #1 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 07:14:27 AM EST

What with their birking, and bad-seed-planting, and whatnot.

I think PE has actively engaged in revisionist cataloging, seeing as how Chuck D has a new career as a Kosmonaut on TEH RADIO, but I expected more of Big Daddy Kane. I mean, he's BIG DADDY KANE!

Also, belated happy goddamned jesus fucking christ birthday to Bella, yo! Tell Robin to pass it on.

You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
I'm sad to see what has happened to Chuck D by mmangino (2.00 / 0) #5 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 07:41:38 AM EST
of course, Flavor Flav is keeping it real!

On a completely unrelated note, I picked up a random Biography of George Washington. I figure I can duplicate your (CRwM) biography reading in just under 40 years.

[ Parent ]
I Can Cut the Time . . . by Christopher Robin was Murdered (2.00 / 0) #7 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 07:49:39 AM EST
By telling you who you can safely skip over. Cutting out caretakers and relative nobodies you can pull a good third of those guys out of your reading list.

Which bio did you get?

[ Parent ]
I'll probably read them all by mmangino (2.00 / 0) #18 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 09:56:02 AM EST
I actually have a one hour commute by train (each way) so I have a lot of time to read. I grabbed "His Excellency" by Joseph J Ellis. It isn't great so far, but I'm not very far in. I expect it will get better when he reaches the parts of Washington's history that are well recorded. I hope so at least.

Do you have recommendations for other biographies?

[ Parent ]
I've Got Some to Dodge by Christopher Robin was Murdered (2.00 / 0) #19 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 11:42:54 AM EST
I found Joseph Ellis's Jefferson bio disappointing. I hope the Washington bio gets better, though the Jefferson book does not give me hope.

I found Burstein's bio of Andrew Jackson very disappointing. A remarkably lifeless book considering the subject.

Despite its famed status, Carl Sandburg's Lincoln bio is a snorer. I love Sandburg's poetry, but don't bother with his Lincoln. Exhaustive to the point of absurdity. Though it might be considered cheating, I've read a handful of Lincoln bios and I actually think the best way to learn about him is to read Stern's anthology of Lincoln's writings. Stern's intro is a solid enough biographical sketch and Lincoln's writings (both public and private communications) are amazing. 

[ Parent ]
The Wrath of Kane by Christopher Robin was Murdered (4.00 / 1) #6 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 07:45:43 AM EST
Strange but true, apparently the infamous "Big Daddy Law" is no longer considered a valid legal principle.

I understood, to a degree, the PE thing. Though I trace its beginnings back to Chuck's weird performance at the Tibet Freedom Concert, the whole poem about the female aspect of creation.

But Big Daddy Kane's popularity never seemed all that political. The move strikes me as odd.

[ Parent ]
I think you should know by ambrosen (4.00 / 4) #8 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 08:00:02 AM EST
Robin has boundary issues with Bella, OK, because one time, when they both walked to the subway station together and Robin was like catching the J train but Bella was... Anyway, the J train wasn't going to Connecticut but Robin had to catch the J train because she had to go to like, well, Brooklyn because she'd heard, anyway, what does it matter about the young Republican, but anyway Robin was walking to the subway with, no wait, I have issues, anyway, I think it was Bella, but maybe it was Pete, anyway, she was walking, and well, there was a hamburger dropped on the sidewalk and she went across towards Ninth Avenue, then she burst into tears and Pete, no, Bella, told her to, pull herself, no it was somthing like shove it up her fat ass, no maybe she just said what's the matter anyway, Bella upset her and wait that was Ike, before he left, no once it was anyway, last birthday, Robin made her a cake in the form of her gammy leg, oh wait, that's a Reagan appreciation day special, you see, once upon a time Bella upset Robin, so now Robin is in floods of tears because, no wait, Robin's turned on because, well, but she's still got boundary issues, but she can't believe Mohammed loves Bella so much he'd wish her a happy goddammed birthday, no, he's only being polite because Bella's just an attention whore and not pure and straightforward like Robin.

I think that's what's happening, anyway. Either way, MNS, you're in the doghouse.

[ Parent ]
Danger Will Robinson! by Christopher Robin was Murdered (2.00 / 0) #15 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 08:48:44 AM EST
I hear tell that every time a rational human being manages to think enough like Robin to imitate her, they actually do their brain harm.

You have to contort your intellect to match hers. It springs back into shape when you've completed your imitation, but it never quite fully returns to normal.

At first you won't notice, but the cumulative effects can be devastating. Tread with caution.

[ Parent ]
I shouldn't say this, then by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #17 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 09:54:55 AM EST
but actually I enjoyed it. One of the easiest 200 words I've ever written, I think.

[ Parent ]
it's like trying to mold... by gzt (4.00 / 1) #21 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 04:22:17 PM EST
...those pliable baby skulls there and back again [think east of eden]. nothing is ever quite the same...

[ Parent ]
birker boys ? by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #2 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 07:24:34 AM EST
well, their feet always stink, wearing those damn goofy flipflop sandals, and they are usually unwashed hippied. Takes all kinds, I guess..

So what was your contribution to the birthday fete ?  Does the company have any birthday policy ? Or do ya'll have a group lunch policy of "lets take so-and-so out for their birthday" ? Or is it corporate invisibility, don't acknowledge etc ?

I like the shirt, though.. Seems the joke is lost on her, or is she taking it in good humor ? (and is she "all that" ?).. ISTR you having some custom-shirt connections.. hmm..

Birker by Christopher Robin was Murdered (4.00 / 1) #4 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 07:35:25 AM EST
I have no idea. I thought it was a typo of biker, but it might very well be slang for some hippy type.

I couldn't tell you.

I contributed nadda to the festivities.

The company doesn't do anything to recognize birthdays. At least, I've never seen them do anything. Usually the celebrant will go with their amigos to one of the local watering holes post-work, but there's nothing official.

I don't think she's "all that" but the gents in sales seem to dig on her. Recently, however, Living Dead Girl, who has straighten her hair to great effect, has eclipsed her as the sales group fave.

[ Parent ]
Redhead with a prosthetic leg? by chuckles (4.00 / 2) #3 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 07:31:46 AM EST
Holy crap, I was calling myself Mike that night!

"The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin [...] would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities"
Me too! by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #11 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 08:20:03 AM EST
Just how many redheads with prosthetic legs were there at the ɴɪᴎ concert that night, eh?

[ Parent ]
well by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #13 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 08:21:34 AM EST
It didn't say "natural redhead".
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Carpet matched the curtains. by ambrosen (2.00 / 0) #14 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 08:25:06 AM EST
I think it must have been chuckles.

[ Parent ]
I'm too old by ucblockhead (4.00 / 2) #16 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 09:16:21 AM EST
I saw the comment title and thought "but I haven't posted pictures of our new family room yet!"
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman
[ Parent ]
Damn by joh3n (4.00 / 2) #9 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 08:02:14 AM EST
too bad the birthday isnt today.  I was gonna suggest buying a cake, letting everyon eat it, and leave only the pan, 15 mostly empty bottles of champagne, 3 pair of mens thong underwear, a couple of roach clips, and 10 pounds of graffiti on her desk with a note saying 'where were you'?


NIN just played here... by atreides (4.00 / 1) #10 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 08:12:33 AM EST
You mind if I plagiarize steal borrow that ad? I'm sure the Chronicle would love it...

Have you seen The Passion yet? Here's a spoiler for you: Jesus dies.
"...compassion is more than a 16 point word in scrabble." - MostlyHarmless

The Ad by Christopher Robin was Murdered (2.00 / 0) #12 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 08:21:31 AM EST
It isn't mine. Other than re-writing it so it wasn't all caps, I didn't touch it. I never edit my crap like I should, but, for once, I can blame the spelling and grammar on somebody else.

I don't know what the rules on re-using personal ads are, but you can find the original in the Kansas City "Pitch."

As far as I'm concerned, you can run with it.

[ Parent ]
I think by MillMan (4.00 / 1) #20 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 02:46:00 PM EST
this entry has tipped me over the threshold of realizing that maybe NYC isn't the place for me. The occasional weekend should be enough.

Everybody still hates me in this city and I hate everybody.

Why This One? by Christopher Robin was Murdered (2.00 / 0) #23 Thu Mar 30, 2006 at 04:21:30 AM EST
I would understand if my office wasn't for you. Heck, I'm not certain my office is the place for me.

But why the city as a whole?

[ Parent ]
Westworld by nebbish (2.00 / 0) #22 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 11:40:29 PM EST
What a strange name for a newspaper.

It's political correctness gone mad!

Aging Spinsters | 23 comments (23 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback