Print Story Reviews from a proactively wasted day
By Rogerborg (Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 06:43:37 AM EST) review, reviews, film, movie (all tags)
A rare day off sans broad or sproglet gives us the opportunity to explore the new standard in film reviews: the GHB flagpole system:
  • Gonads
  • Heart
  • Brain
If it needs any further explanation, then it's not the scale for you anyway, you fucking ignorant peasant.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

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Picks up precisely where Resident Evil left off, i.e. hot chicks killing zombies, then continues in that vein without letup for the duration.

Kudos for:

  • Hot chicks.
  • Zombies.
  • No silly faffing about with "plot" or "character".
  • Huggy Motherfucking Bear.
  • Zombie boooobs.
  • Characters are consistent for the two lines they each get.
Castigations for:
  • Crossing the line from homage to rip off in the treatment of its informing sources.
  • Replaces Michelle Rodriguez (pre weird Denise-Richards-a-like makeover) with some shoddy Lara Croft knock off.
  • Flagrant abuse of raggedy jumpcuts.
  • Introducing characters ten second before brutally doing them over.
  • No Little Red Dress.
  • Painfully forced set-up for prospective Resident Evil: The Z Team spinoff.
On that basis, I rate it a GHB score of: 3 / 3 / 2 or an average of 2.6666666666666666666666666666667, which translates to "Would watch again if Resident Evil weren't on."


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Ehh, Old Lady Grey is looking tired in this one.  Fortunately, Colonial censors seem unable to grasp the fact that Rebecca Boutros-Galli is for all practical purposes naked on screen throughout half the film, which, in conjunction with Anna Paquin looking like she's shilling for wholesale vendors of rohypnol, pushes the Gonads rating to an unprecedented (for the second outing of this scale) level of 4.

The plot keeps rolling along nicely, with plenty of opportunites for fat virgin nerds to shriek "Look!  That guy in the background for a quarter of a second!  That's Mudskipper!  Remember, he appeared in two panels of that Mutant Housepets / New Furries crossover.".  There's even a token attempt to be all like "Hey! Equality is cool, kids, even though every Norm in this film is a cretin, a bigot, or a mass murderer."

Kudos for:

  • Plucky little Anna Paquin and her plump quivering... lips.
  • Increased body count; everything changed after 119.
  • Not giving that Korean broad any lines, hahaha.  Just walk around and look racially ambivalent until your stunt double takes over.
  • Features that Wedge Antilles guy from Star Trek.
  • Not being god damn fucking Spiderman.
  • Serious actorrrrs.
Castigations for:
  • Shit villain.  What part of the "South" is he from anyway?  Penicuik?
  • Not quite enough Anna Paquin.
X2's overall ratings of 4 / 4 / 3 represent a film that's well worth re-watching, if only to see that annoying old broad die at the end.  Yes she does.  Shut up.  Shut up.

Team America: World Police

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The reason why so many reviews of this film focus on a few scenes is that much of the rest of it does drag along rather.  Yes, yes, we get how this joke will play out.  Move on.  You can see how the premise looked like it could carry an hour and a half, but there's really only a South Park's worth of ideas in here.

Kudos for:

  • Puppet sex.  Look, if you kiddie fiddlers can rub one out to your tentacle doodles, I don't see why I should feel bad about having wood for the woodentops.
  • Crude racial stereotyping.  Let's enjoy it while it's still legal.
  • Surprise live-action black pussy scene.
  • Doing all the same stuff that they've already done in South Park.
Castigations for:
  • Not nearly enough puppet sex.  Needed more ripped pink camouflage jumpsuits.
  • Relatively shoddy musical numbers.  Bigger, Longer and Uncut had much more engaging tunes.
  • Trey and Matt finally bite off more voice work than they can handle.  Most of the puppets' voices are variants on South Park characters, which is a bit of a disjoint.
  • Not as clever as it thinks it is by being deliberately not as clever as it could be.
  • Doing all the same stuff that they've already done in South Park.
The GHB score of 2 / 3 / 2 is perhaps unnecessarily cruel.  There's nothing particularly wrong with Team America, but neither is there any compelling reason to watch it instead of 3 South Park episodes, or Bigger, Longer and Uncut.
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Reviews from a proactively wasted day | 21 comments (21 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Why are you on dialup? by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 07:01:58 AM EST
Or have you already downloaded enough pron and wanked enough to waste time on Husi with the woman and spawn away?

There's only so much ponygirl domsub you can watch by Rogerborg (4.00 / 5) #11 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 09:19:18 AM EST
Verified experimentally.

Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
You owe me dude. Big time. by ObviousTroll (4.00 / 4) #12 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 09:23:41 AM EST
Why, oh why, did I have to google? Why can't I just accept there are things I don't have to know?!?

The doctor said it was the worst case of cookie-blindness he'd ever seen.
[ Parent ]
Bastard! by ambrosen (4.00 / 3) #14 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 10:21:33 AM EST
I'd never have looked until you said it was so bad!

OMFG, it's awful. Everyone ignore it.

[ Parent ]
AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! by nebbish (4.00 / 4) #2 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 07:06:43 AM EST
Sorry, but that makes me giggle every time I think about it. I also laugh at farts and the word "penal".

Your rating system is even better than Theophile Escargot's, and what's more I can understand it. +1FP

It's political correctness gone mad!

IAWTP by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #6 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 07:32:53 AM EST

Best. Rating. System. Evar.

Also about the AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! and the farts and penal humor.

You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
DidYouKnow... by miker2 (4.00 / 2) #9 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 08:46:40 AM EST
that 'slavery' is the only phrase that gets TWO fuck yeah's in that song?

Great, now I have "Everyone has AIDS" stuck in my head....

Ah, sociopathy. How warm, how comforting, thy sweet embrace. - MNS
[ Parent ]
Rating system rating by ad hoc (4.00 / 2) #3 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 07:13:57 AM EST

Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does.
Someone else has seen by sasquatchan (4.00 / 1) #4 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 07:14:13 AM EST
Bernard and the Genie ? Saw it 13 years ago on some cable channel, had to get the VHS for it.. Friggen helarious movie. Didn't know Bernard was in anything else, go figure. (Though I don't see him in the upcoming X3)..

And a pencil's nice too. by Rogerborg (2.00 / 0) #10 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 09:12:11 AM EST
I wouldn't say that I can quote the entire thing beginning to end, but that's only because I don't want you to know that I can.

Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
I Voted For X2 by Improbus (4.00 / 1) #5 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 07:24:52 AM EST
Why you ask?  Because Wolverine gets shot in the forehead.  That was priceless.

If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago. --- Oma Desala
This diary by joh3n (4.00 / 2) #7 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 07:51:19 AM EST
Is goddamn brilliant.


No it's not. by blixco (4.00 / 2) #13 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 09:45:33 AM EST
It's fucking genius.
Taken out of context I must seem so strange - Ani DiFranco
[ Parent ]
columbia represent (nt) by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #8 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 08:38:15 AM EST

You're still pouting by calla (4.00 / 2) #15 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 10:32:19 AM EST
because she:

turned down the part of Jadzia Dax.

That woman can't buy clothes. by ambrosen (4.00 / 2) #17 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 01:03:28 PM EST
Her top's too small for her.

[ Parent ]
in fact by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #18 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 01:22:19 PM EST
 It is probably held that tightly via duct tape across the back.  I'm guessing it fits her fine, unaltered.

[end ex-model mode, see also binder clips in Lost in Translation.]

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

[ Parent ]
Fine, by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #19 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 01:25:17 PM EST
but that doesn't explain why her skirt doesn't cover her knees and she's looking at the camera like she's really pissed off.

Did they ask her before duct taping her up?

I was told you always had to ask first.

[ Parent ]
you do have to ask by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #20 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 02:36:03 PM EST
Maybe that's why she looks pissed off.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

[ Parent ]
That's not quite fair. by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #16 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 10:38:20 AM EST
She was allowed to say "What are you doing here?" to the Mystique/Janitor character.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

sooo by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #21 Fri Mar 24, 2006 at 04:27:43 PM EST
you got any GHB left then?

Reviews from a proactively wasted day | 21 comments (21 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback