Print Story Another View of My Monthly Review Today
Mostly work stuff today, I know.. this is quite a change. I suspect this will be less rambly too, but we'll see.


My manager is a good guy. In fact, I would go so far as to say he's the best manager I've ever had. So anything I have to say here is not really a bad reflection upon him.

I had my monthly review today. Well, I say monthly but my last monthly was in April. I guess if they weren't sending my manager or me out of town so much it would've been sooner, but I'm nonplussed about it really.

The same questions come up with the same reactions every time it seems.

"So, how do you feel things have been going with the team?" (I work on a small team of 5 guys who support a ridiculous variety of applications/servers over a massive network. ( >5,000 servers though we do not have an official count.))

"Well, as I mentioned back in April, I feel we're a team of 3 with 2 others that may sometimes join in to share workloads." Liar "Since your pressure in the last few months on one individual in particular, it has gotten a little better, but it is still unreliable." Faker

No, the real answer to this is that the person in question only snags the bits when he's talked to and then lapses back into his dramaqueen coma. "My dad is sick." "My doctor told me to get off my diet or I would have a heart attack." "I am pissed because I can't take a vacation and go scuba diving." All constant tirades for hours to various coworkers instead of doing his fucking job. I can't rat out this bastard because it is not my place to do so (stupid leftover Catholic school training). I can only suggest and prod.

"So what motivates you?"

"Knowledge and Compensation."Liar

No, what motivates me are games, liquor, and booty. Would I like to be making more money? Sure, if only to crawl from my hideyhole faster really, but I'm not out to be a rich man (Dubba dubba dubba dum). Do I enjoy learning? Absolutely, but I long ago gave up the self-delusion that I was one of those education for education sake sort of people. I love learning what I love learning. I'm picky. I can't just pick up whatever they want and love to do it, I *WILL* do it if it's my job, but I won't profess to love it. There's a huge difference. Does this mean I'm immature with self-centered priorities and I am unwilling to change? Probably.

"Where do you see yourself in 2-5 years? I know last time we talked you weren't sure if you wanted to do this anymore?"

"Oh, last time we talked the entire workload was shouldered on me because we had two people out and the other 2 were the ones who aren't team players. I don't think I said I wasn't sure I wanted to do this, and if it came off that way I apologise, but I think what I was implying that I didn't want to do this if the situation stayed the same. Luckily it has been a bit better as of late." Faker.

No, the last time we talked that's pretty much what I said, and I didn't say it just because I was shouldering the team, but because I'm never sure what I'm going to do in 2-5 years. In 2-5 years I see myself in a ditch covered in gasoline on fire. I've seen myself that way since I was 16 and am continually surprised when it doesn't happen. Does this mean I am immature, self-centered, and unwilling to change? Probably.

"Do you have any concerns you wish to share?"

"Not particularly. I think we're in a transitionary phase and most of my concerns will iron themselves out in time." Liar.

I have lots of concerns, I just don't think what goes on here has much to do with me, and thus do not care. I'm concerned that I'm a corporate whore. I'm concerned that my job is to help people continue making money off of money that other people can't pay. I'm concerned that I am unwilling to change. I'm concerned that if my car breaks down I won't be able to afford a new one to make the long drive to work because I can't afford to live in the upper-middle white flight area where my office is located some 40 minutes away. I'm concerned that one day I'll drink antifreeze on a whim while drunk. I'm concerned that some days I feel completely numb and I blame not just the office, but myself as well for being stuck in a rut. I am concerned that I don't find things as funny as I once did. I am concerned that my entire career has been based off of luck and an innate ability to make an encyclopedia of random nodes in my head which I have used to get by for years while at the same time my mind/body degrades as I hit 30 soon. I am concerned that the sun will implode forming a black hole and suckling all of us into it's nethering teat. I'm concerned that it won't. I'm concerned that I actually list this as a concern. So what?

"Well, what I'd like to see you do is get your hands in more stuff. You're definitely a performer on the team, but you need to be more like <goldenboy>."

"Well, certainly, but did you know I was doing <ridiculous list of projects and support>?"

"No, and that's the problem. I need you to communicate those things otherwise I will not know."

Okay, fair enough, but tooting my own horn like the perceived goldenboy (who really only is viewed as such because he works closely with our upper developers and then takes credit for their fixes instead of actually doing what our job is supposed to be)seems a little icky to me. Call me an idealist if you will (heh), but I believe in doing your job and doing it well, and not feeling like you deserve anything other than what you get. I don't ask for things, I never have. It's not something I do. I don't like gratuitous praise, and so I do not seek it. If I feel like I'm really not getting enough compensation (and my feelings on this are very loose compared to my compatriots who bitch even though they make more than me after being here for so many years), I find something else. It's on me at that point. Is it the workplace environments fault? (Stupid catholic school leftovers) No, it's my own issue, but it doesn't mean I have to like the way "things are". I just deal with it; but at the same time I do not need to be told to model myself after some false idol. No one needs that shit.

In conclusion, I could just be honest, but at the same time, no one really wants complete honesty. Secondly, who would really care? What would it really change? No, I'm just floating through here until I switch nodes. It just gets old after a while. Maybe I should go run and join a Buddhist monastery.. or the peace corps. But for that you have to believe in Things. I don't think they have Existentialist monasteries. Hell... that sounds pretty good.. maybe I should start one.

Pheewww.. I feel better... thanks. Sorry about all that. I know I sound like I should be 15 and putting up Bad Religion posters in my room and all "You can't tell me when to go to bed Dad!" (Maybe while banging my head and reading Johnny the Homicidal Maniac or something because I'm so tortured), but you know.. there comes a time.

I promise the next one will be fiction or, at least, interesting... (or at the very least not make me sound like a whiny, jittery douchebag.. it's just this week really. It's been like that.)

-Q

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Another View of My Monthly Review Today | 24 comments (24 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
A classic Volkswagen Beetle will solve all your by georgeha (4.00 / 2) #1 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 06:26:39 AM EST
problems.

They run forever, are cheap to fix, and are air cooled, so you can get rid of all that anti-freeze you have lying around in old Tanqueray bottles.


Heh.. by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #2 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 06:32:01 AM EST
My Dad watched a girl he knew burn to death trapped in one of those. He reached toward the window to get her out just as the flames shot up blew out the window in his face. He, once, described to me how he could almost make out her facial features engulfed in flame as she sat there knocked out from her head hitting the windshield.

I imagine, in that moment, the powerlessness he felt dwarfed mine and I co-opt his memory quite a bit.

Not anything against the car mind you... I'm just saying.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
Ack!!!! by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #15 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:43:35 AM EST
What a trigger.

How about something safer, like an air cooled motorcycle?


[ Parent ]
Quite frankly ... by me0w (4.00 / 1) #3 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 06:34:49 AM EST
Just jerk off on all of them.


"the only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."

That only works for a little while. by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #4 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 06:36:10 AM EST

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
But it never gets boring. by me0w (4.00 / 1) #6 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:01:02 AM EST

"the only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."
[ Parent ]
Yeah by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #7 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:02:37 AM EST
but the RSI is a killer.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
Luckily I know how to treat that. by me0w (4.00 / 1) #9 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:07:56 AM EST

"the only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."
[ Parent ]
I don't trust you or your electrodes by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:11:04 AM EST
you'll just try and hook me up to a car battery again.

No, clearly what I need is some elderly, rich woman who wants me to stand in the corner and be amusing for her benefit, and who, by nature, will leave me her vast wealth when she passes that I may live the rest of my days like the puckish rogue that I am.

Or you know... grow up. But who the fuck wants that shit?

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
Job Opportunity by superdiva (4.00 / 2) #5 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 06:58:47 AM EST
I have a stack of essays discussing State control of the female body via Brave New World.  I have 45 of them. How about I send them to you, you read them, and then write "Fuckmonkey" in place of grade?

I'll pay $20 buck an essay.

_________________________________________________
Psych-E.org

That may be by MisterQueue (4.00 / 1) #8 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:04:09 AM EST
the most lucrative job offer I've ever been granted based upon output/return matrix. However, I'm a bit concerned that "Fuckmonkey" might get co-opted by students trying to make an impression on future teachers in this case.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
Get your Master's Degree... by superdiva (4.00 / 1) #11 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:12:01 AM EST
It would only take 2 years or less.  After you get your Master's degree in English, you can teach at a community college starting off with 50K for an 8-month contract with spring and summers off, if you want. 

You also work a 20-hour work week: 12 hours teaching, 8 hours in the office.  I spend one week a out of month grading papers, so $20 bucks a paper is my actual compensation for the task.

You may now commence your usual lead-paint taunting.  <cough>

_________________________________________________
Psych-E.org

[ Parent ]
I very rarely quote myself by MisterQueue (4.00 / 1) #12 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:14:49 AM EST
(That is a lie)

"I love learning what I love learning. I'm picky."

Anyhow, I was planning on hitting up a class or two on a whim anyway sometime soon (where soon=whenever the hell I find my motivation.. I think I left it near my dignity so if anyone out there sees it lying bloody and quivering on the side of the road gimme a jingle)

Still, you know.. there's that I guess.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
Liars and fakers by sasquatchan (4.00 / 1) #13 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:36:44 AM EST
just tell your boss you want his job.


Heh.. but I don't by MisterQueue (4.00 / 1) #14 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:38:34 AM EST
the little taste of management I had once left a really really bad taste in my mouth. In fact, I think it so scarred me that I have never been the same since.

One day they will find me in my basement staring off into space and mumbling darkened verses in tongues which people can no longer comprehend and it will all be the fault of the year or so I spent in management.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
Whoa. by terpia (4.00 / 2) #16 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 11:59:24 AM EST
I have lots of concerns, I just don't think what goes on here has much to do with me, and thus do not care. I'm concerned that I'm a corporate whore. I'm concerned that my job is to pretent that I'm "adding value". I'm concerned that I am unwilling to change. I'm concerned that if my car breaks down I won't be able to afford a new one to make the long drive to work because I can't afford to live in the upper-middle white flight area where my office is located some 15 minutes away. I'm concerned that one day I'll drink rubbing alcohol on a whim while drunk. I'm concerned that some days I feel completely numb and I blame not just the office, but myself as well for being stuck in a rut. I am concerned that I don't find things as funny as I once did. I am concerned that my entire career has been based off of luck and an innate ability to make an encyclopedia of random nodes in my head which I have used to get by for years while at the same time my mind/body degrades as I hit 30 soon. I am concerned that the sun will implode forming a black hole and suckling all of us into it's nethering teat. I'm concerned that it won't. I'm concerned that I actually list this as a concern.

You got that right.  Echoes or shadows, who knows.

As for the existentialist monastery, let me know if you find or open one.  I'll even live on the couch if I could find peace.  For the record, these days I consider myself an agnostice existential deist (with guilt issues).  But that should be no surprise.

Regarding your jobby job situation, I feel for you. 

----
I hope you like the pork in Cuba, traitor.. -theantix

Yeah well.. the job is my own fault by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #19 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 01:29:49 PM EST
well mine and capitalisms, but I digress.

Upon further reflection I think they already have Existentialist monasteries of a sort, but they're usually called Bars or Strip Clubs... or alternately Convention Centers.. it just costs a rr'l rr'l lot to stay there indefinitely.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
I think bars and clubs are like... by terpia (4.00 / 1) #24 Thu Oct 19, 2006 at 06:27:29 AM EST
the summer-bible-camp for people like us. Not quite a monastery, but a necessary (and expensive) retreat nonetheless.

----
I hope you like the pork in Cuba, traitor.. -theantix

[ Parent ]
just wait by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #17 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 12:03:47 PM EST
it gets better.

how old are you anyway?

28 by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #18 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 01:28:30 PM EST
29 on the Ides of March soon coming.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
you by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #20 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 07:35:59 PM EST
are about 4 months older than i.

i had to double check on my calculator, because it just sounded sooo old.

[ Parent ]
Yeah.. by MisterQueue (4.00 / 1) #22 Thu Oct 19, 2006 at 02:08:29 AM EST
so don't go tellin' me it gets worse... I get to tell you.

Oh by the way.. it gets worse.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
jesus by MillMan (4.00 / 1) #21 Wed Oct 18, 2006 at 08:58:31 PM EST
I read your name as "mistergoat" and I was all like "since when did the goat get all introspective?"

Anyway yeah quit your cube job and post photos of you building houses or somesuch so I have an example to go by.

When I'm imprisoned as an enemy combatant, will you blog about it?

Yeah... by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #23 Thu Oct 19, 2006 at 02:11:07 AM EST
I'm gonna join Jimmy Carter and do Habitat for Humanity. (Actually I've considered doing just this very thing as a sideline, but for one reason or another it's never worked out.)

At this point I'm seriously reconsidering my lighthousekeeper aspirations.

-Q
--------------
It shone, pale as bone,
As I stood there alone.

[ Parent ]
Another View of My Monthly Review Today | 24 comments (24 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback