And outside of this, I have thanks to give.
Looking back on everything that I had ever written back in the K5 days or even here, I do not feel as suspended from all of it as I had at one point. What a few years it has been. Indeed.
I am not sure if I communicated this at all, but I quit smoking three years ago, and during that time, I quit the opposite sex as well. And what it has taught me. Yes, indeed. An incredible fast. I can be alone. Self sufficient, emotionally independent, and free to explore my recess as much as my heart desires. A deep experience in relating, in itself.
As some of you know, I went through a lot of intense pain these past eight years. The remnants of my toxic love affair with a tormented soul, and my encounter with the highly profane, mundane, and very miserable experience with the outside world of work and commerce both came at me like a crack deal gone south. Both of which I was not even remotely ready or willing for- but maybe I was? Who can tell. It was an excruciatingly painful time. Still, I survived both of these traumas unbeaten and unscathed. Who can keep this inchworm down? No one. Go ahead and try. I know what I want, and my dream waits for me in the horizon past the bend...
My resignation letter in February was the first day I stepped away from the stupor of my angst ridden spiritual depression and back into what was once the empty shell of my loving, independent, recklessly charming happy go lucky self. Welcome me back, as I stare at the reflection in the mirror.
I feel as I am once again in bloom. I can take on anything. Everything about me has changed. Yet I remain the same. Oh great year, I give thanks. I am happy to have waded into myself for so long in bitterness, in darkness, in pure unhappiness, and I am happy to have lived it all as authentically as I possibly could have, for now, no bitterness remains, my unhappiness and forlornness, has all but vanished. How is this even possible?
I am thankful for my friends, my kindred spirits, my buddies here online that have loved me and my words since the beginning days. I have so much thanks to give.
And with love, how long have I fasted! And now, the mornings break fast, how sweet it tastes. Whatever this sweetness that has found me yet again is, I would wish and pray that it passes on to all of you, and everyone that surrounds me. This light is yours for the taking. To spread it and not to feel too thin or overwhelmed, but what a blessing.
You may wonder if I haven't fallen in love already. I have not. Fallen. For whatever I have learnt, discovered, I can never fall again. I will walk, glide, skip happily through love. I am walking. I am gliding. I am surrounded, wrapped, shawled in love. And this, not one person, but several. Grace. I am alive once more.
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