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NoMoreNicksLeftist Dietary Law

By NoMoreNicksLeft (Mon Feb 20, 2006 at 07:40:03 PM EST) diet, food, dietary law, religion, satire (all tags)

Most of you are not aware of this bizarre religion. Like Zoroastrianism, you cannot convert to it, you can only be born into it. Today, we will learn about the bizarre dietary restrictions of its philosophically-backwards practicitioners.

Thou shalt eat of the cow.
Thou shalt eat of the pig
Thou shalt eat of the chicken.
Thou shalt eat of the turkey, but only around Thanksgiving and maybe occassionally lunchmeat.
Thou shalt eat Alaskan White Cod, but only from Long John Silver's, because Captain D's is ghetto.
Thou shalt not eat creepy things that crawl around on the bottom of the ocean and have eyeballs on stalks. The lobster, the shrimp, and the crab art forbidden.
Thou shalt not eat slimy things that live in shells. The clam, the oyster, and the snail art forbidden.
Thou shalt not eat green puky vegetables. The broccoli, the brussel sprouts, and the spinach art forbidden.
Thou shalt gorge thyself on all deep-fried foodstuffs at every opportunity, excepting the forbidden.

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Poll

What thing would you never eat, not even if starving?

-	Meat.	8%
-	Green vegetables.	0%
-	Jack Link's Beef Jerky.	8%
-	Bacon grease.	33%
-	That fat girl that works over in customer service.	41%
-	Rat meat.	16%
-	Plastic packing peanuts.	75%
-	Eggplant parmesan.	0%
-	Cafeteria food.	0%
-	Soylent Green (It's made out of people! Peeeeopleee!)	8%
-	Sushi	0%
-	Brass housekeys.	100%
-	Diet Dr. Pepper (ok, so technically you drink it, sue me)	16%
-	Spam	16%
-	Hormel Spam	16%
-	Fiberglass insulation	91%

Votes: 12
Results	\|	Other Polls

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NoMoreNicksLeftist Dietary Law | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback

Thank the FSM... by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #1 Mon Feb 20, 2006 at 07:55:37 PM EST

that I wasn't born into your religion. Or Judaism. Those creepy crawly things from the bottom of the ocean are teh yum. And mmmm. Brussels sprouts. </homer simpson>
--
damn it, lif eis actually really *far4 too good at tghe momnent, shboyukbnt;t whilen. --Dr Thrustgood

: IAWTP by ad hoc (4.00 / 1) #5 Mon Feb 20, 2006 at 09:08:48 PM EST

It also sounds like tempura would be out. But life without shellfish isn't worth living.
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Would you rather battle Klingons or trolls?
[ Parent ]

Can thou eatest by joh3n (2.00 / 0) #2 Mon Feb 20, 2006 at 08:04:08 PM EST

at the Lobster which is Red for thine cod?

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Perhaps. by NoMoreNicksLeft (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Feb 20, 2006 at 08:10:31 PM EST

But it is much safer from a strict interpretationlist standpoint to order steak.
--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]

: Pretty likely by wumpus (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Feb 20, 2006 at 09:05:42 PM EST

Those of us who are divinely ordered to partake of the "stuff with eyestalks that crawls on the bottom", (i.e. Bawlmorons and the like), will never enter a Red Lobster within 200 miles of saltwater, and then only to snear at it.
That is all.
Wumpus

[ Parent ]

Sorry, can't do #5. by ammoniacal (2.00 / 0) #6 Tue Feb 21, 2006 at 12:26:01 AM EST

You're not going to decapitate me on an international news channel, are you?

Irony: ammo says it's time. Tom is blocked.

: You can forgo eating it due to personal preference by NoMoreNicksLeft (4.00 / 1) #7 Tue Feb 21, 2006 at 07:02:08 AM EST

If that's what you mean. However, eating it at Captain D's is a mortal sin.
--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]

$2 says you're a fat bastard by komet (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Feb 21, 2006 at 09:24:41 AM EST

am I right?

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<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.

Actually... by NoMoreNicksLeft (2.00 / 0) #9 Tue Feb 21, 2006 at 09:49:03 AM EST

In 1997 at the age of 23 I was 125lbs with a 28 inch waist. Meeting my ex-girlfriend and living with her changed that a bit, I'm at about 150lbs, maybe I was at 160lbs for awhile. My weight's dropping though, I don't have some ingrained habit to "eat 3 meals a day" no matter what, and I'm doing pretty good about drinking water and not Mt. Dew. I expect to level off at about 140lbs.

I don't expect my waist to ever be below about a 34" from this point on, though. Maybe I should exercise.

Where's my $2?
--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]

overweight is overweight. by garlic (2.00 / 0) #10 Tue Feb 21, 2006 at 10:32:45 AM EST

[ Parent ]

: Who says I'm overweight? by NoMoreNicksLeft (2.00 / 0) #11 Tue Feb 21, 2006 at 11:12:06 AM EST

My BMI is in the safe zone. If anything, I was underweight... the ex-gf said "I thought you had cancer when I met you".
Little or no gut. And even if I am overweight, there is "10 lbs overweight" and then there's "stunt double for Mike Meyer's wearing the fatsuit".
Which brings me to my final point. Is there an emoticon for the extended middle finger?
--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]

NoMoreNicksLeftist Dietary Law | 11 comments (11 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback