Print Story An Invitation to Baby
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By CheeseburgerBrown (Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 06:58:55 AM EST) baby, littlestar, cbb, popsicle, nipples, labour (all tags)
Attention Uterine Infidel: we've prepared a nice place for you to sleep, and arranged for milk. Would you please consider coming out of my wife?


This is Only a Test

In the event of an actual birth we wouldn't have come home again so quickly, and when we did come home we'd have come home with a pulmonary-enabled infant swaddled in a plastic bassinet instead of bringing home take-out freedom fries.

The infant remains within my wife. The knocking about her uterus had been doing was merely a part of the preshow stretch. She had suspected as much, but since the radio said a blizzard was imminent we thought we'd best get in the vicinity of the birthing pool just in case.

The birthing pool is at my mother's house in Leaside, because our old schoolhouse is too far away for the midwives to get to within their guaranteed time for hot pizza delivery or whatever.

We slept in the guest bedroom. The bed was too small and I fell out.

The blizzard was nothing to write home about. Meteorologists are wimps.


Inviting Baby to Earth

Littlestar is not yet overdue, but being pregnant loses its charm in the third trimester. Having somebody grinding their shoulders into your pelvis in the middle of the night becomes irritating rather than cute, for instance. Having your lungs squished into something the size of a kid's packed lunch makes mountains out of molehills. She's leaky and tired and the dog gets jumpy every time Littlestar's uterus quivers. Popsicle says she doesn't like the smell of pregnancy. She wants the baby to come out so she can give him a kiss.

The other day Popsicle was tobogganing with play-group. As Littlestar hauled a sled back up the hill one of the other mothers said, "Oh my god, you'll make yourself go into labour!"

"Sounds good to me," said Littlestar. "Oof."

For my part I'm always at the ready to stimulate her nipples, go for long walks, bring her to orgasm, pour her a glass of pineapple juice, or squirt jissom on her cervix. All of these things are supposed to help ignite the uterus into cycling up for the big expulsion. "Can I have another glass of juice?" she asks.

I feel too lazy to get up. "How about I just stimulate your nipples?"


A Rose By Any Other $NAME

The new child has been named. The endgame was not contentious. Never the less I am happy that I won't be facing this particular challenge again. From now on I'll only be deciding on names for human beings more fictitious than my unborn son.

The last hurdle has been cleared. Baby: come out! (Only don't do it on Monday because I have two meetings to go to.)


< He's got radioactive blood | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
An Invitation to Baby | 27 comments (27 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Dude ... by Improbus (4.00 / 2) #1 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 07:43:07 AM EST
Only don't do it on Monday because I have two meetings to go to.

Simply by saying this you will make it happen.  Is that  your dastardly plan?



If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago. --- Oma Desala
Whatever Gets The Job Done. by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #4 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 09:20:49 AM EST
I do not agree by debacle (4.00 / 1) #9 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 11:18:48 AM EST
Ours was induced by intercourse and the intercourse was, at best, terrible.

Not to say that she didn't perform excellently, but stopping half way and wondering and then being told to go ahead while you lose your erection getting a terrible mental image of skullfucking your own unborn child.

Yeah, it was rough.

The breasts, however, were very pleasant.


IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
Your mistake by Man (4.00 / 4) #14 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 04:56:07 PM EST
Never think when you're getting laid.

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Always Come Prepared. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #22 Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 05:24:08 AM EST
Debacle should have boned up on his research beforehand.

Unless his man-unit is exceptionally long and exceptionally warped, his ability to penetrate the meatsack is virtually nil.

Nature, of course, isn't retarded.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.
[ Parent ]
Where are you getting your jizz? by Rogerborg (4.00 / 2) #2 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 08:37:10 AM EST
Those 5 gallon drums from the Chinese grocery store look like good value, but you'll only use a couple of pints before it goes all yellow and crusty.  Go for the little tubs that you can get at most decent Italian delis.

From my limited experience, the Eurovision Song Contest is good for inducing labour.  Do you get NBC?

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.

I Roll My Own. by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 2) #6 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 09:22:46 AM EST
Have you tried Mexican? by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #3 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 09:03:58 AM EST
My Aunt who worked in the maternity ward said sex and Mexican food were sure ways to bring out a late baby. Also, reservations at a very nice restaurant work too.


The Midwives Suggestion Assplosion, Yes. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #5 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 09:22:02 AM EST
We're not actually late yet -- just excited. The official due date isn't until February 16th, but I have my money on the 14th or the full moon, whichever comes first.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.
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04:44 UTC on the 13th then by Vulch (2.00 / 0) #8 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 11:12:12 AM EST

So you'll just have dropped off to sleep and have to get up again.

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I can vouch for the mexican food. by NoMoreNicksLeft (4.00 / 4) #7 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 09:25:00 AM EST
But I wouldn't exactly call them babies.
--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]
Or a membrane sweep by Rogerborg (4.00 / 1) #10 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 12:51:07 PM EST
If you believe in that sort of primitive superstitious mumbo-jumbo, I mean.

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Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
Only if I'm overdue by littlestar (2.00 / 0) #11 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 02:27:07 PM EST
Which, truthfully, probably won't happen. It's just the end part seems so long.
*twinkle*twinkle*


[ Parent ]
make it less comfy in there by LilFlightTest (4.00 / 1) #12 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 04:30:26 PM EST
than it is out here. apparently i decided to leave the womb early because i didnt want to be in there the next time mom accidentally touched an electric fence.
Send me to Austria!
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PS: by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #13 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 04:33:37 PM EST
ingrid is really cute. can i come over and play?
Send me to Austria!
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Sure. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #23 Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 05:26:45 AM EST
Our standard deal for au pair girls is we'll feed you and drive you in from the airport, but you have to pay your own fare and bring your own change of pants.

It looks like July-August will be Mlle J.'s territory again, so book early to ensure your preferred season is available.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.
[ Parent ]
oddly enough by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #26 Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 06:57:11 AM EST
during my spring break (mid march) nick may end up working near toronto. maybe i'll tag along and stop over for a visit.
Send me to Austria!
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oh jesus by yankeehack (2.00 / 0) #18 Sun Feb 12, 2006 at 07:11:58 AM EST
I thought I had forgotten about that. 

A membrane sweep is when your friendly ob-gyn stimulates the cervix with a couple fingers for more than a few minutes. It hurts like hell and didn't work.
"...she dares to indulge in the secret sport. You can't be a MILF with the F, at least in part because the M is predicated upon it."-CBB

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/me/ sets bowl of ice cream down on table by ammoniacal (4.00 / 2) #15 Sat Feb 11, 2006 at 08:33:04 PM EST
I'm just going to assume that the word "leaky" was a typo on your part.

for now.

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

Wouldn't that be cool.. by littlestar (4.00 / 1) #16 Sun Feb 12, 2006 at 05:36:41 AM EST
Well, at least you can pretend, I can't I'm livin' it! Enjoy your innocence.
*twinkle*twinkle*


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Hey, as long as you're up-- by ammoniacal (4.00 / 1) #17 Sun Feb 12, 2006 at 07:00:39 AM EST
Can you fix me a chai with that stuff?

"To this day that was the most bullshit caesar salad I have every experienced..." - triggerfinger

[ Parent ]
How Do You Take Your "Hot Tea", Yank? by CheeseburgerBrown (4.00 / 1) #21 Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 05:21:42 AM EST
two weeks plus by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #19 Sun Feb 12, 2006 at 10:23:57 AM EST
Both Little K and MJ were about 2 weeks late.  I remember looking at my belly and saying, "I'm ready for you to come out now!"

Except that I wasn't.  MJ was due on the 7th.  I had a grant due on the 19th.  He was born on the 20th.  Gooood baby.

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

Mercy! by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #20 Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 05:19:14 AM EST
The midwives have used all kinds of voodoo to gather their metrics of imminence, but nevertheless I am trying to remind myself that with pregnancy|birth|infants no scenario is too improbable to consider. As Popsicle is fond as saying, "We sometimes never know."

Considering the rate at which the wee thing is inflating I shudder to imagine a birth two weeks from now. It would be like Neo exploding out of Agent Smith in the end of The Matrix -- bits of Littlestar all over the place.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.
[ Parent ]
no bits by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #24 Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 06:04:40 AM EST
If littlestar follows the usual pattern, it will be faster.  LIttle K was born after 36 hours (prodromal to free-breathing baby), whereas MJ took about 3 hours from first contraction. 

Lots of good baby mojo your way!

Plus, I like popsicle's take on the world, and answer with my friend's son D's pronouncement, "It's always Saturday in outer space."

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

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That's Brilliant. by CheeseburgerBrown (2.00 / 0) #25 Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 06:13:33 AM EST
It's always Saturday in outer space.

I'm running out right now to have that tattooed across my back.

On delivery timing: it's exactly that sort of three hour possibility that has up jumpy enough to react to false labour. Last time we just had to hang around at home -- this time it involves a 45 minute winter drive to the city to get to my mom's house.

It is possible we may have the baby in the car, which would be...I don't know. Interesting.


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.
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highway baby scare by iGrrrl (4.00 / 1) #27 Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 09:24:19 AM EST
It is possible we may have the baby in the car...

I kid you not, had it not been for the SARS outbreak, MJ might have been born in the car.  My birthplace of choice is/was in Chinatown, which is usually a madhouse late Saturday nights, but was nearly deserted due to fears of repiratory illness.

The nurses did the obligatory dilation check, expecting not much since it had only been 2 hours since labor started, and said, "Oh my god!" just as I said, "I would really like to push now."

"Beautiful wine, talking of scattered everythings"
(and thanks to Scrymarch)

[ Parent ]
An Invitation to Baby | 27 comments (27 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback