Two nights ago, I had a dream that broke the boring pattern. I don't remember what it was about except that it wasn't about $evil_project. I remember being happy in my dream. And then the dream froze, and a hamster wheel of death appeared. I realized I was watching my dream on a screen. I was bummed that it locked up, too, since it was a fun dream before that happened.
I do think the point of that dream is that I spend far too much time with farley, my ibook. And that farley's hamster-wheel-of-death has been spinning far too often for my peace of mind.
In blixco's recent diary on the thrill of gambling, he cited mine and ana's story as an instance of gambling. It was gambling, but, at the same time, it wasn't really. When I gambled (past tense now that I can't just think about myself), I did it with my life. I drank vast quantities of booze, I drove very fast, I took strange pills from people I barely knew. I sometimes did all of those simultaneously. All I wanted from it was to feel, and the adrenaline rush of risking it all was really the only thing that worked. Yes, it's melodramatic. But for a year or so of my life, between scraping myself off the floor and screwing my head back on, I gambled. And I didn't care if I lost.
But toxicfur didn't lose then.
I had everything to gain by moving up here - to love, to a friend, to a new job (using my expensive education), to a blue state. I had almost nothing to lose. Sure, I could have gotten here and ana could have decided that I just wasn't the one, and that would have really, really sucked, but the move would have still be worthwhile. I still would know ana. I want to think we would have continued to be friends.
Because we were friends first, before we even knew we were real people. The biggest gamble I took was asking for ana's email address, and then writing, and then being honest. Even then, the odds were in my favor. If I lost, then what had I lost? Another imaginary internet friend? Didn't seem like such a big deal in those first few months of exchanges, and by the time it was a big deal, I'd grown accustomed to honesty and openness. Who knew it could be possible?
My relationship with ana was a gamble, but the odds were stacked almost entirely in my favor. And toxicfur WINS!
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