Print Story My Mortality Kicks Me In the Balls
Health
By Gedvondur (Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 06:54:31 AM EST) GoLytely, Blood, Asses (all tags)
I had a strange incident several weeks ago.  I haven’t talked about it much because frankly it freaked me out a little bit.


Three weeks ago, my wife was having some online friends into town for a little convention.  Weeks of preparation and planning were coming to fruition.  I had been feeling under the weather, tired, and my heart had been pounding hard with even the least exertions.  Like walking out to my pick-up truck to go to lunch. 

I was blaming it on my smoking, sedentary lifestyle, and general not-in-shapeness.  I’m kind of hard on myself about those things, especially since I have failed time and time again to do anything about them.  I told myself “Shithead, you need to walk some of that fat ass off, and you will feel better.”  But I had gotten worried that it was something more, and I decided to get an appointment with my doctor.

As part of getting a non-regular-visit style appointment, I talked to the triage nurse at the clinic about my symptoms.  She was concerned, and when I told her about my family’s genetic pre-disposition to irregular heart-beat, she became alarmed.  Frankly, she scared me a little.  She requested that I go to the hospital.  Well, I grumped and groused about that and said “fuck it” and went in.

Upon arriving at Our Lady Of Unending Needles hospital, I got settled in the ER.  A quick EKG proved my heartbeat to be normal.  Good news.  However, about 15 minutes after they drew blood, my doctor came into the room looking unhappy.

He tells me that my old nemesis, anemia, has returned.  I had a red cell count of 5.7.  Normal people have a red cell count of 15 or 16.  So I was down to around a third of my blood supply.  Thus the easily tired, thus the pounding heart. 

Last time I had anemia, I was at a blood count of about 7 when I went in.  I have a hiatial hernia and erosions on the top of my stomach because of it.  I thought I had it taken care of with prescription acid reducers.  However, the doctor thought it was likely that I had them again and scheduled an emergency upper GI.  I argued with him, I had a bunch of people in town and things to do.  Couldn’t this wait until Monday?

The ER doctor looked at me and said  “You probably won’t have a heart attack by Monday.  10% chance at most.”

Translation:  “Stop being such a fucking idiot, you need to get this taken care of.” 

He was right, it had just happened so fast I was having a hard time adjusting.  Most of the time, I didn’t FEEL that bad.  I relented and an hour later I was under getting an upper GI. 

Big erosions again.  They admitted me into the hospital where I got the first of what would be six units of the best B+ blood they had.  Top shelf stuff, I gotta say.  Saturday was uneventful in the hospital, and I was grumpy.  I was unhappy to be there, unhappy to miss a big party, and unhappy that I was sick.  I almost drove my parents from my hospital room.  I have since apologized for my behavior.

Then a find out:  Sunday morning, I will be having another GI.  A lower one this time.  Lovely.  What little shreds of my dignity that were left now flew out the window. 

If you have never had a lower GI inspection, let me tell you it’s not that bad.  You are out for it.  However, the preparation to clean you out before the procedure is something special, and I don’t mean like a Hallmark card.

They gave me a GALLON of stuff to drink, about 14 hours before the procedure.  This vile liquid is called GoLytely.  That’s right kids, you read that correctly.  Lightly is far from how you will “go” after drinking this. 

GoLytely is “Lime Flavored”.  If limes had assholes, and you could grind them up for flavoring, that’s how GoLytely tasted.  The consistency was that reminiscent of a light vinegar and oil salad dressing. 

I was told  “The faster you drink it, the faster this will be over”.  Right.  So I drank about ¾ of a gallon of GoLytely in the space of about 15 minutes.  Did I mention that this stuff was cold? 

I’m sitting on the edge of my hospital bed, in the dignity-removing backless gown they give you, shivering from the cold of the GoLytely.  I can also feel stuff…….moving around down there if you know what I mean.  I’m starting to cramp up a bit.  The RN and NA both come in to check on me. 

The RA stops and says “What happened to the rest of that?” pointing to the GoLytely. 

“I drank it” I says.  She looks horrified and asks in a hushed voice  “Have you………gone yet?”

“No”

“You had better get ready.” She replied, looking at the four feet between me and the toilet.

“I am well aware of that” I said as my bowels made a large groaning gurgling sound.

Over the next several hours I…………complete the process and finish the GoLytely.  By the time I was done with it, the GoLytely was making me gag with its texture and lime-ass taste.

The next morning, I get to drink another 20 ounce glass of it, but I can only get half of it down without gagging.  Apparently when you are “all clean” on the inside, the GoLytely makes what does come out a bright neon yellow.  I kid you not.  You could have painted road stripes with my ass.  It was frightening.

I go for the lower GI, and they have to replace my IV.  Now I am TERRIFIED of needles.  I have only had this one IV all weekend, but after six units of blood and who knows how many bags of saline, the IV site is just not working anymore.  But she manages to get part of the drugs in me before deciding that I need a new IV feed.  Finnegan, I think the drug was called. 

It wasn’t enough to knock me out yet.  I was enough to make me almost lose control of my emotions when she stuck me again.  Four tries on my other hand before she moved it onto my arm.  Two tries to get it on to my left arm.  By the time she had it done I had my eyes clamped tightly shut with tears leaking through them.  It wasn’t until later that I realized it was the half-syringe of drugs that was causing me to lose so much control. 

They then knocked me out and proceeded to probe my nether regions.  They found nothing, meaning alls well in the end, so to speak.

Later that day they released me.  I might need surgery, I might not.  I am on over 600miligrams of iron a day, and at the last test I am producing my own blood at a faster rate that I am losing it.  Between the transfusions and my own production I am up to 11.7 for a blood count.  Not too shabby.

I think that surgery to fix my hiatial hernia will be inevitable.  It’s a birth defect, and it’s going to continue to give me trouble.  On the upside, it looks like I will have time to loose some weight before the surgery, which will make things go better.  The repair is lathroscopic, so hopefully it will go well when I have it done.

It’s taken me some time to talk about this because frankly it scared me quite a bit.  At the end of the day, its probably a good thing, I am more aware now of my health.

Moral of the Story:  Men, if you are sick go to the fucking doctor.  Don’t be stupid like I was.

< Talkin' Out the Side of Your Neck | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
My Mortality Kicks Me In the Balls | 34 comments (34 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Gifs, gifs, gifs by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #1 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 07:05:44 AM EST
I'm picturing a neon yellow goatse!

Anyhow, glad that you're still above ground, I'm getting on a first name basis with everyone at my doc's office, it's scary becoming middle aged.


plzpostpxkthx? by webwench (4.00 / 1) #8 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 08:00:13 AM EST


"What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?"

[ Parent ]
Sadly by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #10 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 08:59:14 AM EST
I do actually have pix, but I WON'T be posting them.  Nasty.

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
Ewww by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #11 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:00:48 AM EST
No goatse!

I'm glad to still be above ground as well.

Middle age, so far, has sucked pretty big in the health department. 

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch... by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #2 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 07:23:05 AM EST

Just, ouch.


-
You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
Ya by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #12 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:01:46 AM EST
That's largely how I feel about it. 

Also, with a large dose of branded Loss of Dignity.  Yay!

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
Dignity, schmignity by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #14 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:06:08 AM EST

You're still alive, and you've got a wife who cares. Everything else is overrated. In time, gastro-intestinal intrusions will be a distant memory, then you can look forward to simple anal intrusion of the routine prostrate checkups.


-
You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Prostate checkups by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #24 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:30:35 AM EST
Got a gold star on my calendar for THOSE days.

Heh, it is all worth it, I do feel TONS better.  I was sick but I didn't FEEL all that sick.

That level of anemia is very strange.  It causes mood swings and memory retention issues.  I feel a ton better.

I am looking forward to getting a full blood supply, I probably haven't experienced that in years.  Plus, it will make it MUCH easier to excercise.

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
I was thinking 'lightweight' and then, by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #3 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 07:28:51 AM EST
I got to the bit about 6 units of blood. Then I blinked. 6 units is just a few. I only got plasma for the operation I had.

When I've had colonoscopy, they give me something called Picolax, which was fairly mild last couple of times. Your stuff sounds nasty.

One of the ironies of life is that only ill people are hard to get a canula into. I've had someone do 10 tries at 5am before succeeding.

To be honest by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #15 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:08:59 AM EST
Compared to some of the "Fleet Prep" horror stories I have heard, the GoLytely wasn't that bad from a "production" standpoint.

The problem was the quantity and taste.  A gallon of cold liquid is tough to get down, especially when it tastes like that.

I think most of the problems I had with it early on was the speed in which I drank it.  My system just kind of went:

"Alright, son.  You are going to fill me up with this VILE shit, and its cold besides?  Fuck you, you wanted out, well you are going to get out."

I have to say that the lower GI was better than the upper.  I had a sore throat after the upper and was groggy much longer.

As to the IV canula (I had to look that up) I have had problems with those in the past.  Even drawing blood from me is a bitch, tiny moving little veins.  Figures.

I tell you this, after a few times, I make them get the old grizzled veteran nurse to do it.  I will no longer be a learning experience for a young pup.  Too freaked out by needles for that.

Gedvondur

"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
i have nice big veins by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #31 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 01:43:26 PM EST
i've never ever had it take more than one try to get a needle in, and i have had IVs...i dont know how they managed on some of those occasions.
Send me to Austria!
[ Parent ]
Phenergan, perhaps? by BadDoggie (4.00 / 1) #4 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 07:28:53 AM EST
Not anything I would expect to be used -- nor allow to be used on me -- for sedation. It's primarily an antihistamine. While antihistamines can be fun in the presensce of opiates and other chemicals, they ain't much.

I now have an unpleasant picture of you, pantsless, hanging from a harness off the the back of a DoT truck driving slowly up I-95, stuck in my noggin. Thanks.

woof.

OMG WE'RE FUCKED! -- duxup ?

To be honest by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #16 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:12:08 AM EST
I'm not sure.  I was a pre-sedative.  What you say SOUNDS right, from a vocal perspective.  I needed that extra shot, as I am somewhat resistant to anestetics.  My first upper GI I woke up in the middle of, three years ago.

Nothing like waking up choking and gagging on that damn cable and camera.  Wasn't any fun, so I got something extra this time to ensure that wouldn't happen again.

As to your mental picture:  You are welcome.  Vivid mental images-R-Us

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
Amusingly written by cam (4.00 / 2) #5 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 07:29:18 AM EST
even if the subject matter is horrorful. Glad that you caught it in time.

cam
Freedom, liberty, equity and an Australian Republic

Heh, thanks n/t by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #17 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:12:41 AM EST

"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock
[ Parent ]
Lies! by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 3) #6 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 07:34:16 AM EST
You have, in fact, been randomly selected for the experimental install of several new intelligence gathering utensils, and your "symptoms" were activated from afar through the emergent circuits formed in your bowls from the "iron supplements."

Remind me not to talk about my suicide bombing buddies when you're around.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.
lol by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #18 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:14:12 AM EST
If teh Government can collect data from my nether regions, more power to them.

I can't imagine I would want to be the intelligence analyst to have to deal with THAT data.

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
I can symphathize. by lb008d (4.00 / 1) #7 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 07:42:42 AM EST
I've had both the upper and lower scopes done - that stuff you drink is so nasty.

Hope the hernia surgery goes well. Losing weight definitely is supposed to help with hiatial hernias.

Ya by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #20 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:17:33 AM EST
GoLytely was no fun at all.

Losing weight will be a good idea for a number of reasons, not just the hernia.  I have to wait until I get my next blood results back, middle of next month.  They don't want me to change my diet until then, when they are sure I am not losing more blood than I produce. 

If it turns out I am losing more, then the surgery will happen without the weight loss first.  The weight loss is something I am going to make a priority as soon as I can either way.

Gedvondur 
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
Putting off a doctors visit by calla (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 08:12:59 AM EST
often has crappy consequences.

When I was anemic I took this. It wasn't so hard on my system, if you know what I mean.

So many of us are on diets now - what's up with that?


I don't know what you mean by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #13 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:05:08 AM EST
but in the end, how did it feel?


[ Parent ]
Iron by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #22 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:21:24 AM EST
Iron suppliments, in quantity, will bind you up so hard you will need a metal drill bit to take a shit.

This, I use Metamucil so I can take a shit at the EXACT SAME TIME every day as MNS.

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
I know, apologies, just channeling Austin Powers by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #30 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 10:30:38 AM EST
"but in the end, how does it feel"


[ Parent ]
Looks good by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #21 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:20:07 AM EST
But I would have to drink a bottle and a half of it a day to get the amount of iron I am taking right now.

I am using the generic Walgreens version of Metamucil to, how shall we say, keep things flowing.

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
Ugh. by calla (2.00 / 0) #27 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:41:32 AM EST
As long as the Metamucil works, I wouldn't bother with the herbal iron.

Taking iron sucks. How do you think you'll have to take it?


[ Parent ]
How long do you mean? by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #28 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:46:47 AM EST
If I don't get that hernia fixed or if it doesn't retreat during weight loss, I will be taking iron forever. 

I'm bleeding on the inside, and until I stop doing that, I am going to be iron deficient.  I don't mind the metamucil so much, it tastes orangey, its cheap and gets the job done.

I'll drink that shit six times a day rather than have the anemia. 

If you are asking what form of iron I am taking, I am taking perscription tablets, 325miligrams, twice a day.  Its funny because the pill bottle they are in is actually kind of heavy for its size.  :-)

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
ARgh. by calla (4.00 / 1) #29 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 10:07:39 AM EST
So it's not just get the iron up and you'll be ok. Which is what I typically have to do.

I say lose the weight by having fish Friday everyday.


[ Parent ]
Dignity is a moving target, by blixco (4.00 / 1) #19 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:15:39 AM EST
dead is dead.

Glad you're OK; good luck with everything.
---------------------------------
Taken out of context I must seem so strange - Ani DiFranco

Heh, thanks by Gedvondur (4.00 / 1) #23 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:26:20 AM EST
I agree about the dignity thing.

I was just so PISSED.  We had all of these people in town, my wife was stressed to the max because I was sick and we were entertaining.  I had been looking forward to that weekend for months, and instead I got to get a camera inserted into both ends of my GI tract. 

Plus, I missed a killer party. 

I was NOT in a good mood and the normal hospital dignity removing things just seemed a lot more.....insulting at that point.  I don't blame them, they were doing their jobs, but my head was in a bad place.

Gedvondur

"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
Doctors by Improbus (2.00 / 1) #25 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:34:05 AM EST
I only see a doctor when there is something wrong with me.  I don't do check ups.  In fact, I don't even have a primary doctor picked out from my health plan.  I figure I will find one when I need one.  The next time I see a doctor will probably be for my death certificate.  Ignorance is bliss.



If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago. --- Oma Desala
Poor choice by Gedvondur (2.00 / 0) #26 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 09:40:30 AM EST
I was that way myself, but I have to say its a poor choice.

I've gutted out bad colds, pnumonia, all kinds of things, but at the end of the day, something stupid like this will kill you.

Being an athiest, I am inclinded to take as much time in this world as I can get.

Gedvondur
"...it isn't like I dug up her great-grandmother and fucked her in the eye socket." -clock

[ Parent ]
i was gonna offer some of my blood... by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 1) #32 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 01:47:05 PM EST
but it's the wrong type...
Send me to Austria!
I feel a need to reword the title to by yankeehack (4.00 / 1) #33 Tue Mar 21, 2006 at 05:27:11 PM EST
 "My mortality gets me up the ass"
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB
Good to hear . . . by slozo (4.00 / 1) #34 Wed Mar 22, 2006 at 06:05:22 AM EST
. . . you made the decision to stay in the hospital - that line from the doc is priceless. Hopefully, this acts as a motivater on your road to weightloss/healthier living . . . good luck with that.

My Mortality Kicks Me In the Balls | 34 comments (34 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback