Print Story Review: Irn-Bru
In which we review things vs. Irn-Bru.


Children's Orange Flavored Chewable Aspirin vs. Irn-Bru

The orange children's chewable aspirin (Bayer being the big brand from my childhood) is a local favorite.  I used to eat it by the handful, likening it to Flintstones vitamins, but tastier.  The limit per day was five, according to the label.  Irn-Bru has a finishing taste a lot like three aspirin.  However, the aspirin can heal the sick and help kids get addicted to the pharmaceutical industry, which help capitalism, whereas Irn-Bru just sort of rots teeth and makes Scottish kids more Scottish.

Winner: Children's Orange Flavored Chewable Aspirin

Big Red soda vs. Irn-Bru

Big Red is a sickly sweet red soda marketed as cheaply as possible.  Here in Texas you often see little tiny cars with Big Red markings being used by smugglers and the soda's own distributor.  The formula follows a child's idea of soda: take one seriously disgusting flavor, color it red, and add four hundred ton(nes) of sugar.  The result is a mess of awful.  Irn-Bru, to its credit, only smells like Big Red, and hits the mouth just as the brain is about to panic and recoil in nasty fear of SWEET BIG RED MADNESS.  Then everything suddenly changes gear and the brain is all like "whoa" and the stuff you're drinking seems to have lye and powdered metal as active flavorings.

Winner: It's a draw.

CVS Pharmacy brand Instant Hand Sanitizer vs. Irn-Bru

The CVS hand sanitizer is the worst enemy of obsessive hand washers, in that its presence indicates the person attached does not wash their hands but rather "sanitizes" them using a mixture of alcohol, carbomer, and propylene glycol.  Thing is, the stuff has to be in contact with your hands for 15 seconds.  Most people have wiped it off or didn't use enough, thus the germy mess they become.  It is, however, loaded with fragrance and ethyl alcohol, which will fuck you up.  Irn-Bru has a Big Red fragrance and no alcohol, though there is rumor that it has more anti-microbial properties than the hand sanitizer.

Winner: As a hand sanitizer, Irn-Bru wins.

Deadly Anaconda Snakes vs. Irn-Bru

Deadly Anaconda Snakes are not at all refreshing!  They do not have any sort of soda properties!  They are scary as hell!  Get them away from me!

Winner: Chad, the crazy motherfucker who wrangled the snakes out of my office.  If it helps, he used a bottle of Irn-Bru to bash one of the snakes flat.

Underworld (the techno band) vs. Irn-Bru

Underworld goes down smoove, with tons of flava, and a distinct Europop aftertaste.  It takes a couple of gallons before you really get into it, because the first gallon or so it's sort of all the same, bland thing.  Then after a bit more, you're like "wow, this is changing and it is sort of nice" and then you're all happy and bouncing.  But it takes more patience to love Underworld than it takes to hate Irn-Bru.

Winner: Irn-Bru is like bad speed metal cranked to 11 in a 1982 Camaro.  Irn-Bru wins.

Pico (my dog) vs. Irn-Bru

Pico has never been more terrified of anything in her short little terrier life.

Winner: Pico, because she's cute and she's my dog.  Irn-Bru is neither.

Scotch vs Irn-Bru.

Irn-Bru is sort of like a non-alcoholic Jagermeister, for those of you who are addicted to the Robitussin + calf's blood taste of Jager who can no longer drink alcohol, or see out of both eyes due to alcohol poisoning, or have lost any sort of taste.  Irn-Bru ("Not a significant source of iron!") tastes like the blood of a man who has been drinking Jagermeister and eating the odd orange or lime, who then froze to death stumbling home through the fields, who then was covered over in peat moss and ultimately discovered some fifty years later by the crew of a Cat D-5 who were ironically digging a hole.  Scotch tastes slightly less so.

Winner: Irn-Bru, for being so not fucking yuppie.

To sum up: if you are stumbling blind and hungry to your local international deli after having given blood, do not buy a bottle of Irn-Bru no matter how cool and / or different you want to be.  No, avoid that orange stuff.  Like Moxie, it is only pretending to be orange soda.  Do yourself a favor and rinse your mouth out with your own blood instead.  You'll thank me!

< Accelerando | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
Review: Irn-Bru | 15 comments (15 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
+1, VSTFP by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #1 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 08:45:04 AM EST

Extra Scotch Content:


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
New challenger: Broccoli by DesiredUsername (4.00 / 3) #2 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 08:49:39 AM EST
Basis for comparison: Irn content

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ADDENDUM by joh3n (4.00 / 3) #3 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 09:01:42 AM EST
Underword (the movie with Kate Beckinsdale) vs. Irn-Bru

Kate Beckinsdale in leather body suits goes down smoove, with tons of flava, and a distinct Europop aftertaste.  It takes a couple of viewings before you really get into it, because the first hour or so it's sort of all the same, bland thing.  Then after a bit more, you're like "wow, this is changing and it is sort of nice" and then you're all happy and bouncing.  But it takes more patience to love Kate Beckinsdale in leather body suits than it takes to hate Irn-Bru.

Winner: you comment, YOU DECIDE

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I know *I* can't decide by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 5) #4 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 09:04:28 AM EST

But that's mainly because I can't read past "Kate Beckinsdale in leather body suits goes down".


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You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Funny by Improbus (4.00 / 3) #5 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 09:56:52 AM EST
I had the same reaction.



If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago. --- Oma Desala
[ Parent ]
I was just getting down to some serious reaction by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #9 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 11:27:09 AM EST
When I figured out that Underworld is basically grooming potential Furries.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
[X] Avoid alcohol. by Rogerborg (4.00 / 5) #6 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 10:20:20 AM EST
[X] Avoid cigarettes.
[X] Avoid gambling and all base vices.
[X] Avoid (any more) women of loose morals.
[ ] Avoid Irn Bru.

I am this close to ascending to a higher state of being.  It's on the long term plan.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.

If that's by blixco (4.00 / 1) #7 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 10:23:02 AM EST
all it took, then I have been enlightened until this very day.

Being bad is better!
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Taken out of context I must seem so strange - Ani DiFranco

[ Parent ]
If It's Not Better ... by Improbus (4.00 / 1) #10 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 11:31:29 AM EST
It sure is more fun!  BooYah!



If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago. --- Oma Desala
[ Parent ]
Please note by The Fool (4.00 / 4) #8 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 10:35:54 AM EST
According to the writings of Confucius, trolling the Intarweb is one of the base vices, along with chewing pencil erasers and listening to "Don Ho's Greatest Hits".


[ Parent ]
Don't be silly by TPD (4.00 / 1) #11 Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 09:54:41 PM EST
Irn-Bru beats all comers. It is also the world's greatest hangover cure!

why sit, when you can sit and swivel with The Ab-SwivellerTM
Nope. by blixco (4.00 / 1) #12 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 02:59:22 AM EST
The world's grestest hangover cures can be divided into two things: home-made menudo, and stuff that doesn't work.  Trust me on this.

I am a professional.
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Taken out of context I must seem so strange - Ani DiFranco

[ Parent ]
well I hardly qualify as an amateur by TPD (4.00 / 1) #13 Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 03:09:51 AM EST
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - Minging Cider!

why sit, when you can sit and swivel with The Ab-SwivellerTM
[ Parent ]
no, no by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 1) #14 Thu Mar 30, 2006 at 08:23:57 AM EST
chad got the snakes out of your PLANE.

i really like flintstones vitamins. unfortunately, they're all some variant of red, and i cannot consume them for the next few weeks.
Send me to Austria!

In Re: Underworld by zarathus (4.00 / 1) #15 Fri Mar 31, 2006 at 12:13:01 PM EST
Why don'cha call me? I feel like flyin' too.

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Review: Irn-Bru | 15 comments (15 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback