The narrator likes her because she's not psycho, but also because she's not like her exterior, either. That's the part I didn't get to show as much, although I hinted at it with Dan's observations (note to self, stop putting Dan in stories).
toxicfur: "I'm not sure what to say about this story. The dialogue is dead-on perfect, but the characters don't entirely ring true. I'm not sure exactly why that is."
I think it's because it needed another thousand words or a better writer. As it was, I pulled a persimmon and Strunked it to make it fit the 2K limit. The exercise made it better, but there were things I wanted to say (or have them say) more about, and that might have helped. But as a 2K piece, it failed a bit.
fleece: "i like this one. The dialogue was authentic for me."
Thanks. That's the one thing I've spent most of my time on besides plot, although my plot stories are usually much longer. Now I need to plot in smaller bites. Egg worked for that. This one didn't, so much.
persimmon: "Almost voted. Nicely paced, well-written dialogue (penis breath!), but the abuse/nails as armor/works out in the end doesn't quite click for me."
I had a feeling women might have a problem with it - too much shorthand, and written by someone who has never, er, had a manicure, to say the least. Judith has a lot to do with a real person (as do Jenna, Dan and the narrator, so I guess I violated my own Rule number 1), but condensed and simplified. Probably not the right story to attempt that.
Kellnerin: "Liked it; can't easily explain why."
I'm tempted to say it's my brilliant writing, but it isn't. Glad you did. Post your own post-mortem so I can tell you why I liked yours.
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