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By 2 plus 3 equals 5 (Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 09:43:43 AM EST) (all tags)
And such like.


I came to this from the opening scene, not sure of where it would go.  I've had someone IRL say that they didn't think Judith would crack as easily as she does, but there is a reason for it.  It's because of what the narrator does in the first scene: he doesn't fuck her or ask for a blow job, or anything else.  It's all about her, getting her off, giving to her.  She'd never had anyone do that before, and it made her start looking at him as different. Otherwise, she'd have found a way to turn down the dinner date.

The narrator likes her because she's not psycho, but also because she's not like her exterior, either.  That's the part I didn't get to show as much, although I hinted at it with Dan's observations (note to self, stop putting Dan in stories).

toxicfur: "I'm not sure what to say about this story. The dialogue is dead-on perfect, but the characters don't entirely ring true. I'm not sure exactly why that is."

I think it's because it needed another thousand words or a better writer.  As it was, I pulled a persimmon and Strunked it to make it fit the 2K limit.  The exercise made it better, but there were things I wanted to say (or have them say) more about, and that might have helped.  But as a 2K piece, it failed a bit.

fleece: "i like this one. The dialogue was authentic for me."

Thanks.  That's the one thing I've spent most of my time on besides plot, although my plot stories are usually much longer.  Now I need to plot in smaller bites.  Egg worked for that.  This one didn't, so much.

persimmon:  "Almost voted. Nicely paced, well-written dialogue (penis breath!), but the abuse/nails as armor/works out in the end doesn't quite click for me."

I had a feeling women might have a problem with it - too much shorthand, and written by someone who has never, er, had a manicure, to say the least.  Judith has a lot to do with a real person (as do Jenna, Dan and the narrator, so I guess I violated my own Rule number 1), but condensed and simplified.  Probably not the right story to attempt that. 

Kellnerin: "Liked it; can't easily explain why."

I'm tempted to say it's my brilliant writing, but it isn't.  Glad you did.  Post your own post-mortem so I can tell you why I liked yours.

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Words about Three Words | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
six words is not a lot by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #1 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 12:59:40 PM EST
Your story was hard to sum up in that contrived format. The dialogue was well done, as so many others said. I liked the narrator, and could imagine Judith falling for him. I wanted them to work out, so was willing to overlook the fact that it comes together far too quickly, just for the reassurance that it does work out. I liked that the "three words" start off as the three you'd think they'd be, but at the end, are three different words that mean the same thing in their own idiolect. Lots of little things that worked well.

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"If we build it, will they come, and what will they do when they get here?" -- iGrrrl
She didn't expect to fall for him by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 04:10:47 PM EST
Also, I didn't do much (besides the comment on her nails) to indicate just how much time passed between restaurant and ring.  It would have been at least a year, and probably two.  But cool.  I'm glad it worked for you.  Will you and persimmon co-host the next one, sometime after November?

-- Do the math.
[ Parent ]
I got that by Kellnerin (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 04:27:03 PM EST
Both Judith falling in spite of herself, and the passage of (some unspecified amount of) time before the ending. Even if in "story time" it's not a quick turnaround, though, the reader has to make that jump in a short space of ... I dunno what to call it, "text time," I guess. Just part of the overall compressed feeling of the story, which I'm sure would be more successful with a bit more space to stretch in.

persimmon and I will work something out. I think hosting a WFC during NaNoWriMo is not only folly, but we need some time for both writers and readers/voters to bounce back from this one before taking the plunge again. So "after November" sounds fair.

--
"If we build it, will they come, and what will they do when they get here?" -- iGrrrl

[ Parent ]
I just went back and re-read it by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #8 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 04:32:07 PM EST
I fucked up the restaurant scene.  The first half is okay, and the last two paragraphs, but in between it needed less or more.  I give myself a B-.

So after November it is.

-- Do the math.

[ Parent ]
I've never had a manicure, either by persimmon (4.00 / 1) #2 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 02:47:55 PM EST
And I was happy for the ending up together; it just didn't make sense to me for the narrator to point out that her nails were short and unpolished (by which I thought I was expected to infer that her issues were all resolved and her armor no longer needed).
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"Nature is such a fucking plagarist."
Lots of time by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 04:08:06 PM EST
And yeah, the nails were shorthand for things being better in her head, but you're right that it would have worked better without it.

-- Do the math.
[ Parent ]
Barry Manilow is on the Colbert Report. by toxicfur (4.00 / 1) #3 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 03:50:40 PM EST
I thought I'd get that bit of bitching out of my system before I said something nice about your story. Because my teeth are now on edge, I'm afraid it won't come out just right.

As I said in my review, the dialogue really, really worked, but I agree that you could've used another 1000 words to fill in the gaps. Of course, some I just miss - like the fact that he didn't fuck her and that was significant. It hadn't occurred to me that he would - I guess that's a sign that I've been in a happy relationship for too long. I've forgotten about the stupid games that people play when they're dating.
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inspiritation: the effect of irritating someone so much it inspires them to do something about it. --BuggEye

Stupid games by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (4.00 / 1) #6 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 04:12:23 PM EST
They suck.  But yeah, he was trying to say something, but he didn't know what or how.

-- Do the math.
[ Parent ]
Words about Three Words | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback