Print Story How to eliminate someone over Xmas.
Diary
By Alice Pulley (Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:05:54 AM EST) (all tags)
Buy them a bike. I bought one for myself and have been in considerable danger ever since.


Incident 1)

Rode into whiplike thorny branch, tore facial skin quite badly, veered into road, narrowly avoided car, toiletary malfunction.

Incident 2)

Repeated occurences of drivers not being prepared to wait a couple of seconds for a bit of a gap and accelerating past me apr 1 mm away. Toiletary malfunctioning again.

Incident 3)

1 ft tall (thats apr 2 hands for USians) brick wall, covered by long grass. Hit at terminal velocity. Outcomes including undesired neutering, additional facial damage, hand damage, new bike damage. Toiletary malfunctioning by now a habit.

WHY DID NO-ONE WARN ME?

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How to eliminate someone over Xmas. | 29 comments (29 topical, 0 hidden)
Welcome to the merry world by Metatone (4.00 / 1) #1 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:08:28 AM EST
of the bicycle. You get used to bad drivers over time, but you always need to keep a look out for low hanging branches. How did you end up crashing into a wall?

Because some evil bastard... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #2 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:10:53 AM EST
...decided to build a small wall for no practical purpose in the middle of a grassy cutthrough I use. It's only 1 ft tall and was almost invisible due to grass length. B-I-G spill.

I would like my penis back ISG thanks.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
didn't they tell you at the store? by bobdole (4.00 / 1) #3 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:23:51 AM EST
When you succumb to the bikingscene, you've gotta hand in all you penii and any attachments. Biking and outies don't go well together.
-- The revolution will not be televised.
[ Parent ]
Your whole life by debacle (2.00 / 1) #4 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:30:19 AM EST
Is a toiletary malfunction.

Thank god you self-castrated.


IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

Hmmm... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #10 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 05:16:02 AM EST
...4'd then redacted to a 2. Pretty lazy, expected something a bit better from you.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
You're not worth the effort, really by debacle (2.00 / 1) #16 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 07:43:21 AM EST
If I wanted to, I could probably fuck a three every day of the week, too, but I don't.

That was an analogy, by the way.


IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
Defence against drivers by ChiefHoser (4.00 / 1) #5 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:31:05 AM EST
...is fairly easy. All you have to do is attached a piece of a metal hanger to the rear of your bike with the sharp, cut end out about just past where your elbow normally sits. Thus when a car is too close they get a nice long scratch in their paint.

This of course neglects any moral or legal issues that may arise upon using such a device.
--------------

Chiefhoser

No legal issues by anonimouse (2.00 / 0) #6 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:36:48 AM EST
Providing you put a coloured marker near the end of the pointy bit and a warning "Beware of pointy thing" on the back. Its then his resposibility to avoid aforementioned pointy thing.

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL
[ Parent ]
An alternative by Vulch (4.00 / 1) #8 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 05:12:00 AM EST

And one the average car driver is more likely to see, is a basket hilt on the end of each handle bar. To protect my hands against flailing branches officer, honest!

[ Parent ]
Might be an idea by squigs (2.00 / 0) #9 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 05:13:20 AM EST
Drivers get extremely close.  Apparently they're even worse if you have a helmet. 

[ Parent ]
Worse by ChiefHoser (2.00 / 0) #17 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 09:07:25 AM EST
Or if you don't look female.

I actually know a fellow biker that uses a sharp piece of metal (I believe from wind surfing gear) that is painted orange on the tip on his bike. He told me it still gets hit a surprising number of times over the course of a year.
--------------

Chiefhoser

[ Parent ]
Well I think by Driusan (4.00 / 2) #7 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:56:47 AM EST
The main problem here is that you're trying to bike in Britain. Why don't you move to Canada or the Netherlands or France or something?

--
Vive le Montréal libre.
Practical and concise. by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #12 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 05:18:23 AM EST
4'd. Rather annoyingly I missed Lhusi drinks unavoidably last week but am in London tonight. Bah.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Think of the (foreign) children! by Vulch (4.00 / 2) #11 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 05:17:00 AM EST

Continental parents have been aware of this system for many years. Why else would they send their little darlings to Cambridge for the summer where they get given a cheap, brightly coloured, backpack and a bike, and get sent out to play in the traffic.

