Print Story Dreams and Gambling
By toxicfur (Fri Dec 08, 2006 at 12:48:02 PM EST) (all tags)
By request 1 and request 2.

Even though other people's dreams tend to be boring and tedious. And my gambling stories are pretty mundane as well.

Recently, I've dreamed about little besides $evil_project. These are dreams that make it seem I should be getting paid for being asleep. As with real life, I don't seem to accomplish much asleep, either, unfortunately.

Two nights ago, I had a dream that broke the boring pattern. I don't remember what it was about except that it wasn't about $evil_project. I remember being happy in my dream. And then the dream froze, and a hamster wheel of death appeared. I realized I was watching my dream on a screen. I was bummed that it locked up, too, since it was a fun dream before that happened.

I do think the point of that dream is that I spend far too much time with farley, my ibook. And that farley's hamster-wheel-of-death has been spinning far too often for my peace of mind.

In blixco's recent diary on the thrill of gambling, he cited mine and ana's story as an instance of gambling. It was gambling, but, at the same time, it wasn't really. When I gambled (past tense now that I can't just think about myself), I did it with my life. I drank vast quantities of booze, I drove very fast, I took strange pills from people I barely knew. I sometimes did all of those simultaneously. All I wanted from it was to feel, and the adrenaline rush of risking it all was really the only thing that worked. Yes, it's melodramatic. But for a year or so of my life, between scraping myself off the floor and screwing my head back on, I gambled. And I didn't care if I lost.

But toxicfur didn't lose then.

I had everything to gain by moving up here - to love, to a friend, to a new job (using my expensive education), to a blue state. I had almost nothing to lose. Sure, I could have gotten here and ana could have decided that I just wasn't the one, and that would have really, really sucked, but the move would have still be worthwhile. I still would know ana. I want to think we would have continued to be friends.

Because we were friends first, before we even knew we were real people. The biggest gamble I took was asking for ana's email address, and then writing, and then being honest. Even then, the odds were in my favor. If I lost, then what had I lost? Another imaginary internet friend? Didn't seem like such a big deal in those first few months of exchanges, and by the time it was a big deal, I'd grown accustomed to honesty and openness. Who knew it could be possible?

My relationship with ana was a gamble, but the odds were stacked almost entirely in my favor. And toxicfur WINS!

< Illiteracy | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
Dreams and Gambling | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
not much of a gamble by ana (4.00 / 2) #1 Fri Dec 08, 2006 at 01:57:18 PM EST
It started out just bitching about things, relationships, life, the universe, and everything. At first in blogs, then by e-mail, hundreds of them.

Backing up a bit, I'd bought an airplane ticket and flown off to meet imaginary intarweb people a couple times that summer. So it didn't seem all that much of a stretch to do it a third time.

And it turned out we had a mutual imaginary friend (well, a couple), who were able to tell the both of us that, yes, we are for real.

And the rest, as they say, is history. Mediated by a very sweet kitty, who climbed up into my lap that first evening together, and took away all the nerves, pretty much.

So the deal was, we'd both pretty much given up on the whole relationship thing; we both put all our cards on the table right from the start, and so there weren't really any secrets to be revealed.

Also, ana WINS. In a lot of ways it's hard for me to remember that person I was, before, though I've tried to put parts of it in my fiction, with mixed results.

Regular, or decaf abomination? --Kellnerin

You give me hope. by Corky Sherwood (4.00 / 1) #2 Fri Dec 08, 2006 at 06:45:05 PM EST

out there....

woot by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #3 Sat Dec 09, 2006 at 12:48:55 PM EST

Blizzard of Death '06
The easy gambles by debacle (4.00 / 1) #4 Sun Dec 10, 2006 at 01:15:38 PM EST
Are the ones you don't plan on loosing.


Oh dear by debacle (4.00 / 1) #5 Sun Dec 10, 2006 at 01:16:08 PM EST
How embarrassing.



[ Parent ]
does anybody really plan to lose? by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #7 Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 09:08:45 AM EST

[ Parent ]
gambles by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #6 Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 09:07:35 AM EST
when clock and I met for the first time, we knew at the very worst we'd walk away very close friends.  it was pretty much a win-win situation.

Dreams and Gambling | 7 comments (7 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback