I am moved into the house, in the sense that all my stuff is on the premises, although much of it is still in boxes, and some of the boxes are in the wrong rooms, and some of the walls are still torn up, and there are even still some broken things and missing things. I have spent all of one night at my new home out of the past week, due to all the Christmas fun, but this is as I like it, this particular year.
I am at work this week, as I am the lone sucker who preferred to take her remaining vacation days before Christmas rather than between Christmas and New Years, so it's just me, my distant offshore pals, and a very few local workaholics here in the office this week.
The boy is off with his dad on the other side of the country until tomorrow night, and will be with me the next day, for 'kid Christmas'. After that, he is off with my mom to visit his great grandparents over the weekend.
Between the house purchase and Christmas, I have lost control of my finances almost completely, and will be struggling to get the runaway horse under control again over the next month or two. This, too, is ok, because I have a plan. But wow, am I broke. I'm used to having a big fat cushion and not having to balance the checkbook and such, but I guess it was time to rejoin the real world anyhoo and start tracking these things and maybe live with a budget, eat peanut butter sandwiches and ramen, crazy shit like that. Hey, I never was much of a cook anyway, I have a limited repertoire, and it's all outer darkness and lions there beyond the DMZ.
You know, it's been a tough few months for me, in the sense I've been uprooted and out of sorts for a while, I had a couple of odd personal-life things going on which I wasn't certain how to handle, there have been spikes of difficulty and frustration, there have been a lot of logistics and tasks and deadlines to manage which at times I've doine well and at other times poorly, there have been financial issues, family issues and even kidlet issues, just repeating avalanches of small- to medium-sized things, and yet through all this stress, my internal world has had smooth sailing. Oh, some stress, sure, but hell, that's okay. I feel sorted out. I feel calm. I feel ready, and I think sometimes when you are really ready, interesting things begin to take shape before your eyes. Somehow, I think this is true.
I've spent the entirety of the past week with people very, very special to me, family and friends and neighbors, some old and some new. I've been home just one night this week, every other moment has been on the road in one way or another. I was asked, at different times, "What do you want for Christmas?" I said, nothing, no more stuff. I have all the 'stuff' I need, there is nothing I want, and really nothing else that I need could be put into a box and wrapped and left under the tree for me anyway. This year, I have received everything I needed and many things I wanted.
I had the opportunity before Christmas to just 'run away from home' for a few days, and for the first time in a long while, there was an open window of no schedule, no logistics that couldn't be handled on the fly, no concern about the passage of time or the progression of things upon things, the eternal tyranny of what will follow what and when, and that time and that freedom was the best gift I could ever have received, period, end of story. I have a new perspective on some things, and I am, simply put, very, very lucky to be where and when I am. I don't know what else to say.
I also wanted to tell superdiva something, and because of the circumstances it ought to be public. She and I had a big disagreement a while back about a thing which I thought at the time was ridiculous, and I just didn't get it. Now, I really get it. Discretion, privacy, and control over disclosure is gold, and once any of that is out the door you can't get it all back. I'd like to issue her a public apology, no reply expected, but there it is. I understand now, and I apologize with complete sincerity. I was wrong.
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