I was interested to find out recently that the correct term for these people is no longer EFLS, English as a Foreign Language Students, they are now referred to as ESOLS, English for Speakers of Other Languages Students. ESOLS is definitely one of the words that springs to mind when you encounter a pack of them cycling down the wrong side of the road...

<generalising> by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #13 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 05:19:54 AM EST
Why do all foreign students have at least 1 flourescent item of clothing or baggage? Is it mandatory?
</generalising>

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Oh crap, I forgot to send this email: by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 2) #14 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 05:32:59 AM EST

Hey Alice, when you get that bike, be very careful; it's a dangerous thing, and you'll get yourself into all sorts of scrapes if you're not careful. Even if you are careful, in fact.

Yours in Christ,
The Bike People


-
You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
Oh, so now you guys show up. by Alice Pulley (4.00 / 1) #15 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 06:21:05 AM EST
Seriously, I'm sending a letter to the management.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
He IS the management, BITCH! [nt] by debacle (4.00 / 2) #21 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:22:57 PM EST


IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
How very astute of you by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #19 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 12:33:58 PM EST
a) He doesn't live in London.

b) Your grasp of risk is poor. I don't know whether physics really comes into it.

Even more difficult by debacle (4.00 / 1) #22 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 04:23:39 PM EST
How do you calculate the ratio of risk to physics?

IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
Fairly easy by Cloaked User (2.00 / 0) #25 Sat Nov 18, 2006 at 03:43:35 AM EST
If it involves undergrads and one or more of: radiation sources, lasers, liquid nitrogen/oxygen/etc and hazardous/explosive materials then the ratio will be pretty damn high, otherwise it'll be effectively zero (but only because the risk is).


--
This is not a psychotic episode. It is a cleansing moment of clarity.
[ Parent ]
Does aluminium foil count as explosive? by Dr H0ffm4n (2.00 / 0) #26 Mon Nov 27, 2006 at 12:49:26 AM EST


[ Parent ]
Not in my hands by Cloaked User (2.00 / 0) #27 Mon Nov 27, 2006 at 01:42:06 PM EST
But there was this one guy...


--
This is not a psychotic episode. It is a cleansing moment of clarity.
[ Parent ]
Imperial's physics labs breed guys like that... by Dr H0ffm4n (2.00 / 0) #28 Tue Nov 28, 2006 at 01:33:55 AM EST


[ Parent ]
And yet, I survived by Cloaked User (2.00 / 0) #29 Tue Nov 28, 2006 at 03:02:54 AM EST
I count this as one of my achievements.


--
This is not a psychotic episode. It is a cleansing moment of clarity.
[ Parent ]
I survived by staying in bed by Dr H0ffm4n (4.00 / 1) #30 Tue Nov 28, 2006 at 05:26:18 AM EST


[ Parent ]
Incident[s] 2 by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #20 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 12:37:30 PM EST
Is the friendly driver's way of telling you you're riding too close to the curb. PM me your address and I'll lend you a copy of Cyclecraft. Or look at the Cyclecraft website.

Honest, it works.

You get used to it by nebbish (4.00 / 2) #23 Thu Nov 16, 2006 at 11:52:58 PM EST
Treat every driver as a possible idiot and you'll be fine. The only way to avoid motorists scraping past with a milimetre to spare is to ride out in the road a bit more (a metre away from the kerb is a good rule of thumb) so they can't squeeze past, which is accepted practice.

I'll take this opportunity to relate my best cycling accident - still pissed from the night before, I didn't manage to stay on the road and rode straight over a kerb, across the pavement and into a lamppost. Extra comedy was provided by then slowly falling off my bike sideways.

--------
It's political correctness gone mad!

obplspstvidkthx by Alice Pulley (4.00 / 1) #24 Fri Nov 17, 2006 at 12:02:09 AM EST


--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
How to eliminate someone over Xmas. | 29 comments (29 topical, 0 hidden)