my arms ache.  my hands are cut and raw.  i have moved at least two tons of furniture and garbage in the last two weeks.  and i have done it alone.  physically alone.  i wonder if my back will ever be the same.

emotionally, it has been as hard as i thought it would be.  my boss and director begged me to stay.  one of my students almost cried.  my co-workers have wished me well through fake smiles and the program that i worked so hard to build will likely fall into ruin.  top it off with seeing $stbx more times in one week than in six months and saying goodbye to her parents (i dearly love her mother) and you have a man who has stood like a stone on the edge of the sea.  wave after wave has broken on me, but next to none of my self has washed away.

but the worst is tomorrow night.  i will say farewill to my little buddies, ages 6 and 11.  the older one will get it.  sort of.  the younger, not at all.  he doesn't know the world without me.  and honestly, i learned more from them than they could ever take from me.  i will fight like hell to stay in touch with them, but i know how the world works.  it will never be the same.  i'll be a name that pops up from time to time and likely little more.  and that breaks my fucking heart.  but it's been broken so many times in the last 3 years that i'm not sure that the pain will even register.

all of this is building up to friday.  i will say goodbye to my co-workers and drive to a large city to pick up stacky.  she'll meet some of my friends and then we'll load up my truck and head south.  we'll have to stop in a couple of places to get some quarters and hopefully by monday we will roll into my new home.

i have been rootless for most of my adult life.  i have rarely felt a sense of home.  when she's with me, that's where i am.  it isn't a place, it's an experience.  with her hand in mine, i'm home.

we've teased about me rearranging her house and moving things to higher shelves.  i get to mow the lawn and clean the gutters in exchange for playing tug with the puppy and shelves for my library.  we've made some plans and there are things that will finally move forward.  we have both busted our asses and pushed our way through personal hells.  somehow, we landed on the other side together.  for that, i am profoundly thankful.

a year ago i was ready to die.  today i'm ready to live.  i'm starting over.

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