Print Story I hope iGrrrl is sleeping now.
Diary
By toxicfur (Mon Mar 13, 2006 at 07:52:14 PM EST) childhood, $evil_project, smoking (all tags)
It's 12:30. I just finished pounding out a pretty crappy draft, and I don't even much care about it's relative crappiness.

$evil_project is taking a toll on all of us.

Find inside rambling about my addiction and writing and a story from childhood, strained metaphors at no extra charge.



Also, I've run out of cigarettes, and I don't know if there's anything open now. Stupid Puritan work ethic - up at dawn, asleep at dark.

Update [2006-3-14 1:23:57 by toxicfur]:Cigarettes have been procured! I found an open gas station one town over. In NCia, all gas stations stay open 24 hours, as do most grocery stores. It's one of the few things I miss. Of course, how often do I go for a drive here at 1:00 am?

I was going to write Revenge, #2 tonight, but I don't think I've got that much creativity left. The type of writing I do is sort of like fan-fic, in a strange way. The story has to be plausible, based on current constraints and cultures, but it also has to be new and exciting and full of character development. But plausible. Mulder can have a hot sex with Krycek, but he can't suddenly become a rapper who wears low-slung jeans and calls Scully "bitch." Reviewers see right through that kind of crap.

(An X-Files rerun is on USA right now. I'd forgotten how intense my crush on Scully was. I just have the memory of that intensity now, sadly. Crushes are fun.)

Earlier, I smoked the last cigarette in my pack on the back porch, the rain splattering onto the my jeans and running down ana's hat and down my neck. It was thundering, and distant lightening reflected off the clouds.

This is what spring is, for me. And summer. In the coastal South, thunderstorms are as regular as tides, though much more interesting. Peacefully invigorating.

Like most kids, though, I was terrified of thunderstorms, before I was socialized into believing that one should never show fear. I was maybe four years old. That would have made my mom 24 and my brother an infant. The storm, with it's howling winds and simultaneous thunder and lightning woke me, and I cried. My mom let me get out of bed and follow her into the den - a rare treat. She held me in her lap in front of our storm door. We sat in my great-grandmother's black wooden rocking chair with the curved back and the gently sloping arms that made perfect matchbox car race tracks.

The young pine trees in our yard were nearly bent double from the wind and the rain and the hail, backlit by the streaks of lightning. My mom sang softly, absently, a bit off-key. I relaxed against her body, warm and safe and sleepy, and stuck my thumb back in my mouth.

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I hope iGrrrl is sleeping now. | 10 comments (10 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I spent years by MillMan (4.00 / 2) #1 Mon Mar 13, 2006 at 08:27:51 PM EST
beating my protestant work ethic out of myself. Now I'm just kind of lazy, and looking for something that actually inspires me to work hard. It was an epiphany the first time I was able to honestly ask myself "really, why is hard work a virtue?" Growing up in church I was taught an odd lesson - while getting into heaven was an exclusive function of asking Jesus to forgive your sins, hard work was a really, really good idea...some sort of insurance policy, I guessed, like getting into heaven with a 4.0 GPA instead of a 2.5, and really, most Christians I knew growing up more than anything wanted to make sure they were the best Christians around.

I was terrified of storms as a kid as well - other than the sudden loudness of thunder, the dreaded "tornado warning" and associated sirens and radio buzzers were the stuff of nightmares. By the time I was 12 or so I really looked forward to storms. However, when I saw my first tornado in my early 20's with no basement to hide in, I turned into that six year again old real fast.

I never really considered face-to-face contact a possible thing. -CRwM

from my earliest days by 256 (4.00 / 2) #2 Mon Mar 13, 2006 at 09:39:27 PM EST
"storm warning" held a kind of magic.

when i was eight years old, a storm blew over a tree and crushed half our house. it was like a faerie tale. i loved it.

and the protestant work ethic never got me. my mom tried to instill it i think, but we never went to church. i grew up thinking of work as something that clever people tricked dumb people into doing.
---
I don't think anyone's ever really died from smoking. --ni

[ Parent ]
I grew up in a house.. by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #3 Tue Mar 14, 2006 at 02:14:21 AM EST
in which my father's work ethic consisted of "keeping a job long enough that his wife doesn't yell at him so he can drink in peace." I think that did more to instill a drive to work as hard as I can to support myself and my family (the four-legged kind) and to help my friends when I can. I've worked more than one job simultaneously for most of my adult life (now being an exception). I still have to remind myself that I don't have to answer all of the restaurant help-wanted ads I see ...

Re: storms. I outgrew my fear by the time I was 6 or 7, I think. We rarely had tornadoes in North Carolina, and when we did, there were no associated sirens to add to my fear. I do remember the above-mentioned father go outside during a storm to watch the tornado go over our house. He wasn't the smartest person I've ever met.
--
damn it, lif eis actually really *far4 too good at tghe momnent, shboyukbnt;t whilen. --Dr Thrustgood

[ Parent ]
I once worked by ana (4.00 / 1) #4 Tue Mar 14, 2006 at 02:18:52 AM EST
in a building shared with a meteorology department, in the Midwest. After one particularly strong thunderstorm went by, the little newsletter for the building contained the advice that when the tornado sirens sound, people should not go to the roof to watch. You'd think meteorologists would understand that, but hey.

Can you introspect out loud? --CRwM

[ Parent ]
but but by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #8 Tue Mar 14, 2006 at 06:29:12 AM EST
how else are you going to get a good view of the storm?

On another note, I think toxicfur is becoming more and more siggable. Although I was also tempted to use your own "I've verified experimentally that you cast a shadow."

--
"Slick Loons Cow Stumbling Readers." —toxicfur
I may be an expensive mushroom. —iGrrrl

[ Parent ]
hm. siggable. by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Mar 14, 2006 at 06:32:44 AM EST
I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

I'm not sure if I'm much smarter than the meterologists and my idiot father, in regards to storms. One of my favorite places to be during a thunderstorm is ankle-deep in the ocean. There are few things more moving to me than watching the thunderclouds and rain merge with the gray, choppy ocean.
--
damn it, lif eis actually really *far4 too good at tghe momnent, shboyukbnt;t whilen. --Dr Thrustgood

[ Parent ]
re: sigs by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #10 Tue Mar 14, 2006 at 08:56:49 AM EST
It's both.

--
"Slick Loons Cow Stumbling Readers." —toxicfur
I may be an expensive mushroom. —iGrrrl
[ Parent ]
24-hour gas stations by jimgon (4.00 / 1) #5 Tue Mar 14, 2006 at 03:15:39 AM EST
There are a lot of these around, but in a lot of smaller towns you don't find them.  Massachusetts has a very old hold over of actual family values.  Not the stuff the Republicans claim to have, but the actual values.  Wanting to see people home with their kids, and gaming the system to allow it.  As with all things Republicans want the cheap labor and capitalism more than the family values or the Christianity they claim.




---------------
Technician - "We can't even get decent physical health care. Mental health is like witchcraft here."
I was asleep, thanks. by iGrrrl (4.00 / 2) #6 Tue Mar 14, 2006 at 04:50:53 AM EST
And great, I now have the image of David Duchovny as a gangsta wannabe in my head.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

work ethic by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #7 Tue Mar 14, 2006 at 05:02:41 AM EST
mine comes and goes.  my 2nd job out of school i learned the lesson of "no matter how hard you work, no matter how good you are, you'll never get ahead" (in that instance it was because i was female and young).  so i now gauge how hard i work based on what it does for me.

it's a little bit difficult in a hospital setting - working my ass off doesn't do squat for me professionally.  however, i go to sleep every night knowing that patients (and their families) whose care depends on my applications have nothing to worry about.

I hope iGrrrl is sleeping now. | 10 comments (10 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback